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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling sad :-( lack of sex really getting me down

74 replies

MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 02:38

I was going to name change as this is quite an emotive topic but then thought bollocks.....

Me and DH have been together 10 years (28 & 29 respectively). We have 2 DCs (6 year old and 6 month old).

Bit of back ground, we lost our virginities together (only ever kissed other people, nothing else at all with other people). This wasn't for religious reasons or anything, just happened that way.
We were together a year before we slept together the first time, but in that year we did everything else so knew each others bodies very well, had great orgasms etc.
We had a lot of sex then for 2 years though never very adventurous (ie just missionary or woman on top, though did endulge a little light bondage such as handcuffs etc). But still great orgasms etc.

Then I conceived our eldest by accident, had a very troublesome pregnancy so didn't get much sex, then for a while post delivery as I had a c section.

But it just wasn't (and hasn't) been the same since. We probably had sex about 12 times since 2008
between Eldest being born and Youngest being conceived (5 1/2 years) and haven't had sex since so none since Dec 2013. We didnt even have sex on our honeymoon, which breaks my heart 4 years later.

Without sounding awfully, the sex went from amazing before kids to mediocre (no foreplay or anticipation etc).
I've tried talking to DH about this, he says he wants more but it just doesn't happen. He doesn't even try now. We tried writing down 3 things we want to try, he read my first one and said no immediately (even though we've done this before) so that excersise stopped there. He doesn't even kiss or hug me and brushes me off when I try. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but I'm beginning to feel otherwise now. I flipped when I caught him wanking in the shower as I wanted his orgasm to be with me (sorry, very cringe I know, but crying here). Not worried about porn / masturbation addiction as no internet so to speak of other than on mobile phones.

I'm beginning to feel like a nympho in my own home for wanting sex with my husband!!

Any advice would be much appreciated x

OP posts:
DrKarg · 07/03/2015 09:12

Hi OP. No advice here but I just wanted to be another voice writing to let you know you're not alone. I'm 30 and DP of 7 years has absolutely zero interest in sex with me. We've had sex once since DS was conceived 18 months ago. Every time I try to instigate something he just gets annoyed and tells me he's tired. I know it's not a mechanical problem with him - he obviously just doesn't fancy me anymore. It's pretty soul destroying Hmm Anyway, good luck to you

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 09:29

Thank you. It's breaking me apart, and to think I'm only 28 is even more depressing :-(

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 07/03/2015 09:32

Suggest that you start from the stance that even if you don't have sex you still want to be kissed, loved and cuddled. This might take the pressure of him and provide a more relaxed situation. Lots of affection and love which you really show....not saying that's not what is happening. Just a feeling and from experience.

Christinayang1 · 07/03/2015 09:47

I think some very honest discussion is needed as he is in danger of destroying your marriage

His comment about " we don't do that in my family" is a strange one and probably key to the issue. Do you think he feels uncomfortable now because you are a mother?

Charlie97 · 07/03/2015 10:05

He needs to understand the seriousness of this, how it will badly affect your relationship.

I too don't understand that he masturbates but is unhappy that you do?

Have you asked him why?

It's tough, but serious talking time needed.

Good luck xx

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/03/2015 10:13

He seems to have shut down his sexual responses to you. He doesn't want or need a sexual connection to you and whether he has done this deliberately or unconsciously it has to be addressed. He needs to analyse why this has happened.
ED could be part of the problem but doesn't explain why he isn't interested in foreplay or psychical closeness. I think it's psychological not physical.
It could be linked to fear of pregnancy or it could just be that he's not a very sexual person or any number of things. Nobody can work it out but him, and if he doesn't it will kill your marriage sadly :(

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 10:16

It's just strange because for 2 years we had a LOT of sex, then bam, babies and not much sex at all.

I sound like some crazy sex pest. I promise I'm not, I just find my husband sexy and want that intimacy back, even kissing and cuddling would be fab right now x

OP posts:
Isetan · 07/03/2015 11:14

It appears his issues are so deep seated, that ignoring your feelings are preferable to addressing the issue but are you really prepared to sacrifice your sex life so that he can continue ignoring them.

Theres a good chance that any attempt to have the 'talk' will be met with, defensiveness, avoidance and/or deflection on his part. So I would avoid initiating the 'talk' until you are confident enough not to be silenced or fobbed off.

CoffeeBeanie · 07/03/2015 11:16

Talk to him, don't jump on him, it won't go well.

Make it clear that this cannot go on. You are not a sex pest, you have natural needs. If he doesn't want to address the issue I would tell him it will destroy your marriage.
You are 28, FGS you have the best years of your life ahead of you, youth, looks, feeling sexy. Don't let them slip away, you will definitely regret it.

CoffeeBeanie · 07/03/2015 11:18

Mrs it does sound like a psychological issue. If "his family" don't talk about things like this with partners or doctors you have a very tough journey ahead.

NeedToSayItToo · 07/03/2015 12:11

OP you are not alone, I'm sorry I cannot give you any advice either. Just empathy. Flowers
My DH is perfect, lovely thoughtful, supportive Ect. But for years our sex life was a bone of contention. We use to have a very adventurous sex life, but slowly got less and less.

The rejection is awful and the kissing and cuddling disappeared too, I would get brushed off and he would get annoyed with me just for cuddling in bed.

He wouldn't talk about it, or sometimes he'd make an effort which actually made me feel worse because it seemed so forced, a kind of "here now leave me alone thing. "

I did end up having an affair please don't flame me, you have know idea were my head was at and how much I hate myself for it too

It nearly destroyed our family. We had a break from each other and he also started dating, but we belonged together.

