Having a "private life" in a marriage

[brightnearly]

Hello everyone,

I've just inadvertently found out that DH is being friends with exes and female co-workers - and has never told me anything about these friendships. There is nothing to suggest that anything sexual went on, but I'm still a bit thrown that he has never said a word! I presumed that he had to stay late at work, when in fact he had drinks and a chat with a friend.

I don't like that! I feel it erodes trust. Am I overreacting? Too insecure? Not sure if I can say anything, as this info was not at all meant for me to be seen.

Most of us have an idea of how we would like to live our lives, how we would like our relationships to be. It sounds like he isn't really delivering on what you would like your relationship to be, either because it's not compatible with how he wants to live, or maybe because he doesn't really know what you want. Either way, you need to talk this through with him, fully and honestly.

How did you ever get as far as being married if he never told you he loves you?

The secrecy is a huge problem for me, in part because these times you think he is 'working late' and he is actually in a bar having a drink and flirting - or more - with an ex or a woman from work, you are presumably at home looking after his children?

What are you going to do about it?

I don't get why you need to know every colleage who he is friendly with - my OH certainly doesn't know mine. I do think it is strange however that he goes out after work and let's you believe he is working late - that's odd...

I don't get why you need to know every colleage who he is friendly with - I don't think the OP has ever said she does want this.

My DH works away from home frequently. This often involves evening meals / coffee's with colleagues.
He doesn't specifically say, "tonight I was out with x or y". But he never omits things, he'll refer to dinner with so and so (male or female) was nice. Or just generally keep me in the loop. Nothing is "hidden" he might miss mentioning a specific occasion but I am confident he'd not avoid mentioning specific people, not for his privacy (after all he shares very personal things with his best friend and that probably includes our marriage) privacy isn't really about WHO you know. It's about WHAT you talk about and the friendship not being gatecrashed.
The OP doesn't seem to be challenging his privacy, he seems to be a habitually secretive person. Which doesn't look like a partnership.

I have no idea if he is cheating or not, but in any case it sounds like he has one foot firmly planted in single life and he isn't willing to give it up for your relationship.

Apart from the fact that he is hiding who is is going out with- what are you doing whilst he is out? - and not, as you assume working. Does he call and say he won't be home to help put dc to bed etc or text you?

Does he do this very often?