Please help me - DP and work - feel like my world has crashed around me

[redandwhiteview]

Hello Mumsnetters. I am a long time lurker, and have found the advice on MN to be really valuable to other posters. I'm here because I have reached a horrible 'decision moment' in my relationship, and I can't think straight or work out what I should do. I'm a mess.

My DP and I have been together for 3 years. The last 8 months he has worked in New Zealand intermittantly - I have seen him every 2 weeks on average and hehas been home for blocks of time like a month here and there. This led to me living along much of the time - a big change from living together full time previously. Even when he is back he often works away in the week throughout the UK. I found this hard. In April we had planned to 'settle' down, and he was going to massivley decrease trips aborad (ie go once every few months for a fortnight). I had been looking forward to this after the last 8 months which, quite frankly have been a huge struggle. It's not just having no real life together, but the time difference makes it so much harder, as does the inability to 'pop over' and visit, as you may well be able to do in Europe.

So last weekend we went to look at sofas etc for our new place. I have been so excited about this, and he knows that. I absolutely loved living with him in the past when we were settled without all this travelling, and I couldn't wait to go back to that. We discussed it last November and for me it has been a kind of count down to April.

Then last night, he calls me after work to tell me he has been offered a job for 9 months based in New Zealand full time. It's clear he wants to go. He sounded upset, conflcited but basically I knew he wanted to go. He got angry at one point and then apologised (it was as if my pain and hurt over this was an inconvennience to him that he couldnt be bothered to deal with). I said he should go if he wants to but I couldn;t understand why he would. I then cried and cried and begged him not to go. I then took back saying that and told him I would deal with it, but that it would have a huge impact on us, but ultimately I didn't want to stop him going.

I don't believe that relationships work when you force someone not to do something they want to do. Hence why I have said go if you want to. But I feel like my life is on hold - I waited months for his life to settle down and we both agreed on April as it would fit with his job. Now April is nearly here and he's essentially telling me he might be disappearing from my life until December.

We are in our late twenties. I have a job that I cannot leave (training in an extremely competitive industry and if I don't see out the next 18 months I would most likely never qualify into this career path - I have to stay). My DP would like the experience working full time in New Zealand. He doesn't need to do that job in New Zealand, however. He can do it in the UK, though it may take a little longer to get to that point.

How would you feel and what would you do? Has anyone ever succesfully got through something like this? Am I entitled to expect/want more from him? I feel so broken and don't know what to do.

I was just thinking the same about your post, cedric and I can see that I'm channelling Wellthatsit too...

I know that OP is reeling from this 'bombshell' but it's inevitable that he will get to actually LIVE whilst he's in NZ. I'm sure he's talked this through with his family too and I expect they're getting the upbeat, excited version.

As difficult and alien as it sounds... a clean 'break' is, in my opinion, the very best thing. Do you know why, OP? For these reasons:

• You get to do the Romeo/Juliet 'parting is such sweet sorrow' bit. A last evening together filled with happy times and no hard feelings.
• You can make it a 'who knows what the future holds but goodbye for now' thing - I can't tell you how much it will focus your man's thoughts if he has them. Another poster said upthread that he has nothing to worry about, nothing to think about... who on earth wants to be that 'nothing'? Not you!
• You get to reconnect with your friends and make new ones.
• You get to do-over after a period of reflection, all the things that you've done in this relationship that you wouldn't do again... you actually get a 'time machine' option should you get together again. If not, you get to not make those same mistakes again with somebody else - win/win. You then get to ramp up your own game, redandwhite* - assuming that you'll marry (somebody) and have children in the future - what do you want them to aspire to?
• If you have both kept in touch and you both decide that you would like to re-connect then you have that lovely time starting out again - free of baggage as it's 'new', but this time, if you are at this stage - you have absolutely every chance of a very happy life together as a couple and as two INDEPENDENT people.

The car/rent thing didn't fill me with any warm feelings. It's either like getting your car clamped and towed for cheap parking or it's like a consolation prize. Don't read into it that it's a demonstration of any kind of commitment because it isn't.

You have so many experiences and opportunities ahead of you too. Do not, I beg of you, hitch yourself to anybody until you know who you are because you'll invariably be dragged along. I wouldn't want that for my daughter and I wouldn't want it for you. What does your mother say?

Reading all of this one thing stands out for me. He isn't in love with you. He could be if you were together, but long distance love is never the real thing as when the two people do eventually get together there's an enormous pressure to be who the other one wants them to be. almost like the phone/text relationship is better and preferable to the proper one. What if when you do eventually get together and it's all wrong? he moves into a flat you furnished and he feels like it's not his and resents being there. I'm sorry op I don't see a positive outcome to this relationship at all.

What if you find someone else in the meantime and your current partner wants all the rent money and furniture money back? what if he finds someone else in nz? sorry.

