Please help me - DP and work - feel like my world has crashed around me

[redandwhiteview]

Hello Mumsnetters. I am a long time lurker, and have found the advice on MN to be really valuable to other posters. I'm here because I have reached a horrible 'decision moment' in my relationship, and I can't think straight or work out what I should do. I'm a mess.

My DP and I have been together for 3 years. The last 8 months he has worked in New Zealand intermittantly - I have seen him every 2 weeks on average and hehas been home for blocks of time like a month here and there. This led to me living along much of the time - a big change from living together full time previously. Even when he is back he often works away in the week throughout the UK. I found this hard. In April we had planned to 'settle' down, and he was going to massivley decrease trips aborad (ie go once every few months for a fortnight). I had been looking forward to this after the last 8 months which, quite frankly have been a huge struggle. It's not just having no real life together, but the time difference makes it so much harder, as does the inability to 'pop over' and visit, as you may well be able to do in Europe.

So last weekend we went to look at sofas etc for our new place. I have been so excited about this, and he knows that. I absolutely loved living with him in the past when we were settled without all this travelling, and I couldn't wait to go back to that. We discussed it last November and for me it has been a kind of count down to April.

Then last night, he calls me after work to tell me he has been offered a job for 9 months based in New Zealand full time. It's clear he wants to go. He sounded upset, conflcited but basically I knew he wanted to go. He got angry at one point and then apologised (it was as if my pain and hurt over this was an inconvennience to him that he couldnt be bothered to deal with). I said he should go if he wants to but I couldn;t understand why he would. I then cried and cried and begged him not to go. I then took back saying that and told him I would deal with it, but that it would have a huge impact on us, but ultimately I didn't want to stop him going.

I don't believe that relationships work when you force someone not to do something they want to do. Hence why I have said go if you want to. But I feel like my life is on hold - I waited months for his life to settle down and we both agreed on April as it would fit with his job. Now April is nearly here and he's essentially telling me he might be disappearing from my life until December.

We are in our late twenties. I have a job that I cannot leave (training in an extremely competitive industry and if I don't see out the next 18 months I would most likely never qualify into this career path - I have to stay). My DP would like the experience working full time in New Zealand. He doesn't need to do that job in New Zealand, however. He can do it in the UK, though it may take a little longer to get to that point.

How would you feel and what would you do? Has anyone ever succesfully got through something like this? Am I entitled to expect/want more from him? I feel so broken and don't know what to do.

Long distance relationships are easier now as phone calls are free via Skype or FaceTime and email is almost instantaneous.

DH and I are in different time zones half the year and DD and her DP are in different places all year and different time zones about half the year. Yet with lots of FaceTime and messaging everyone has hung in there.

I find it extra hard because we used to live together full time..then he has had to work away in the week more recently...and now this. In my mind it feels like loads of steps back
One thing you will never change in any relationship is that circumstances alter in life and things crop up. It's how you deal with those changes that counts.

Life isn't always on a steady and progressive trajectory, it has ups, downs, side steps and plateaus. It's good that you feel he's committed to you but you seem to take this opportunity as something solely for him and not that his speedier career progression will benefit you both in the future.

Any tips on how to make the time go faster? Do you think we will 'lose touch' and be unable to function conventially as a couple when he is back? I'm v worried about that part
Do you mean simply that time spent apart will cause you to drift apart? It's a fair concern but no one else can answer that for you. I think if that were to happen you would get a sense of it. Of course the same could be said for you here, that you could drift away from him and he could be suffering the same concerns. I don't think those kind of relationship problems happen in a committed couple though, more in a relationship that's insecure to start with.

Making the time go faster? I would say set up some routines, then you have benchmarks each week. Do your laundry and chores on set days or evenings, your study similarly and fix up something for each weekend. Regardless of whether it's work or play you won't find yourself thinking you're at a loose end.

I found it harder one time when DH was away all week and I had to cope alone with the DCs, which in itself was fine, but when he came back the routine was altered and just as I got used to that he was off again. It was actually easier when he was away for longer chunks of time. I just got on with it.

Also worried he wont want to come back and settle down
I wouldn't even think about that if you both love each other and you trust what he says. Of course it could happen, but for me that would be a bridge to cross only if I came to it.
Personally I'd be spending time on working out how to make the best of things for us both rather than dwelling on the negatives.

Would you consider moving to NZ to live with him once your training is done in 18 months if it came to that?

Thanks for all the replies...and enrique your info has been particularly helpful.

I would consider it, yes. I am a bit of a traditionalist and feel that the man's job should come first anyway, despite the fact that I have done well for myself in that regard anyway. I would never want him not to progres etc. I'm not sure if i would want to leave the UK permanently, but if we were going to have kids and get married then i wouldnt rule anything out.

I'm starting to look at this in a positive way... maybe it ispossible he will come back and feel he has exhausted the overseas work? Maybe....?! Or perhaps that is wishful thinking.

Thank you, that's nice to know.

For what it's worth it feels to me as though you're in, or have been in a negative frame of mind which is based on shock.
You thought everything was planned out and were looking forward to it all going ahead, rightly so and now you're faced with an unexpected and fairly dramatic change.

