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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feel like I've been thrown back to the fifties. Rage.

87 replies

bonelope · 07/03/2015 22:00

A bit of a rant but also I'm wondering, AIBU?
Husband went out after work last night until about midnight. This is all fine as it had been planned for ages and he rarely goes out and never gets too drunk. I happily agreed to stay home with DS 4yrs and as Friday is my day off it was an all day thing.
On Friday we took it easy in the morning after a very busy week. I admit I didn't do much around the house but instead played with DS and watched a bit of telly until about 11. From 11 onwards our day was very busy with swimming lessons and other family errands. We got home around 5:30 and i went into homemaker mode; dinner, laundry, doing as many dishes as i could, entertaining DS (between episodes of tom and jerry) and general tidying. Then of course its bedtime story, more tidying, more dishes etc. Despite all this there were still dishes on the counter but i was too knackered to do anymore at about 9pm so i sat down for the evening.
This morning i got up with DS, having agreed i would and also take him to his sports thing at 11 so husband (no D today!) could sleep off any hangover. Again, i was happy to do this as it's not a common occurrence. So i got up with bubs, cleaned him off because his pull up leaked, got him dressed, breakfasted etc AND did a load of dishes to try and tackle the pile that remained but didn't get them all done.
So H wasn't that hungover and woke around 8 to come down to the kitchen and start huffing and bitching that he had to do the fucking dishes and it wasn't fair that he should be faced with a mess in the morning.
AIBU for being completely fucked off at him for this? Was i put on this earth so he never has to do dishes? His logic is that if someone starts a job i.e. Cooking a meal, they should finish it including the dishes. My argument is that I busted my gut to parent, play with, feed, discipline and entertain our child along with keeping the house in a semblance of order while he's out socialising, can't he be a bit generous and do the last tub of dishes without giving me a row?

Please no LTBs, he's got a lot of good qualities and is generally loving, kind and fun but can be a bit traditional in his viewpoints (until I edumacate him of course ).

OP posts:

PaulaJane37 · 07/03/2015 22:04

YANBU, just ask him what happened to team work? Ask him Is it ok for you to have a night out, have him entertain DS all day, be Sally home maker with tea time, bed time etc AND let you have a lie in the next day?

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 22:05

I call myself Cindarella. I feel for you hun as its the same for me xxx

Heels99 · 07/03/2015 22:05

Could you get a dishwasher if dishes are causing angst?

Quitelikely · 07/03/2015 22:06

It's only a row over the dishes. Haven't yous made up by now?

He was probably grouchy from his hangover! I would let it go.

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 22:11

Finishing a job as your hubby puts it is an excuse. I thought relationships were meant to be about teamwork. Why cant he do the dishes as a gesture to show appreciation. Im suprised people are saying let it go and its only dirty dishes...bet alot with that view own dishwashers so dont have that issue.

Joysmum · 07/03/2015 22:13

I'd have smiled sweetly and asked him to explain what he thought I'd done that day.

My sweet smile would have given away the fact that he was on really thin ice

Platinumpennies · 07/03/2015 22:16

How many dishes can a parent and baby make in one evening and a morning??

Handywoman · 07/03/2015 22:17

Yeah he should be showing his appreciation and asking how you are. I would remind him it is not the 1950s, leave him with ds and go and do something nice..........

Georgethesecond · 07/03/2015 22:18

How many dishes did you start with?!

MatildaTheCat · 07/03/2015 22:20

Firstly, I hope you have made it up. Secondly, if I understand this correctly, you are a household of three? just how much washing up is there?.

Honestly, I can't see this one unless you have some Michelin star ambitions not stated. How much washing up could you possibly have created?

Fairylea · 07/03/2015 22:23

I have to be honest..... coming down to a load of dishes would annoy me but I accept that I'm possibly in the wrong. I am just very particular about not leaving jobs half done and I personally can't relax in the evening unless I leave the kitchen in a clean and tidy state.

But having said that you've done more than enough of your fair share considering he's been out having a whale of a time . . So fuck him. He was rude.

ouryve · 07/03/2015 22:23

Did you use All The Pans?

I'd have told him to stick a broom up his arse and sweep the floor, while he's at it... btw DH, did you have a good night, last night?

princessconsuelobananahammock · 07/03/2015 22:23

You must have a lot of dishes?!

Original poster

bonelope · 07/03/2015 22:23

We had a very long conversation about it but he was entrenched in his position and I wasn't about to apologise. We have got over it but noone has apologised or spoken about it since as the same argument will ensue. I just wanted to get a bit of a consensus of MN to make sure I wasn't being a cow unnecessarily. I don't think I was.

I would LOVE a dishwasher but there isn't the space without quite a major overhaul of our tiny 30s kitchen.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 07/03/2015 22:24

I'm in the 'Just how many dishes are you using up??' camp.

Feckeggblue · 07/03/2015 22:26

It doesn't seem like a big deal to be honest? I'd just forget about it and let it blow over. We all have bad days.

HellBoundNothingFound · 07/03/2015 22:26

I'd tell him that the world is a big place and there is an awful lot more for his mediocre ball sack to get twisted about than a few fucking dishes

Glad he's not a complete dick slap in other areas but then I wouldn't tolerate such nonsense from an adult

Original poster

bonelope · 07/03/2015 22:28

Yes. for some reason there were loads of dishes but they had built up slightly from the day before and neither of us could face them on Thursday night (when I'm out at yoga).

Gawd, I sound like a right pig. We don't normally get to this state but this week has been particularly busy and I've done more cooking from scratch because I'm eating healthier and trying to feed DS healthier things too.

OP posts:

SylvaniansAtEase · 07/03/2015 22:28

I'd pull a sad face and say that you're very sorry to hear that, and the solution is clearly for him to not ever go out again. It's clearly very important that he is in the house at all times as the jobs come first, and lil' ole you just ain't up to keeping on top of them all while also having sole care of DS.

Probably best in the future if you are the one who goes out and socialises, as you can assure him most earnestly that if this happens the other way around, it won't faze you at all.

Heels99 · 07/03/2015 22:28

Storm ina teacup, one that is unwashed haha!
Seriously, you were both grumpy about dishes. Get a slimline dishwasher, problem solved.

AlternativeTentacles · 07/03/2015 22:31

So who cooked on thursday night? Why didnt they wash up?

We have the opposite rule here, whoever cooks doesnt do the pots.

Why didnt you rant about coming home to a load of dishes on thursday? Oh yes, because you are not a moody fucker.

LineRunner · 07/03/2015 22:32

So it was pots and pans, not actually dishes?

SylvaniansAtEase · 07/03/2015 22:32

Bloody hell, what an update.

Seriously, I was being flippant there expecting you to report back that he'd apologised for being an arse.

I am no longer being flippant. Tell him, in words of one syllable, that next time there is a night out, you won't be happy with him going. Because instead of being GRATEFUL that you were happy not only to take over his home duties for one night, also picking up the slack the next morning, he threw the lot in your face. So fuck him, next time he asks, the answer will be no. But hey, the dishes will all get done so it's well worth missing out on his social life :)

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 22:32

Shes obviously not so desperate that she needs to play the 'perfect' dutiful obedient wifey who lets a man walk all over her.

WineListPlease · 07/03/2015 22:34

Dishes are not worth having arguments over.
Just how many dishes did you use??
I would have no problem with a few things left to wash, as long as they were rinsed and stacked, not scattered all over place.
Work together, not against each other.

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