Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling sad :-( lack of sex really getting me down

74 replies

MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 02:38

I was going to name change as this is quite an emotive topic but then thought bollocks.....

Me and DH have been together 10 years (28 & 29 respectively). We have 2 DCs (6 year old and 6 month old).

Bit of back ground, we lost our virginities together (only ever kissed other people, nothing else at all with other people). This wasn't for religious reasons or anything, just happened that way.
We were together a year before we slept together the first time, but in that year we did everything else so knew each others bodies very well, had great orgasms etc.
We had a lot of sex then for 2 years though never very adventurous (ie just missionary or woman on top, though did endulge a little light bondage such as handcuffs etc). But still great orgasms etc.

Then I conceived our eldest by accident, had a very troublesome pregnancy so didn't get much sex, then for a while post delivery as I had a c section.

But it just wasn't (and hasn't) been the same since. We probably had sex about 12 times since 2008
between Eldest being born and Youngest being conceived (5 1/2 years) and haven't had sex since so none since Dec 2013. We didnt even have sex on our honeymoon, which breaks my heart 4 years later.

Without sounding awfully, the sex went from amazing before kids to mediocre (no foreplay or anticipation etc).
I've tried talking to DH about this, he says he wants more but it just doesn't happen. He doesn't even try now. We tried writing down 3 things we want to try, he read my first one and said no immediately (even though we've done this before) so that excersise stopped there. He doesn't even kiss or hug me and brushes me off when I try. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but I'm beginning to feel otherwise now. I flipped when I caught him wanking in the shower as I wanted his orgasm to be with me (sorry, very cringe I know, but crying here). Not worried about porn / masturbation addiction as no internet so to speak of other than on mobile phones.

I'm beginning to feel like a nympho in my own home for wanting sex with my husband!!

Any advice would be much appreciated x

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 07/03/2015 02:57

Sounds as if this is a physical problem. He probably doesn't want to instigate anything and then not be able to follow through, hence the reluctance to kiss etc. it's a big deal for a man. Could you persuade him to see a doctor?

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 03:01

It's funny you should say that as he struggled with erectile dysfunction a bit when we first got together and he said it was down to nerves then.

Maybe it's that again (minus the nerves)?

I'm just feeling so unloved by him, undesirable etc. yet he got angry when he found i bought a vibrator (sorry, tmi I know) x

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 03:05

Also just remembered it went down hill even further after i miscarried in 2013. Surely that's not an issue now seeing as we've had a baby since then x

OP posts:
SensationalGirl · 07/03/2015 03:07

There are loads and loads of options for ed. If that's the problem it's such a shame you both suffer because you don't know there is help. I just got through Tracey Cox More Sex book and there is a whole section on ed. Perhaps a chat to your doctor in how to approach it with him is in order.

Bodies sometimes do embarrassing things, it takes courage to admit it.

clenchthebuttocks · 07/03/2015 06:46

OP your pain & feelings of rejection and loneliness are evident and I'm very sorry.
My thought on what imight be happening is he has felt angry snd resentful about the lack of sex around the time your children were born (please be clear i do not blame you for this AT ALL, completely normal even without pregnancy complications and a caesarean) and has got into the habit of wanking off to porn. For him it's quick, it's easy and it's escapism from the stresses and responsibilities of adult life when uncomfortable feelings overwhelm hiim. And he has had to grow up very quickly to cope with the worry of your first child's difficult arrival - you both have. He could be getting more than usual excitement from all the novelty and variety, to the extent he is excluding you.
Only you really know your DH and if this scenario is possible. Maybe consider couples counselling.

bythewindsailors · 07/03/2015 07:23

I am thinking of you. No advice to share I'm afraid but wanted to say that you are not alone in this. I am in a similar situation but a few years later. Kids are 8 and 5, so long time since birth, sleepless nights etc.
I wish now that we had done more to address the issue at the time, but it was too awkward. He never seemed interested in me, always seemed happier when I was out of his way. I felt that I was some kind of pervert for wanting to touch him. I rememberssobbing to myself in bed when I heard him masturbating.
That was a few years ago and things have gone from bad to worse. I no longer want sex myself, it's been so long without regular sex (read once per 6 months) that it leaves me feeling sore. i no longer have any sexual feelings for my dh, although I love him deeply. I don't even want to be in the same bed as him. I don't want to leave as he's my soul mate and the most amazing dad and family man. I love our family life, hate our life as a couple.

I am 40, he is 50. It's a shit life in a shit marriage. I miss feeling important to him.

Sukie272 · 07/03/2015 07:34

Ask him what he was fantasizing about when you caught him in shower. It could be the key to turning him on again. I know you say he doesn't have access to porn but men don't need it to masturbate (which is quite normal btw, most men in relationships still have orgasms alone sometimes.) What isn't normal is his lack of interest in sex. I think the only way you can get to the bottom of it is by talking to him. Could he be worried about sustaining an erection/performance anxiety? Is he bored with the type of sex you're having? Only doing it in 2 positions doesn't sound very exciting, maybe it's time to try something different? After 10years I think all couples need to work harder at their sex life, communicate about it and try new things to keep the excitement going. Good luck!

addicted2cake · 07/03/2015 07:42

Is there anyone who could have the children overnight? Sometimes having them away helps- no risk of any interruptions! Try just kissing - it can reconnect you and make you feel close again.
Just small things but might help. Hope you get this sorted.

