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Original poster

Having a "private life" in a marriage

57 replies

brightnearly · 02/03/2015 14:13

Hello everyone,

I've just inadvertently found out that DH is being friends with exes and female co-workers - and has never told me anything about these friendships. There is nothing to suggest that anything sexual went on, but I'm still a bit thrown that he has never said a word! I presumed that he had to stay late at work, when in fact he had drinks and a chat with a friend.

I don't like that! I feel it erodes trust. Am I overreacting? Too insecure? Not sure if I can say anything, as this info was not at all meant for me to be seen.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 02/03/2015 14:19

I would find it really weird that it was never mentioned at all. I haven't met all of the MRs pals but he'll still say he's off fishing with such and such and fishing leaves me cold so they can get on with it.

If he had a part of his life that was never mentioned even in passing would strike me as odd.

Original poster
brightnearly · 02/03/2015 14:23

Thank you for the reply.
That's what I think - the fact that it was never mentioned! What reasons could he have for that?

OP posts:
middlethird · 02/03/2015 14:24

I wouldn't like it.

I read somewhere recently, something like - any relationship that you keep a secret means you shouldn't be having that relationship.

Resonated with me.

BuzzardBird · 02/03/2015 14:25

If there is nothing to hide then you would have been told.

Goneintohibernation · 02/03/2015 14:26

You are not overreacting. I would have no issue at all with DH having a drink with a female friend. I would be bloody livid if I found out he'd been doing it behind my back though. It suggests he has something to hide.

FenellaFellorick · 02/03/2015 14:27

having friends - fine. hiding friends - weird.

It just isn't normal to never ever mention friends to a partner. To not mention if you've gone for a drink or something.

Is he saying he should be entitled to a private life? And socialising with these people is his private life?

How many men does he socialise with and never tell you about as part of his private life?

FenellaFellorick · 02/03/2015 14:28

oh, sorry, he doesn't even know you know?

It's weird.

What would he do if you said to him "did you enjoy your night out with debbie on friday" or something. Would he lie do you think?

I think this is something you should talk about. Find out why he feels the need to lie/hide who his friends are.

Original poster
brightnearly · 02/03/2015 14:32

This secrecy also applies to other parts of his life - talking about his past is a bit of a no-go area (as it's in the past and therefore doesn't matter), so asking about past holidays with previous girlfriends will not go down well.

I'm also not sure if that is something that one should not ask about in general, or not?!

OP posts:
Original poster
brightnearly · 02/03/2015 14:33

He left his phone at home and I saw his emails.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 02/03/2015 14:37

I'm a bit in two minds about this - on the one hand, I'd have felt a little hectored if I had been quizzed about what I was doing but on the other hand, I would be likely to say, in passing, 'I stayed on to have a couple of drinks with people' or something like that.

Is there some reason/history why he might be reluctant to be open with you?

Original poster
brightnearly · 02/03/2015 14:43

I have no idea whether there is a reason. Something that happened a while ago, that made me wonder, was also that he had bequeathed me his old phone - not realising that his SIM was still in and his texts etc still visible. As soon as I'd switched on the phone and said 'Oh, I think your texts are still on it' he snatched it from my hands frantically, to set about deleting.
Why? Because what was on it 'didn't matter anymore' and 'might upset me'.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 02/03/2015 14:45

Too right it might upset you.

lurkingaround · 02/03/2015 14:49

I'm with the others. Quite weird. Very strange. Do his work colleagues know about you I wonder. I'm sorry to say but I would be immediately suspicious.

What do you feel in your gut?

Original poster
brightnearly · 02/03/2015 14:54

Yes, they do - the work colleagues definitely know. It could just be friendliness - as I said, there was nothing to suggest that anything sexual has been going on - but why not say?
I'm neither particularly jealous and definitively not very possessive.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 02/03/2015 14:57

Nothing wrong with having friends.

Nothing necessarily wrong about not mentioning every single time you see a mate (could just be inadvertent omission).

Quite a lot wrong with concealing important friendships (the concealment being what's wrong).

Alarm bells for me at deleting like that. It suggests serious concealment.

