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Original poster

Can you really be just good friends with the opposite sex??

74 replies

blondebaby111 · 03/03/2015 08:31

I don't really know where to start but here goes..... I've just found out I've been lied to for months and I'm in shock. My fiancé ( we've been together a long time) is really good friends with a work colleauge who started last year. I was very suspicious of this lady as I knew they got on but I went through a really bad patch last year where I convinced myself they were having an affair. He strongly denied this and said they just got on, that was it!!

She ended being posted somewhere else and I was led to believe that they hadn't been in contact, just at this point friend on Facebook. So I started feeling alot happier in myself, we'd not long had a baby when she started working with him and things were good, we had a good Xmas etc. I still asked a few questions about her but all I got was ' I'm not sure, I haven't spoken to her since last year'. I think deep down I knew this wasn't true, I just couldn't prove it.
Anyway, details I won't go into but I've found out they have been in contact the whole time, haven't met up but speak on the phone quite regular. I was absolutely furious. He swears to me she's just a friend, feels sorry for her ( she's been having a shit time) and doesn't fancy her in the slightest , they just get on. We chatted and I seemed ok with it just upset he had lied to me but after a pretty sleepless night this morning I'm so upset. I feel like he is having an affair, I can't handle the lies and I thought I was the only one he confided in, not someone else. I seriously don't know how I feel. I just feel numb, can we get through this??
He's told me he won't end the friendship, I've just got to accept it Sad
He also wants us to meet, I don't know what to do??

OP posts:
alwayslookingforsomething · 03/03/2015 08:34

This isn't about whether men and women can be friends. It is about your fiancé lying to you

Perfectlypurple · 03/03/2015 08:37

Yes you can be good friends with the opposite sex. My oldest friend is male. The difference is I don't hide it and if I speak to him I tell my dh.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2015 08:38

Lots of people will come on and tell you of their innocent friendships with the opposite sex

but this bloke is a liar which is the deal breaker in my opinion

Figfog · 03/03/2015 08:38

Yes- this is about lying, not being friends with the opposite sex.

For what it's worth- in my experience men and women can be just friends just like members of the same sex are. I find it incredibly strange that so many people seem to deny that it's possible. One of my best friends is a man and the thought of there ever being any sexual element to it is just completely bizarre. My husband also has many female friends- I am not sure why people find it so difficult to understand.

Charlie97 · 03/03/2015 08:40

Yes men and women can be close friends, one of my closest friends is male, No issue to either of our partners we are just friends.

Your OH lying to you is a MASSIVE issue!

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 03/03/2015 08:41

He said he lied to me to protect my feelings as he knew I wouldn't be happy, I wasn't very nice about this lady when I thought something was going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
blondebaby111 · 03/03/2015 08:42

We've always had the same friends, we've been together a long time so this is new to me. I'm not so sure he would be comfortable with it if if the shoe was on the other foot

OP posts:
Flissity83 · 03/03/2015 08:43

He should have been honest with you. Why hide it if it's innocent?. I genuinely think it is just a friendship between them as he has asked you to meet her but he's ruined the trust by lying about it. With regards to you being upset about him confiding in her, would this bother you if she was male?

Christinayang1 · 03/03/2015 08:43

No, he has lied to protect his own arse

Protecting your feelings would simply involve not going behind your back and being honest with you

flowery · 03/03/2015 08:43

I have several close male friends. More than I do female now I think about it. But DH knows all of them and I've never lied to him about being friends with them.

DrSethHazlittMD · 03/03/2015 08:45

This is a recurring topic on here. There are, sadly, some people on MN who seem quite unable to accept that men and women can be really close friends.

I'm a male, with many good female friends. My best friend is female.

Your issue is not whether you can be just good friends with a member of the opposite sex, because plenty of us can prove you can be. Your issue is your fiancé lying to you about it - a pity he didn't tell you sooner and get you to meet up before suggesting it now.

