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Original poster

Should I confront him?

58 replies

Weatherwoman · 23/02/2015 09:15

2 years ago DH sent me a text in error. Long story short...I subsequently discovered that he was texting/messaging 3 women. I've been reading his phone ever since and it's become a bit of an obsession. I don't think he has had any physical relationship with any of them (but not absolutely sure). He knows 2 of them but the third is an unknown who he must have met online. I don't think he has ever met her. I have never seen any encouragement back from the other two.

We have a lovely life, do lots together and a rosy future ahead. We have been married for over 30 years. I don't want to spoil anything but I also don't want him to go too far and spoil anything.

I'm on the brink of asking him about it but can't quite bring myself to show my hand. I haven't seen any new messages for about 3 weeks now.

Anyone had the same situation? ??

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/02/2015 09:21

You've been reading his messages for two years???!!! If there's one thing that kills relationships stone dead it's mistrust rather than infidelity. I think your 'lovely life' is already spoiled by mistrust and it's not going to be helped by keeping on invading his privacy. At some point you both have to start being honest with each other.

littleleftie · 23/02/2015 09:23

Sorry do you mean he has been messaging these women for two years?

RandomNPC · 23/02/2015 09:25

You have a 'rosy future ahead'? I sincerely doubt it.

Original poster
Weatherwoman · 23/02/2015 10:06

Well. On and off for two years and not all the time. It's gone on so long because I think it's finished then there will be another one. There hasn't been anything to one of them for ages (6 months at least). Also I think its him making the running not the women. One of them he just messages every now and again.

OP posts:
00100001 · 23/02/2015 10:10

what kind of messages?

hellsbellsmelons · 23/02/2015 10:14

You have a lovely life?
Really?
Checking up on your cheating husband is hardly a lovely life.
Are you really OK with him messaging and chasing after women?
You are prepared to put up with this shite for 'a lovely life'
Wow!
I think this guy has done a real number on you.
Most people would have tackled it as it happened.
Not sat on it and watch it unravel for 2 years.
I think this is the tip of the iceberg.

Joysmum · 23/02/2015 10:15

Have you ever talked to him about this?

Lucylloyd13 · 23/02/2015 10:16

Thirty years wed is a long time. It is possible for both parties to get in a rut, and wonder...

Maybe this is just fantasy, and the thrill of the chase. But maybe you are in for the shock of your life.

A bit of flirting safe in the boundaries of a strong marriage may be harmless, or it may signal other hidden issues.

What would I do, I would try shock tactics. "You seem to be quite friendly with Julie, Emma and Christine- there is nothing in it is there?" And see what he says.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/02/2015 10:24

You've got a few choices. Either you tell him that you know what he's up to and that you're deeply unhappy about it. Or.... you could simply stop reading the messages, try to forget about it, decide that you're happy with sharing him and carry on as normal. Or.... you keep torturing yourself reading his texts and waiting for the day when one of his targets agrees to meet up for a shag.

If you go for the first one I suggest you get your ducks in a row first. What do you want to happen as a result of the confrontation? Counselling? An apology? Separation? Anticipate what other responses might be. Have a plan what you might do depending on how things turn out, up to and including the worst case scenario.

Ilikemashpotatoe · 23/02/2015 14:52

Did he know that he'd sent the message to you? Did you confront him about it then or has this literally gone on this long and you've not said anything?
I can't imagine how you would be ok with this? You must be getting a lot out of the relationship to stay with someone who clearly isn't being the trustworthy partner that he should be.
YOU won't be spoiling anything by confronting him. He's already spoiled the relationship by talking to other women, possibly hoping for more. Like you said he's the one doing the running.
If I'd found something similar on my partners phone I wouldn't be able to control my anger/hurt and would definitely have to confront him.
You're obviously worried about upsetting him and "spoiling" things but seriously, do you want to be treated this way?!

Original poster
Weatherwoman · 23/02/2015 15:37

Thanks everyone. I know I sound pathetic but we have been together a long time and we really do still have a great time together. I think I haven't confronted him because this way I can pretend it isn't happening. However, it has become an obsession so I need to do something about it. Just need to get my act together!

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 23/02/2015 15:42

What is the context of the messages from him? Is it just friendly stuff, or are they flirtatious or outright chasing for sex?

You said that none of the women have ever encouraged him but I find it odd that if he is being flirty they have just carried on texting back regardless.

