AIBU that my brother didn't immediately agree to take my DD if me or her Dad died?

[IfuckingHateIkea]

I saw a thread somewhere else on MN about what would happen to your DC if you died. This reminded me that about a year ago I was setting up a will and had to decide who would have my DD if both myself and my ex (her dad) passed away. I asked my brother if he would take her and he said that he wasn't sure. He said he would have to discuss it with his then fiancee (now wife) first. I was quite hurt and disappointed about this but don't know if IABU. If it was the other way round (he actually doesn't have children) I would say yes as the other option would be adoption into another family. He never got back to me. Just wanted to know what other people thought.

I think YABU to expect an immediate decision. If I was to become guardian of my nieces I'd have to most likely pack in my job. I'd also have to leave my flat and move to where they live. And go from being single, independent and childless to being a single parent. I'd do it mind you without a second thought but it would be an absolutely massive change in every aspect for me so I can totally understand someone needing time to think before agreeing

We have always had my parents down to have the dc should anything happen but in recent years their health has deteriorated and we reassessed. When we originally made our wills, our siblings were all young, free, single and we didn't feel able to ask them. Now SIL is married and planning her own family, we decided that we'd like to name her and her DW in our will. We went out for dinner and asked them. We insisted they take a few weeks to think about it and to say no if they wanted to. We were very clear that we wanted them to say no if it was too much. It's a huge request. Both wanted to agree on the spot, but we still insisted.

If I was asked, I would have to sit down and talk about it very carefully with DH first.

I think it's good that he wanted to think about it. You want them to seriously consider whether they feel they can give a growing child/children everything they need into adulthood. And if they can't, it is right that they say no.

I think the other thing to consider is that you don't know people's plans. We have plans to move away from England and we're actively working towards this. We don't discuss this with our family atm because it's another 6 years down the line. So if my brother asked me, it would have a direct impact on our future and while I'd have my nieces in a heartbeat, my brother needs to know that we will already be hundreds of miles away or we will moving them to another country with us somewhere down the line. He might not want that. It's a massive undertaking and it's not about gut reaction but about the practicalities.

I think it's wise to take time to consider.

We were asked to be godparents to my husbands best friend from school's third child. We both said we would be honoured.

However, I really regret that decision. We don't want kids. We don't like kids all that much, and we are not financially or physically in a position to care for a child.

My husband is also godparent to the same mates older two children, from his mate's first marriage...

I personally feel a conversation will now need to take place...

Being godparents has absolutely nothing to do with guardianship of children.

It doesn't mean anything much at all, to be honest, unless you are religious and really take that side of it seriously with guiding them in the church etc.

YABU Children are such an enormous responsibility. I have to think really carefully before I even ask my brother to babysit when I need to do something important.
I think by saying he'll think about it he's being realistic.

He could agree to be their guardian and to help them out financially, and to always be there for them, if anything happened to you. But full time, full-on care? That's too much.

Wow, YABVVU.

Of course he needed time to speak with his partner because presumably your DB and his partner share a house so if your children went to live with him, they'd live with her also.

My DSis asked me whether I'd have her children if her and her partner died and I said no for various reasons. She hasn't spoken to me in two years because of it.

children are not bits of furniture - you can't leave them to someone in a will . A guardian is the person you nominate to make the decisions about who will care for them, it doesn't have to be the person who will. It's someone you trust to make the best decision possible for your dc, in the best case scenario it's someone who will take care of them - but that's not always possible.

My SIL declined to be guardian for my dc - to be honest it revealed a streak of selfishness in her that became more evident as she got older. I was guardian for a friend's dd - not at all likely she would have lived with us, but my friend trusted me to make the best decisions for her. The same friend was named as guardian for our dc along with another old friend. You don't know what the best thing for a child will be at the time so you want someone able to make the right decision, not necessarily swoop in and take them. A friend's younger sibling went to live with a school friend when their mum died. He was doing A levels, she was at Uni, it made no sense to move him away from his home town and friends at that point. They had become a second family during her mother's illness anyway, but they were not his legal guardians.

Hell would have to freeze over before my nieces went into care - it wasn't something that I had to even think about, the answer would be yes.

