Can you really be just good friends with the opposite sex??

[blondebaby111]

I don't really know where to start but here goes..... I've just found out I've been lied to for months and I'm in shock. My fiancé ( we've been together a long time) is really good friends with a work colleauge who started last year. I was very suspicious of this lady as I knew they got on but I went through a really bad patch last year where I convinced myself they were having an affair. He strongly denied this and said they just got on, that was it!!

She ended being posted somewhere else and I was led to believe that they hadn't been in contact, just at this point friend on Facebook. So I started feeling alot happier in myself, we'd not long had a baby when she started working with him and things were good, we had a good Xmas etc. I still asked a few questions about her but all I got was ' I'm not sure, I haven't spoken to her since last year'. I think deep down I knew this wasn't true, I just couldn't prove it.
Anyway, details I won't go into but I've found out they have been in contact the whole time, haven't met up but speak on the phone quite regular. I was absolutely furious. He swears to me she's just a friend, feels sorry for her ( she's been having a shit time) and doesn't fancy her in the slightest , they just get on. We chatted and I seemed ok with it just upset he had lied to me but after a pretty sleepless night this morning I'm so upset. I feel like he is having an affair, I can't handle the lies and I thought I was the only one he confided in, not someone else. I seriously don't know how I feel. I just feel numb, can we get through this??
He's told me he won't end the friendship, I've just got to accept it
He also wants us to meet, I don't know what to do??

I can see why he hid it if you reacted like that.

You need to work on your jealousy issues.

If he offered you the chance to meet her he won't have been shagging her. You should have taken this chance and you wouldn't be feeling like this now.

It's healthy in a relationship to have friends apart as well as couple friends. Personally I don't see the difference between them being the same sex or the opposite sex.

Jealousy is a horrible emotion and it will ruin your life if you let it.

He says they don't meet, haven't since they worked together last year but they talk on phone twice a week mainly about work and her problems. He had a heart of gold, would help anyone if they were in a pickle and he said she has had a really bad time and hasn't many friends down this way at all, just work colleagues

re ending the friendship:
depends on how someone would be behaving around the friendship

I have been given ultimatums re friendships I have with men. I have never ever given in to one of them as I believe that I am allowed to have friends and choose them myself and they are all different
I have had men act in very disordered ways when they haven't gotten their own way over something like this...trying to prove their theories

Can I ask, gently, have you been acting rationally around your partner?
Or have you been obsessing over this thing because you can't control it?

I was obsessing over it as for the first time ever I thought he was having an affair. It was a horrible time last year. I feel quite relaxed at the moment it's just the fact he's lied about it to me, that's what hurts but I guess having other opinions I know why he did, doesn't make it right tho

hellsbells I know where you are coming from, but do you really believe someone should dump a friend if their partner is insecure and there is nothing going on? If a man told a woman to dump a friend because they felt jealous, the overwhelming response would be that this was controlling behaviour and not on. I think we've all seen relationships where men have done this and gradually isolated a woman from her friends (of either sex).

blondebaby no, it doesn't make it right, it does make it understandable. Do you accept that your reaction/behaviour previously has made the situation what it is? That you need to work on your insecurity issues just as much as he needs to be open with you (which, it seems, originally, he was - you chose to close it down)?

yes. you can be friends with someone of the opposite sex, and yes , it can be just friendship. However it usually isn't.
equally, I think the op is being unreasonable about making him end a friendship that is important to him. If she is that insecure, then she needs to think about whether this is the right relationship for her, and perhaps needs to leave it before she ends up ruining things once kids are in the picture

Does it make you feel better seeing other opinions that might explain what is happening as innocent or in some way understandable?

I say this as someone who doesn't believe that instinct is always right which I know is sometimes an unpopular view on this board.

Have you spent a lot of time and thought worrying and trying to prove his 'affair'? I know that at times it can seem as though an idea just gets stuck in our minds and it is like we can't let go of it.

He said he lied to me to protect my feelings as he knew I wouldn't be happy

My standard answer to this is that this friendship was more important than your feelings and that I can't abide liars.

However...

He's tried to talk to you about this and tried to involve you in the friendship. I think you've got problems but I'm less judgey about him because he's done all he can with you.

I found out afterwards SHE was the one having an emotional affair

He has always been the jealous insecure one, if this was me having a male friend he totally wouldn't have understood it

It's really very usual for people who don't trust themselves to mistrust their partner. Call it projection if you like - they get the hump about your other-sex friends, because they know damn fine they wouldn't be that close to a friend unless they had underhand motives.

