FIL coming from overseas when baby less than a month old. Expecting to stay for close to a month. Help?!

[Frugal15]

I posted about this a few months ago. I was anxious because FIL was making noises about coming to stay from overseas around the time when our baby is due/very small. And I just didn't want visitors, even family, actually staying with us with a newborn. We already have four kids between us and life is full-on without looking after a new baby and a house guest too.

I wanted to hang out in my PJs, establish breastfeeding, skip make-up, get over any baby blues, sleep whenever I can, etc, until I felt ready to be presentable to the world. Plus I'm naturally introverted and private, and don't want the world and his wife over anyway after baby's arrival and want some significant quiet time; even without baby in the frame, I'm of the any-house-guests-stink-after-three-days philosophy.

In the end we emailed FIL to say, very nicely, to hang fire with making any arrangements and let us consider when would be the best time for a visit. DP also spoke to him and said due to limited space, he'd probably have to stay elsewhere and visit in the day (this would at least take the pressure off us to be on top hosting form when least feeling like it). FIL seemed to get it and DP left things at, "I'll speak to Frugal15 and we'll get back to you."

Fast forward to now and I'm overdue and booked for an induction this week. Meanwhile FIL got on and booked flights anyway and will be arriving at the end of this month. Now, he and one of his other grandchildren (aged 10) will be coming. They'll be here for close to four weeks, not two (as he'd originally suggested). And when we've asked him what his budget is for accommodation so we can look at options locally (initial plans to stay with relatives locally haven't worked out), he's said he doesn't have one as he's already overspent. He's suggesting we put a tent up in the garden if we can't fit them in the house.

So, baby will now be arriving within the next five or so days, and we're now looking at DP spending his paternity leave buying and building a bunk bed, shunting furniture around, and making space to squeeze nine people into all four corners of the house, so that FIL and one of his other grandchildren can stay for nearly a month from when the baby is less than a month old. AIBU to find this an horrendous prospect?!

While they're here, I'll feel like I need to keep the fridge well-stocked and the place tidy, get dressed every day, stay up when I want to nap, cook, be on form conversationally when I've had an absolute fucking fill of small talk, have the telly on for baby's cousin when I want peace and quiet ... argh! Is there anything we can do? I don't want to seem unwelcome, and I don't want to offend FIL by telling him to bugger off. Of course they want to meet this new grandchild/cousin. But every day and night for a month is too much - way more than your typical, more thoughtful couple-of-hours-pop-in (not possible with the distance, obviously).

I feel that FIL has forced our hand and I'm bloody pissed off that any plans we might have had for how we'd spend baby's first few months, and how I might take care of myself once DP is back at work and - importantly - try to prevent PND (I had it mildly with my first DC years ago), have been completely overwritten. DP is fuming and currently stomping about the house swearing, threatening to give FIL an earful and tell him to cancel his trip. I'm saying hold fire with that until I've got some advice ... anyone?!

Let your DP tell his dad, in no uncertain terms, that you will not be putting him up. If DP is fuming and gives him a piece of his mind, all the better, maybe it will help it sink in.

Oh my gosh! This must be a record for "most selfish action"!

Yes get your DH to give him an earful! He's obvious not responding to reasoned discussion. You can't spend your early days together like this, you'll never forgive him. Better a falling out now rather a lifetime of resenting him immensely and regretting your DC's early days.

Your DH is right. Let him get on with saying no to his dad.

Let your DP let rip. Why are even asking. I'd be fucking fuming.

Let your DP cancel the trip. The mistake you made was being too nice by saying you would consider it instead of a flat no. Your DP can easily rectify this now by saying you don't want any visitors staying with you.

yep, let your DH tell him to stay home. it winds me up when people just invite themselves.

really feel for you.

i have a same same but different situation, mil has announced she's coming in "the summer" for 3 weeks or so. she hasn't given us dates yet. she'll let us know nearer the time. I don't want her here (huge backstory) DH doesn't particularly want her with us for that long. he needs to tell her no. but she's booked her flights already. sigh. searching for hotels at present, for either her or me....

Yes, let your DP do his worst - this is fucking awful behaviour and presumably your DP knows that it's standard behaviour, hence his anger. There's no way anyone could cope with 4 DCs and a newborn and a FIL and a random cousin for a month - do whatever it takes to make it not happen.

