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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New man only just told me the truth

80 replies

Middletown · 02/03/2015 14:21

Just joined although have been reading the advice boards for a while.
I met a guy just before Christmas, wasn't really looking for anything serious but we met on a night out.
I am late 30's, been single for 2 years having split from my children's dad who I was with for 20 years, this new guy told me he was 27, was a bit unsure of the age gap but really liked him so thought there's no harm in seeing what happens.
Been seeing each other since whenever possible, my kids spend equal amounts of time with myself and their dad so do get quite a bit of free time.
Still early days I know but he is everything I like in a guy, funny, smart, caring, if I could write down my ideal man he would be it, in looks as well as personality.
Yesterday we spent the day together, had a fantastic day but when we got back to mine he came over all serious and said there was something he had to tell me, crazy thoughts started going through my head so told him he should just tell me.
Turns out he's 23!!! Shocked doesn't even begin to describe how I felt.
He said he thought it would be just a bit of fun to begin with but had now fallen for me and I needed to know the truth.
I asked him to leave as I needed to think things over but in truth I knew straight away it couldn't continue, it now feels so wrong with him being so young.
He messages me this morning asking if I was ok and saying that he pretty much knows that he has screwed up but is hoping against hope I will give him another chance, messaged back just saying I need more time, can't quite come to tell him I can't do it, I feel like a total fool for believing that I had found my mr perfect.
Not even sure what I am asking here for but advice is so great on here that maybe a different perspective is needed.

OP posts:

DoJo · 02/03/2015 14:27

What is it that you are finding difficult - the age gap or the fact he lied about it? What feels 'wrong' about being with him? I can tell that it's a shock for you, but do you not think that it's something you could overcome given that you both obviously really like each other?

Purplehonesty · 02/03/2015 14:33

I don't think an age gap matters at all to be honest. What's more important is are you both at the same stage in your lives? So if he is a young 23 and wants to be out clubbing all the time, student or lives at home then that's probably not going to be at the same stage as you. Is he going to be ready for the role as step dad in the future if he is like that.
But if he is a mature hardworking 23 looking to settle down that's entirely different. It depends if you want a future for you or just some fun for now.

I can see why he didn't tell you the truth to start with but I would worry he may have lied about other things?

I would see how things go. If you get on so well then age is just a number. I hope it works out for you.

dragonfly007 · 02/03/2015 14:34

He is an adult, described as Mr perfect so go for it. I have a close friend who met her husband as a teenager, she was early thirties. 15 years and 2 children on they are still very happy together. What is there to think about?

CheersMedea · 02/03/2015 14:34

Hmm. That's a tricky one.

Honestly has me stumped. On the one hand he lied, but you can see why.
On the other, he has now been honest because he says he has fallen for you.

On the one hand, you were unsure because of the gap to start with when he was 27 and now it has become massive! On the other hand, presumably you didn't suspect he was 23 in terms of your interaction and his maturity.

I think on balance given what you say about how much you like him, I'd give it ago. It's pretty hard to find someone you really like at the best of times.

But if you are going to do that, you need to realise that it's doubtful that this will be a life partnership because of this gap. It's not impossible of course but doubtful.

If you are going to carry on with it, you need to put a marker down that this was a very serious lie and totally wrong. Sounds like you are doing that by saying you need time to think about it. But you do need to make a hell of a fuss about it because otherwise you are setting yourself up for him to walk all over you in future.

Cariad007 · 02/03/2015 14:35

Age is just a number. I'm 12 years older than my DP and we got together when he was 21. We're still together 5 years on and have a one year old DS. So you never know!

Original poster

Middletown · 02/03/2015 14:36

Both really, I do understand in a way why he didn't tell me to start with but I think more than anything is the fact my eldest daughter is 20 and her boyfriend is 24 and thats why it feels so wrong.
It just hurts that I found someone who I thought could be someone really special in my life but to me the age gap is just too big.

OP posts:

Original poster

Middletown · 02/03/2015 14:38

Sorry loads of replies whilst I was writing.
There is no way I would have said he was so young, he is in the forces which I think matures young guys a lot quicker.
To me he is just starting out in life whilst I have been there and done it.

OP posts:

Waitingonasunnyday · 02/03/2015 14:39

I'm late 30s and cannot imagine being with a 23 year old. The other day I was talking to a coach driver who turned out to be 24 and I felt so maternal while he told me about the price of his car insurance etc etc. I think it's too massive a gap especially as you've had a 20 year relationship, got children - there is such a mismatch of experience I don't think it would ever feel like an equal partnership. Sorry.

plantsitter · 02/03/2015 14:44

If you were a man and he a woman nobody would say much about it. He shouldn't've lied but I can see why he did.

