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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

FIL coming from overseas when baby less than a month old. Expecting to stay for close to a month. Help?!

67 replies

Frugal15 · 01/03/2015 17:04

I posted about this a few months ago. I was anxious because FIL was making noises about coming to stay from overseas around the time when our baby is due/very small. And I just didn't want visitors, even family, actually staying with us with a newborn. We already have four kids between us and life is full-on without looking after a new baby and a house guest too.

I wanted to hang out in my PJs, establish breastfeeding, skip make-up, get over any baby blues, sleep whenever I can, etc, until I felt ready to be presentable to the world. Plus I'm naturally introverted and private, and don't want the world and his wife over anyway after baby's arrival and want some significant quiet time; even without baby in the frame, I'm of the any-house-guests-stink-after-three-days philosophy.

In the end we emailed FIL to say, very nicely, to hang fire with making any arrangements and let us consider when would be the best time for a visit. DP also spoke to him and said due to limited space, he'd probably have to stay elsewhere and visit in the day (this would at least take the pressure off us to be on top hosting form when least feeling like it). FIL seemed to get it and DP left things at, "I'll speak to Frugal15 and we'll get back to you."

Fast forward to now and I'm overdue and booked for an induction this week. Meanwhile FIL got on and booked flights anyway and will be arriving at the end of this month. Now, he and one of his other grandchildren (aged 10) will be coming. They'll be here for close to four weeks, not two (as he'd originally suggested). And when we've asked him what his budget is for accommodation so we can look at options locally (initial plans to stay with relatives locally haven't worked out), he's said he doesn't have one as he's already overspent. He's suggesting we put a tent up in the garden if we can't fit them in the house. Hmm

So, baby will now be arriving within the next five or so days, and we're now looking at DP spending his paternity leave buying and building a bunk bed, shunting furniture around, and making space to squeeze nine people into all four corners of the house, so that FIL and one of his other grandchildren can stay for nearly a month from when the baby is less than a month old. AIBU to find this an horrendous prospect?!

While they're here, I'll feel like I need to keep the fridge well-stocked and the place tidy, get dressed every day, stay up when I want to nap, cook, be on form conversationally when I've had an absolute fucking fill of small talk, have the telly on for baby's cousin when I want peace and quiet ... argh! Is there anything we can do? I don't want to seem unwelcome, and I don't want to offend FIL by telling him to bugger off. Of course they want to meet this new grandchild/cousin. But every day and night for a month is too much - way more than your typical, more thoughtful couple-of-hours-pop-in (not possible with the distance, obviously).

I feel that FIL has forced our hand and I'm bloody pissed off that any plans we might have had for how we'd spend baby's first few months, and how I might take care of myself once DP is back at work and - importantly - try to prevent PND (I had it mildly with my first DC years ago), have been completely overwritten. DP is fuming and currently stomping about the house swearing, threatening to give FIL an earful and tell him to cancel his trip. I'm saying hold fire with that until I've got some advice ... anyone?!

OP posts:
FeckTheMagicDragon · 01/03/2015 17:09

Tell you DP to tell them to fuck off, and if he won't he can fuck off too.

Sorry, probably not helpful, but I'd be steaming!

Seriously, your DP has to got back and say to him that its not possible for them to stay, end of story.

Ohmygrood · 01/03/2015 17:09
Shock Are there any other relatives or friends he can stay with?
prettywhiteguitar · 01/03/2015 17:09

I think I would just be very calm and dp say that there is a reason that you asked him to seek other accommodation and that you really can't accommodate him and a 10year old for a month. Full stop. No camping no nothing....he is being very thoughtless

elfycat · 01/03/2015 17:09

No I'm with your DH. Tell him to cancel and stay put wherever he is.

FIL is rude, rude, rude and entitled. You do not want him visiting your house for more than a day. He never intended to do anything than what he wanted to.

purplecloud123 · 01/03/2015 17:10

I feel for you, that sounds hideous. I think your DP is right and FIL either needs to cancel his trip or find somewhere else to stay.

wannabestressfree · 01/03/2015 17:11

I think your dp just needs to reiterate its not possible sorry.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 01/03/2015 17:11

I think your DP has exactly the right idea! I'd let him tell fil in no uncertain terms that they cannot stay

You really really don't have to let this happen, it's fine for you to put yourself and your new baby first right now

prettywhiteguitar · 01/03/2015 17:11

Don't try to organise ANYTHING for him, with the internet now people can book their own accommodation. Also cheapest by far is yha which will be ideal, so suggest that.

littleleftie · 01/03/2015 17:12

NO, NO, NO!!!!

Your error was in being nice to FIL in the first place, you gave him too much wriggle room.

I would let DH tell FIL not to come at all to be honest as it seems that is what his inclination is.

Good luck with the baby Grin

Schoolaroundthecorner · 01/03/2015 17:12

Let your DP handle it. He doesn't have to tell him to feic off but he can be very firm and say the flights should not have been booked without agreement, you have no space and the timing doesn't work for you so you can't accommodate them.

