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Original poster

Insensitive birth announcement

62 replies

Smallcogbigwheel · 07/03/2015 18:02

OH's little sister died very suddenly 3 years ago. OH was/is over a decade older and was more of a father figure to her and mourned in that way (not odd considering the family dynamics, OH was expected to take an adult role from about age 8)

So that's some of the background.

She was with her partner for over 10 years, he, partner, was understandably devastated. Was very very worried that we'd all lose touch. So we've made a big effort to keep in touch. (More than we did when DSIL was alive.…)

Anyhow, about a year ago he got together with a very very lovely woman, we've met her/ them several times and she really is just lovely.

Thursday night they called, she's pregnant, they wanted to let us know before they 'announced' it.
Still all lovely and thoughtful, on Friday they did one of those Facebook announcements, 'as of 00/00/2015 three will become four

Due date is the date of DSILs death.

Bearing in mind unless you're planning a C Section you really can't predict a birth date, so they could have said the day before /after.

I get that they're really excited and we're honestly really happy for them, but couldn't they have fudged the dates? It's not her first child and I know she knows that dating scans aren't an exact science, we actually had a chat about it 'cause I was saying how frustrated my niece was, her scans put her due on X date, her datesmeant she'd be 3 weeks over on that date. And she was sooo pissed off.
And she told me she'd had the same.

Anyway.

OH is finding it very very hard, he really wants to be happy for them, as do I and we are, but . .

It hurts.

It feels like he's forgot her.

OP posts:
Bluetonic123 · 07/03/2015 18:06

Sorry for your loss.

However, they are not being insensitive. Let them look forward and celebrate their good news.

MatildaTheCat · 07/03/2015 18:07

Firstly I am very sorry for your loss.

Just wondering though if your BIL sees it as a nice coincidence that his child might be born on the anniversary? People do have such different ways of looking at things. I don't imagine he has forgotten the date, perhaps it's a healing thing for him?

I could be way off the mark, it's just a possibility. Sorry it has upset you both.

Annabannbobanna · 07/03/2015 18:08

It does not mean he has forgotten her. He has had such sorrow in his life too. Be happy for them

FluffyMcnuffy · 07/03/2015 18:10

In the nicest way possible YABU.

Flowers for your loss.

m0therofdragons · 07/03/2015 18:11

So they should lie? I can see why it may be upsetting but it's not the kind of thing you can specifically plan for and maybe he feels it's nice to give the date a positive link rather than a sad one.

Sorry for your loss and I do understand what you are saying but don't take it as a deliberate attempt to be insensitive, just a normal way to announce pg.

expatinscotland · 07/03/2015 18:13

YABU. Did your SIL have a child with him?

mollypollly · 07/03/2015 18:13

I agree with Matilda, it sounds to me as though they are viewing the date as a positive thing-and I have to say, I would see it this way too. It's quite poignant.

I'm so so sorry for the loss you and OH have suffered, and I can hardly imagine the pain BIL must have gone through. Please do try to be happy for them and to see it as positive x

iwishicouldsing · 07/03/2015 18:16

I totally get why your DH is so upset. His BIL has moved on. Your DH can never move on and would never want to. The date is just something to focus the upset on. It's probably more the fact that it should be his sister that is expecting with BIL and it isn't because she has gone. That is the awful bit. This is what I think would make me feel so upset anyway. We have also had a bereavement & if another baby came along I know I wouldn't be able to help crying. It is good that your BIL has found happiness, just so wrong that your DH's sister has not. It's human nature that you know you should be genuinely happy for him but you still feel really upset by how the world keeps turning without her.

MrsBungle · 07/03/2015 18:17

Sorry for your loss but yabu. I think it's very unfair to expect them to tell lies about the due date of their baby - a very happy thing.

fuctifino · 07/03/2015 18:17

In putting that due date, you are now forewarned if baby does appear on that day.

Why should they lie? It is what it is.

HootyMcTooty · 07/03/2015 18:18

I'm sorry for your loss, really I am but YABABU.

Everyone deals with loss differently, it may be that he doesn't focus on trigger dates in the same way you and DH do, he may not even have put the two together. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. He might be trying to bring some good to a day which is linked to so much unhappiness for you all.