You don't get to meet your perfect man every day. If it were a question of not getting on because you had different priorities and feelings about things then I'd say finish it. But it's only because you've found out a number.

ChipDip · 02/03/2015 14:59

When you put it into context with your dd then I can see how wrong this might feel.

momb · 02/03/2015 15:12

So how about this: you carry on seeing this nice man. You enjoy his company. If you turn out to want different things then you go your own ways.
How is that any different from a relationship with a man of 40?
Isn't this supposed to be the perfect age gap for the most fulfilling sex life? He in his physical prime, she knowledgeable and uninhibited? Or am I quoting something I read in a magazine in the doctors' waiting room?
You say you are in your late 30s? I had my first child when I was 31. So if you had made the same choices re children as me would you feel so weird about this relationship? Things happen for a reason. Just see how it goes.

Mandatorymongoose · 02/03/2015 15:16

If you carry on seeing him what's the worst that can happen?

It doesn't work out? Maybe because of the age gap, maybe because of one of a million other things, same as any other relationship.

I think if it's making you happy then actually this isn't a huge deal unless you choose to make it one.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/03/2015 15:20

If you're 35 then fine, if you're 39 and old enough to be his mother then no, that's a bit bleurgh.

I think the age gap narrows as you get older so 30 and 46 ok. But 23 and 39 is still very different.

momb · 02/03/2015 15:24

I think it's the age gap which is just right for you two: your lifestyles coincide well: you are available to go out and have fun as your older kids are out half the time anyway, and he isn't at the tied down to children point yet. Don't overanalyse. Just enjoy his company.

Original poster

Middletown · 02/03/2015 15:26

When I wrote my post I thought I knew pretty much what I was going to do but it's definitely one of those head/heart things.
I have spoken to 1 friend in RL who is telling me to just enjoy it.
momb might have been in a magazine but it's definitely very true
I think it's because he's so lovely in every way that I don't want to give him up.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 02/03/2015 15:29

Personally I wouldn't go out with a 23 year old, but....

you were happy with this man. You have a lot in common, he seems to tick all of the right boxes. If he'd never told you that he was 23 and not 27 you would have carried on seeing him.

His age hasn't changed the person he is. He's still the same person. and tbh four years isn't that big a deal in the scheme of things. If he'd said he was 27 and turned out to be 17 that would be different, but it's only four years difference between what he said and what he is. So what. You're happy, it's working, if it doesn't down the line then so be it, but don't end something good just because of a number which didn't matter to you the day before yesterday.

Rebecca2014 · 02/03/2015 15:30

Why is it okay for men to date much younger women yet when we do it, there is this intense guilt?

He is a grown man and if you want see him, do it. He actually only added 4 years to his age and I can see why he did it.

Go girl

Tobyjugg · 02/03/2015 15:32

It's about maturity and mental age not calendar years. If you like him and he likes you, go for it. I personally know one happy couple with a 12 year gap.

momb · 02/03/2015 15:32

momb might have been in a magazine but it's definitely very true

Then on that basis alone you must continue!!

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 02/03/2015 15:34

Go for it,am sure you gave up plenty of your life to raising Holstein etc,now it's time for you.Enjoy it.

CCL1967 · 02/03/2015 15:34

I think you're overthinking it. If he's a nice guy, treats you well, you fancy each other than so what? Unless you are looking for different things? My friend is 14 years older than her DP and they are really happy (been together 12 years).

MrNoseybonk · 02/03/2015 15:45

If he's your ideal man and you've fallen for him and him for you, what difference does it make if he's a little younger than you thought?

Original poster

Middletown · 02/03/2015 16:08

Quite glad I posted now as starting to think about things now rather than letting the shock think so much.
I will be 37 in a few months so that's 14 years.
Think I was worried about being a bit naive about theses things as my children's dad was my first love, we met at 14 and is the only relationship I have had till now.
Lots to think about I guess but not going to make any snap decisions.

OP posts:

Sickoffrozen · 02/03/2015 16:49

It wouldn't work for me. Up to you though. Your life. I wouldn't care what anyone thinks that's for sure.

Joysmum · 02/03/2015 17:11

Surely you date the person, not a number.

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