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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was my dh being unreasonable or is it me?

61 replies

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 19:39

Ok today my dh was going off with some mates to do something fun. I was staying home to look after the dc. I didn't mind was happy for him. I had even sent him a text telling him to enjoy himself. I had mentioned yesterday that I may take them somewhere whilst he was out. I had asked him what time he would be back he joked and said all day, then said probably lunch time. I got the dc ready, one was being difficult, and we left the house later than I had planned. At about 11.45. On the way to our destination ( approx 20 min walk from house) I texted DH to let him know where we were going and asked him if he'd like to meet us there and we could them go home together. We were only going to be a short while. About 10 mins later I got a very snotty phone call from DH who had arrived home, without his keys to find us not at home. He was furious. Placed the blame completely on my shoulders. I should have told him I had intended on going out. I should have told him to take his keys. It was all about what "I" should have done/said etc...I told him I wasn't responsible for him and his keys. I always take my keys. He refused to see that he was being unreasonable having a go at me. I understand it's frustrating to get locked out. There are lots of cafés around where we live. We weren't far from home and he could have just followed on. Instead he was just really mean to me. I continued to destination with the children and saw one thing and after about 20 mins left again. Am I just being precious?

OP posts:

Momagain1 · 01/03/2015 20:57

Not bringing them based on an assumption like that is just as childish as forgetting them. You might have had to leave for some sort of emergency. Adults carry their keys with them. They just do. And when they don't, they understand it's their own error. End of.

He is manipulating you. It may never get any worse, but it could also develop into abuse. Take care. Pay attention.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/03/2015 21:01

How long have you been in the relationship? By the way there is no right way for you to behave, the outcome will always be the same. It's not you, it's him and unfortunately men like this do not change.

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 21:03

Thank you. He is telling me I am the abusive one. I do have a bit temper. I have to say I rarely cause arguments but do react to comments and then things escalate. When I'm in the wrong I do apologies though. Without him asking for one. I always apologize. He doesn't at least never on his own. Now I have to deal with this evening. He wants me to be normal and forget anything ever happened today. I find that hard. If I stay quiet I'm self righteous. I cannot handle him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 21:05

About 17 years Lumpy.

OP posts:

PlumpingUpPartridge · 01/03/2015 21:07

Your H is a twat.

Sorry

Jengnr · 01/03/2015 21:13

He sounds deeply unpleasant.

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 21:18

He is today plumping and jengnr. He can be very nice. He can also be mean. He justifies it by saying "I just said one thing" and expects me to put up and shut about it as it's just thing. I just cannot shut up though, that's what he thinks our issue is.....

OP posts:

Eminado · 01/03/2015 21:19

My concern is that your dc will eventually think this a normal way to behave .

It's really not...

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/03/2015 21:22

It all sounds exhausting and controlling.

I think you need to take a long hard look at your relationship. I suspect you are putting up with all sorts of crap but are so conditioned that you've become used to it.

Start noticing things, think about your behaviour and your thoughts. Give your relationship a health check, you may be surprised how many times you check yourself so as not to cause offence to your h.

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 21:27

Unfortunately Eminado our dc have witnessed arguing, I am ashamed of it. Today I said to my oldest dc that the way we were behaving was not normal. Then DH told me when I was away from dc that that was just another way for me to be abusive. I should not have involved the dc. I didn't want to and I wasn't telling them about the row. I just said that I was sorry about the row and that it was normal to behave like that. Maybe I was completely wrong to do that.
He seemed utterly shocked that I was annoyed with him over the blaming me for the keys. He really couldn't believe that I couldn't let it go. He really does not think he did anything wrong and he does not believe he said anything wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 21:29

Sorry that it was not normal to behave like that!!

OP posts:

blueberrypie0112 · 01/03/2015 21:41

Believe me, my husband and I got locked out many times and we don't do this. A phone call and some patience, like everyone else do, is all he need.

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 22:03

I know blueberry. The thing is that's the behavior DH would expect from me and he would be right. He would go mad if I had tried the same blame game with him.

OP posts:

shaska · 01/03/2015 22:41

"DH is always saying if I said something this way or that way then he would respond in a better way to me but that isn't the case. "

I'm sorry but in my (limited) experience this is what emotionally abusive people say to get you to jump when they say jump. To always be trying. Nothing sounds good here, but this sentence really stood out to me. You've tried to change the way you say things. It hasn't worked, has it?

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 01/03/2015 23:26

I have a screw loose to be still going on about it. It was my fault I should have known he didn't take his key. I tried telling him that I would have forgotten about it if he had apologized but he didn't. His response let it go. Can't win.

OP posts:

Jackw · 02/03/2015 00:14

No, you can't win. Time to start exploring your escape routes?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/03/2015 06:59

Nope, you are never gonna win and you will be heartbroken when you see your daughters in relationships like this or your sons behaving like this to their partners.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/03/2015 07:07

You will never win with this guy.
Of course he can be nice sometimes but equally he seems to be horrible a lot of the time too.

Ohfourfoxache · 02/03/2015 07:23

I'm so sorry but you are in an abusive relationship.

This is not normal. It is not good that your dc are exposed to this. But you know that.

Something needs to change, I'm afraid

You sound completely worn down. Conditioned into questioning yourself when, in fact, he is the one in the wrong.

You need a plan of action. Tbh my gut feeling, fwiw, is that he will not change. Abusers generally don't. So the question is, what are you prepared to do to get out of this situation? We cannot change the behaviour of others; we can only change our response to that behaviour.

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 02/03/2015 11:57

Thank you, you are right. He made me apologize to him last night for being unreasonable and over reacting to a minor sorry very minor incident .

OP posts:

PlumpingUpPartridge · 02/03/2015 12:06

I feel really sorry for you, op. The thing is, you do have to do something or you'll still be in this situation in 20 years. You'll end up overhearing your adult children talking and one of them will say something like 'Yes, well, dad's a twat' and you'll die a little inside.

Sorry

Sistedtwister · 02/03/2015 12:22

When he starts telling you everything you did wrong in a situation disengage completely. Tell him you are not going to argue with him an d if he wants an argument to go find someone else because you really can't be bothered. And yes yes yes to planning your exit.

I lived with a twat like this, he loved the drama of an argument. He upped his game though and would try to stop me leaving the room if I refused to engage with him, so I just stood and stared at him ranting and raving getting more and more angry whilst I showed no emotion.

It all came to a conclusion which was very beneficial to me at least. He found someone else who loved the drama as much as he did so at least I didn't have the hassle of moving out.

clam · 02/03/2015 12:23

He made you apologise?
How?
I like the sound of this bloke less and less.

Original poster

Inafogtoday · 02/03/2015 12:31

But unfortunately it's him that remains calm and it's me who starts ranting and raving about how I refuse to be treated like this. The kids are going to think that it's me who is the twat.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 02/03/2015 12:39

ltb

(not joking)

I bet you could come up with a lot more examples. this does not sound pleasant. sounds abusive. does not in anyway sound pleasant to live with.

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