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Original poster

Insensitive birth announcement

62 replies

Smallcogbigwheel · 07/03/2015 18:02

OH's little sister died very suddenly 3 years ago. OH was/is over a decade older and was more of a father figure to her and mourned in that way (not odd considering the family dynamics, OH was expected to take an adult role from about age 8)

So that's some of the background.

She was with her partner for over 10 years, he, partner, was understandably devastated. Was very very worried that we'd all lose touch. So we've made a big effort to keep in touch. (More than we did when DSIL was alive.…)

Anyhow, about a year ago he got together with a very very lovely woman, we've met her/ them several times and she really is just lovely.

Thursday night they called, she's pregnant, they wanted to let us know before they 'announced' it.
Still all lovely and thoughtful, on Friday they did one of those Facebook announcements, 'as of 00/00/2015 three will become four

Due date is the date of DSILs death.

Bearing in mind unless you're planning a C Section you really can't predict a birth date, so they could have said the day before /after.

I get that they're really excited and we're honestly really happy for them, but couldn't they have fudged the dates? It's not her first child and I know she knows that dating scans aren't an exact science, we actually had a chat about it 'cause I was saying how frustrated my niece was, her scans put her due on X date, her datesmeant she'd be 3 weeks over on that date. And she was sooo pissed off.
And she told me she'd had the same.

Anyway.

OH is finding it very very hard, he really wants to be happy for them, as do I and we are, but . .

It hurts.

It feels like he's forgot her.

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 07/03/2015 19:05

I don't think it's insensitive. The trouble is, you and your DH will never have another sister, her parents will never have another daughter, but your former BIL is entitled to find another partner and build a life.

I don't think it's realistic to think they should have lied about the date.

I am sorry for your loss, and sorry you are hurting, but life is for the living.

YNK · 07/03/2015 19:07

My son arrived on the anniversary of my beloved grandas death.
I felt it connected me to him and he blessed us.
It felt very special.

TheChickenSituation · 07/03/2015 19:10

I don't think it's about them having to 'lie' about the due date, but in such circumstances, why would you mention the due date at all...?

Most people announcing a pregnancy have no need to mention the actual due date, so in this scenario, doing so seems more than a little insensitive.

I don't think YABU to be upset, but I'm not sure what can really be done now. Sorry for your loss.

Quitelikely · 07/03/2015 19:10

I truly understand why your upset. I think it is a little surprising that they did put her due date as the exact same date.

However you have to believe that your BiL sees this as blessing from above.

You say you feel as though he has forgotten sil, I strongly doubt this but he has no choice but to move on with his life. Bereavement hurts like hell and someone special coming along can feel like a revelation.

Also your perspectives are different because the loss of a sister and the loss of a wife are two different things in terms of what happens after to those affected.

I honestly think that you have all got on great after the death, supported each other but the time might come when you slowly need to let go of each other. It might be awkward for your bils new partner for example. Just little things like that. I think BiL was very considerate giving you advance notice of the baby too.

You sound like lovely people but don't focus too much on bils new life. He has to move on, otherwise it's too painful.

Southpaws · 07/03/2015 19:15

I gave birth to my dd on the first anniversary of my beloved grandad's death, and I always see it as a nice thing. Almost as though he planned for something nice to happen on that date so that the family would have something to celebrate rather than feeling sad.

It may be that your BIL feels that it's a positive that this day will have significance for both happy and sad reasons now. I'm sure he doesn't mean for your SIL to be forgotten.

Nervo · 07/03/2015 19:16

I too think they have been insensitive. Massively so. It's the 'three become four' that suggests that she's been forgotten. My brother died and I know my sil would never do this let alone state the anniversary of his death as being the day that that becomes so.

TendonQueen · 07/03/2015 19:16

I think they're oversharing (I wouldn't have gone public with all and sundry about my exact due date) but painful though it is from your perspective, you can't expect them to feel they should lie about this. It is what it is and it is probably giving your BIL all sorts of mixed feelings because he is painfully aware of the date himself but doesn't want it to spoil the understandable happiness of his new partner. Think of it this way: in the unlikely event that the baby arrives on the due date, s/he will then be a new family member with no knowledge of why her/his birthday also has sad memories. Your BIL in that event will have to suck this up, year after year, to avoid being unfair to his own child. So help him out and resolve that, in the unlikely event etc, you can support one another in remembering your sister (in law) joyfully because you will also have something to celebrate.

TendonQueen · 07/03/2015 19:17

Oh, actually, I'd missed the 'three becomes four' bit. Who's the third?