I'm really surprised and shocked that so many people would let their nieces/nephews go into care following the death of both their parents - at a tragic, traumatic time like that DH and I (or me on my own, if DH said no - but he wouldn't) would do everything to make their great loss bearable by welcoming them into our family and working around whatever difficulties came our way - not stick them in foster care with strangers.

grumpasaur being godparent has nothing to do with being a guardian in the event of the death of the parents.

SirChenjin
I accept that neither my brothers nor my BIL or SIL would necessarily be able to take on my kids.

That is mainly because they all have their own families and I have 3 kids. It is an enormous ask of them to take them all in.

It is not something I want to think about, but it is an awful thought that they may need to be split up, between the family.

We have nominated my parents and my SIL to be their guardians, to see what is best for them, but I have no idea how it would all work out in the end. I am sure that as a family they would all sit down and work on it together.
If it was reversed, I am not at all sure I could take on my nieces and nephews. It would massively effect my own kids and not necessarily in a good way. My dh has said he would find it very hard to take on one niece in particular.

I wouldn't let them go into care, but it wouldn't by any means be straight forward.

Care never even crossed my mind. When I asked SIL and her DW, I wanted them to mull over whether they felt able to take on that responsibility and whether it affected their future plans to place that responsibility on them. It was opening the door to them saying 'well actually we're in the process of sorting visas to move to x far flung place and we're never coming back so if staying in the UK is important for your dc, then perhaps consider other relatives'.

If the choice was me taking a child or them going into care, I'd take the child every single time but I don't think that's what's being discussed.

I don't think anybody is talking about a straight decision between care and a certain relative.

Worth remembering that it isn't always the deceased parents' choice anyway. SIL's requests were rejected after her death.

We have 3 DCs, and my DSis also has 3. Whilst it wouldn't be easy, I still didn't have to think before I said yes.

It's true - the OP could have other options in her family. In my DSis's family there is no real alternative - it would be care.

SirChenjin

I think that that decries the many warm and caring foster parents that there are among us. There are people in my own extended family that I wouldn't trust with a pot-plant let alone a child's upbringing and a good fosterer would be infinitely preferable to one of those.

Much depends on circumstances I think.

I feel the same SirChenjin I wouldn't need time to consider it and in the unlikely event that it happened we would just cope.

YANBU OP

I am with SirChenjin on this. I don't have children yet myself but I do have two nephews. They would not go into care even if that meant the end of my relationship with DH. I don't need to even think about that. In my heart and mind there is no other option.

I can only speak for my own family. Cozie. There is no way that I would put them into care, and it isn't something that my DSis and Bil want. I imagine that the OP doesn't want it for her DC either, otherwise she wouldn't have asked her DBro.

If your family are such that you wouldn't trust them with a pot plant, then fair enough - don't ask them. The OP did, however - so presumably she trusts her Brother.

I think a traumatised child might well do better initially with experienced, kindly foster carers than dropped into the lap of our unprepared and frankly somewhat chaotic family.

I said yes when my brother asked. I was a bit shocked, to put it mildly, when he then said in return, 'We'd have your younger two if it came to it, but I need to tell you there's no way we'd cope with DS1.'

I would say yes on the spot but I understand the need to think it through and discuss it with a partner. I do think he was rude not to come back to you with an answer even if it was going to be a negative one.

I really doubt it Lance. A child who has lost both parents suddenly in tragic circumstances is going to need all the familiarity, love and support that family can give and strangers offering foster care can't. Providing, of course, that your family can be trusted with more than a pot plant.

Only some of them, to be fair.

There does seem, though, to be a fairly knee-jerk reaction to looking after family young 'uns if their parents are out of action for some reason. And it's not always a good idea given some of the scenarios we see around this site and in real life.

I would have no problems with someone having a long, hard think about all the implications. (I'd be doing that myself before asking.)

I would do it for my DSis and I would take SIL's DC too. But, I would be furious if DH agreed to do it without even mentioning it to me. I'd come round and we'd find a way to make it work if it became necessary, but of course your DB had to discuss it with his partner first.