And if it does happen - do you have parents/siblings you could move in with for the duration?

Just no. Your DP needs to tell him no. Your FIL has completely ignored you and is taking the piss. He needs it spelling out in black and white terms that he is not welcome at that time.

Astonishingly selfish! Another vote for getting your DP to tell him that it's not acceptable.

Great that your DP is on your side. That's the battle you don't want to have to fight.

Is the trip about meeting the baby, or is that an excuse for a holiday?

Is FIL flaky, thoughtless or manipulative? How cross I'd feel would depend.

Depending how useful he could make himself, I might offer some sort of compromise option e.g. Stay with you for a week or two but he has to be 'on the staff', entertaining children, taking them out and about, cooking or taking charge of cleaning up for the week. Make it clear that you'll be focusing on the baby, DP has enough on his plate with the other DC and he'd need to be supporting you and contributing, not expecting to be looked after.

If he's not capable and reliable, say no.

I agree this is all very unreasonable and unfair on both you and DH. But on the other hand, FIL is probably excited to see the new baby and looking forward to his trip.

Is there any half way house here OP? Do you have other relatives or friends where he could stay in spare room for a week of his trip? If you could find 4 accommodating relatives or neighbours with a spare room, that could be a solution. I realise it's not ideal but a thought.

I think the attitude needs to be we are keen to see you you (even if faked) but you really can't stay here (or in the garden).

I remember your original thread - that's shocking behaviour! I agree with all the others & think you should let your DH tell him there's no room, so he'll have to cancel his trip.

Why shouldn't DH let rip? This man is being astonishingly selfish and rude. The trip needs to be cancelled, and fil needs to be told this in absolutely no uncertain terms.

If your DH won't, you should step up and tell him no.

or get a hotel.

Totally cancel. Let your DP tell him and in no uncertain terms. FFS, not only did he completely disregard your wishes but now he wants to bring an EXTRA CHILD?! Red card OP, red card.

I'm glad your DP is on your side. This is easy. Let your DP tell him to cancel the trip. Your FIL is being very unreasonable.

I know how bad this could be because we hosted MIL when my baby was less than a month old. I'm also introverted and want a lot of private space. If there's anyway around this, do not host them.

Thank you all for posting. I didn't expect so many responses! Unanimous, too.

I appreciate the vindication, because I was feeling mean for not wanting DP's dad staying here. FIL first raised his ideas around Christmas, IIRC, and it was a busy time and although I ranted and raved protested, DP wasn't very receptive with so much going on. We also clashed about it initially, because he felt it unfair that my (local) parents get to come over and be involved, etc, but I didn't want his dad around. The differences are (a) they're local, (b) they'll pop in for short visits, (c) my mum can't help enough - she'll do cleaning, laundry, everything, to make the first weeks/months easier for us, and (d) it's my body and me adjusting and I don't mind them seeing me in a state with my boobs out. I just don't have that closeness with FIL.

Anyway, DP got his head round how it's different (with the help of lovely Mumsnetters' perspectives), and since, has been trying to work on FIL to halt his plans, or at least make them in consultation with us. We've been softly softly with him because he lost his wife less than two years ago, and this will be his first grandchild to arrive without her around (and probably his last); it means a lot to him and I think has given him something to feel positive and excited about and look forward to. Plus, his undeniable selfishness isn't meanly motivated IYSWIM. There's no manipulation there. He is simply thoughtless in this respect - low emotional intelligence when it comes to thinking about us, and how we might find having house guests so soon after baby's arrival. It will simply not have occurred to him. Yes he has some annoying traits (don't we all), which I will find too much under my roof for four weeks, but he's fundamentally a nice (if self-centred and at times thoughtless) man. So we haven't wanted to be mean and hard-arsed with him - except of course it's now biting us on the bum.

He has booked up two visits before, for two and then five weeks, and stayed with us both times, and they've been really stressful TBH. We just didn't think he'd actually go ahead and do what he's done, with baby so small. He was at first talking about coming for two weeks, alone, going off and doing his own thing some of the time, and staying with a local relative - relatively manageable. The local relative thing hasn't worked out (my family have house guests of their own at the same time, and the other person he was going to stay with has become too sick). We have our feelers out among friends regarding unused annexes, house-sitting, etc - nothing yet. I think he genuinely expects to stay with us; he isn't looking into accommodation, we are.

