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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel like I've been thrown back to the fifties. Rage.

87 replies

bonelope · 07/03/2015 22:00

A bit of a rant but also I'm wondering, AIBU?
Husband went out after work last night until about midnight. This is all fine as it had been planned for ages and he rarely goes out and never gets too drunk. I happily agreed to stay home with DS 4yrs and as Friday is my day off it was an all day thing.
On Friday we took it easy in the morning after a very busy week. I admit I didn't do much around the house but instead played with DS and watched a bit of telly until about 11. From 11 onwards our day was very busy with swimming lessons and other family errands. We got home around 5:30 and i went into homemaker mode; dinner, laundry, doing as many dishes as i could, entertaining DS (between episodes of tom and jerry) and general tidying. Then of course its bedtime story, more tidying, more dishes etc. Despite all this there were still dishes on the counter but i was too knackered to do anymore at about 9pm so i sat down for the evening.
This morning i got up with DS, having agreed i would and also take him to his sports thing at 11 so husband (no D today!) could sleep off any hangover. Again, i was happy to do this as it's not a common occurrence. So i got up with bubs, cleaned him off because his pull up leaked, got him dressed, breakfasted etc AND did a load of dishes to try and tackle the pile that remained but didn't get them all done.
So H wasn't that hungover and woke around 8 to come down to the kitchen and start huffing and bitching that he had to do the fucking dishes and it wasn't fair that he should be faced with a mess in the morning.
AIBU for being completely fucked off at him for this? Was i put on this earth so he never has to do dishes? His logic is that if someone starts a job i.e. Cooking a meal, they should finish it including the dishes. My argument is that I busted my gut to parent, play with, feed, discipline and entertain our child along with keeping the house in a semblance of order while he's out socialising, can't he be a bit generous and do the last tub of dishes without giving me a row?

Please no LTBs, he's got a lot of good qualities and is generally loving, kind and fun but can be a bit traditional in his viewpoints (until I edumacate him of course Wink ).

OP posts:
Original poster
bonelope · 07/03/2015 22:35

I have been out for dinner and a show with my girlfriends tonight so feeling less vitriolic about it. Wine Smile

I think this is more about his general attitude about housework rather than the one off dish lecture I got today. It will probably take more discussion when neither of us is hungover or pissed off.

p.s. The kitchen was not a pristine vision when I came in tonight... pot. kettle. black.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 07/03/2015 22:38

Washing up often becomes a metaphor for resentments.

tribpot · 07/03/2015 22:38

His logic is that if someone starts a job i.e. Cooking a meal, they should finish it including the dishes.

There speaks the man who doesn't spend very much time looking after his child on his own. I suggest you address that quickly.

VinoTime · 07/03/2015 22:41

I would have smiled sweetly, left him with DS and gone out for the day to get pampered. Ungrateful arse.

If he's going to bitch and moan about a few dirty dishes after you've bent over backwards to keep things chugging along so that he can go out and get pissed, then tell him you won't be bothering next time.

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 22:42

Next time he makes love to you and presumes youre satisfied you want to ask him if he's going to finish the job properly that he started Grin

Original poster
bonelope · 07/03/2015 22:45

Sorry I can't keep up with posts. It was pots, pans, dishes and general kitchen mess which often peaks on Thursday because I work Monday to Wednesday and have an extra child to look after on Thursdays. Friday is the day for me to catch up on the house and we usually do ready meals on Friday so there is no mess to tidy one night of the week.

I should say that DH is usually good at doing dishes and laundry. I might just chalk it up to grumpiness but it really put a damper on my day and I think he should apologise. He thinks I should. I'll definitely be stewing about this longer than him.... That pisses me off tooWink.

OP posts:
Millie3030 · 07/03/2015 22:53

I am a bit snippy if I get home from a long day at work and there is washing up left out on his day off, but we have a dishwasher, so it's probably easier. But on my day off the kitchen is spotless when he gets in. But it is a joint effort to keep kids happy and the house clean, he has been out for the night you chilled out for the night. That is fair enough.

But it doesn't seem like he was washing up on the Thursday while you were at yoga, so why is he snipping at you on Saturday morning?
You sound like you had a lot of washing up so that's built up over a few days, which is both of your responsibility, and if you have been doing the cooking this week, why has he not done the washing up?

Original poster
bonelope · 07/03/2015 22:53

Lol mummytobethree. That would be very nasty Grin.

