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Original poster

AIBU that my brother didn't immediately agree to take my DD if me or her Dad died?

65 replies

IfuckingHateIkea · 22/02/2015 23:37

I saw a thread somewhere else on MN about what would happen to your DC if you died. This reminded me that about a year ago I was setting up a will and had to decide who would have my DD if both myself and my ex (her dad) passed away. I asked my brother if he would take her and he said that he wasn't sure. He said he would have to discuss it with his then fiancee (now wife) first. I was quite hurt and disappointed about this but don't know if IABU. If it was the other way round (he actually doesn't have children) I would say yes as the other option would be adoption into another family. He never got back to me. Just wanted to know what other people thought.

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/02/2015 23:41

You asked an absoloutely massive favour of him then got narked that he would have to think about it? Of course you are being unreasonable.

Maybe he doesnt have kids because he doesnt want them? If so, taking on someone elses would probably be the last thing he would want.

Sorry but I am aghast at your reaction to it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/02/2015 23:43

It's quite a big request. How old was he at the time? Of course you'd like to think that anyone would be delighted to give a home to their orphaned nephews, but young, single men can be selfish. Are there no other candidates? Grandparents? Your DH's family?

handfulofcottonbuds · 22/02/2015 23:51

It is a huge responsibility and his response in saying he would need to give it some thought just shows that he was taking it seriously and wanted to make the right decision.

What did you decide to do in the end if this was a year ago?

FWIW, this whole subject is emotive as it is a life changing consideration for all involved.

I was extremely hurt when I agreed to take on my niece and nephew in the event of my DSis' and BIL's death. When my STBXH left, my DSis then asked my DB and his DW to be guardians instead, without telling me.

Iflyaway · 22/02/2015 23:54

Well of course he would have had to discuss it with the wife!

I would not be impressed if mine came home with a done deal done and dusted without consulting with me on such a major life-changing decision.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/02/2015 23:57

I was stunned when we asked SIL and she said yes without discussing it with or ever telling her DH. Fact is that she would take DD even if her DH said no. But I was very freaked out. I would definitely have spoken to DH before agreeing to take any children in.

BerylStreep · 23/02/2015 00:00

Yes, I agree that he would have had to discuss it with his wife.

To accept responsibility for a child is a huge decision.

My DSis was potentially extremely ill last year (thankfully she is ok now), but I had many sleepless nights thinking about the implications of taking responsibility of her 2 DC. Of course I would have wanted to do it, but it wouldn't have just been my decision, and it would have had a huge impact on our family life.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 23/02/2015 00:01

Sorry but yabu. We never even asked my very nice db. He'd divorced with a long term girlfriend but it isn't his thing despite him keeping a really close bond with his much older DD. He isn't in the right place. We agreed a mutual pact with cousins who are lovely people with DC of the same sort of age as ours.

AlpacaMyBags · 23/02/2015 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

avocadotoast · 23/02/2015 00:09

YABU. It's a huge thing to ask of someone, to take on responsibility for someone else's children for their entire lives.

zippey · 23/02/2015 00:11

Him thinking about it tells you that he was taking the decision seriously and thinking about the implications.

Its a positive thing.

Mom2K · 23/02/2015 03:04

I think it's good that he decided to take the time to think about it, and agree that it is definitely something to discuss with his wife.

However I would feel as if he fobbed me off by the fact that he then never got back to me. You asked him this question a year ago - he said he needed to talk to his wife...and then never came back with an answer. I think that's so rude, to just ignore & bury such a serious question. I would be hurt by that and not the fact he needed to discuss it with someone else first.

MaudeLebowski · 23/02/2015 03:07

I'd need weeks to consider taking someone else's kid in. Finances! The effect it would have on your own family!

An instant decision would be so unwise.

Meerka · 23/02/2015 07:58

Yes he'd need time.

It would be highly irresponsible to say Yes immediately. If you take on a grieving child, it's a very big responsibility. He'd need time to firstly to get his own head around it and secondly to discuss it with his gf/wife. Then they'd need to plan.

You wouldn't want your child to end up an unwelcome child with an unwilling aunt-by-marriage. Not discussing it and giving her time to decide for herself would be a really bad start to your bereaved child's future life. Believe me, unprepared and unwilling guardians usually suck.

Your brother was sensible here. If he picked up that you were put out by not getting an immediate Yes, it isn't surprising he hasn't got back to you. It's a very sensitive request and needs to be handled sensitively. If he and his wife felt unable to take on the huge responsibility - there aren't any bigger ones - they would have realised you wouldn't take it gracefully.

Chertsey · 23/02/2015 08:11

The only way anyone could say "yes of course" to that question without discussing it with their partner would be if they were thinking, "I'll worry about that if it happens" , which might mean you could go through life thinking your Dc had someone if the worst happened but the reality could be very different.