CatKitten · 23/02/2015 15:53

You have a lovely life?
Really?

I think this means "we've been together a long time and everyone looks at us and thinks we have a lovely life because we aren't divorced". It probably also means "I am financially comfortable thanks to my husband and I don't want to rock my financially-comfortable-lovely-life boat".

Not that there is anything wrong with that mind you, but if you've been checking up on him for 2 years that's hardly lovely.

Drew64 · 23/02/2015 16:15

I don't think it's very helpful to pour scorn and to critisise this womans relationship. I think it's a bit unfair.

Weatherwoman;
Even though there have been no messages for sometime you obviously feel stongly enough about it to post in here. Because you feel like that I think it's time you sat down and had a private talk about it with your husband. Before you do so though you need to think about what you are prepared to accept as CogitoErgoSometimes suggested. At least then, when you have in your head what you are prepared to accept, you will know how to approach it.

The content of the messages is important too. If they are of a sexual nature do you think you could take over? Is it something you would be interested in?

You say there has not been any communication for sometime, is it possible you have been busted and the messaging is now secret?

Talk! don't bottle it up. It does not have to be confrontational.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/02/2015 16:20

Take over? That assumes that the DH is chatting up all these women because the OP is falling short in some way. Let's not wheel out that old chestnut....

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 16:31

For God's sake, could we please refrain from advising op to attempt to compete with the women her husband is sexy-messaging with

OP don't do the pick me dance ....it is humiliatign and degrading and will make you feel worse than you already do

how old are you if you don't mind me asking ? Were you brought up to believe that men are entitled to look for a bit of "excitement" if their life gets a bit humdrum and that women should STFU about it if they know what is good for them ?

I see it that you have 2 options

  1. confront and tell him it stops now or you are walking (I don't think you are anywhere near this or you would have done it by now)

  2. confront and tell him that this hitherto unilateral open relationship is now open season and you will now take the opportunity to find your own fun outside of the marriage

There is a 3rd scenario which is that you stay schtum to hang onto your marriage. Some Stepford Wife types do that for the soft furnishings they get very fond of. I don't consider it an "option" though.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 16:41

oh, and btw, you are likely to get much more "action" than he is Smile

Original poster
Weatherwoman · 23/02/2015 16:48

OK.
I'm in my late 50s.
No I don't believe that he has the right to a bit of excitement on the side
We have an active sex life
The messages range in content depending who they are to, but are not appropriate for him to be saying to another women when he is married to me. I'm not typing them on here...you never know who is reading that might recognise them!
I am going to confront him....I just needed a push!

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 23/02/2015 16:57

Op...

You don't need to get YOUR act together at all! You talk more about your actions (checking his phone and whether to confront) than his.

He has been inappropriately texting more than 1 female outside of your relationship. 30 years married and he's doing that to you. That makes him disrespectful and utterly selfish.

What do you consider to be cheating? Would you be ok as long as its not physical?

When you confront, he is unlikely to be honest. Will you be able to believe him if he tells you he'll stop? What do you need to hear from him to make this ok? Can it be ok? What's your deal breaker?

Flowers for you, he's been an arse and you don't deserve it.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 17:21

have you had a think about what to do if

  1. he outright lies

  2. he minimises what he has done

  3. he tries to turn it around on you for being a paranoid snooper that is wrecking your relationship (you are not, btw)

  4. he says you haven't been paying him enough attention

  5. he admits it all and says he wants out of the marriage

any combination of the above is possible (and I have probably omitted a few)

I am glad you have finally decided to do something about this. You don't deserve to force yourself to stand by like some sort of mute onlooker while he disrespects your marriage vows

JackieJay83 · 23/02/2015 17:37

I flirt online with an old work colleague and an ex-bf. I wouldn't DREAM of going any further with either of them. DP isn't (as far as I know) aware of this and I wouldn't appreciate being confronted about it - irrational I know - but I think we all need a few secrets to keep life interesting

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 17:44

I am pleased not to be married to someone like you, Jackie

mammadiggingdeep · 23/02/2015 18:00

You say interesting I say deceitful jackie.

JackieJay83 · 23/02/2015 18:04

The feeling's mutual, AF...

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 19:07

let's hope your DP doesn't find out, Jackie

or you might find he is also someone who wouldn't tolerate such blatant piss taking too