Can you really be just good friends with the opposite sex??

[blondebaby111]

I don't really know where to start but here goes..... I've just found out I've been lied to for months and I'm in shock. My fiancé ( we've been together a long time) is really good friends with a work colleauge who started last year. I was very suspicious of this lady as I knew they got on but I went through a really bad patch last year where I convinced myself they were having an affair. He strongly denied this and said they just got on, that was it!!

She ended being posted somewhere else and I was led to believe that they hadn't been in contact, just at this point friend on Facebook. So I started feeling alot happier in myself, we'd not long had a baby when she started working with him and things were good, we had a good Xmas etc. I still asked a few questions about her but all I got was ' I'm not sure, I haven't spoken to her since last year'. I think deep down I knew this wasn't true, I just couldn't prove it.
Anyway, details I won't go into but I've found out they have been in contact the whole time, haven't met up but speak on the phone quite regular. I was absolutely furious. He swears to me she's just a friend, feels sorry for her ( she's been having a shit time) and doesn't fancy her in the slightest , they just get on. We chatted and I seemed ok with it just upset he had lied to me but after a pretty sleepless night this morning I'm so upset. I feel like he is having an affair, I can't handle the lies and I thought I was the only one he confided in, not someone else. I seriously don't know how I feel. I just feel numb, can we get through this??
He's told me he won't end the friendship, I've just got to accept it
He also wants us to meet, I don't know what to do??

All these Knights on White chargers riding around the country to help Damsels in Distress, eh ?

It's a public service they are providing innit

Having been through a bad experience at the turn of the year with my wife and a male colleague of hers, ive learned that gut instinct tells you so much. Previously i was easy going towards male-female friendships, thats not the case now, although thats probably because it too early to have regained confidence.
If you think somethings wrong, there probably is in my view.

Sorry to hear that, worried. I hope things work out for you. I agree: instinct isn't some mystery power; it's simply that, when you know someone very well, you pick up on loads of tiny clues from changes in their behaviour. No doubt they would all seem ridiculously trivial if you wrote them down, but you know this person and your mind's busy slotting the pieces together.

I'm a great believer in Instinct myself, but not when it comes to jealousy. I'm sorry OP, if you were my partner I'd want a divorce. I've had enough misery brought into my life from jealousy and the idea that my partner did not trust me is a deal breaker. I understand that as he has lied you can say that you have good reason to not trust him, so what the hell are you doing with him? Where is the partnership if you can't trust him.
Personally I think that he took the easy way out of lying considering your extreme reaction to his friendship with someone of the opposite sex.
In my youth I had more male friends than female friends, but unfortunately in this world, once my male friends got married I was seen as the enemy. I love the company of women too, but the company of men is very pleasant and not everything in this world is to do with sex.

He suggested me meeting her last year when I thought he was having an affair, I shot that one day. Just thought it was a clever little ploy so she could meet our baby.

eh??

Sorry - I sort of get why your husband hid his friendship from you.

For everyone jumping on my case and blaming me let be tell you a few facts, not once have I gone through his phone demanding to se txts or calls( although he constantly will check my phone, always has done! I don't like it but I have nothing to hide.) I just said it would be nice to know when they have spoke and I never tried to end the friendship.
In the beginning I knew they got on at work but when you start seeing changes in your fiancé, rumours start at their workplace they are seeing each other, he starts being distant from me, hiding his phone even tho I have never ever looked through his phone, phone always on silent, the list is endless. I thought he was having an affair. So YES! I am a bit insecure at the moment. We'd not long had a baby for gods sake when she came in the scene.

Forgive me for being slightly uneasy about this relationship and this woman. I'm sure many women in my shoes would be!

That ok, I know I came across as being abit controlling but only with her as something just doesn't ring true with her. I mentioned to him last night about meeting her , it may make me feel better about this and he's now said well we better jet the dust settle first I'm not sure you should meet. So now did I just call his bluff??

op I wouldn't like the fact he lied to me either and the posters saying he did it to avoid confrontation he actually did it to get her to STFU.

He speaks to her twice a week to help her with work and her problems? That's too invested in her emotional welfare. Has she no other friends she can lean on?

I have male friends. I work in a male dominated industry , I support people in work but I dont call them twice a week for emotional support.

op your dp knows this is upsetting you yet refuses to stop and that says more than anything. He is putting their emotional relationship before yours.

I would trust your instincts. If they were close enough at work for the rumour mill to start they were probally way too close. The checking your phone is him expecting you to have the same poor standards he has.

No way would I have gone to meet a woman I suspected my dp to be cheating with and no way would my dp have suggested it. He would have done everything in his power to make me feel secure and at ease when obviously I was feeling vulnerable.

