Insensitive birth announcement

[Smallcogbigwheel]

OH's little sister died very suddenly 3 years ago. OH was/is over a decade older and was more of a father figure to her and mourned in that way (not odd considering the family dynamics, OH was expected to take an adult role from about age 8)

So that's some of the background.

She was with her partner for over 10 years, he, partner, was understandably devastated. Was very very worried that we'd all lose touch. So we've made a big effort to keep in touch. (More than we did when DSIL was alive.…)

Anyhow, about a year ago he got together with a very very lovely woman, we've met her/ them several times and she really is just lovely.

Thursday night they called, she's pregnant, they wanted to let us know before they 'announced' it.
Still all lovely and thoughtful, on Friday they did one of those Facebook announcements, 'as of 00/00/2015 three will become four

Due date is the date of DSILs death.

Bearing in mind unless you're planning a C Section you really can't predict a birth date, so they could have said the day before /after.

I get that they're really excited and we're honestly really happy for them, but couldn't they have fudged the dates? It's not her first child and I know she knows that dating scans aren't an exact science, we actually had a chat about it 'cause I was saying how frustrated my niece was, her scans put her due on X date, her datesmeant she'd be 3 weeks over on that date. And she was sooo pissed off.
And she told me she'd had the same.

Anyway.

OH is finding it very very hard, he really wants to be happy for them, as do I and we are, but . .

It hurts.

It feels like he's forgot her.

So sorry for your loss

YANBU to feel upset about it, you feelings are valid and completely understandable. However they ANBU either. He may feel like the child being due on that date is something telling him it's ok to move on IYSWIM. He may need to think that. They should be able to look forward to their baby without feeling reproached.

All the best op

I completely understand why you're upset, but that does not mean that they have been insensitive at all. They shouldn't have to fudge or hide their due date, it is what it is. I don't understand why some people think that telling people their due date is over sharing!

I agree with you that it was somewhat insensitive, seeing as they didn't acknowledge that it was the same date. They didn't have to lie, they could have just put, due in early/mid/late x month.

I suppose it's slightly different if it was the SIL's fb page aimed at her friends, rather than his. You don't say. Perhaps they posted on both.

I'm sorry for your and your OH's loss.

He may not attach significance to dates. I am like this. I can't even remember which month my mum died, never mind the date (I could hazard a guess but would have to look it up to be sure), and DH and I regularly forget anniversaries and things. It doesn't mean I don't care because I care very deeply - I just don't find dates/anniversaries meaningful and they don't register with me.

They weren't sensitive to how you would feel about the date (and so they were insensitive, probably unintentionally), they WERE sensitive about how you'd feel about the announcement.

Honestly, I don't think he remembered the date becausae I agree with you that if he had, he would have mentioned that in his call... something like "due 3 years after we lost X, what a sign"... which could be how he sees it.

Because you want to stay close to him, rather than allowing it to eat you up, I would contact him and mention the significance of the date.

I think simply acknowledging it would have made all the difference. It is rather fitting that the day he lost the person most important to him is the day he gains another most important person in his life...

That said, I do think he's allowed to move on and bringing her up all the time, and having the birth/death tie, might not be the best thing for his new girl to think about.

I'm hoping he does see the date as being a 'sign' (he is a bit woo) and he's very good with dates, though maybe in their excitement it didn't register.

SILs death was very traumatic for him, well for all of us, and new girlfriend put him back together (calling her that seems disrespectful and diminishing).she is a very lovely person.

They'd clearly been holding off on posting till they spoke to OH cause the post was up, with photos within a minute of them getting off the call.

We're delighted that he's getting on with life and feel privileged that he, well they want to keep us involved, but just think that they could have said the date on the call. I know I know they can't live their lives to please us, but I don't think either that we're out of order to feel hurt.

Thank you all for being so gentle, it's one of those things that you think you've dealt with and then something happens and it feels as raw as the day it happened.

Yes, you feel hurt. It's devastating. But your hurt isn't because your BIL is having a baby, it's because your SIL has died. And THAT is not his fault.

He can't mourn her forever. He has a right to be happy, to share his life with a partner. But that won't mean he ever FORGETS her.

At some point you will have to stop expecting him to be careful about everything they do and say.

Just love him as the fortunate man who got to spend 10 years with a very special woman. He knows he was lucky to have that love and to have her for that time. It's had a part in making him who he is.

I would leave it be. They are just going off what their doctor told them. Personally, I do think one day make a big difference in fetus development (after all, I did not want to be induced at 38w6d...it had to be 39 weeks sharp or later.)

btw, I can't remember a single death date from any of my loved ones including my parents. I can remember their birthdays and always think of them on those days, but death has always been very traumatic that i never want to think about it. Including the day they died. I do remember the month and the year, but not the date. So maybe they are the same way

I am one who tries to find significance in dates. So, for me, such a coincidence would come to me as a "blessing" from deceased relative and a celebration of new life is the ultimate "blessing".

I am sorry and can see it might be hard. However when I became pregnant after a stillbirth my new due date was the 1 yr anniversary of my stillbirth and I decided (once I got over the shock) that it had to be a good omen.

My DS was born on the anniversary of my mum's death ( not due date) and we like to think she sent him.

He has moved on from a devastating time in his life. And if he read what you have written on here he would be devastated again, and would have cause to never speak to you again. YABU.