Exactly lying. I had a ldr for nearly 5 years in my kate teens and early twenties. I was much younger than you and probably more naive, but it was a disaster. The amount of times I wished for a normal relationship, to go out with other couples and not be the one showing pictures of my bf, the opportunities I turned down. God it makes me sad for me back then.

I was living half a life - there was so much pressure for it to be great when he came back, we did lots of crying when he left, crying when he returned and emotional roller coaster stuff and it was all bullshit anyway. He was repeatedly unfaithful and suffered no consequences because he wasn't really accountable to anyone over there.

This is a salutary tale and may bear no relation to your situation, but if I regret anything it's that I waited in a state of suspended animation for him - literally and emotionally.

That is why your post concerns me - I see lots of that in you - clinging to scraps, trying to see a fundamentally negative situation through a prism of positivity, not seeing his lack of commitment for what it is and distracting myself with "homemaking" when I bloody well should have been having some fun.

The relief when I met my lovely, kind, normal, committed dh was extraordinary, although for a long time I didn't feel I deserved it .

Flux please allow me to disagree.

A long distance relationship is not easy but it is possible. Whether or not it is the right thing for op is for her to figure out. But there is people who for whatverer reason have to live appart and somehow manage.

Think for instance of couples where one person serves in the army abroad or have to be appart because of ridiculous immigration rules. Would you say that their love is "not the real thing"?

But nolim those things are unavoidable. This is a choice that he is seeing as fundamentally positive. I don't think you can compare it to someone deployed to Afghanistan!

@nolim I speak from personal experience. I used to be on a relationship with a marine. no the love wasn't real. real love is sleeping with someone every night and waking with them and sharing silly stuff through the day and literally being there for them mentally and physically to hug and kiss and look into each others eyes. I'm not saying it can't work for op but it's not working is it because coping is not living.

real love is sleeping with someone every night and waking with them and sharing silly stuff through the day and literally being there for them mentally and physically to hug and kiss and look into each others eyes.

How is that a description of ''Real love''??

as previously posted my dp is looking to go and work abroad for a year, this means upon his return we will be able to pay off half of our mortgage and be financially stable enough to start a family and let me be a SAHM. Does this mean we do not have what you describe as 'real love'??

he is not doing this to go 'galavanting' around. its the long term gains we are looking at.
this does not mean that we wont speak every day and miss each other as, 4 year in we so far haven't spent more then a few days apart!

the OP is not in a new relationship but has been with her DP for 3 years, that to me shows he is committed to the relationship but also wants to take an opportunity to further his career in a way he couldn't do at home.

9 months is not a long time, approx 270 days in fact! as long as he is aware that OP is not willing to move the goalposts again after this then i do not see the issue here!

why not make it "a once in a life time travel the world adventure" and meet 1/2 way on your trips....use the money he was going to pay on half rent and a new sofa etc (how dull / what a waste) - stick a pin in the map for your dream destinations - Sth America? SE Asia? Africa? India? -- pick a different continent each time - much more fun than a 24 hr flight to UK/NZ and sitting around whilst other is at work.

This is a fantastic opportunity for you which you will never have again once kids come into it.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

@giraffe are you telling me if you had to make a list of what real love was to you none of those things would be in it?

I would sat your dh is making a sacrifice for both of your futures and that's definitely real love but for the op him working away is not a sacrifice. he's doing it because he wants to for him.

If you love someone set them free.

I would think of new opportunities this would present.

I would not hold out for him to come back to you so even if he does, do not wait around twiddling your fingers and pining for his return.

Use the time constructively to make new friends, forge new hobbies and wish him the same.

If he truly is the love of your life you will get back together but only if you use the break in a positive way.

This happened to me op and we ended our relationship rather than allowing it to limp on.

We saw new people, enjoyed new experiences and yet four years later we both came to the conclusion that we were made for each other and decided to get married.

He gave up his job in Canada (he's Canadian)and came to the Uk to marry me and we've lived here ever since (20 years).

If it's meant to be it will all turn out well in the end.

If it wasn't meant to be you won't lose out so let him go with all your best wishes for the future.

Flux and cedric:

I am also talking from experience. I have survived a long distance relationship. Whether or not enlisting to go to afganistan is a choice or unavoidable is something we can debate all day. and we can also debate whether studying or gaining work experience if you want to have a career in that field is a choice. Imo it is a legitimate reason to live abroad.

I am not saying that op should wait. I am not saying she should not wait. I dont know the guy or the whole story to say point blank that "he is not in love with you" as flux said.

I have offered my experience as have you. But i will not pressume to tell op what is best for her.

I think some of the other posters have been quite hard on you.

a) it’s completely fair enough that you want to live together and aren’t up for yet more long distance.
b) I think it’s pretty unfair that your bf agreed something with you – that you’d live together from April – and then decided not to do that, without even (it sounds like) really discussing it with you.