Life is better now, he knows it is the affection as much as the sex which is vital.
Sex still isn't regular(but is amazing when we do) but the kissing, cuddling and showing love is. We now talk about our sex life or lack of.

I agree with pp that the self pleasuring is a sort of lazy trap. He wants to change.

We are looking at couples counselling now as it's been a few years since we got back together, and just want that extra help.

HootyMcTooty · 07/03/2015 13:17

It's very common to lose each other when children come along, but there's no reason for this to happen, if you're both prepared to face the problem head on.

You need to be able to have a full and frank conversation with him about this, starting with how important it is that you sort this out, together. It might be that he is suffering with the classic madonna/whore complex, or maybe it's as simple as him being afraid of hurting you. The lack of foreplay does somewhat suggest laziness on his part, possibly because of porn use, possibly just because he's tired. The point is, you won't know unless you can get him to talk about it.

Are you able to spend some time alone together, getting to know each other again, kiss, take sex off the table and just learn to explore each other, to see if it will lead to sex eventually.

Your sadness is very evident, but you also come across as very confident sexually, whereas he does not. Maybe he finds your confidence intimidating? He shouldn't, but maybe that should also be discussed.

I hope you're able to sort it out, you're definitely not the only couple to go through something similar.

Ouchbloodyouch · 07/03/2015 14:11

Is it possible he doesn't fancy you any more? Sorry but it is a possibility. All these above theories.. you need to talk.

DrSethHazlittMD · 07/03/2015 14:20

You flipped when you caught him wanking in the shower but you similarly bought a vibrator (which he didn't like)? I don't think either of you have the right to be angry about the other getting themselves off if it's not happening together. Counselling?

Ouchbloodyouch · 07/03/2015 14:21

Yes but DrSeth op wants sex. I'd be pissed off in that scenario.

DrSethHazlittMD · 07/03/2015 14:30

Ouch my point is that no one owns someone else's body. Either of them are entitled to masturbate at any time. Often, where a couple have very different sex drives, it's a sensible option, but often the partner who wants more (or any sex) seems to be affronted that their partner chooses to masturbate instead of having sex. Even if the OP and her husband were having sex, neither of them has the right to be angry that the other wants to get themselves off!

That doesn't mean they shouldn't talk, or go for counselling, which is what I suggested.

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 14:46

I flipped because he said he had no desire for sex, then found him doing that.

So I bought a vibe so I don't keep pestering him x

OP posts:
HootyMcTooty · 07/03/2015 14:50

Sex and wanking aren't the same thing though OP. Sex involves being intimate with another person, putting some effort into their needs. Wanking is a quick release. I can understand why you'd be upset, but I don't think him bashing one out in the shower is your biggest problem. Something is stopping him wanting to have sex. You'll only know what's stopping him if you can get him to be honest. It's a shame that you have to be the driving force here, but it seems like he's not going to resolve this without hearing some serious home truths.

theredjellybean · 07/03/2015 15:26

Mrsgiraffe...empathy here and a cautious tale...i had such a similar situation only my dh has never ever been interested in sex, even when we were younger....i thought it would get better and i tried everything...but it just dwindled and it was always me instigating it.
5 years ago it just stopped altogether and i only tried to talk about it once...he was so embarrassed and so was I....and i started having an affair...it was supposed to be just for a bit of fun ...i didnt realise that sex and being desired could get so tangled up with emotional feelings , i thought i could compartmentalise, i wanted my marriage as we are good friends, parent well together and have a nice life, and my lover would fulfill the missing bit.....fast forward 3.5 years and i am a mess. Other man and I fell utterly in love, have weathered a lot of emotional heartache, etc etc, and want to be together, because i now see that a full , real relationship is possible...i dont want to settle for a marriage which is basically just friends...but i have 2 children and so does other man and we dont want to cause all the upheaval in their lives....I wish i had talked to my DH in the beginning....i dont know how to untangle it all.

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 16:39

Thank you all for your replies, I do read them all and I do appreciate them.

I guess this post is a safe place for me to vent. I really am going to have to talk to him (again!) and hope he listens and tells me what's wrong this time.......beginning to think I'm ugly to him now or that maybe he's having an affair

OP posts:
WildFlowerWoman · 07/03/2015 17:24

Just a word of warning. I agree you should talk to your husband and try and find out what is going on in his head, but don't whatever you do, tell him that you think he doesn't fancy you anymore or that you think he may be having an affair. Try to keep the conversation as light as possible because if he does have ED and his problems are psychological it will only make things worse. That said, he will to see his GP to check that the cause is not physical. I hope it all works out well for you. Good luck.

Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 17:25

And it's not like I want kinky fuckery every night either, once a week would be great, not twice a year x

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGiraffe12 · 07/03/2015 17:27

It's a bit late for not saying I think he's having an affair, already told him I think this and he said words to the effect of he's not confident enough to go with someone else, and I got upset and said he's not confident to go with me either.

Feel like the worst wife ever now for making such a big deal about sex :-(

OP posts:
HootyMcTooty · 07/03/2015 17:30

Sex is important, especially if it's the source of your unhappiness! You're not a bad wife, you're trying to resolve a problem in your marriage.

theredjellybean · 07/03/2015 17:50

you are NOT a bad wife..it has amazed me how many threads on here about sexless marriages...through choice of the man...thought it was just me...it is hard to ask for what you want , maybe because society leads us all to believe that men "want" sex and women "give" sex. We are not "nice" girls if we have wants/needs/desires of our own...and all men "want"sex all the time...so trying to get your head round your situation is hard as it goes against what society has told us is the normal...no wonder we all think "what is wrong with me"

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