Fuck buddy?

[Shoegal0305]

So I have known this guy for 18 years. Worked together tho he now does the same job but in a different area. He has been in 2 serious relationships, one resulting in a child, I have the same. I fancied him from the minute I saw him, looks wise he is perfect and sense of humour wise we are extremely well matched...... All in all if I could 'design' the perfect man, it would be him!!

So we've been intimate a fair few times, all of which whilst we were both single I hasten to add! I have quite a few confidence issues, I'm a single mum, plump, feeling a bit sorry for myself lol! I reckon for the past year we've texted each other regularly, ive even found the confidence to meet him for coffee a few times (I feel he is way out my league so don't feel confident sexually with him......... Tho wit wise we are completely matched and if I ever see him in a work environment it is easier as no pressure re intimacy).

So he texts sometimes daily, telling me how beautiful I am, it usually gets sexual tho! So last night we were on a mutual friends night out, we planned to go together it was a fab night resetting in him coming back to mine for the inevitable!! Which was lovely and would've been better if not for my insecurities..... I won't let him see me naked and I prefer lights OFF!! Lol

All last night he kept telling me how beautiful I was. How gorgeous he finds me. I struggle with this's as I don't think I am and as I've said feel he is so gorgeous he could get any woman!!!

We tell each other we 'love' each other, usually at the ends of texts in a jovial 'love ya'type way. I really am happy single and feel it would take someone special to sweep me off my feet to give that up. But where he's concerned I feel I would love to get over all the bullshit and see him properly! It's really complicated as he is living with his folks at the min due to ex and son obviously living in the house they shared and he can't afford anywhere as he spends a fortune travelling to and from work.

Sorry for going on but my dilemma is do I sit him down and tell him how I feel? And what do I say? We are both alike so hence neither of us have confronted this!!!! He seems to give the impression he wants a relationship but it made it clear, but then neither have I! It's not like he comes round regular for sex and thenfucks off as he doesn't. I've not heard much from him today which I honestly normally wouldn't read into but last night was so bloody intense!!!! I want more of him!

Advice greatly appreciated.......

Anyone???

It sounds like you want a relationship, not a FB

I would invite him out for a drink and put your cards on the table if you are sure he is single. You sound quite suited.

He actually sounds quite into you too. I would approach it in a matter of fact way. Tell him you are not a teenager but an adult woman with a child to care for, who would like a relationship and don't have the time of inclination for head games ! As my dh has always said, a pretty face and long legs are attractive but the sexiest thing a woman can have is confidence. He will probably be relieved !

Thankyou both for replying. We ARE suited. It's just unbelievably complicated. Me as ive her really hurt before and majorly dicked about, I am overweight so that knocks my confidence, and struggling as a single mum obviously knocks you. Plus I've been single for years I've kinda gotten into a bit of a rut and I'm scared if I start a relationship (with whomever not just this guy!) then, well, it scares me shitless!!!! Him...... This 'not detaching' from the ex bothers me. They aren't together but they live so close (almost next door) and he is always there for his son which I totally get and admire but the ex is known for using their son as leverage! She gives him quite a hard time over various things and he still lets her influence him! He said the other night he was almost jealous of me and my ex as we have 'closure' ie we are civil regarding our child but we don't have anything to do with each other unless it about our son.

I think I need to arrange to meet him and like you say explain that I do actually want him in my life as more than just meeting up every once in a while for sex! I'm so nervous tho what the hell is wrong with me!!!!!

It doesn't sound complicated to me to be honest!

Bitoutofpractice (love the name! Describes me perfect!!)...... It's complicated as I have loads of hang ups and I'm not sure if he's willing to ever stand up to the ex! I totally get that he's there for his son, who's roughly the same age as mine, but he runs round after the ex too, and I'm not sure I want to be 'second best' if that makes sense? Not re the child just the ex. When he has his son (ex works shifts) he stays at her house and sleeps in her bed!!!!!! I told him I think that's strange! He runs her to and from work if for whatever reason her car not there, up until a few years ago they used to holiday together!

I'm completely separate from my ex so I find this weird? He is genuinely a nice guy but with my history of being hurt im paranoid at the best of times....... X

Plus I don't actually know if he wants to actually make a go of things withme or does he just see me as a bit of fun now and again????

hmm, actually now you tell us more about how involved he still is with his ex I am seeing alarm bells too

your that radar seems to be in full working order

I would run a mile from a claustrophobic sent up like that

having dc and some "baggage" from previous relationships is to be expected but not to that extent

I would keep your distance and if you think occasionally snagging him is making you want MORE, I would stop that too

sorry

twat radar

Oooh no, the ex thing will melt your head within a matter of weeks if you started a relationship. And these guys rarely change anything with the ex for fear of retaliation, so you'd just have to lump it.