Tinofroses · 01/03/2015 17:14

Any caravan parks near by that you can book them into. That is ridiculous and totally unfair on you . I certainly wouldn't make up bunk beds. Had my in laws after ds1 and I thought they would never leave. I remember one of the first nights I said to them what would ye like for dinner and mil said oh don't worry about us , will have toast or something. Well I said I needed my dinner as was bf ing so she said oh that's great wel will have whatever your cooking. I was fuming. Most days though they went off on the buses sightseeing and had a carvery but I couldn't really relax. The only thing is fil was diagnosed shortly after and died when ds1 was only 6 months so in hindsight we were glad we had him to stay.

Tinofroses · 01/03/2015 17:16

Meant to say how the hell is 10 year old coming for a month , does he not to to school

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/03/2015 17:20

I totally agree with the previous posters on here - your dp must tell his dad that he CANNOT come and stay. He was clearly told there was no room for him, so he had no right to decide you had enough room for him and a child, for a whole! bloody month!

Tbh, he sounds like my FIL. Last year, he wanted to visit in the summer, and dh was not sufficiently on top of making the arrangements, and FIL got to dictate the length of his visit - so I was faced with a Saturday to Saturday visit - which was bad enough - but then we got a letter saying that, because the train fares were cheaper on the Friday, he'd be arriving a day early (but not leaving a day early - ohhh no Hmm).

Dh and I have discussed it since, and he is going to manage the process much better next time - or I will be taking myself away for all or most of the visit.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 01/03/2015 17:20

Yes I'd let your DH deal with it. If he is going to stand up for you then let him. Usually posters get told they have a DH problem not an IL problem. You plainly don't have a DH problem so let him make that call.
And if they do come then whack a tent in the garden and let them suffer.

ImperialBlether · 01/03/2015 17:23

Why on earth has your FIL spent the last of his money on a trip like this? He obviously doesn't even have money to live on for the month, which means you will have to pay for that, too.

I think your DH should phone him and tell him to cancel. No he can't sleep in the fucking garden, that's ridiculous even if it was August, but in March, ffs?

SweepTheHalls · 01/03/2015 17:23

Just reiterate - there is not room here. if you cannot afford accommodation and day trips for you and the 10 year old then you will need to cancel your trip. Stay strong!

DeliciousMonster · 01/03/2015 17:26

FFs - let your partner tell him what for.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2015 17:29

Let your DH deal with his dad, at least here he is on your side.

This is really about power and control here and FIL has exerted both to your detriment.

Boundaries re him going forward are absolutely necessary. It may come to pass that ultimately you will have no relationship with him at all due to his behaviours.

Unfortunately your FIL was only going to do what he intended to do from the very beginning; your lives and what is best for you did not come into consideration here. Infact it sounds like FIL has no consideration at all for anyone except his own self.

No making alternative arrangements for them either, besides which why on earth is his other grandson visiting too?. What have his parents said about his granddad taking him to the UK for a month?. Neither FIL nor his grandson have any need to be in your home or garden at all and particularly for a month!.

Do not make any alternate arrangements for them; it needs to be made clear to him that the only alternative now is to completely cancel the flights. They cannot stay in your garden in a tent either.

TidyDancer · 01/03/2015 17:34

Oh, this is just not acceptable. DH needs to reiterate "Unfortunately the situation has not changed and we are not able to accommodate any visitors at present. If you would like help in finding somewhere to stay, please let me know but you will not be able to stay with us" and if he debates further, repeat again.

TarkaTheOtter · 01/03/2015 17:40

I agree with the others. Let your dp deal with it. It's not your responsibility to find them accommodation. You told him he couldn't stay so he'll have to find somewhere else or cancel. This is not your problem to solve.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 01/03/2015 17:41

Tell him to either cancel or he won't be allowed in the garden let alone the house.

And yes I really would do this. I'd be livid. You told him not to come. He ignored you. It's his problem now not yours.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 01/03/2015 17:41

I'm with your DH. That really isn't on. In what universe did your FIL think it was a reasonable thing to do?! Having my IL's stay from abroad for 3 days when DD was 3 weeks old was bad enough.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 01/03/2015 17:42

Perhaps word it

" I hope you have good insurance since we informed you it was not convenient and you ignored us. The situation has not changed so if you cannot afford accommodation you will have to cancel."

No one would push me around in my own home like he's trying to do.

Didactylos · 01/03/2015 17:43

unleash your DP! he needs to put the boundaries up and sounds as though he is mentally prepared to do so

btw which grandchild is he planning to bring to the situation? can DH contact their parents directly as well and explain the situation. I expect fil has promised lots of things but I for one would not be happy to find out he was essentially relying on imposing on others (and probably bringing said grandchild to help him leverage doing this)

SylvaniansAtEase · 01/03/2015 18:01

No. You absolutely definitely tell your DP to do just that - get on the phone and tell his idiot of a father to cancel. Cancel cancel cancel.

There is more to this than just this trip. You're now having a baby, you're part of this family. Do yourself, your dp and your baby a favour by taking the bull by the horns, show your FIL that no, he can't overrule you in your own home, that you're going to be - as a family group - in charge of your OWN destiny and what happens with your baby in your home.

Your future self will thank you when in future, your FIL realises that unless he wants to lose a shedload of money, he behaves like a normal person and ASKS if it's convenient for him to stay.

Hand your DP the phone and tell him to tell his father he CANNOT COME as his plan is completely unsuitable for you all.