It's hard to see people moving on, even when you are happy for them. Focus on the fact you still have a good relationship with him and that he told you first, that was a lovely gesture.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 07/03/2015 18:22

Yabu I am afraid. Why should they lie? As others have said, he won't have forgetten the date. As her widower he can choose to view it positively.

Sorry for your loss

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 07/03/2015 18:23

OP, really sorry for your loss.

An EDD does have an official standing, it's the date from which you can count back to the qualifying period for SMP etc. I would bet your BIL would be very sad that this caused you additional hurt, it sounds like he tried hard to avoid that with the phone call etc.

confusedandemployed · 07/03/2015 18:23

I'm very sorry for your loss, but I will add to the YABU brigade here I'm afraid. IMO it's just one of those things and it sounds like they are trying to be positive about it. Flowers

treasureisland · 07/03/2015 18:27

I don't think anyone is BU.

You're not being UR to be upset, but they can't take any blame for your upset. Your sadness is at the situation, and they didn't cause it and your BIL has/is suffering too.

I'm so sorry for your loss though, it sounds unbearable. Perhaps they should/could have pre-warned you of the date, but I really, really don't think they should have had to lie about their due date.

Missqwerty · 07/03/2015 18:27

Whiles it's sad your sister in law died on that day, this man has to look forward and it was his partner so I'm sure he finds it a bit of a coincidence but he needs to look forward and why should the due date of his child be lied about. I think this poor man has suffered enough, for him to lie about the day would be to hold onto grief in a way. Plus it's not nice for his partner either.

OttiliaVonBCup · 07/03/2015 18:31

Would she have wanted him to suffer all his life?

It's sad but the living have to move on, otherwise how do you stay sane?
It's one of these things, I'm afraid.

Arsenic · 07/03/2015 18:34

Is it possible BIL's partner isn't aware of the significance of the date because he chose not to tell her?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/03/2015 18:37

Sorry, it's extremely sad and I feel for you all but come on. They didn't plan the due date and they shouldn't have felt that they had to lie. That's not fair.

tribpot · 07/03/2015 18:40

What a bittersweet time. Obviously a very tragic loss, but great news that your BIL is building a new life, I'm sure your DSIL would have wanted that for him - and of course you do too.

The due date is the due date. It can't be helped, and it would just be confusing to lie about it. It just is what it is.

I completely understand your renewed grief - I think it would have been hard to hear even without the coincidence of the dates. But this is not an insensitive announcement and it wasn't meant to hurt you.

eurochick · 07/03/2015 18:45

I'm sorry for your loss.

Rather than being insensitive he might have mentioned the due date for a number of reasons. He might think it is a nice coincidence and is a "meant to be" type thing. He might be wanting to forewarn you. He might actually think that the baby is likely to turn up on its due date, not relishing that only about 5% do. I really doubt he mentioned the date with the intention of hurting anyone b

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/03/2015 18:50

I don't think they did anything wrong (naff but not wrong ;)) the phone call was nice too.
However, I can understand your dhs distress. Must be tough.

CitizenOfTheWorld · 07/03/2015 18:56

YANBU. Losing such a close relative is very traumatic. Reading the date would be hurtful. They have been insensitive.

ThreeMoreDaysTillFriday · 07/03/2015 19:00

I don't think they should have fudged the dates. A due date is an important date to many. By the sounds of things it wasn't intended with any malice although I can understand it being hard for your DH.

FWIW my baby was due exactly one year to the day I lost my first baby. Having my due date on that day didn't cancel out the significance that the date already held for me but it also then had a new meaning for me also.

I hope your DH can see past it in time.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 07/03/2015 19:04

They have not been insensitive.

Why should they have to lie?
If you had a woman posting on here saying she was having a baby with her DP and that he wanted to lie about the due date in order not to upset his late partner's family, there would quite rightly be many people saying that he was not over his late partner etc etc.

I think they did a nice thing by telling you before it went public, they didn't need to do that, and I think you would be wrong to feel angry towards them.

If you can't cope with seeing him move on with his life and be happy, then maybe you need to pull back a bit from the relationship with him?