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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I confront him?

58 replies

Weatherwoman · 23/02/2015 09:15

2 years ago DH sent me a text in error. Long story short...I subsequently discovered that he was texting/messaging 3 women. I've been reading his phone ever since and it's become a bit of an obsession. I don't think he has had any physical relationship with any of them (but not absolutely sure). He knows 2 of them but the third is an unknown who he must have met online. I don't think he has ever met her. I have never seen any encouragement back from the other two.

We have a lovely life, do lots together and a rosy future ahead. We have been married for over 30 years. I don't want to spoil anything but I also don't want him to go too far and spoil anything.

I'm on the brink of asking him about it but can't quite bring myself to show my hand. I haven't seen any new messages for about 3 weeks now.

Anyone had the same situation? ??

OP posts:
JackieJay83 · 23/02/2015 19:13

I doubt it, we're fairly comfortable in our own skins, but carry on with knee-jerk reactions if you find them helpful...

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 19:27

show him what you are doing then

JackieJay83 · 23/02/2015 19:33

I wouldn't want to show him, but I tell him who I'm chatting to on FB and i'm quite sure he's capable of grabbing my phone or tablet when I go for a wee or something. It's just a little fun and I'm SURE Dp is just as bad with his female friends

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 19:35

perhaps he trusts you enough to not grab your phone to look at your conversations

anyway, I am sure you know what you are doing

FWIW, flirting online with ex partners would be a deal breaker for lots pf people. Why do you think you feel the need to do it ?

JackieJay83 · 23/02/2015 19:44

DP knows I'm in touch with an old and very happily married Ex. Would anyone on here want every text and FB message to be read by their other halves? The bottom line is that nothing I do online is relationship-threatening or gussett-moistening; we both like a flirt and a laugh and we try to let each other be themselves. Constant distrust is more harmful IMHO...

Joysmum · 23/02/2015 19:51

Doesn't bother what my DH reads. He knows how I feel about things so nothing to hide ...except around birthdays and Xmas Smile

alicemalice · 23/02/2015 19:55

Jeez, Jackie! I'm sure he wouldn't be happy at all if he knew what you were doing.

JackieJay83 · 23/02/2015 19:59

You're SURE are you? Because you know us so well. Welcome to judgementnet...

mammadiggingdeep · 23/02/2015 20:01

If its not a problem then why doesn't he know that you flirt with the ex jackie?

He may know you talk, but he doesn't know you flirt. If its an open relationship, fair play to you if it makes you happy. Most people would feel their other half flirting online with an ex was disrespectful.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 20:05

you said you were sure he would be happy if he knew the content of your conversations with an ex and a male work colleague

yet, you don't want him to see them

and you not-so-subtly excuse your behaviour by saying he is probably doing the same

it's one way to live, I suppose

what do you get out of it, Jackie ? Do these men have partners ? How about you bring it all out into the open, if it's so harmless ?

it's the secrecy you get off on though, no different than the charming individual in the op

if it wasn't damaging to someone all these flirty conversations would be open for all the interested parties to make their own minds up about, yeah ?

JackieJay83 · 23/02/2015 20:09

He DOES know I flirt and we both flirt when we're out, at times. Maybe it's definitions? Flirting to me is harmless and empowering. I'm not Sexting, i'm not describing what I want to do to the other person, but I'm having a laugh and some of it is mildly sexual, in a Nudge-Nudge sort of way. DP manages a team of young women at work and is open about the fact that they wind each other up. We've both been hurt in the past and we wouldn't do that to each other, but we're not going to be dull and clingy, either...

Cabrinha · 23/02/2015 20:14

"empowering"
Hmm you're funny.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 20:16

Jackie....do you think then that the op is being "dull and clingy" by objecting to what her husband has been doing ?

I am struggling to see why you have posted about your "perfectly harmless flirting" otherwise.

JackieJay83 · 23/02/2015 20:18

Just saying what works for us is all

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 20:19

How does that help Op Confused

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 20:22

as it happens, I wouldn't normally bat an eyelash at what you have posted here Jackie. I don't care who you flirt with and what you get out of it. It seemed to me though that you were trying to tell the Op she is wrong to be upset by how her husband is treating her

her husband of over 30 years

how do you think that might make her feel ?

mammadiggingdeep · 23/02/2015 20:23

So there's no inbetween...it's either be happy that you and your dp flirt with the opposite sex in private communications OR be dull and clingy.

JackieJay83 · 23/02/2015 20:24

Flirting CAN be harmless. I've been in a relationship in which every time you were looked at by another man you were about to have sex with them and it's horrible. Having a laugh but always staying faithful is nicer and may be what's happening with OP

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 20:26

but she isn't comfortable with that, Jackie

she is of a different generation to you, I am guessing (is 1983 your year of birth ?)

men who have been married for over 30 years have no business messaging other women behind their wife's back...no matter how anyone else tries to dress it up as "harmless"

JackieJay83 · 23/02/2015 20:31

I stick by the point that a little flirting isn't necessarily relationship threatening, but I can only make that point so often, so I'm gonna pour some wine and watch the second Corrie. Sorry I couldn't help...

Roseformeplease · 23/02/2015 20:35

Any chance we could help the OP?

Usually brilliant advice on here.

I have limited experience of this kind of thing, but know how hard at would take this, and how it would eat away at me. I would not tolerate this and would want it talked about, and stopped.

Vivacia · 23/02/2015 20:41

If the flirting is harmless, why hide it from your partner?

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 20:43

OP how you doing ?

Original poster
Weatherwoman · 23/02/2015 20:51

Christ! I'm exhausted reading all this!
It's like waking up in a nest of magpies!
It does appear that individuals all have a completely different take on another person's situation, which really isn't surprising as we all have our own values. I think I will dip out now and stick to my own values. Some of you have been brilliant and some have almost made me doubt my own sanity but thank you all for your time. I'm actually more confused now than I was when I entered this space. But I have learnt that it is only YOU who can decide what is the best course of action for YOU.

THANK YOU MUMSNET XXXX

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 23/02/2015 20:54

I hope you find some sort of resolve OP. It's a pity that the last page and a half have been all about someone else.

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