How would you feel if DP agreed to take on someone else's kids without even mentioning it to you?

BathtimeFunkster · 23/02/2015 08:21

I can understand why you are a bit hurt, but the thing is what you asked is actually huge.

Not because it was too much to ask, but because it is a massive responsibility

I think you should see his response as a massive positive in his favour - he took your request seriously, gave it some real thought, and then said yes.

You can feel more confident in that than in a sentimental "oh yes, of course" that hasn't considered it.

I agreed to do this for my brother's kids and I found it all a bit tough - having to imagine your own sibling's early death is not at all fun :(

Tinofroses · 23/02/2015 08:26

I'm actually written down as guardian for 3 different sets of family members , I've told them all that they as adults are not allowed to travel together in case of a tradegy or I would be like cheaper by the dozen here

Trapper · 23/02/2015 08:29

I would avoid dying. Just to be on the safe-side.

middlings · 23/02/2015 08:29

I can totally understand why he needed time. My single sister leapt at the idea when I asked her if she would take DD1 if the worst happened. When she realised 16 months later that she'd come as a package with DD2 she went a bit pale .

cozietoesie · 23/02/2015 08:46

I wouldn't be despondent about it. It's a very big issue indeed if your brother has taken it seriously - and not getting back to you may simply mean that he's not sure how to bring the subject back up without sounding a bit 'off'.

We may, ourselves, be a slightly odd family in that we're all very orientated to final arrangements (we're all forever writing wills and disposing of property/making future funeral arrangements/appointing executors etc etc) but I know that many people aren't like that and don't find it easy to discuss death in a family setting - he may be one of those.

Alternatively, he and his wife may have decided that they don't want to do it for whatever reason. So be it but you'd then have to identify new potential arrangements.

I'd just ask him if they had come to a decision - perhaps tagged on to a conversation about something else ?

fruitloopsandfruitshoots · 23/02/2015 08:47

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I appreciate that it would be a massive thing if it did happen, but so would dealing with the death of you and your partner, so everything would be up in the air for quite some time. My DB wouldn't need to ask me to have his DC, and I know I wouldn't need to check with DH if he did ask (confirmed by me just asking him and him being shocked that I thought I would even need to ask because of course we'd have my DB's children). I also know I don't need to ask DB to have my DC if I die, he would do it in a heartbeat. To be honest, i'm not sure i'd want anyone to have my DC if they responded with their head rather than their heart, that may be irresponsible, but in the event that my DC lost both parents, i'd want someone to want them as much as we do.

sonjadog · 23/02/2015 08:48

When my brother asked me if I would take on my niece if they died, I needed to think about it. That's because I took it very seriously. I'm a single woman with no children of my own and I live far away from them, so my niece would have to leave behind everything familiar if she came to live with me. I also asked them several times if they were sure they really wanted me to take her and not friends who have children of the same age and live locally. They were sure it was me they wanted and I said yes.

It took a while and I asked questions because I take my niece's wellfare very seriously and I want the best for her. It was never because I don't care or don't want her. I sincerely hope my niece will grow up in her family, but if I have it in he back of my head all the time how she would fit in if she ended up here.

nooyearnooname · 23/02/2015 08:53

I have to say I would be very wary of taking on my DNs if anything happened to DB / SIL. They are a real handful and I think it would be DPs worst nightmare, I don't think our relationship would survive it.

So I can well understand your brother's reluctance especially if he was shortly to be married, could have been very offputting for his wife to be if she's not keen on children!

SoupDragon · 23/02/2015 08:55

How did you go about deciding to have children? Did you just have them or did you think about what would be the right time? Did you discuss it with your partner or just make the decision yourself?

ShadowSpiral · 23/02/2015 08:59

Taking on someone else's children is a massive responsibility and not something to be taken lightly. It's completely appropriate to take some time to think about whether you could do it and how you could make it work if the worst was to happen. I also think it's unreasonable to expect him to agree to this without getting his partner on board with the idea first.

I'd probably ask him if they've talked about it and made a decision by now, though.

middlings · 23/02/2015 09:42

I agree with the PP who said your brother might not know how to bring it up again - the other thing that occurs is do you know if your DB and DSIL are having fertility issues? The prospect of looking after other people's children might be a lot to deal with if that's the case.

We also are a "planning" family - my management of my parents affairs should they become unable to do so is in place, we have wills, we have financial instruments in place so that my sister would be able to care for our DDs, I insisted on having mortgage protection insurance in place when we bought our home. DH knows EXACTLY what I want to happen should I become incapacitated and vice versa - and how I want my remains disposed of. But not everyone is so clear. I watched my parents care for very elderly and infirm parents for a very long time and then deal with messy badly planned estates. I want none of that for my family, and my parents are very clear they want none of that for us.

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