PacificDogwood · 07/03/2015 19:18

YANBU to feel hurt

I hope you can get over this hurt though and then find a way to be genuinely happy for them.

I wish EDDs would totally go out of fashion and expecting parents would be told "early June" or "end of April" - babies don't know what their due date is anyway.

tribpot · 07/03/2015 19:23

TendonQueen, the partner already has a child, OP mentions in her first post that this is not her first baby.

Starlightbright1 · 07/03/2015 19:24

I am sorry for your loss ..It sounds like they were trying to be very sensitive to your needs by making sure you didn't hear it on FB.

They really shouldn't lie. I can't speak for how significant the date is to him whether it is or isn't doesn't mean he has forgotten her

MrsGSR · 07/03/2015 19:24

Similar to a few others here, I went into labour exactly a year after my mum died. I thought it was nice, made me feel connected to her.

I'm sure he knows what the date and hasnt forgotten your SIL. People grieve differently. I'm sorry for your loss

PacificDogwood · 07/03/2015 19:26

Here's another thought: he (the expectant dad) might see a special poignancy in that date and actually take some comfort from the coincidence of the dates - loss and birth an'all that?

PacificDogwood · 07/03/2015 19:27

Good grief, other people arrived at my amazing insight faaaaaar earlier than me

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 07/03/2015 19:29

I do think it's a bit insensitive OP.

In their shoes if that was the date, wouldn't you just choose to steer clear of mentioning it? I think I would.

I wonder if new SIL feels strongly that she doesn't want to feel overshadowed by the previous SIL who died, and that she wants to claim this date as her due date and kind of overrule its other significance. She could feel that way without necessarily being mean or selfish. It must be difficult being a second spouse when the much-loved first spouse has died. Plus, as a PP said, your late SIL is a more important person to your OH, even than she was to BIL. OH knew her first, knew her longer and loved her as a brother and parent combined.

But either way they have failed to think about how it might make you and OH feel. Some might argue they shouldn't have to consider that but I think I would feel hurt if I was your OH.

You can still keep it as a special date and mark it in your own special way – even if it does become the new baby's birthday.

PacificDogwood · 07/03/2015 19:31

Statistically, there's only a 5% chance of it actually becoming the new baby's birthday

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 07/03/2015 19:32

Yes quite!

BearPear · 07/03/2015 19:34

Maybe, having read the other thread today about a mum not recalling her child's dob, he doesn't realise the significance? (I couldn't tell you the date my mil passed away, but I know the month & year).

TendonQueen · 07/03/2015 19:34

Thanks trib - I was in mid post by then so couldn't scroll back to the first page.

tallwivglasses · 07/03/2015 19:34

Sorry for your loss OP. I think one poster has commented that he may not realise the significance of the date. I can't remember the date or with some friends/family, even the year, I'm rubbish with birthdays too - could he be like me? I know other people feel more strongly about important dates though, so I do sympathise.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/03/2015 19:37

That's true. My friend who was widowed says the actual date her DH died is not particularly significant to her. Or rather, every day is.

LynetteScavo · 07/03/2015 19:38

No one is BU.

I think it's painful because a new woman, however lovely, is involved. If the date was that of a grandparents death there wouldn't be an issue.

Maybe the new partner doesn't know the exact date? I imagine it must be hard for her, as she must always be feeling second best to your DPs sister when she's with you.

ashtrayheart · 07/03/2015 19:41

Yanbu why put the due date at all, fudged or actual. There's really no need!

countessmarkyabitch · 07/03/2015 19:47

The man lost his long term partner, suddenly. Now he has found happiness with someone else and is excited about becoming a father. He doesn't need to lie about the details, for any reason at all.
Maybe he's really happy that its the same date, that the worst date of his life is now possibly going to be the best day of it instead?

You're being unfair to him. I'd say accusing him of forgetting her would be a very hurtful and offensive to him.

BikeShed · 07/03/2015 19:47

Sorry for your loss. I think they've actually been very kind telling you before they made the public announcement - quite the opposite of being insensitive.

My MIL was very poorly at the time DD2 was due. When DH went to call his siblings to tell them DD2 had been born, he found out his mum had just passed away. While that means DD2's birthday will always be linked to MIL's death, we've chosen to view it as some sort of 'sign' - maybe you could try and look at it that way too?

As Southpaws and TendonQueen said: for your BIL this day will have significance for both happy and sad reasons now, and you should resolve to view it as a way to support one another in remembering your sister (in law) joyfully because you will also have something to celebrate (IF the baby is actually born on that date!).

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