Call his bluff

I don't understand how you can be in a relationship where you believe that your husband is telling you lies about an affair he is having and has been having for at least a year
He refuses to tell you the truth, lies to your face in many different and elaborate ways
He refuses to give her up. Confides in her
They form ploys and plot together to meet your baby and throw you off the scent

That's awful.

or

He made a new friend in work separately from you. This happened at a time when you were feeling vulnerable perhaps added to by the fact that you were pregnant.
You didn't like it and were frightened and jealous/possessive and started acting in a controlling manner.
You have now spent a lot of time trying to get info that will prove your theory. You have thought about it A LOT.
You hope that by acting out or issuing ultimatums he will behave in the way that you want and stop speaking to this woman. This would prove in your mind that he loved you most. You would have control of the situation again

That's also awful.

I do feel for you OP but you need to spend time with your H in couples counselling to get to the bottom of what is really going on.
If he simply has a friend and thinks you are being a nightmare you'll need help with that
If he has been having an affair you'll need help with that
ATB

I think your DP lied to you obviously because of your insecurity.

He got on well with a colleague, that was it. He had to hide the fact that they were friends because of your, quite frankly, ridiculous insecurities.

I think this is the problem you have to deal with.

Nobody outside of a relationship knows whether insecurities are ridiculous or not.

I'm sure many people with 'ridiculous' insecurities haven't found them quite so ridiculous when their spidey senses have been proved right

Only the OP and her DH can know for sure.

Look, blonde's husband goes through her texts & call history.

She does not go through his.

Her approach is "it makes him happy, and I have nothing to hide."

Yet posters are still saying it's reasonable for him to deliberately hide interactions from her.

To clarify still more, the compassionate response to an 'insecure', suspicious partner is "it makes them happy, and I have nothing to hide." Which is how OP responds to her husband's suspicion.

Not "fuck their ridiculous feelings, I owe them nothing, it's my right to lie and keep things secret from my wife." Which blonde's husband is doing to her. And posters are supporting him.

The double standards here are shocking.

In the beginning a few months after she started working there he changed towards me, I couldn't do anything right, his phone was always in his pocket not lying around like it normally was. Then it all went quiet, I did think it odd ... they have been speaking. It's his lies I can't handle.

Seriously? This is an irrationally possessive woman? Looks to me like someone whose partner's behaviour towards her makes her feel like second string.

Blondes, are you in a place where you could encompass the thought of ending your marriage? Whether it comes to that or not, you're on a back foot until you can say it and mean it.

Otherwise your best hope is counselling with a really strong facilitator (and that's pot luck, sadly.)

The only other viable approach is to stop caring at all, and hope the thing fizzles out in the end. In my extensive experience of couples doing this, it's almost impossible without undermining the whole relationship. The best thing about it is that it requires such strength & detachment, you can end up feeling able to let him have his single life full-time and barely notice he's gone.

I have lots of friends who are blokes, the difference is none of them are a secret from my DP. He knows about our friendship and although I don't announce to him every time I contact them, he's fully aware that I do. If I felt the need to hide it I would question why.

I think Ronald sums it up well above. I agree that whatever the correct scenario is, it isn't okay that it is causing you such distress. Have you talked about couples counselling with your husband?

I think a lot of people are answering the question in the title instead of looking at the facts of what your saying.

Had you posted stating that your spouse had a new female friend ,was lying about it ,was emotionally supporting her , was hiding his phone and acting different towards you , AND there had been a rumour that they were having an affair, the responses would have been very different.

In fact I'm sure many people would have recommended reading the Shirley glass book NOT JUST FREINDS. Instead your being told your insecure and should meet her. How ironic.

You know your partner best and none of us do. If your uncomfortable , and I'm not surprised you are , don't let accusations of being insecure prevent you from asserting normal boundrys. Many cheaters feel very secure in their primary relationship and a sense of arrogance emerges ie , I will continue seeing her and you'll have to put up with it.

In fact you don't have to put up with anything. In your shoes I would rethink this engagement , or better still I'd call it off. Agreeing to marry someone who's treating you like this is only going to result in him treating you with even further disrespect. I think you need to destabilize things a bit.

I also wouldn't have him nosing through your phone. Personally I'd put a lock on it. Not to be petty but because you have a imbalance in transparency. Your an open book while he hides his phone and conducts secret friendships. I suspect if you examined things a bit more closely it won't be the only in balance there is.

I also wouldn't have him nosing through your phone.
This

I suppose I feel that trust is key in a relationship and that works both ways.

Sorry for forgetting you're not married yet, blonde.

I agree, it wouldn't the best idea to go ahead while this crap's ongoing.

A friend is a friend, male or female

A partner is a partner, male or female

Family are family

There are colleagues & acquaintances male & female

I read, if you were in an emergency situation, you are very lucky if you have 5 good friends that you could contact for help (not including family)

I would say, that if you have a healthy relationship with your partner, you both have friends