AIBU that my brother didn't immediately agree to take my DD if me or her Dad died?

[IfuckingHateIkea]

I saw a thread somewhere else on MN about what would happen to your DC if you died. This reminded me that about a year ago I was setting up a will and had to decide who would have my DD if both myself and my ex (her dad) passed away. I asked my brother if he would take her and he said that he wasn't sure. He said he would have to discuss it with his then fiancee (now wife) first. I was quite hurt and disappointed about this but don't know if IABU. If it was the other way round (he actually doesn't have children) I would say yes as the other option would be adoption into another family. He never got back to me. Just wanted to know what other people thought.

I don't think it's a 'knee jerk reaction' at all to keep your much loved nieces and nephews out of the care system after the death of their parents. Losing a parent is bad enough - losing both and then being shunted off into care must be awful (again, providing your family is a caring, supportive one). I would fight tooth and nail for that not to happen to my DNieces.

I applaud you for that love, then, SirC - I'm just not certain that it's truly common among all eg aunts and uncles.

Which is very sad imo - again, presuming that the family is generally supportive.

I think I'm biased by watching the infinitely loving, gentle, wise household of a family here who have fostered tens of children (and adopted at least 9 of them) after some of the most traumatic events imaginable. They somehow radiate warmth, security and care, and you can see children gradually blossom there.

DS aged about 8 was quite tactlessly keen to know whether he could go to live with them if we ever fell under a bus.

YABU. I was orphaned and lived with family who didn't really want me. I respect that they did what they felt was their duty, but it was miserable.

My brother wouldn't take my dcs either if we died. He's a gay forty something who knows less than zero about raising kids. He's a great uncle but long term, daily care - not at chance! I know he'd give it a go but this isn't a Hollywood comedy, these are my dcs lives. In out case, godparents are to stand in for us in the event of any disaster. Although our dcs all have different godparents, they all know each other and I would assume they'd support each other if the worst happened. However DH and I have argued about wills since eldest dc was born and still don't have one - if the worse happens from now on, he's 16 and can deal with the younger dc along with my parents and parents in law.

And possibly I'm biased by having a friend who adopted 2 children after their Mum died when they were very young and who were shunted from one foster home to another, and not always together. It was extremely upsetting for them both. Or by 2 of my Mum's cousins who, despite there being 3 Aunts, were packed off to boarding school (I know it's not foster care) after their parents died by a family who refused to take them in - and were absolutely traumatised by the whole thing for their whole lives.

As I said - circumstances. You make the best decisions you can but you have to look realistically at the people you're dealing with.

And circumstances change. It's easy to say yes, I'll look after this adorable baby if something terrible happens, but what if by that time the baby is a troubled teenager, or you have a troubled teenager, or a child with special needs, or a chronic illness?

Then you work with those circumstances. That's what happens when you have children - and there are no guarantees with anything in life.

Hmmm, I would take my/our close relatives' children, in a beat. I don't see what's to discuss with DH. I wouldn't want to live with him knowing he's ok with those children being put into care. I would be worried sick about them.
I have only one child and I'm no earth mother, but the children come first. Always.

It's interesting to listen to people who are clearly thinking things through. I just wish that all parents did - I suspect we'd get a shock if we knew of the number of parents who have never considered their children's possible future care/made a will/taken out insurance/ etc etc. One would like to think that it was very small indeed but I fear that it may not be.

I hope the OP resolves their issue.

Bring a Godparent has no bearing on a decision like this. my nieces have 3 godparents each none are couples. For a start there's no way they would be split up. Being a Godparent is completely different to bring asked to be guardian to children

Why you think your brother should automatically become a parent to your dc if you passed is beyond me!

It's your expectation that is the problem not the fact you asked.

The thing about death is, it can happen to anyone at anytime.

Whilst it is good that people are thinking things over and giving careful consideration to future outcomes, make sure you take actual action. Get that will written, take out that life instance, discuss and agree future care for you children in the event of your death.

It probably will never happen ,but then again it just might , maybe when you least expect it.