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Original poster

Feel bit annoyed but maybe harmless lads banter? DH

99 replies

sillyornot · 03/03/2015 20:58

Ok first thing out the way - I read dh text. He has been away at work and there was banter on there about how hot the woman was who was taking their course.. look at her tits etc.

So he goes away again this week so I need to look. Says to the person who is already at the course "any hotties there?"

No grief over reading the texts please but just debating. harmless lad banter, after all I would say to a friend oh he is nice looking etc or more?

OP posts:

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 04/03/2015 12:42

Oh come on!!! Have you lot never been out and nudged your friend and commented on a guys arse? It's human nature to look, so long as it stops there then what's the problem?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/03/2015 12:42

Well said, Shumb.

Isn't there a difference between coming out of a meeting, and saying to your mate, 'gosh...he/she was alright!...'

And going away on a course and texting in advance, 'any hotties there?'.

It seems a bit...Looking for trouble.

LurcioAgain · 04/03/2015 12:55

Surely context is all (as usual). Joking with your mates (of either sex) about someone who can't hear you (so they are not embarrassed/harrassed by what you're saying) on a night out in a club when there's a reasonable assumption that at least some of the people there are on the pull - bit juvenile, but part of the human condition. Doing so in a work setting - not okay.

firesidechat · 04/03/2015 14:27

Precisely, Rebecca. I think firesidechat might be surprised to see her husband's reaction to attractive women if he were secretly filmed. It may well not be a phwoooaar type of reaction, but his attention would probably be attracted. Presumably he was physically attracted to her at some point!

I've been married to him for 30 years, you wouldn't recognise him if he was sitting in front of you now. I think I win this particular argument.

Saying all men do this, all women do that is lazy thinking.

Of course men and women find others attractive. They don't have act like immature teenagers about it.

ToYouToMe · 04/03/2015 15:12

@ firesidechat: You are truly blessed to be married to such a man.

Nobody is saying all men share sexist banter. But it's a fact that many do.

I've worked with lots of men over the years, young and old, carpenters to company directors, and I can tell you that your DH is the exception that proves the rule.

You don't like it. I don't like it. But men will be men. Or, as you put it, men will be 'immature teenagers' given half a chance. That's why this board exists, isn't it, to mop up all the mess from the stupid things men do?

Maybe men will evolve to become more emotionally intelligent in our lifetime. But don't hold your breath.

firesidechat · 04/03/2015 15:18

I'm not sure I believe that he is that rare a specimen. Wouldn't that be depressing. He did grow up with 2 sisters, so maybe that makes a difference. He is a decent man in lots of ways.

ShumbTucker · 04/03/2015 15:31

"But men will be men"

I know plenty of emotionally intelligent men and I know plenty of sexist knobbers. I know men who strive endlessly to raise the bar and I know men who will do anything to drag others down with them. Good men aren't rare, they just aren't talked about on the relationships board where people generally post about problems.

"Maybe men will evolve to become more emotionally intelligent in our lifetime. But don't hold your breath."

We are the mothers of boys who will eventually be men, what chance do they have if we have already decided they will be sexist, moronic knuckledraggers and there is nothing we can do to change it?

Goodbetterbest · 04/03/2015 15:39

Quite ShumbTucker. I for one make it quite clear to my sons that it is NOT ok to treat girls and women like that, and to my daughters, it is NOT acceptable to be treated in such a way. The youngest is 7, the oldest is 13. They get it.

chimchimini · 04/03/2015 16:01

Ok you said you didn't want grief over the reading his texts, but why the fuck are you reading his texts? Is there a trust issue? If DH read my texts I'd be incandescent!

It's just banter btw, they think they're being amusing.

ToYouToMe · 04/03/2015 16:21

If only everyone was a enlightened as you Goodbetterbest, the world would be a very different place. Unfortunately they're not. Sexist, moronic knuckledraggers are likely to be around for some time to come.

ShutUpLegs · 04/03/2015 16:42

ShumbTucker · 04/03/2015 16:46

goodbetterbest keep fighting the good fight . Our children are worth raising the bar for.

