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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling sad :-( lack of sex really getting me down

74 replies

MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 02:38

I was going to name change as this is quite an emotive topic but then thought bollocks.....

Me and DH have been together 10 years (28 & 29 respectively). We have 2 DCs (6 year old and 6 month old).

Bit of back ground, we lost our virginities together (only ever kissed other people, nothing else at all with other people). This wasn't for religious reasons or anything, just happened that way.
We were together a year before we slept together the first time, but in that year we did everything else so knew each others bodies very well, had great orgasms etc.
We had a lot of sex then for 2 years though never very adventurous (ie just missionary or woman on top, though did endulge a little light bondage such as handcuffs etc). But still great orgasms etc.

Then I conceived our eldest by accident, had a very troublesome pregnancy so didn't get much sex, then for a while post delivery as I had a c section.

But it just wasn't (and hasn't) been the same since. We probably had sex about 12 times since 2008
between Eldest being born and Youngest being conceived (5 1/2 years) and haven't had sex since so none since Dec 2013. We didnt even have sex on our honeymoon, which breaks my heart 4 years later.

Without sounding awfully, the sex went from amazing before kids to mediocre (no foreplay or anticipation etc).
I've tried talking to DH about this, he says he wants more but it just doesn't happen. He doesn't even try now. We tried writing down 3 things we want to try, he read my first one and said no immediately (even though we've done this before) so that excersise stopped there. He doesn't even kiss or hug me and brushes me off when I try. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but I'm beginning to feel otherwise now. I flipped when I caught him wanking in the shower as I wanted his orgasm to be with me (sorry, very cringe I know, but crying here). Not worried about porn / masturbation addiction as no internet so to speak of other than on mobile phones.

I'm beginning to feel like a nympho in my own home for wanting sex with my husband!!

Any advice would be much appreciated x

OP posts:

swingofthings · 07/03/2015 17:53

Just one suggestion, could it have something to do with making babies? A friend of mine had exactly the same issue. After having her second baby, he just wouldn't get close to her. It went on for some time, him avoiding the subject, denying anything was wrong. It got so bad, she threatened to leave and that is when he confessed that he was petrified that she would get pregnant again.

What came to light is that their first had been an accident and he had struggle to adjust. She was desperate to have a second after a couple of years but he wasn't. He found being a dad much harder than he had expected but he felt too guilty about it to tell her. They had talked about having three kids before, so he started to become paranoid about it. In the end, she put him under a lot of pressure to have a second and he finally decided to go with it hoping that becoming a dad again would be easier and his concerns over money was him being too cautious. Unfortunately, he did find it just as hard the second time. After that, he became absolutely paranoid that she might get pregnant again, even though she was on the pill, especially when she started talking about how she would love a last one not too far apart from the second.

It took her saying she was leaving for him to finally open up about his feelings. It was a hard time for both of them, but she was prepared to compromise at two children and he decided to trust her. I understand their sex life got much better after that (although I don't know the details!).

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 17:59

He used to want me all the time before kids, then nada, so I guess there could be some link, maybe that's what's causing the ED :-(

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/03/2015 18:09

You don't know it's ed.

the revulsion at the vibrator, the comment about 'not in my family', even not losing his virginity til late suggests he has fairly complex issues with sex...

You are a young woman and wanting a sex life with your husband is hardly extreme. I can only suggest that you tell him how important it is and that he needs to get help.
If he fails to do so- which I suspect he will- then I'd leave him.

Many more years of this will kill you.

HootyMcTooty · 07/03/2015 18:11

There's no point guessing. Tell him what he's risking by not being willing to discuss and resolve the problem.

theredjellybean you make a good point, women are positively encouraged to play on their sexuality these days, but god forbid they actually enjoy sex!

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 18:15

We were both late bloomers in terms of having sex (I was almost 19, he was almost 20 when we lost our virginities together) but I didn't think this would even be part of our problem. I'm now worrying it's because we've only had each other!

Why is being an adult / sex so bloody complicated!

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/03/2015 18:23

Why don't you write down some of the stuff you've written here...

