Feel bit annoyed but maybe harmless lads banter? DH

[sillyornot]

Ok first thing out the way - I read dh text. He has been away at work and there was banter on there about how hot the woman was who was taking their course.. look at her tits etc.

So he goes away again this week so I need to look. Says to the person who is already at the course "any hotties there?"

No grief over reading the texts please but just debating. harmless lad banter, after all I would say to a friend oh he is nice looking etc or more?

Why don't you text him while he's there now and ask if there are any hotties or how's the lady with the great tits this week? Clearly this possibly isn't the wisest advice here but I'd be annoyed enough to do it!

Do you think the girls on the course would see it as harmless banter is she heard them objectifying her like that?

I would lose a lot of respect for dh if I heard him speaking about anyone in that way. Would you feel comfortable speaking to him about it? Would he be happy for other groups if men to speak about his dd or sister or mum in that way? You can't unseen what you've seen so you're either gonna have to speak to him or you'll be always checking his phone and second guessing when he is away in future.

poor woman
It sounds like maybe he has some sleazy work mates who he wants to fit in with if you are surprised that is not his normal behaviour?

I would be massively disappointed if my OH did that. I would wonder who the fuck he was.

He's on a work course and they're discussing the trainers 'tits'?

No, all men do NOT talk that. It's completely inappropriate and shows a complete lack of respect and boundaries.

It's not just blokey banter and I expect they could get into trouble at work if it was found out.

oh oops I mis wrote who he talked about. Was the barmaid not the trainer he is male ( not that is matters loads lol)

Little bear that made me laugh!
Yes he isn't really a real lad doesn't go out much etc is a family man.

I think after I have been to work I will tell him how some guys commented I had great tits, what idiots etc :)

Perhaps I'm not annoyed because I have literally done this. I was at a lesson about the use of an IT program and the guy taking the lecture looked like a bloody Greek god. I texted my colleague at lunch and she obviously thought this was hilarious. Does this mean I took him less seriously? Does it mean if I had a problem I wouldn't go to him for clarification? Nope, just provided some short-lived amusement for me and my colleague and IT hottie was none the wiser. Someone can be very knowledgable and also very pretty, and I would like to think that my boyfriend also has this level of understanding.

Frankly I think if you're secretly reading his messages you've got deeper issues than this, and letting him know you've been looking through his phone is going to give you more problems than a bit of chat about a stranger's boobs.

You've clearly convinced yourself that this is ok & not at all the behaviour of a fuckwit, how lovely for you. It doesn't matter who the tits belonged to btw, he still sounds like a twat.

No - I'm just saying that behaving like that on a work context is awful.

The blokes I know are all pretty scornful and dismissive of 'lad banter', which seems to be a euphemism for 'sexist, objectifying bollocks'. Maybe I'm just lucky that I mostly know men who actually respect women.

that's so funny!!
Not convinced myself but I suppose I know him and you guys don't. He is so not a twat, a really lovely supportive dh but am just irritated by the comments he has put.

OOo a greek god, sounds nice :) I would do that too and me and dh have commented to each other about who we fancy on tv that kind of thing.

craic, you commented that the whole man was attractive ie looked like a Greek god (unless Greek Gods are well known for having massive cocks or summat)

nothing wrong with that

what I object to is women (and men) being reduced to nothing more than their sexual organs

that is the problem here

I do sometimes find the naivety on here astonishing.

Most men - not ALL but most - evaluate the women they see and meet in terms of sex appeal and attractiveness.

The newsreader Jon Snow said it succinctly last year: 'Every time a man meets a woman he hasn’t met before, the thought goes through his mind: ‘do I fancy her?’ That is a fact"

Most men have the sense not to share their observations about other women's boobs, lips, bums etc with their partners for obvious reasons. Many do though banter with other men when they're not being observed by the female of the species.

Is it sexist? Yes. Does it objectify women? Yes. Are men likely to stop anytime soon. No.

[thinks dreamily of IT session] Well boobs are usually rather more on show than cocks are, unless you're being taught how to use a portal system by Sportacus from Lazy Town. Consequently men are able to make an assessment and comment rather more easily than we are. They've always done it and it's not going to stop any time soon.

I think the Greeks preferred small ones iirc- they thought big willies were a bit common and gauche or something. How odd.

@ craic

it's just so 1970's isn't it ?

embarassing

Sadly I think there's quite a few men who do talk like this with other men but would have enough sense to not say anything so sleazy in front of women.

I don't like it at all, it's demeaning, but some men will have conversations outside of your earshot that you won't like if you were to hear them. The same goes for texts between men that they don't expect to get seen by anyone else (that's not a dig at you OP).

I wonder if everyone would be so blase if these blokes were making eg. racist remarks

I'm not sure any of us are in a position to say what all or most men do or think in the absence of actual evidence. That said, even if we are to accept the premise that all/most men evaluate women primarily on a sexual attractiveness basis, there is a big gap between what they think and what they do - including discussing women's 'tits' and asking colleagues in advance if there are 'hotties'. The latter speaks to an active eagerness to objectify women and encourage their mates to do the same. It's certainly not an evaluation of a woman they've just met in a 'natural /involuntary' way. And it perpetuates the idea that women are present in any situation for the enjoyment of men.

At absolute best, this sort of banter is juvenile, and at its worst it's discussing and hugely disrespectful towards women.

AF has it spot on.

The reason you're irritated about it is because this "banter" shows your DH to be a sexist pig. I wouldn't like to be discussed like a piece of meat any more than I would like my DH to discuss women like pieces of meat.

Sexism is no more acceptable than racism, and no, not all men talk about women like that, just the idiots.

I think attitude's are changing but very slowly and I think the main change so far has been in what men think they can get away with rather than what they think.

Take building sites for example, men may not yell out "cor look at the arse on that" (stereotyping I know but horses for courses) so much now but I bet a lot of men will still think that even if they don't say it. I doubt they think "she looks nice I'd like to ask her out for a drink."

I work in a very male orientated industry in an office out of sight but very much in earshot and there still are plenty of men out there who come out with objectifying shit when they think there's no women around.

attitudes are only changing because more and more people are not excusing sexual objectification as "just something men do"

people who say "they will always do it, we might as well give up" are holding back the cause actually