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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New man only just told me the truth

80 replies

Middletown · 02/03/2015 14:21

Just joined although have been reading the advice boards for a while.
I met a guy just before Christmas, wasn't really looking for anything serious but we met on a night out.
I am late 30's, been single for 2 years having split from my children's dad who I was with for 20 years, this new guy told me he was 27, was a bit unsure of the age gap but really liked him so thought there's no harm in seeing what happens.
Been seeing each other since whenever possible, my kids spend equal amounts of time with myself and their dad so do get quite a bit of free time.
Still early days I know but he is everything I like in a guy, funny, smart, caring, if I could write down my ideal man he would be it, in looks as well as personality.
Yesterday we spent the day together, had a fantastic day but when we got back to mine he came over all serious and said there was something he had to tell me, crazy thoughts started going through my head so told him he should just tell me.
Turns out he's 23!!! Shocked doesn't even begin to describe how I felt.
He said he thought it would be just a bit of fun to begin with but had now fallen for me and I needed to know the truth.
I asked him to leave as I needed to think things over but in truth I knew straight away it couldn't continue, it now feels so wrong with him being so young.
He messages me this morning asking if I was ok and saying that he pretty much knows that he has screwed up but is hoping against hope I will give him another chance, messaged back just saying I need more time, can't quite come to tell him I can't do it, I feel like a total fool for believing that I had found my mr perfect.
Not even sure what I am asking here for but advice is so great on here that maybe a different perspective is needed.

OP posts:

pleasingshape · 02/03/2015 20:19

I was actually thinking that, as I wrote it, George. Not entirely jokingly, though, I did feel when I dated a younger man that he didn't really get my references.

AF - I am sure your husband is wonderful. Making jokes about younger men doesn't imply anything about older men in and of itself, and I think we are all mature enough to joke a bit sometimes without accusing people of sexism or ageism or whatever when it was pretty obvious that my post wasn't seriously meant.

MysteryMan1 · 02/03/2015 20:20

I would forget it to be honest. Even if he was "very" mature I personally do not think it would work long term. Think you are setting yourself up for disappointment thinking anything else.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 20:30

it just leaves a bit of a nasty taste, ps

if we object to men making "jokes" about the sexual objectification of young women, then we shouldn't do it about young men

I know it happens a lot, I just don't think it makes it ok. I am fully prepared to get laughed off the page though (it wouldn't be the first time)

RebelRobin · 02/03/2015 21:19

Have you got lots to talk about? If so, thats what counts surely?? Look at Sam Taylor Johnson and her much younger man. They look very happy together

RequestUpgrade · 02/03/2015 21:26

Don't do it OP, sooner or later it it will make you feel old or him feel trapped. I had an 18y age gap with a boyfriend. We both missed out on stuff because we couldn't build a network of friends with stuff in common.

pictish · 02/03/2015 21:28

Honestly? I don't think it would be for me. I'm 39 and I know I would feel dubious about having a partner of 23. Very dubious. I probably wouldn't want to continue with the relationship.
That's an objective view point though...I'm not in it, and I don't share your feelings of love for him. Who's to say I wouldn't renege on that, given the same circumstances myself?
But I just can't imagine that - I can only envision it being the end really. If it were me.

BrassicaBabe · 02/03/2015 21:30

There was 14 years difference between ex-h and me. The only time I really noticed the difference was when the conversation turned to music.

He's exH because he was a bastard not because of the 14 years!

pictish · 02/03/2015 21:33

Oh and yes...the lie.
I know some (most?) view it as kind of cute and forgiveable, and I can see why, but again I'd be dubious. That's a fairly significant lie.

LadyFairfaxSake · 02/03/2015 21:33

You were happy when you thought he was 27, if you think he is mature enough, give yourself a chance of making it work. Don't get hung up on the numbers.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 02/03/2015 21:38

My DM has spent the last 20 years with someone 16 years younger, and only 8 yrs older than me. He is somehow 'older' than he is and has been a very positive part of my life. At one point the BF I had was older than him. It could be a little odd, but in fact I rarely notice it. It works for them. He never wanted children.