You're beginning to see that things not going smoothly like that isn't necessarily a sign of relationship breakdown and so you're now more open to finding ways of making it work.

Just remember that nothing is a given in life, but you decide together to achieve the best for both of you.

I really hope it all pans out well for you both

I am a bit of a traditionalist and feel that the man's job should come first anyway, despite the fact that I have done well for myself in that regard anyway.

Could you think for a while about what you want from life, independently of any man and his life. See where that thinking takes you.

FFS - please don't throw your career away just for a man. I don't know what you do, but if it's as competitive as you say, you must have worked really hard to achieve it. Stop trying to justify a decision on the basis of being a 'traditionalist' (whatever the fuck that means) and have the gumption to stand on your own two feet.

Sorry. I hadn't finished. You really, really, really can't afford to let some bloke who may or may not commit to you dictate your future.

Make sure that you work for your own career, your own future and your own benefits - you are very vulnerable in the next few years if you rely on your future being dictated by your boyfriend - especially if you are already unsure about his level of commitment to you.

You are in charge of your own destiny. It might feel hard. But you are. Don't let someone else dictate what happens to your or your career.

OP, who knows what will happen in the future?, but as BIWI says, you must put your career first, as does your BF.

I find it interesting that all your worries are about what he is doing and deciding, you have made him so sure of you that he probably is not concerned that you might meet someone else or change your mind. OP, you might.

You are young, You haven't children together. You want to be on opposite sides of the world.

It can't work.

Let him go and find someone who wants the same things you do.

Sorry. It's shit.

I think if he wants to go he should. Nine months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. He shouldn't miss out on this opportunity. But in the long term you have to know if his future is in the UK or NZ.

It sounds as though NZ has got under his skin. I would not bank on him "getting it out of his system" in nine months. Unfortunately, it rarely works like that.

FFS why don't people actually RTFT before posting.

The OP is totally in charge of her own future.
The OP's partner is going abroad for 9 months but the OP is staying put to concentrate on her own career.

Stop with the It Can't Work rubbish, no one knows what can and will work, or what won't. I know people who got things out of their system and people who tried something new and confirmed that it was what they wanted long term, but who's to say how this will work out.

Everyone's relationship is different, people are different and no one has a crystal ball. People who never make a mistake never make anything at all.

Whatever you do, do not put his career before your own and do not move to NZ and have children with him there. You were contemplating ending the relationship a few hours ago!

I think it can work, but it might be hard along the way. The worst thing you could do IMO would be to stop him going, this could easily cause resentment as he watches you complete the training for the career you want whilst he misses out on what he could see as his big chance.

Nine months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, like you have already mentioned there is the chance to spend holidays together in that time. Book your first holiday to go out and see him, then the total time won't be so daunting knowing that you will be seeing him in x weeks time.

I've had two LDRs. One worked, and the other didn't. In one, we "stayed together" while I went away, and in the other we "broke up."

Leaving aside the differing nature of the two men, I think that the one which did work (we're now married, with two children) worked because we were supposedly not obliged to one another, but we freely still wanted one another when I came back.

Another thing to consider is the nature of the parting breakup. Wouldn't it be better to part amicably, at a controlled time, with the chance of recommitting to the relationship, without damage from whatever may have happened in the nine months, than risk a high-pressure, uncontrolled long-distance breakup, which would ruin even your friendship? (Remember that even if one of you "breaks up honourably, face to face," during this period, one of you will be horribly jet-lagged from the journey, and likely to lose it).

The fact that he's leaving his car and other things at "home" in the joint flat don't signify commitment. For one thing, he'd have to store everything somewhere (paying to do so), and for another thing, those goods could become either a resented responsibility for you (if you broke up, or if he decided to stay, you'd have to sell the car, send him possessions, etc.), or hostages in an awful breakup.

I'm not saying you will never get back together, but beg you to make freedom and possible re-commitment a central part of this nine-month period.

I'm afraid it sounds like you are talking yourself round to accepting anything. I worry about your own needs being subjugated while you "make house" for him while he is away having a blast.

If you are going to try this I would set out your boundaries very clearly. I think it will be very, very difficult for the two of you in separate time zones to make this work.

Have a look at the relationship threads on here to see how hard it is to conduct normal relationships. I adore my dh and him me, but I wouldn't be 100% sure he wouldn't take the opportunity to have a totally anonymous fling in a foreign country with virtually no chance of being busted.

It can work, OP. It may be even good for your relationship.

If it is one to last, it will last.

We had a year long long distance relationship, other end of the country, not the world though before we got married.

He started a job there, I finished uni in our old town. It was fine. I had time to concentrate on my studies, also worked part time.
We saw each other every 2-3 weeks.

All sorts of arrangements can work. I don't see it as him choosing work over you. You've been together 3 years, haven't been living together for that time either. He would be stupid not to take this chance, tbh. You both want careers, and probably a family. This could be a fast track for him up the career ladder.
I would not feel comfortable to deny him this chance.

