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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was my dh being unreasonable or is it me?

61 replies

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 19:39

Ok today my dh was going off with some mates to do something fun. I was staying home to look after the dc. I didn't mind was happy for him. I had even sent him a text telling him to enjoy himself. I had mentioned yesterday that I may take them somewhere whilst he was out. I had asked him what time he would be back he joked and said all day, then said probably lunch time. I got the dc ready, one was being difficult, and we left the house later than I had planned. At about 11.45. On the way to our destination ( approx 20 min walk from house) I texted DH to let him know where we were going and asked him if he'd like to meet us there and we could them go home together. We were only going to be a short while. About 10 mins later I got a very snotty phone call from DH who had arrived home, without his keys to find us not at home. He was furious. Placed the blame completely on my shoulders. I should have told him I had intended on going out. I should have told him to take his keys. It was all about what "I" should have done/said etc...I told him I wasn't responsible for him and his keys. I always take my keys. He refused to see that he was being unreasonable having a go at me. I understand it's frustrating to get locked out. There are lots of cafés around where we live. We weren't far from home and he could have just followed on. Instead he was just really mean to me. I continued to destination with the children and saw one thing and after about 20 mins left again. Am I just being precious?

OP posts:

honeyroar · 01/03/2015 19:42

No! Tell him to shut up and grow up. He forgot his keys, he was unlucky you'd gone out. What does he expect, you and the kids to sit around just in case he happens to have forgotten his belongings?? He was probably tired and emotional. He owes you an apology.

WhyHasTheGinGone · 01/03/2015 19:43

He is. Who on earth leaves the house without their keys?!

CinnabarRed · 01/03/2015 19:43

It's him, not you.

Angiefernackerpan · 01/03/2015 19:43

HIBU. It's hardly your fault he forgot his keys. Is he not a grown-up? Presumably he functions as an adult usually.

Holdthepage · 01/03/2015 19:46

He is being ridiculous & owes you an apology.

MrsTedCrilly · 01/03/2015 19:47

YANBU! He forgot his keys- his fault. You are not tied to the house!

Humansatnav · 01/03/2015 19:50

Is he usually an unreasonable man-child?

Snowberry86 · 01/03/2015 19:52

Erm.... Surely he is an adult and responsible for making sure he has his own keys?

Tell him to grow up.

Fugghetaboutit · 01/03/2015 19:54

Couldn't he have met you where you were and picked them up ffs idiot

PowderMum · 01/03/2015 19:57

He is BU, you were only a 10 minute walk away, if he didn't tell you he'd left his keys behind, how were you supposed to know to wait in?

My DH will sometimes go out for a run and not bother with a key, he always tells me to check i'll be in when he gets back (and how long he'll be)

Joysmum · 01/03/2015 19:57

Expecting the little woman to be waiting at home for him is clearly ridiculous. Surprised you need ask tbh

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 19:57

Thank you For telling me what I really knew already. He told me I was the aggressive one, when I was just trying to say the things all of you have said. He has a bit if form for this sort of thing. Another recent example is when his family member was going through a hard time. We were in their house with other family members. It was night and everyone was having a few drinks. DH had driven but he could have had a few drinks and we would have been able to take a taxi home. It's something we would do. I'm ok with DH having a few drinks he knows this and to be honest would suit himself. So this night the family member needed a lot a lot of support. We didn't want to spend the whole night there but it was sort of an obligation. I saw him with a bottle of beer in his hand and assumed he had decided to have a few drinks and take a taxi. We had spoken about the need for us to stay on in the house. A little later DH spoke quietly and nastily into my ear that I should have told him to have a few drinks and I should have told him that we were going to stay in longer than we had planned and I should have told him we should take a taxi. He has always been more than capable in the past about making these decisions and I felt I was already doing enough talking to and comforting his family member. I don't kin she never acknowledges when he's in the wrong and he always blames me and I if lose my temper and then that cements the blame in his mind. I'm trying to make sense of it.

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 01/03/2015 19:58

hIbu, obviously.

talbotinthesky · 01/03/2015 19:59

Ltb? Just kidding :)

IHaveASleepThief · 01/03/2015 20:00

Sorry when did your husband regress back to being a child? He's a grown man for goodness sake!
Tell him to always do a check when he leaves, phone, wallet and keys.

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 20:01

Sorry for typos that should have read " I don't know he never acknowledges when he's in the wrong. Thanks for listening

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/03/2015 20:14

Not acknowledging when you are wrong is a very selfish quality I hope you received an apology.

ImperialBlether · 01/03/2015 20:23

Is he nice at other times? Does he accept later that he was a complete twat?

Do you feel you're walking on eggshells around him?

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 20:27

No he told me to stop being abusive.

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/03/2015 20:37

He sounds like he is projecting his own behaviour on you. The trouble is that no matter how infrequent these outbursts are you will start to modify your behaviour and walk on egg shells around him, if you haven't already.

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 20:45

Because he hasn't and will not apologize for this I have been emotional. He says it's ridiculous that we cannot have a dispute without me becoming emotional. I tried to argue that we were not having a dispute, he rang and accused and blamed me out of the blue. He now says he did not forget his keys he just didn't bring them as he expected me to be there. He will not apologize because I never accept any tiny bit of criticism.

OP posts:

MelonBallersAreStrange · 01/03/2015 20:53

Sounds to me like he was spoiling for a fight and he got one.

How about you just completely ignore him next time?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/03/2015 20:53

He is behaving in an emotionally abusive way but I think you already know that.

How long do you get between these incidents and are they getting worse?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/03/2015 20:56

If you ignored him you would still be accused of being irrational, over emotional, aggressive or abusive. You cannot win in a relationship like this.

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 20:57

I don't feel like I'm walking in egg shells but I cannot ever day Nuthing to him without there being an almighty row. It was my birthday recently. It was a big one. DH had made a big deal of it in the morning with the kids. It was lovely. Then we went out for dinner in the evening with friends. DH made 3 sexual innuendo type comments to one if the girls there. I kicked him under the table at one stage. They were totally in appropriate. After everyone left it would have been nice to stay in for a drink on our own however u wanted to let DH know first how annoyed I was with him about the comments. I was worried about bringing it up as I knew what the outcome would be and I was right. There was no apology. He was giving out to me blaming me telling me I had no sense of humour blah blah and I had ruined it because didn't I understand the effort he had put into the morning etc etc. he vaguely apologized the following day but the night was ruined. It's always my fault. Thanks for listening I don't know how to get through to him. It always what I should be doing to improve communication. DH is always saying if I said something this way or that way then he would respond in a better way to me but that isn't the case. On my birthday I tried to be reasonable and just said quietly that I was annoyed that DH had said the 3 in appropriate things but then because I didn't shout or raise my voice he was dismissive. I cannot win.

OP posts:

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