TheCraicDealer · 04/03/2015 19:42

I don't know if your thirteen year old is really going to turn round and say, "cor, Mum, look at the rack on that!". He likely behaves very differently with his peers. DBoyfriend's mother raised him and his brother with a feminist outlook, doesn't mean he doesn't look at boobs. He just does it more discretely when his mother is in the immediate vicinity, and he certainly wouldn't discuss it with her.

Back2Two · 04/03/2015 20:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

iwashappy · 04/03/2015 20:15

"Men will be men" yes sadly quite a few men will behave like that, but certainly not all men. There are a lot of men who will engage in such "banter" away from women but at one time it wasn't unusual for men to engage in such "banter" in front of women. So there is some progress being made in that they realise it will be frowned on nowadays.

Not all men behave the same thankfully. Some will be utter idiots no matter the company, some will be juvenile in male company, some will conduct themselves properly regardless of who they are with.

"doesn't mean he doesn't look at boobs. He just does it more discretely when his mother is in the immediate vicinity, and he certainly wouldn't discuss it with her." he would if he was a thirty something virgin with a very weird and hairy handed mother sorry Craic I couldn't resist.

Wackadoodle · 04/03/2015 20:29

I for one make it quite clear to my sons that it is NOT ok to treat girls and women like that, and to my daughters, it is NOT acceptable to be treated in such a way. The youngest is 7, the oldest is 13. They get it.

Treat girls and women like what?

The OP refers to two PRIVATE texts sent between the OP's husband and a male friend. It doesn't say a single thing about any interaction between the man and any woman ever, or give any reason to suggest that his conduct of those interactions is not consistently appropriate and respectful.

And yes, contrary to the bizarre idea some people seem to have that there's only enough room in a man's brain for either sex OR everything else - it's perfectly possible to respect a person in all kinds of ways, while also thinking they have nice tits.

AGirlCalledBoB · 04/03/2015 20:35

Is he 17?

Because he sounds like a immature twat. How disgusting that this is a professional woman giving a talk and all your oh can concentrate on is her tits.

I hope a woman notices your oh perving on her and really shows him up.

TheCraicDealer · 04/03/2015 20:54

Haha, iwas! I don't know if you meet many eligible women living under a bridge, might not have had the opportunity.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2015 20:59

lots of goats to choose from, I expect

iwashappy · 04/03/2015 21:01

Craic maybe he thought trolling was an activity that would lead to sex!

deste · 04/03/2015 21:07

Sounds like he was showing off, wanting to be one of the lads but to be honest he is behaving like a 14 year old.

iwashappy · 04/03/2015 21:11

As long as they were gorgeous goats that wanted him on the first night and every night afterwards.

Sorry OP for derailing your thread but the virgin thread was so bizarre I was fascinated and it was a bloody good distraction for a few hours. It really should have gone to classics.

Back to your thread OP are you going to say anything to your DH about his texts?

XiCi · 04/03/2015 21:22

I would be mortified if I found those texts on DH phone, only because I'd hate to discover I was married to a complete arsehole.
The 'are there any hotties' text would upset me the most as the only reason your DH would ask this is if he had it in his mind that he was going to try and get off with one of the 'hotties'. As you said, why would it matter what the girls on his course looked like otherwise?

Original poster

sillyornot · 04/03/2015 21:35

WOW, huge debate :)

Ok a few things - 1. the tits comment was at the barmaid after work

Yes I think its not what he said ( as someone says its the context)

I probably wouldn't have been bothered if whilst away they saw someone "hot" or "cute" and commented to each other as I know i have done that its the advance text of "are there any hotties there" that is the problem. Why should it matter? He is away for work, why is he asking that?

Yes It is a private text but i had reason to look. We have been struggling in our marriage as we have a disabled son who takes up our time and i got a bit wobbly so just checked and saw the tits one. This then led me to check again to find the hottie one a few weeks later.

I do take offence at all the knob comments as he really isn't but i am not equally going to turn a blind eye should there become a problem.

OP posts:

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