I'm not saying this is definitely the case for you and your fiancé, blonde. It could be one thing or the other. But I am suspicious of his defending this friendship when he would not have been relaxed about your being close friends with a man.

What you wrote about wishing he'd talk to you first about things that matter to him - you're absolutely right! Taking important conversations out of the relationship, to share them with someone else instead, is pretty much the definition of an emotional affair.

Btw, I am very relaxed about other-sex friendships. Over long & painful experience, I've found that my 'instincts' are a very good indicator of friendships that aren't straightforward. By this token I respect other people's instincts on the matter, unless they know they're sexually insecure.

I get why he lied - what have you got to be worried about - its only a friendship... why are you so paranoid about them being friends? of course different sexes can be friends.

If I was him I wouldn't end a friendship either because of what my OH wants - I am an adult and can make my own decisions about who I want to be friends with - I don't need my OHs approval for that TYVM.

if the foot was on the other foot on this board whereby a woman came on a said my OH has told me to end a friendship there would be hell to pay.

That's not necessarily true, peggy. But we'd be in a position to find out more about the friendship, which we can't in this case.

It's not about needing approval for a friendship, it's about not wanting to upset or hurt your partner. Having said that if they are unwilling to meet and adressed their insecurities and you've done all you can to reassure then i too wouldn't he prepared to give up a friendship because of an implacable partner.

Of course you can. My desk buddy and colleague in work is a guy and we get on like a house on fire. We have loads in common and like loads of the same things and have the exact same sense of humour. Doesn't matter in the slightest that he's male. I've no more interest in him than the girls on my team that sit near us. It's 100% totally friendship.

I think the issue is your trust in your fiance.

I can see where you are coming from - I've been there myself... My OH has 3 close female friends, 2 of them exes. The one who isn't an ex he sees maybe once/twice a week (usually for lunch when he is working) and they text regularly but it is in no wan intrusive.

One of his exes quite clearly still has feelings for him and regularly updates her facebook with things like 'Oh why do I let the good ones get away' whenever we put a joint checkin when we go out. I don't feel threatened by her in the slightest as although they are exes, he is open about her contact.

These two friends I have no issues with at all, even though I strongly suspect his ex still has feelings. I trust him completely.

Then there is the 'other' ex. OMG she drove me insane! She is totally another story. They were friends when we met and had been split for about a year. After we moved in together she expected him to be at her beck and call as he was when she was single - she would phone him late in the evening/early night with some crisis or another and expect him to drop everything for her. As a good friend he did... The phone calls and texts were incessant and intrusive - she would send text after text at 10-11pm and if he didn't reply she would phone. Often when we were in bed... One time she phoned incessantly whilst we were having sex and I answered and told her to eff off as we were in bed and being intimate and it would just have to wait until the morning.

After that she changed her tack... She added me on facebook, asked for my phone number and wanted to meet up regularly and 'be my friend too'. She said she didn't have many female friends and enjoyed my company. The problem was she would use these meetings to feed back things that he had allegedly said about me - which made things worse.

It all came to a head when one day she sent him two pictures. My OHs horse had died and I was looking through his phone for pictures as I had planned on getting a portrait commissioned for him in his memory. I knew he would have no issues with this as neither of us have phone locks and will often answer each other's phones or use the phone that it nearest for taking pictures. But I found two pictures she had sent him - one wearing a gimp mask and corset, the other full on with stockings and thigh high boots - I hit the roof! I told him it was over and sent her a message saying that I am appalled she sent pictures like that to someone else's partner. She couldn't see the problem - her reply was 'I just wanted to ask his opinion as to whether my new fella would like it... I don't have any female friends to ask.'. I pointed out to her that it was hugely inappropriate and her attitude was the reason she had no friends. She called me out to my OH and said I was jealous and immature. Up until this point my OH had been saying that she was just feeling low and going to him for support. At this point he told her she was out of order. I told him I was not going to ban him from seeing her but I would make him choose who he valued more. I said I was not comfortable with his relationship with her and he had to choose her feelings or mine.

He blocked her and deleted her from all social media and has had no contact since.

OP - I think however your situation is different. He has given you every opportunity to be included in the friendship and you have rejected it. If you had accepted the friendship they may have been able to put your mind at rest. I think your paranoia is what has made him lie - although I do feel he should consider your feelings more, I do not feel it is right to tell him who he can/cannot be friends with. If a man did this he would be called controlling and abusive and they would be lots of calls of LTB. Be careful how you tread as you have the ability to ruin your relationship right her, potentially for nothing.