She's not talking herself into accepting anything, she is focusing on the positive aspects, if which there are several - she can set up the flat the way she wants, she can concentrate fully on her own career and training, she will know where she stands from week to week, she can look forward to the trips to see her DP.

OP, Enrique talks so much sense. Listen to her and not all the hard nosed cynics. You both want to establish your careers but there is also obviously a lot of hope for the relationship too.

In my experience, putting your DP's career first could cause resentment in the future, so be careful about doing that. But it can open doors too, as one good career in a family might allow scope for the other person to be a SAHP or work part time if that is what they want etc.

It does sound as if your DP enjoys travel and adventure, which, if you don't, can put a bit of pressure on you, so you need to be prepared to deal with that if you are a little bit mismatched in that respect. But as Enrique says, theres no point in worrying about what might happen in the future. Deal with now.

I don't think your DP is putting his career before you. He just doesn't see it as as big a conflict as you do. He is clearly quite independent, which you could argue is a healthy thing. This is just my personal opinion, but it is possible for couples to be too reliant on each other being together all the time, and seeing this is 'commitment'. Being your own person rather than half of a whole gives you, I think, the power to choose how to compromise or support the other person, and be comfortable taking the lead and expecting compromise back if the circumstances demand it.

Good luck. Nine months isn't a long time.

OP... your post leave me cold. You're both very young and you're clinging to him like some kind of limpet, so much that he's promising you things that you know deep down he may not honour. He's now saying that he can use his car, he'll pay some of the rent and you can see each other. I think you need to prepare for the likelihood of what you just don't want to face or think about.

Your life is here, he's going to be building a (temporary) life in NZ. He's going to meet new people - as are you. You are at serious risk of becoming 'half a person' as you bend and stretch to accommodate him. If you were my daughter, I would be counselling you to use the time to make your life interesting here in the UK, to find some new interests to fill your time. Not to let your own life stagnate whilst you pine - so that if he comes home you're still clinging to him and making him your everything. He will have grown in the time he's away - it's important that you do too. That way, you will both have new experiences to discuss and to share and if he's going to commit to you - and you to him - it won't be because either of you is dependent on the other for their life.

I'm sorry that you feel upheaval in your life at the moment; please think about how you would feel if he was clingy and making your last weeks/months miserable in preparation for you to go away for work. Don't be that person.

From someone who started by saying that she was progressing in a competitive career to saying that she puts a man's career first sounds like talking around to me.

And I don't think you can dismiss everyone whose opinion differs from your own as a cynic. I would call myself a realist. He has promised that he will settle before - this is a change of goal posts and at least deserves some level of scepticism about his commitment. As someone said upthread it may be convenient for him to get the op to look after her stuff. He may have every intention of coming back and settling down, or he may be keeping his options open. We don't know.

I am concerned for the op and would hope that she doesn't accept any crumbs from him in the hope he will come back and they can resume things unchanged.

I agree with the other posters who have suggested that you keep your options open, draw clear boundaries and try not to spend the time he is away pining and homemaking for someone who has not yet shown the same level of commitment to you.

I wish you all the best.

Cross post lying! You said it much better than me.

I thunk Lying and I are saying similar things, albeit with a different conclusion. When I talked about his independence being a good thing, i want you too should be more independent. Be your own person as much as you are his girlfriend (which echoes what Lying says)

I have tried and failed to keep something going with someone while separated by this exact distance (Well, Europe / NZ). Perhaps that's the reason for my scepticism.

But- what is the point of a boyfriend you can't hold, love, see, go out with? When you're not even thirty and have no reason to, why go such a long time without sex, companionship, etc? I tend to think nearly a year of abstinence at that stage of life is a bit of a crime, but that's just me.

I'd make a clean break- no obligations either way- and reassess if/when he comes back ready to settle down. He is not the only man in the world and- I dunno. All this "one true love" stuff is nice but...

NZ, which beautiful in some parts, has many drawbacks: low wages, earthquakes, stupidly high cost of living and a huuuuuge distance from anywhere... the OP should seriously consider all that if she is thinking about potentially upping sticks there in the future. What might suit a young man whose job sends him out installing cables in the beautiful Coromandel [for example] might be less than ideal for his wife living in a dingy house in Hamilton- which is what they can afford on one wage, since there were no job prospects for her there- stuck watching John Campbell's dopey ears bouncing around on TV3 every evening. [By way of example.]

OP I think the most significant point for me is that you already had a plan, now it's changed and there doesn't seem to be any indication that your partner would even discuss the possibility of not going. He's presented you with a fait accomplice. In your shoes I would maintain living independently so that you are not left with any financial commitments you can't afford should it transpire he can't afford to pay his share or if he decides not to come back. I would also make sure you agree beforehand your boundaries. Eg are you both staying fully committed or would you prefer to take a break? What about new friendships you both may make? I'd also say that if you do decide you're fully together that you set up a plan for when you're going to skype, call or whatever and stick to it. The time difference means that there's a much smaller window, plus missing a few calls etc can lead to the things I think you're worried about like lack of connection or feeling less prioritised. Up to you in the end, but that's what I'd do.