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 03/03/2015 08:45

No I wouldn't if she was a male. But if he has had something good happen in his day I'd like to think if be the first person he told. I guess they confide alot about work as there's been lots if changes and crap going on but still I just wish I knew

OP posts:
Original poster
blondebaby111 · 03/03/2015 08:49

He suggested me meeting her last year when I thought he was having an affair, I shot that one day. Just thought it was a clever little ploy so she could meet our baby. He's told me if I walk away and he's on his own he still wouldn't want her and be attracted to her, it's just friendship and she's had a really awful time and he's been a friend and can't just abandon her

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 03/03/2015 08:50

I am friends with a number of men
Some are exs
I have sex with none of them but I can see how this can be worrisome for partners until they meet you and see that you are just friends with their OH

Worrying about this and trying to catch him out or give him ultimatums over their friendship will only make you more unhappy
Why not accept what he says at face value until you actually know different

DrSethHazlittMD · 03/03/2015 08:55

OP, so he has tried to get you to meet this friend before now when you were suspicious but YOU shot the idea down? I suspect this friendship is above board based on the fact that he is again suggesting you meet her. Clearly, the reason he has kept it from you is because of how you behaved and reacted before - not saying it's right, but it is quite possible if you had met up, you would not be in the place you are now. You chose not to meet her!

RonaldMcDonald · 03/03/2015 08:56

Also could it be that he was trying to prevent you from making a scene feeling bad about a perfectly innocent friendship and so he underplayed it?

If you were being rude about her and were very suspicious added to being pregnant or recently post natal maybe he thought it wouldn't matter who he spoke to on the phone at work as it was completely innocent.

Perhaps he was simply looking for an easy life at home

The thinking that he wanted you to meet her as a clever ploy sounds odd tbh

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 03/03/2015 08:59

He kept from me as he knew u wouldn't be happy about it, I got myself so upset last year about all this. I generally thought he was gonna leave me. Looking back I think I may have had a touch of pnd that made me insecure but now the issue is he's lied to me so easy what else has he lied about

OP posts:
flowery · 03/03/2015 09:01

Ah if you refused to meet her and thought it was a "clever little ploy" I have a bit more sympathy with him not being entirely honest with you tbh. He shouldn't have done that but if he tried to be more open by getting you to meet her and you refused..

DrSethHazlittMD · 03/03/2015 09:04

OP, sorry to say this, but sometimes us men want an easy life and avoid confrontation. If you gave him a hard time over this friendship, got yourself so upset about it, refused to meet her when he wanted you to at the time to try and calm your fears, I suspect this is precisely why he has lied. Again, not saying it's right, but I do think it is understandable.

I should say here that my ex continually used to harp on about one or two of my female friends and really didn't like me meeting up with them. Generally, we all met up together in groups, but occasionally I would meet them alone, just as I had done for years before I met my ex. I even had "I don't know why you don't leave me and go off with X, you get on so well and she's so attractive!" To keep having that sort of thing thrown at you when there is nothing going on really gets to you. In the end, my ex was pretty much expecting me to give up my female friends. I gave the ex up (should have done it long before). Oddly enough, I found out afterwards SHE was the one having an emotional affair with another chap! I was very tempted at times to meet up with my friends and not tell my ex I was doing so because I was fed up with the constant moaning and being made to feel that I wasn't trusted.

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 03/03/2015 09:05

I just needed another opinion on this, like I say we've been together years always had the same friends mostly couples so this is just all new to me. He in the past has always been the jealous insecure one, if this was me having a make friend in the last he totally wouldn't have understood it

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 03/03/2015 09:06

Sometimes we can misread signs and draw battle lines in the wrong places
Just because we think it doesn't mean it is true and all that
Sometimes we are right and it is.

I think you need to relax about this. He has asked you to meet with her twice even though you have been blanket negative regarding his friend.
I don't think many people are masterminds when it comes to infidelity

If he was going to leave he would have.

Christinayang1 · 03/03/2015 09:08

So does he meet her, where does he tell you he is? Does he discuss things with her that he should be talking to you about.

People can of course have friends with the opposite sex, it becomes an issue if there are lies involved or it detracts from the relationship

Moln · 03/03/2015 09:08

Do you trust him at all?

I imagine he lied because you had been so up against his friendship with this woman. So he lied for the easy life.

I think you need to accept men and women can be friends and rid yourself of paranoia, and he needs to understand the need for honesty, otherwise this issue isn't going to resolve itself.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/03/2015 09:11

he won't end the friendship, I've just got to accept it
This is the bit I don't like.
He doesn't care that this is making your unhappy.
It's more important that he stays 'friends' with this woman than make you feel happy and secure.
That's not a good thing at all.
I wouldn't be happy.

And... I have a good male friend. We meet for lunch with a few other people every now and then and that's it. And when I do that I tell my OH. It's not a secret.

Tizwailor · 03/03/2015 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.