Personally, it’s the second bit that would really upset me – he obviously feels like he can do whatever he wants, without reference to decisions that you’ve made together. If you did get married and have a child, I suspect he’d still think it was ok for him to wander off for months at a time.

Honestly, I’d LTB, I think you can find someone who wants to be with you and someone who sticks by his commitments.

I did a long distance relationship for 4 years, we’re married now and very happy, but we both agreed that long distance was right for us and that makes it completely different. If both of you agree that long distance is sensible for a period of time for both of you as a couple, that’s one thing and it can definitely work well but that’s not the situation for the OP. The OP’s situation is: we’ve been periodically long distance for a while, we agreed to stop that and move in together, but he’s decided that he’d rather not.

I am also simply sharing my experience. I am not telling her what to do - only to look after herself and her own needs in all of this.

If you are in a relationship with a soldier, they will probably be deployed. The dp of the op is being quite callous if you read her op. He is reneging on an agreement and then getting "quite angry" as though her feelings are "inconvenient". Not the same at all.

Fair point cedric. Apologies to you.

Thanks nolim . Refreshing to not get locked into the usual mn contradictions - you took the wind out of my sails - I was ready for a mn ruck. Good luck op - it's a really tough time now but hopefully you can get some clarity when he is away.

It's never, ever in the best interests of any woman (or man, come to that) to be entirely dependent on a partner. Even with benefit of marriage; women need to be able to rely on themselves and plan accordingly.

A poster here once talked of her grandmother's 'war chest' and I thought what a fabulous concept that was.

Whatever the gender, in my opinion, a totally complicit partner weakens the relationship if they have no interests, activities or potential for self-sufficiency of their own.

I think by this stage we're in danger of not helping very much. The OP started with 'I can't think straight' and after reading various posts which seemed to make sense and clarify some things for her, I'm a bit concerned that she'll now have read others, which also make sense and be back at square one.

The main issue being that none of us know her, her DP or the ins and outs of their relationship over and above the work related separations and change in circumstances.
It's a valid point that he made an arrangement with her which he now wants to alter. It's also valid that this opportunity has cropped up unexpectedly and altered the long term possibilities.

The important thing is that no one has suggested she subjugates her own life and career plan to his. She's said quite clearly that she needs to carry on with her training and that she needs to stay put to do that and I don't think anyone would suggest differently.

I can't agree with real love is sleeping with someone every night and waking with them and sharing silly stuff through the day and literally being there for them mentally and physically to hug and kiss and look into each others eyes I'm amazed at the idea that you're only really in love with someone if you wake with them every morning (chance would be a fine thing) and they're right in your face every day.
To me real love is the depth of feeling you have regardless of outside circumstance. Would my love for my DH or my DCs wither and die because we were separated for however long? it's laughable and to me very shallow.

Now for all we know the OP's DP may well have her on a string and it is possible that he will either go and decide he wants to stay overseas, or he may return and then something else crop up which takes priority over her.
Or, their relationship might be strong and fulfilling and worth taking this separation blip now for a better future. The whole point is that none of know and the OP can't know for sure she can only decide if it's worth it to her to give it a go.

Red break it all down into little questions rather than being confused by the whole. Decide if you love this man and want to stay committed to him while he's away. Work out everything else once you've got the answer to that question.

Everything is doable once you've got something to work towards. It's overwhelming you at the moment because of shock and immensity, but the shock of the announcement's wearing off and the decisions won't be so immense once you have a starting point.

No she hasn't, Enrique, OP has quite clearly said that she thinks the man's job is more important. That's appalling.

I've no idea what boyfriend is like - only what OP has posted. I'm posting only to her based on what I would be telling my own (much loved) daughter were she in OP's position.

Lying we have read what the OP says differently.
She said, regarding the here and now

I have a job that I cannot leave (training in an extremely competitive industry and if I don't see out the next 18 months I would most likely never qualify into this career path - I have to stay and then I am excited to go visit and excited to have the chance to focus on my own career for a bit

Later on she said about being a bit of a traditionalist and the man's job coming first, but it was in the context of I'm not sure if i would want to leave the UK permanently, but if we were going to have kids and get married then i wouldnt rule anything out

I took that to mean there'd be a conversation as to what made the most sense for the relationship, the family and personal happiness and all of those things are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Keeping an open mind about the future and making decisions when and if you need to seems sensible enough to me.

Personally I would end the relationship. Not because of the long distance (although NZ to UK is challenging and I'd give it serious thought) but because of the changed plans. I also don't see what kind of career you could have that would possibly be accelerated significantly by working in NZ - and only NZ - for 9 months. Ilmy suspicion would be (as others have said) that NZ has got under his skin. I'd also find the paying of tent/storing the car thing more for his convenience than otherwise, and be annoyed if it were oresented differently.

However, I am not you. It sounds like you've made your decision. Just give it a go - you can always break up with him midway if you feel it's not working.