He does a lot with DS on his own but usually takes him out of the house for swimming and fun things. The downside of him working long hours during the week is that he doesn't see what I do from 9 to 7 when he's not here. I know for certain that I'm much more tired on my DS days than work days, and I have a fairly high pressure job with a lot on my plate. I just want my work in the house to be taken into account and not just the things he can see I.e. the fucking dishes.

OP posts:
Original poster
bonelope · 07/03/2015 22:55

sorry, mummyBtothree .

OP posts:
Millie3030 · 07/03/2015 22:59

X posted there, from your last post I see you are off Thursdays and Fridays, sorry I would be a bit pissed if there was still washing up from Thursday on Saturday morning if someone had been home for 2 days.

Handywoman · 07/03/2015 23:00

YANBU, OP. You hit the nail on the head WRT not just the things he can see. It's about respect for what you are contributing and all the multitasking. I'll bet 'errands' is your job, too.

LineRunner · 07/03/2015 23:05

Yeah, food-encrusted pans left for two days is a bit grim. Do half each.

Original poster
bonelope · 07/03/2015 23:10

millie, normally the house is clean on a Friday but this week was a bit out of our normal routine and much busier. I don't think it's unreasonable to be cut a little slack this once.

And another yes to me doing most errands (cat litter changing, vet appointments, organising house repairs and waiting in, food shopping etc etc).

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyCake · 07/03/2015 23:17

Blimey, I must have it easy. DH comes home from work and washes up. After all I have cooked, cleaned and looked after the DC after a day at work.

General rule here is I cook and do everything else whilst he works and then he washes up and does his own ironing and puts it all away.

We get the DC to Hoover and put clean washing away now they are old enough to help out.

I also think you are using to many pots and pans or he isn't helping out with the washing up during the week Smile I can't stand waking up to mess in the morning

SocialMediaAddict · 08/03/2015 04:52

I'd be pissed off if I woke up on Saturday to pots and pans from Thursday. I don't understand why you didn't wash them on Friday morning.

Sortmylifeout · 08/03/2015 05:04

You washed two lots of dishes and still had one lot left over?

LindyHemming · 08/03/2015 06:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McButtonwillow · 08/03/2015 06:58

I would be a bit pissed off op if I came home to dishes. I work shifts at the weekends and the deal is dh does the childcare and keeps the house relatively tidy- I would be annoyed if I came home to a mess so I can understand why your dh may be irritated. However I get that you feel unappreciated, maybe just agree to disagree on this occasion and move on?

Iggly · 08/03/2015 07:02

He had two lie ins?

Yanbu!

theboatisleaking · 08/03/2015 07:15

TBH I think you should have washed all of them. How many dishes were there?! His night out was a rare treat and you say he normally does dishes, so for him to come down and find piles of dirty dishes after his 'night off' isn't very nice. You had Thurs and Fri off and spent Friday morning watching TV so how can you say there wasn't time to finish them? I don't think its 1950s of him at all, it's about not being lazy! If he'd had 2 days off and you went on a rare night out, wouldn't you be irritated to wake up and find the kitchen in a mess?!

McButtonwillow · 08/03/2015 07:31

Also you do seem to be over egging how busy you were with your ds in your op, you're really not doing anything that every other parent does, but it seems as though you want extra recognition. Busting a gut etc seems a bit extreme for just looking after/entertaining your child and keeping the house tidy.

Temporaryanonymity · 08/03/2015 07:38

The one thing I like about being a single parent is reading these sorts of threads. It really keeps me from wistfully wondering what it would be like to have a husband.

Just do the the fucking dishes.

Bakeoffcake · 08/03/2015 08:02

Sorry OP but I'd be rather miffed if there were dishes from Thursday night sat in the kitchen on a Saturday morning. Especially as you say your DH usually does them.
He probably thought you'd left them for him to do.
You've had 2 days at home while he's been out of the house, so yes I think you either should have done them, or told him you were going to do them.

Romeyroo · 08/03/2015 08:13

I think this is a case of grass is greener - he probably thinks you have it easier as you are at home two days a week; you think he does not have a clue what running a house and childcare actually entails because he is not there as much as you. A pile of dishes over a couple of days is not your sole responsibility, so why does he think it is?

Just sounds like a bit of communication in advance is needed - you have a busier week than normal scheduled; he needs to know in advance there will be more for him to do.

Heels99 · 08/03/2015 08:13

Just realised the dishes were from Thursday and still sat there two days later, that is a bit grim. I would have quickly done them Friday morning instead of watching tv till 11.