Meet her! You may find that you get a new friend. You may find she is awful of course but at least then that wouldn't be your paranoia taking ;)

I never told him he couldn't be friends with her but last year he had also told me some lies to do with her and I had just about had enough. I told him there and then every call text etc I wanted to know about it.( In the beginning a few months after she started working there he changed towards me, I couldn't domanything right, his phone was always in his pocket not lying around like it normally was, during his working hours I sometimes could never get hold of him. ) Then it all went quiet, I did think it odd that there was no contact, I kept asking have you seen her, I think it's odd you don't speak anymore etc etc and then the bombshell yesterday they have been speaking. It's his lies I can't handle.
Last year I kept asking are you having an affair blah blah blah again I got told no, you've got it all wrong. The trouble is he's now told me so many lies I don't know what's true anymore.
He's pushing me to meet coz maybe he knows I'll say no, perhaps I should just meet her once and for all

I think that you have been living with this situation for a long time
it must have been very difficult for you

there comes a point where you either have to trust your partner or accept that there is a problem there and go to see relate or someone similar together to try to uncover what is actually going on

trying to catch him out whilst he insists that nothing is going on will drive you and him insane
trying to gain support for your view from the internet etc won't work or make you feel better...you will simply be swayed by other people's opinion and experience

atm you think that your husband is a long term liar and is having an affair
all this sleuthing and opinion gathering isn't helping you or your relationship

if I felt like this I'd be addressing it head on. Either he is telling you the truth and you have issues around control/trust or he is having an affair. Each way you have a problem

I've got several female friends, there's nothing sexual going on at all but due to the way my partner has reacted in the past when I've mentioned some of them or invited her to meet them I now barely mention them.

I just want an easy life and as bad as it makes me feel, it does help.

Over half my friends are male - never been a problem for me, them, my partners or theirs.

Your issues are:

Your partner lying to you.
Your partner feeling the need to lie to you because of your jealousy and insecurity.

I have a lot of male friends, probably 50% of my friends are male. I'm the type of girl who can sink a pint and play poker so I get on well with the boys.

I think the majority of them have an element of flirtiness with me, and most, at one time or another after a drink have tried to kiss me. I do think men quite often like being "friends" with women they find attractive.

I also have one or two male friends who I think are not AT ALL attracted to me, but we are just very close and get on well.

One of them is my ex from teenage years, and when we were single we would sit and hold hands watching a movie. No sexual feelings, just closeness.

Since he got married though...we don;t do that anymore and communication between us changed /lessened as a natural result of her being somewhat uncomfortable with our closeness - which while harmless was probably not appropriate for a married man.

So, he might well be not attracted to this woman at all, and no, I don't think it's healthy or normal to ban friends of the opposite sex but the relationship should naturally "change" if you are married or engage out of respect for your partner.

Have to agree with everyone else that the real scary problem here is that he lied to you.

I think the problem here might be you. You are trying to control him because you are insecure. I can see where he is coming from. I wouldn't tolerate being told I can't be friends with someone or that I had to show every text and mail I got to my partner. That is way more controlling than I would be prepared to put up with in a relationship. I would probably be much more clear about not accepting someone controlling me in that way than your partner, but I have no problem with confrontation and I see how someone who does could end up just avoiding telling you about contact.

Is there any way you could work on being more secure in your relationship? Something that doesn't involve controlling your partner's life. I think that might help.

Blonde, I think it's a shame that so many posters are piling in here to tell you all about their lovely opposite-sex friendships and say what great relationships they have.

In a thread with a different title, your post at 12:35 would instantly be seen as describing a possible affair: he was all about her; he got secretive with his phone; he changed towards you; he lied about something to do with her, then it all went suddenly quiet. And you know he is lying to you.

I fear something's badly wrong. Cheaters - particularly men, for some reason - often like getting their home partner & affair partner together. I really don't know why, unless it's some kind of weird ego trip or a side-by-side comparison effort. I'm as confident as hell when I have to be, but I've never handled this scenario well: you're on the back foot from the start. Other woman ends up thinking I'm really nice, if a bit nervy - and what have I gained from the encounter? Nothing, except maybe a stress rash! It certainly didn't give me any more faith in my marriage.

I don't know what to advise, though. The one thing I wish I'd done in the past is say "I don't like living like this, so it's over," without going through all the agonies.

Yes but as long as he put you in his top priority list. If you feel he is communicating with her far better than you then i would questioned if I were you. My ex used to talk couple girls far better than me. Made me feel jealous because I feel I don't get that type of communication from him. He told me feel, and told these girls too, that I am crazy to feel such a way.

I agree with others if its kept a secret and he won't end the contact I think that is a deal breaker

She's been having a shit time.

That old line. How heroic of him. Does he secretly counsel his male friends ?