Original poster
brightnearly · 02/03/2015 14:58

Thank you again for the responses! I'm not sure if this counts as a gut feeling, but I feel sad that he seems to live in a fragmented way. One part of his personality reserved for friends, one for family, etc - it makes me feel sad to think he only lets me see a part of who he really is. I'm also not sure if leading one's life like that - fragmented, not integrated - is entirely healthy.
Are there any views on such 'compartmentalisation'?

OP posts:
NumTumDeDum · 02/03/2015 15:00

Hmn. I wouldn't have a issue with remaining friends with an ex, but I would have an issue with the secrecy. If it's not an issue, why the secrecy? If he says because it might upset you, then why do it at all? My husband remains on good terms with two exes (they even came to our wedding) but it was raised early and openly. It may well be nothing to worry about but the secrecy is a concern.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2015 15:03

Leaving aside the specifics for a second, a good relationship depends a lot on trust. But it's a two way street. For there to be trust there also has to be a degree of honesty and openness. Without those, trust can too easily be abused. Privacy in a marriage has to be against that background and privacy is NOT the same as secrecy . Wanting to keep quiet about old flames is pretty standard, I would have thought. Hiding friends is secrecy, deception and not acceptable in the slightest.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/03/2015 15:05

I think his past life is absolutely private and none of your business IF there's nothing that impacts you in present day. That's how I would feel about it.

I meet up with lots business acquaintances after hours and the odd friend here and there too. I might mention that I'm out till about x-o'clock and write it on the calendar but wouldn't necessarily mention whom I'm meeting. I suppose the difference is, I would if asked. There's nothing secret there.

Are you overly inquisitive? Do you feel threatened by these friends because they're women? Would you ask so many questions if they were men - or want to know about them more? If so, that's not really fair, I think.

I think you have to use your own gut instinct sometimes... what other people would do relates to their own circumstances. My husband has the memory of a goldfish so even if I tell him stuff it won't necessarily be remembered and he'll say, "You didn't tell me that!", when I did.

If you feel he's keeping secrets from you then that is something entirely different and it's something that you'll have to tell him makes you feel bad. I'm not somebody who believes that once you marry/cohabit, you have to tell your partner every little thing... you know the things that you ought to tell them though - or not do - and perhaps it comes down to that?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/03/2015 15:07

'compartmentalisation' = affair possibility or something else that you really ought to know about and he knows that - and wants to keep it from you.

In my book, anyway, didn't see that last post of yours OP.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/03/2015 15:08

Hiding relationships is strange. What is he trying to 'protect' you from? Or is he trying to protect himself?

DP and I both have opposite sex friends, including exes and, sometimes go out alone with them. But we both know about this and have got to know the other person's friends, even if not as well. It's the openness that makes it feel fine.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/03/2015 15:18

Sounds as though he got into a habit of secrecy and compartmentalisation early, with his family. It is a hard habit to break.

But, a partner should be the one person you'd want to share all aspects of yourself with and feel really comfortable with. That's not the same as telling them every detail if everything but of letting all your different personas meet them, if you like. Otherwise, if as a partner you're just another compartment, you're only married to part of him really.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/03/2015 15:20

Just to add that the silly thing about this being a deeply ingrained habit is that there may not be much or anything to hide but he'll hide it anyway.

KatieMorag · 02/03/2015 15:21

I agree it's the secrecy that's strange . If I met friends after work I woudl tell DH. He's probably asks something vague like " how are Gillian and Dave ? " and I'd report with some general info " she's got a new job and they are just back from holiday " . Or might just ask if I had a good time .

I think most people woudl tell their partner if they were meeting up with an ex, just to check they were ok /reassure them.

Why would your DH pretend that he is working late if it's totally innocent ?

You mentioned that you had seen the emails . Does he normally keep in touch with friends by email rather than text ?

And how many emails is he sending? How often does he see these women ?

Are you talking about catching up with an old friend or ex once a year? Or meeting women every week ?

Does he socialise with male ex and currect colleagues?

pocketsaviour · 02/03/2015 15:24

I could overlook the not mentioning he'd been for a drink with colleagues, if not for the whole "oh god that phone has my sim in and you can read my texts panic panic red alert DELETE DELETE DELETE"

That's assuming that the phone was a recent one and not some old clunker he had lying about since before you got together?