This is my dilemma AnyFucker it's so hard as Ive said I've known him 18 years! Do I ask him what he wants and give him my side of things, ie that I don't want to second fiddle and give him a chance? I think I would hate to think ive not at least tried? I'm not stupid and I WONT put up with shit, my bullshit radar is strong!!!! Lol. But we've never given it a go so I don't know if he WOULD be willing to cut ties? Or if this is even what he wants???? X

How long has he been "split" from his ex and has he had any proper relationships since ? If he has, why did they end ?

I would judge him on his behaviour, not on what he says, tbh

Im not sure exactly how long? A year or so defo......... He hasn't had any other relationships. He had one when him and ex split up when their child was very young and the ex made that much trouble, they split, but (more complications....) the woman he was with (I know her) is a complete spoilt brat and couldn't accept the time he spent with his son so that probably wouldn't have lasted?!

His 'behaviour' is that he texts constantly, jokingly refers to me as 'wifey' and I call him 'Hubz' as we keep saying how in the future we will get married........ All very 'jokey' but then we meet up and he tells me how beautiful I am etc etc etc I could go on ffs my head is so fucked up right now!!!

Feeling some caution here too, OP.
How about suggesting that he join you for a weekend away somewhere? You can see how he feels being away from the ex, and he will have the chance to open up a bit about relationships, if he wants to. If nothing happens then, apart from the obvious, you may have to decide to break it off before you get too hurt.

welllllllll

it's your choice, kid (helpful)

Sally I rarely get weekends to myself when my son goes to his dad's I have to work so a weekend away is difficult to say the least? AnyFucker lol I know I'm 'on my own' with this one that's why it's so hard haha! I'm thinking, arrange a meet up, coffee or even a glass of wine one night? And just saying right I adore you (I do ) and I really want to make a go of this? See what his reaction is? If it's favourable, then I need to say how he needs to try and have this closure with the ex? Honestly I'm 43 it's not as tho men are banging on my door!!! And for the past two decades, nobody has ever matched him re what I look for in a man (apart from the ex saga!)......,,,, even my ex, whom I have a son with and whom i idolised!

How well do you know him? (Not how long have you known him). Are he and the ex really split up? He's not still living with her, but pretending he's moved in with his parents? The giving her the odd lift if her cars not up to it I can understand, but staying over at her house and sleeping in her bed?! I think your right to have reservations about this man's potential to hurt you.

Wicked I know him well but I am never gonna know what goes on behind closed doors I guess? He does live with his folks I defo know that. But he obviously staying part time at the exes? I need to ask HIM all this don't i???? He has recently asked her to consider selling their house so he can buy his own as he's on their mortgage. She can't afford to buy him out. Think that caused a major row. I understand both sides mind as im s single mum too!

Yup I think you should ask him. The mortgage thing kind of makes sense, but in a way him staying over (in her bed, maybe fooling around with each other) could be making things harder, as maybe she will see selling the house/splitting the profit to rent as cutting ties and too final, as things would definitely be over between them with no going back. If she is using their son as a weapon, to me that says she's probably not fully over him too. (Either that or she's just really bitter). Ex issues aside he sounds nice, so hope it works out for the best.

He is lovely. The ex is a bitter person she's quite a lot older than him, they were on/off all the time when I first knew him. Very tempestuous relationship. Then the son came along, she had already a daughter who is now about 24. When he got with this other woman after they'd split she was dreadful....... Making threats he'd never see his son etc. anyway I could go on........ I really need to talk to him it's driving me mad now! I just wanted my lovely mumsnet buddies advice as to how to approach this? Plan is to arrange to meet up and just say that I don't want to be someone who he texts daily, sometimes hooks up with, etc, I want a proper 'thing'. If he doesn't then I need to stop all contact. That's gonna be the hard thing as he does (and I say this thru gritted teeth) my ego the world of good as I've always, rightly or wrongly, put him on this pedestal! Xx

You are in an embryonic relationship. Forget the FB stuff, just see how it goes.

When he got with this other woman after they'd split she was dreadful....... Making threats he'd never see his son etc. anyway I could go on."

Have you heard that directly from her, OP, or is this his version of events?

My take on this is that he may well still be having some version of a relationship with her, hence staying over, and hence not wanting to get serious with anyone else at the moment.

You said you've known him for 18 years, but how long ago did you two start having sex? How did it happen? Had he asked you out on a date etc? Just trying to get an idea of where his thoughts may be on this.

No he's never asked me out on a 'date'. We do meet for coffee a bit and he does ask quite a bit I'm the one that says no as I'm scared where it will all lead? I know the woman he was with she was also a work colleague so his recollection and hers re the ex tally. Plus everyone at work sometimes saw it themselves when these two women met. She WAS difficult. People at work don't know what is going on between us but in reference to him they all agree he will never find anyone else until the ex is out of the equation!

We started sending flirty texts YEARS ago and then he kissed me once at work. Then a few nights out etc and it's gone on from there. I'd say the texting has got serious within the last year or so. I get 'morning wifey' texts and 'what are you up to' texts and 'night beautiful' texts.