JenniferGovernment · 02/03/2015 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Middletown · 02/03/2015 22:47

Been at work so just able to reply, choked on my coffee at some of the replies but needed the laugh.
The lie does worry me, as I said, I do understand why but not entirely comfortable with it.
We talk so much, we have the same sense of humour and from the very beginning I felt at ease with him, I am a shy person but with him I just feel like I can be myself.
But I do know we are at different stages of our lives, I have my kids and don't want anymore, due to medical reasons it's not possible even, I qualified for my job 3 years ago as I was a sahm whilst my children were young and i feel like I am finally where I want to be.
Much as I would love to be with him I think I am going to have to end things before I do fall in love with him, even considering having him as a fwb as that seems to be the done thing atm, all I know is I don't see a future in it as much as I want there to be.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 23:11

that sounds eminently sensible to me

head over heart, eh ?

good for you

springydaffs · 03/03/2015 00:01

Woh hold up. If he's in love with you it's a bit mean to keep him on the back burner for a now and then shag.

blueberrypie0112 · 03/03/2015 05:10

My ex lied to me about his age I was 17 going on 18 and he was 7 years older than me. He told me he was 20. The relationship never worked out because he was always lying plus many other things.

Undecided90 · 03/03/2015 05:23

If he makes you happy I would go for it. I understand what you mean that he is only 3 or 4 years older than your daughter but before you knew, he was only 7 years older.

Timetoask · 03/03/2015 05:49

If you just want a short term boyfriend for fun then go for it, long term it won't work.
I am sorry to be blunt but we women start aging more or less from our mid to late 40s, at that point he will be gone.

aprilanne · 03/03/2015 05:58

all i can say is this .my son is 24 .his partner is 38 .a bit strange at first .but he has always liked older women .his first girlfriend when he was 14 .she was 18 .now that i found really bizzare .just go with how you feel good luck

MysteryMan1 · 03/03/2015 06:37

Timetoask - Nail on head. He will be gone in a few years I reckon. Hate to say it but been there, done that. Naive to think he is "in love". Well he might be until he realises what's in the other side. Sorry to be quite so blunt.

DrSethHazlittMD · 03/03/2015 08:30

OP, just because some people have fwb doesn't make it the "done thing", nor that you must follow suit. I tend to agree with springydaffs that it would be rather unfair to have a fwb with this guy if, as he says he is, is falling for you. That way madness lies. But then he lied to you, so....

I do think there is a big difference between going into something when you KNOW there is an age gap and when you've been lied to. As other PPs have said, he lied to get you into bed - nothing more, nothing less. It may have developed, he may be stringing you along. He's in the Forces, so presumably he'll be off soon to parts unknown anyway - would you want a part-time relationship with someone who tells lies to sleep with women? I bet you'd be wondering what he was doing while away for weeks or months on end.

On the age gap itself, I've been there and done it and wouldn't do it again. I was 26 when I met my ex-partner who was 37. I was always regarded as mature for my years. First four years fine and we moved in together after 18 months. However, last five years were not good and should have finished long before it did. And, sorry to say, the gap was the cause in terms of what we wanted to do - my still be relatively active, she staying at home and gardening because "she'd done all that".

springydaffs · 03/03/2015 10:17

Well i'm the 'wrong', or other, side of 40 and I doubt I'll ever prefer to stay at home gardening. If you don't mind.

TheFecklessFairy · 03/03/2015 17:05

I was 38 and my DH was 25 when out son was born. Go for it OP. Have fun, see where it goes.

ShonaOCasey · 03/03/2015 17:31

Go for it he sounds great! don't worry about the age gap...

CatthiefKeith · 03/03/2015 18:41

Dh was 24 and I was 36 when we got together. We have been married for 5 years and dd is coming up to four.

I say go for it.

winewolfhowls · 03/03/2015 18:53

My neighbour just sadly lost her dh who was 20yrs older. They were the happiest couple i ever met

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