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 07:51

I did ask him what he was thinking about (once I calmed down) and he said "you" and I asked "what about me" and he said "just you".

I think in the early days the ED was performance anxiety but after 10 years he knows my body almost as well as I know it myself so he has nothing to be worried about.

I've suggested trying new things, asking if there is anything he wants to try and he just says "no".

It's incredibly frustrating and a bit humiliating that I'm almost having to bed him :-(

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 07/03/2015 07:56

Could he be worried about you getting pregnant again?

Could you just sort of 'jump his bones' when he wasn't expecting it or is that a big no no?

I

clenchthebuttocks · 07/03/2015 07:59

Smart phones are perfect for viewing porn when he has a couple of spare minutes - small and easily slipped into the pocket when he hears footsteps coming.
A man in his late twenties is probably knocking one out at least once most days.
Wondering what is going on messes with your head. I hope he doesn't lie when you ask him, although any shame wouldn't make it unusual.
Watch for him sloping off and taking opportunities to be away from the family. And good luck.

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 08:01

I suppose he could be, I got pregnant with our eldest on the pill, then the miscarried baby only doing it once then the same for our youngest. But we have condoms in the drawer. He's away till Sunday visiting family, I may jump him when he gets in, see what does / how he reacts. Though I don't think I could take it if he shrugged me off

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2015 08:05

Will he and you be willing to go to the GP re this issue?. This has to be addressed now and properly by both of you. A full and frank discussion is needed in front of someone like your GP and/or a counsellor.

It is unfair of him for him to say that he loves you and by the same token not seemingly want to do anything about the underlying problem. ED can be addressed and he is not the only man to have had such problems. He may also have some issues relating to both your c/s and miscarriage; these may well have affected him very deeply.

Joysmum · 07/03/2015 08:06

The trouble is, th isn't something you can fix. He needs to want to and it sounds as if he doesn't want to. Did I read it right, no foreplay since the kids so he's not willing to do what he knew was good for you before?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2015 08:07

I would talk to him openly about how you are feeling in this marriage and wanting to resolve this issue as a couple rather than trying to jump him and potentially being rejected.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2015 08:10

Is he expecting you to have what is basically a sexless marriage from now on?. That is totally unfair on his part if he is expecting this of you.

I am wondering if he also has problems with intimacy and I would agree with the points made to you re mobile phones. If that has internet access porn can be accessed on it.

Sukie272 · 07/03/2015 08:12

It's interesting he got angry over you buying a vibrator... do you think he was jealous or upset because he feels unable to perform? Erectile dysfunction is common and men are often too ashamed to discuss it. I suggest having a heart-to-heart chat when he returns, ask him outright (but sensitively) if he's worried about this. If he is, he needs to see his GP.

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 08:16

Yes, no foreplay since the children. Would often spend days doing just the foreplay. Now nothing.

He has said that the emergency c section was scary, then the difficult vaginal birth with youngest scared him a bit.

He won't do counselling.

Very frank discussion needed really but am embarrassed about it which is juvenile I know x

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 08:20

I even suggested he either used the vibrator on me or watched, with then aim of arousing him of course, but no interest, I'd go as far to say he was disgusted x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2015 08:23

I am wondering if he has become completely traumatised by the birth processes you went through.

Why does he not want to do counselling, what are his reasons?. He needs to realise that not addressing the issues apart from not solving anything could well ultimately cause your marriage to break down.

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 08:37

He just says that "we don't do that in my family".

He could well be scared by the birth process. I ended up with a third degree tear and in theatre for repair so maybe that's some of it.

It's just good to get some outside perspective really, I didn't even consider trauma about our DCs birth x

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/03/2015 08:44

Ok so what jumps out at me is his unwillingness to do anything sexual, see this as a problem or to seek help.

That means that unless he can do all those things you are consigned to a sexless existence. You can't fix this, he has to.

Full and frank discussion is certainly needed but you need to sort out in your own head whether a sexless marriage is a deal breaker for you and where you stand on this.

Good luck.

Isetan · 07/03/2015 09:03

His ED is rooted in the physical or the psychological and MN can speculate but we can't diognose.

He needs to see his GP but that's his perrogative and you can not force him to address the problem.

His mastubation yet disapproval of your vibe sounds very selfish/ controling, does he disapprove of you masturbating or is he threatened by your BOB providing the service he can't/ won't?

Your feelings of rejection aren't going to disappear anytime soon and resentment is a very corrosive thing.

All you can do is communicate in very clear terms (like you have done here) what his refusal to address the ED is doing to you and decide how long you are prepared to subject yourself to a relationship where your feelings are ignored.

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 09:11

He's not controlling or selfish in any other area of our life so this is very unlike him

Time for talks when he returns x

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 09:11

And thank you everyone x

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread