Please help me - DP and work - feel like my world has crashed around me

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Hello Mumsnetters. I am a long time lurker, and have found the advice on MN to be really valuable to other posters. I'm here because I have reached a horrible 'decision moment' in my relationship, and I can't think straight or work out what I should do. I'm a mess.

My DP and I have been together for 3 years. The last 8 months he has worked in New Zealand intermittantly - I have seen him every 2 weeks on average and hehas been home for blocks of time like a month here and there. This led to me living along much of the time - a big change from living together full time previously. Even when he is back he often works away in the week throughout the UK. I found this hard. In April we had planned to 'settle' down, and he was going to massivley decrease trips aborad (ie go once every few months for a fortnight). I had been looking forward to this after the last 8 months which, quite frankly have been a huge struggle. It's not just having no real life together, but the time difference makes it so much harder, as does the inability to 'pop over' and visit, as you may well be able to do in Europe.

So last weekend we went to look at sofas etc for our new place. I have been so excited about this, and he knows that. I absolutely loved living with him in the past when we were settled without all this travelling, and I couldn't wait to go back to that. We discussed it last November and for me it has been a kind of count down to April.

Then last night, he calls me after work to tell me he has been offered a job for 9 months based in New Zealand full time. It's clear he wants to go. He sounded upset, conflcited but basically I knew he wanted to go. He got angry at one point and then apologised (it was as if my pain and hurt over this was an inconvennience to him that he couldnt be bothered to deal with). I said he should go if he wants to but I couldn;t understand why he would. I then cried and cried and begged him not to go. I then took back saying that and told him I would deal with it, but that it would have a huge impact on us, but ultimately I didn't want to stop him going.

I don't believe that relationships work when you force someone not to do something they want to do. Hence why I have said go if you want to. But I feel like my life is on hold - I waited months for his life to settle down and we both agreed on April as it would fit with his job. Now April is nearly here and he's essentially telling me he might be disappearing from my life until December.

We are in our late twenties. I have a job that I cannot leave (training in an extremely competitive industry and if I don't see out the next 18 months I would most likely never qualify into this career path - I have to stay). My DP would like the experience working full time in New Zealand. He doesn't need to do that job in New Zealand, however. He can do it in the UK, though it may take a little longer to get to that point.

How would you feel and what would you do? Has anyone ever succesfully got through something like this? Am I entitled to expect/want more from him? I feel so broken and don't know what to do.

I think it's hard, but I would expect him to go. It's an amazing opportunity, you don't have children, and this kind of thing is much harder when you do. It's the perfect time for him to do it in many ways. Could you go out for say a month in the middle?

Ultimately you may need to face the fact that this means more to him than you do. You post talks a lot about what you want, that you were excited to live together again, you were desperately looking forward to April...did he feel the same?

He has the right to work where he wants and you have the right to decided you don't want a long distance relationship.

So it's down to you.

I remember writing on another thread about working away that it's very much down to the people involved. I live in an area with a high concentration of forces families. I'd not want that and it'd be a deal breaker for me.

We all draw our lines in different places and that's ok.

By the April he'd have been working abroad for 10 months and with this extra 9 months that's over a year and a half and no guarantees he'll not be offered another job and still not want to come back after that.

You've got some serious talking to do but you can draw the line where you want, as can he.

He said he felt the same. He talked about it a lot and to me he gave the impression that he was just as keen.

I couldn't stay out there for a month. I could go for a 10 days a couple of times, I imagine.

Do I just accept this and hope he means it when he says he wants a future with me? (Whenever that ends up being...)

You need to sit down now and figure out where you both see your futures.

If he sees his in NZ and you see yours in UK then you have a huge decisions to make. But it needs to be made now before you put your life on hold for him or he does for you. Neither is right or wrong - you just might want different things.

I think, sadly, this is one of those situations where a natural break means you take a break from each other. You appear to want very different things, there's not much scope for compromise, and it might be less stressful all round if you agreed to go your separate ways for a while and see how you feel about each other a year down the track.

Stop waiting for him. I think you might be on a different time scale from him. You are ready to settle down. He isn't.

He has told me that when he is back he wants to buy a home and settle down with me.

He has said it won't happen again - it's just this once.

I already waited. How can I trust him again? I am so torn up about this.

Did you write another thread on this, OP, as there was something very similar quite recently.

I think what I'd do is to accept that you met at the wrong time in your lives. He (quite rightly) wants to make the most of the opportunities given to him through work and you (quite rightly) don't want a long distance relationship.

Maybe if you let it go now with no hard feelings you two may get together in the future. The thing is that now is not the time for you two to be together. Wish him well and throw yourself into your work. Go out with friends as often as you can, pick up new hobbies and try not to spend too much time thinking about him.

Ironically if you seem as though you can do without him now, you will be more attractive to him, though I'm not giving that as a reason for letting him go. You need to be starring in your own story, not just playing a bit part in someone else's life story.

I don't think he should be tied to that decision, frankly. Who knows what either of you would want in a year's time?

Let him go, wish him well and focus on yourself for a while. If he comes back and wants the life you want, all well and good. If he doesn't then you still get to lead the life you wanted.

You are second fiddle to his career plans, in the same as you are putting your career first.

You are young. You have not really been that long with eachother. You dont have children. You are both building your careers, you in the UK, and he on the other side of the globe. You are not meant to be. Sorry. Let him go, but move on from the relationship.

As much as you want and need a life here, he wants a life doing that. Whether it will be for nine months or whether he will end up permanently out there is anyones guess.

What you need to decide is do you want to remain in this relationship whilst he is away or do you think life would be easier if you separate?

Its a never say never situation - he may end up living there permanently, you may end up finding someone else, you both may end up staying together and he really does just do a 9m stint.

You need to decide what you want for you.

I want to be strong enough to stay with him. He says he will pay half the rent for us while he is away and help to furnish out flat in the same way as if he was here.

He also said he would come back twice and I could go out there twice.

The thing that is hurting me is that he really doesn't seem very bothered about my feelings - he is just clear he wants to go and that seems to be that.

Well, you're both young and this is a time in your life when you both need to be pursuing dreams and making the most of the opportunities that come your way. You've made a career decision that keeps you in the UK and it sounds like you're driven and ambitious, which are good things, and to be commended.

I have to say, I don't fully understand his motivation to want to do a job to 'experience working full time in New Zealand', won't it be essentially the same as working full time anywhere/the work he's already done in NZ but for longer? Does he actually mean he wants to experience living in New Zealand full time? That would make more sense.

However, the inescapable fact is you both have ambitions which preclude the other. The difference is that you have always been clear about yours and you thought he had agreed his were compatible with a shared goal of living together. Now it looks like he was never really very serious about that plan, which is hurtful.

Honestly I think in your shoes I would take a break from the relationship whilst he's in NZ. Both of you could do some casual dating or spending time alone, with no expectations on the other. Then when/if he returns (and it really is an if I think) or your training completes and you can consider a move abroad, you can reconnect and see whether the relationship is still there.

It's sad but I think a lot of relationships between twentysomethings tend to fall into this category where one is ready to settle down sooner than the other.

Cross posted with you. He's made these promises before, hasn't he? Just one more trip and then I'll be ready to settle down. So I would discount this because as evidence of his willingness to commit it's worthless. What is evidence is that he wants to go and live on the other side of the world from you for nine months.

His attitude that you can like it or lump it is also not a great sign for the long term health of the relationship. He simply isn't prioritising it, and thus your feelings. I think his actions and his attitude are telling you what you need to know. I don't understand what 'I want to be strong enough to stay with him' means. By all means you are free to stay in a relationship with him whilst he goes off, but why is that you being 'strong'? And why is it you who needs to be strong? This isn't a test of your fortitude whilst he goes off to war.

OP what more could he do to show empathy? He is commiting to half the rent on a flat he wont even be in, has said he will come over twice and you can go over twice (which considering the distance is a LOT within nine months).

Aside from not actually go, what more do you want from him?

I think it's just a case of different priorities. I don't feel either of you is wrong. He certainly sounds committed to you, he's just showing it with finances rather than in the way you need.

I can see why you are conflicted.

I can understand your pain but you need to think long term. You are both boosting your careers at the moment. Which is the ideal time when there are no kids on the scene.

I think this will last if you want it to. It's just about accepting he wants to take this opportunity. It's not about you it's about him.

I know you think he has disregarded your feelings but he hasn't. He just feels more comfortable in a ldr.

Is the flat going to be mortgaged? If yes that's a huge commitment.

I think if I were you I'd feel really hurt about this and give myself a few days without any contact. (Let him know first - either the truth or an excuse - so that's not worried about your safety).

It's his career, and his life. I'm not sure what you really want him to say, other than "darling I adore you, can't live without you and won't go." It sounds like he understands you are disappointed, but you are just going to have to deal with that.

Not going to happen. I suspect he is finding it hard but actually when it comes to it the job means more than leaving you does.

Let him go. You concentrate on your career. 9 months will fly by.

Can I make this work?

I want it to work. When we spokem briefly I felt a wave of excitment at the thought of visiting him abroad and having the chance to settle up a home the way I like it while he is gone...and for him to come back to.

I feel weird that I felt that way and also scared.

I am so confused and conflcited.

I think you could try giving it a go yes.

I think it would work. Then bf and I had a long distance relationship after three years of being together every day. I then moved away for two years and we would both travel to see each other (bf more as he had a car and could drive). Both similar ages as yourselves.

After two years it just came together. He's now my dh and we have two DDs.

How far apart were you and how often did you see one another? Thank you.

Long time married and experience of living apart because of work here.

If I were you I wouldn't be judging this on the work aspect at all. Work and separation are not the main issues. The main issue is your love for each other and your relationship. If that's without question then you will find a way.

Obviously you feel a let down from your excitement, but you have to learn that in the long term in life circumstances are always changing. Life will always throw up curved balls, it's how you deal with them that counts. The deal breaker is either the living circumstances or the relationship.

The time will soon fly by especially with visits and he sounds very fair offering to pay half of the rent. If he felt he missed out on this opportunity now he may always hold it against you in the back of his mind, as presumably you would if the boot were on the other foot?

Just ask yourself how much you love him, want to settle with him and if you think he honestly feels the same, or if you want to break up over this.

enrique I guess part of me is worried that he will move over there and love it and not want to come back.

I do love him and I want to support him and be helpful to him and encouraging...that's how I want to be. I'm just cut up and hurt and feel confused and worried. I feel like it will effectively end us.

How long did you live apart for? How often do you see eeach other?