If he ignores it, you have your answer...

FellasSecret · 07/03/2015 18:25

MrsGiraffe, no answers here I'm afraid, just another voice to say you're not alone, nor is it just one way: my sex life with DW took a decided turn south after DD came along eight years ago, and it's now been well over two years without. Intimacy is also almost non-existent, and bizarrely, that hurts more than the sex.
A male perspective on ED (which I've never suffered before), when we did get some time a couple of months ago... Well let's just say I was a let down. Ironically, DW told me it was never a deal breaker to her, which is a pisser because it kinda confirms my thoughts that she's not at all interested in making it better, and I don't even know if I "work" properly anymore.

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 18:39

Thank you all.
I'm just going to show him this thread I think, it's the best way to do it.

I hope his feelings arnt hurt x

OP posts:

HootyMcTooty · 07/03/2015 18:54

I wouldn't show him this thread if I were you. If his unwillingness is due to ED or lack of confidence, this thread will do neither of you any favours. He might also latch on to one of the less embarrassing possible causes mentioned here and use that as an excuse rather than tell the truth.

If you're struggling to get a conversation out of him about this can you put all your feelings into a letter and ask him to read it, think about it and then approach you to have a proper talk? I'd hesitate to put words in his mouth in terms of suggesting possible causes, let him explain to you.

Ouchbloodyouch · 07/03/2015 18:57

Also there are too many different responses on here. He may just pick an answer that is the least hurtful and you won't get to the truth.

Ouchbloodyouch · 07/03/2015 19:00

Or shut down completely for talking about him. I'd be cross if I knew someone had been discussing my lack of libido with a bunch of strangers. Despite the anonymity.
Talk to him or write to him. Don't stop until you get answers. I don't mean badger him ( I'm sure you wouldn't) you might have to revisit the topic.

Ouchbloodyouch · 07/03/2015 19:03

hooty believe it or not I didn't read your post before I wrote mine.
I knew there was something special about you hoots

HootyMcTooty · 07/03/2015 19:04

Great minds ouch

Milllli · 07/03/2015 19:07

You mentioned you had said to him that you think he is having an affair OP. Do you have any other reason to think that other than the lack of sex? Is his behaviour off, is he away a lot?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/03/2015 19:15

Agree with PP.

A letter, detailing your feelings and not speculating on his reasons, might get him to open up more.

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 19:43

Nope, just the lack of sex that made me think he was maybe having an affair. He's home tomorrow after a weekend visiting family so ill talk to him then, he's probably going to be relaxed after being away from it all

OP posts:

Handywoman · 07/03/2015 20:29

Good luck, MrsGiraffe12 you sound lovely. I hope the chat goes OK and that he can start to open up about this.

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 20:59

Thank you. I just don't want to hurt my husband, he's a good man, we just unfortunately are struggling in this one massive area x

OP posts:

Ouchbloodyouch · 07/03/2015 22:08

I really do hope you get a resolution soon. You can't go on like this..

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 08/03/2015 20:01

Hi all.

Just popping by whilst DH baths the bairns to say thanks again.

We had a chat (without me showing this thread) and he said he's basically scared of making me pregnant again because of how poorly I am when pregnant / how I have difficult pregnancies, and that fear in turn makes him unable to have sex.

So the resulting factor is he is going to speak to the doctor about a vasectomy. Am pleased about this as I was contemplating sterilisation anyway as 100 % don't want anymore.

As for the sex, obviously not had any since starting the thread but hopefully will improve if he does get a vasectomy x

OP posts:

Christinayang1 · 08/03/2015 20:03

Aw giraffe that's good that you have been able to talk

Here's hoping it all works out for you

HootyMcTooty · 08/03/2015 20:24

That's great news.

Milllli · 08/03/2015 22:09

So glad that he has opened up to you Giraffe. It will all be good once he gets the vasectomy. Will take away the fear.

MissMuesli · 08/03/2015 22:25

Maybe in the mean time you could change contraception if you want? Implant combined with a condom should be pretty safe! Glad you could talk about it x

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