What's pissing DP and I off is that he has turned a shortish trip into one twice the length, with twice the people (including a child who will need to be kept entertained). He plans to do some sightseeing with his other grandchild, which will cost, and it seems as though by splurging on two of them, for twice as long, he's maxed out his budget and now can't afford to stay elsewhere - so it's as though we have to put him up. That's bloody cheeky!

I don't think I have the heart to tell him to cancel, and I don't want DP to. They have a good relationship, his dad lives a very long way away (we're talking opposite side of the world), and I think a firm instruction to cancel could damage that relationship. But I think, given how much of an imposition and stress it would be for us - as you all agree - that DP could insist his dad organise accommodation elsewhere and that that is non-negotiable. Also that on the days DP and his kids aren't around, they go off and do their sightseeing to give me and baby some peace. Could that work? Any other ideas for a compromise?

Sigh.

Thank you all again. I don't feel like a mean bitch now at least.

Okay, so don't tell him to cancel but tell him to postpone.

I feel for you. The same thing happened to me - in laws booked a month long trip to see us when dc2 was two weeks old. We requested a stay of two weeks long but they just booked for a month. It went really badly. They were not at all interested in exploring a new city or even going to shops alone. I was very blue and hid in my room with baby. I couldn't breastfeed and MIL was constantly trying to whisk baby away to feed him.

We parted on fairly bad terms and it's understood by both sides that a long stay in the future probably isn't an option. Usually I am very happy to host and we love visitors, but the chaos of a new baby is not conducive to guests.

good luck OP, hope it all works out ok.

Could you also get your dp to talk to his sibling (I assume!) about the other grandchild that's coming with your fil and find out how the bloody hell that came about - and along the way see if you can see why fil ignored you, doubled the length of his visit and decided to bring his gc with him...

They might think that the gc was invited and it was such an amazing opportunity that it was too good to turn down. If they discover that you've only just found out, that you don't have space, fil had booked to come despite being asked to wait and find out when was convenient - and he's coming for twice as long as initially stated, plus your dc won't be around to play with their cousin, you'll already be overstretched looking after baby and your dc without guests, fil doesn't think that you're serious about him and gc staying in a hotel and doesn't seem to have the budget for it so is talking about sleeping in a tent in the garden instead - and are they sending money over for gc because it's going to be expensive to feed another mouth for a month etc etc.

Has your fil booked fixed tickets or could he change them do you think so that he comes for just a week or two? Even if he has to pay £100 it would be worth it as he will have to pay loads more for accommodation for two weeks, not to mention living expenses...

Once you've pumped the gc's parents for info, then definitely let dh let rip at his dad and try to get him to postpone or shorten the trip, not to mention leave gc behind!

Good luck - with this and the birth!

OP do as you've planned. Relax in your PJ's. Watch telly in your room. Let DH and FIL cook/clean/shop. I think if you just let things slip around you, one of them will have to shop/cook or starve.

Honestly even with all the new info you have provided I would still tell him to cancel his trip.

You sound lovely OP, and very kind-hearted, but you're going to spend the first few weeks of your baby's life dreading FIL's visit, and the month after that resenting him for being there.

I think you just need to put yourself first this time and get your DH to tell him, kindly, that you had already told him you couldn't accommodate him and the situation hasn't changed. A tent in the garden in March for a child is not an option although I'd be tempted to pitch one just to see his fac when he rocks up expecting the 4-star treatment

Oh and make sure that dh makes sure that fil understands in no uncertain terms that as you are looking after the baby that you get first dibs on the tv at all times (be that your choice of programme or just not having it on) - I have visions from what you've said of him sitting there and if dh is out, then expecting to be able to sit at your house and watch tv whilst you wait on him...

Maybe dh should be saying - fantastic, that means we won't need to hire the mother's help that we were going to need to do all the cooking and cleaning and tidying and running around after the other dc as we know that Frugal will need to be concentrating on the baby and herself, and I won't be able to as I'm back at work then. Might scare him off if he thinks he's going to have to earn his keep do something and not have a relaxing holiday!