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Original poster

Affair gone wrong - I know I deserve it

249 replies

Susannah4444 · 22/02/2015 22:41

I just wondered if you could help me out with this without being too judgmental. I am married with two children and recently began an affair with a colleague who is also married with two children.

We have been working together for two years. For the first eighteen months we just enjoyed each others company and flirted a little bit. He was suggestive a few times but I always told him that as much as I found him attractive, I would never have sex with him because we were both married. However all of this changed a few weeks ago when we were alone in the office working on a project and he kissed me. I'm not sure how it happened but I do remember that it was one of the most passionate kisses I have ever experienced in my life and that I couldn't get him out of my head afterwards. Since then we have been intimate on one occasion (which has been amazing as far as I am concerned!) but we did not have full sex because we were in my car (shocking I know) and he had trouble maintaining his erection. I tried not to make an issue out of it but last week I felt I had to ask him what the problem was (because he didn't get very hard) and he told me that it wasn't me and that he tried to have an affair once before and couldn't get it up with her either. He had tears in his eyes when he told me and seemed really embarrassed and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He says he thinks the problem is probably down to guilt but from what he's told me about his relationship with his wife, I'm not so sure he has sex with her either! He also said that he wants the affair to end between us (short lived I know but we have been sexting and flirting for a long time) because he feels guilty and can't handle it, but I can't help but think the real reason he wants it to end is because he is afraid the same thing might happen again. I know you will say that we both deserve this as we are both married and that we shouldn't be having an affair on the first place, and I am not about to argue with you, but I can't help but feel sad that our short-lived affair has ended this way and that it has left him feeling quite obviously distressed. I am in the process of getting divorced by the way (because my husband has been unfaithful to me) and although I don't know much about my colleagues circumstances, I have reason to believe he is not happy either.

My other concern is that he couldn't get hard because of me - I know he says he couldn't get a full erection because of guilt (and we were in a car) but I can't help but think it was my fault in some way. He told me that he really, really fancies me and that I shouldn't take it personally but I can't help wondering if I put him off in some way.

Sorry to ramble on but I really needed to get this off my chest.

Your comments would be much appreciated as I don't want the relationship to end and I can't decide what to do next.

OP posts:
PaulaSmiles · 23/02/2015 14:17

OP don't be put off by some attitudes on here. There are a lot of people who are biased against affairs because they got hurt by one, it doesn't make you bad. I feel bad for you, you've taken a big step to do something new outside comfort zone & it hasn't worked out. Don't let the negativity on here put you off.

Vivacia · 23/02/2015 14:34

She shouldn't be put off doing what Paula?

CatKitten · 23/02/2015 14:47

OP - sorry you have had such vitriol. Ignore all the nasty "he's not that into you type" stuff.

Obviously you know an affair with a MM is not a good thing so I'll leave it at that. You are getting divorced so you are a free agent and you can do what you like. He's the one in the wrong.

I think the reason you are upset/ want to get it off your chest is because you are feeling vulnerable because of your divorce and in some way, subconsciously or otherwise, this man was an emotional plaster for you - the "most passionate kiss ever" and long term flirting - made you feel wanted and attractive again after you husband's affair. You were compartmentalising the fact he's married and seeing this as a panacea. You had high expectations because of the intensity of the kiss and the situation.

This has now come crashing down because of his failure to get an erection - which rather than treating it as what it is (his issue) you are blaming yourself. So you are having an extreme emotional reaction - from the extreme initial high (higher than a normal relationship starting because of the intensity/secrecy) to a super low crash (you are blaming yourself.

It's these two extremes I expect that is causing you to feel so bad. And it is also this that makes you say you don't want this to end. You are seeing it (wrongly) as something that will make you feel better. It's very unlikely to.

If you really don't want the "relationship" (such as it is) to end then I would take at face value what he said, keep flirting with him and kissing when you can but say you don't want to have sex with him unless you both feel its right (to take the pressure off) and for gods sake if you try again, make sure it's somewhere cosy and private and not a car. You may be better off having a private/intimate moment alone where you make out but you make clear full sex is off the cards

Having said that,

  • I agree with others that he may have Erectile disfunction and be in denial so unless you are prepared to pack him off to his GP you may get no where.
  • nothing has really happened so far and you sound fairly obsessed/troubled/over-invested. You MUST realise you are better off walking away for your own emotional health. It's not going to get better. He will stay will his wife and you'll get more emotionally involved. That would be fine (for you, although not his wife) if you could deal with it and just treat it as a sex; but you obviously can't. You will get hurt so I'd just cut your losses and run.

Don't let the fact he didn't have an erection mean that you ruin your life by trying to fix him!

PaulaSmiles · 23/02/2015 14:49

Vivacia Don't be put off posting on MN just because people have directred quite judgemental views at OP, what did you think I meant?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/02/2015 14:52

Very pertinent post, CatKitten

flowery · 23/02/2015 14:59

"He also said that he wants the affair to end between us"

Surely all the rest of it is a side issue? You might want to carry on an affair, but the person who you want to have an affair with doesn't want to. If you want to have an affair with a married man, you'll need to find another one.

ToYouToMe · 23/02/2015 15:41

All the usual angry fingers attacking the OP for being human and having the honesty to share her feelings and seek help. Compassion in short supply as usual when someone has an affair - but industrial strength vitriol aplenty.

worrieddadof2 · 23/02/2015 15:57

compasion in short supply for a potential home wrecker? Never.

BOFster · 23/02/2015 16:11

I find it odd that anyone needs to "seek help" for the erectile difficulties of somebody who has said he doesn't want to pursue their affair further. What's the point?

Vivacia · 23/02/2015 16:25

Paula I wasn't sure if you meant that or "don't be put off having this/an affair".

Marmaladybird · 23/02/2015 17:00

Why on earth didn't the bubble burst when he told you 'He'd tried to have an affair before'.

Don't be anyone's toy - that screams that he's just after a bit of extra-marital slap and tickle. Some men know when to turn on the waterworks the same way some women do - don't be fooled.

To be honest, I think you need to leave your husband if you're not happy and please stay out of other people's marriages. You really shouldn't be texting/flirting/touching someone's fully functioning husband, no matter what they tell you. Judge someone on their actions, not their words.

I'd say the ED is the least of your worries - try and see it as a blessing.

magoria · 23/02/2015 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 17:30

OP, you have been used by this man in an attempt to refly his flagging cock

Like his last "attempt" it was a crashing failure

I wonder if his wife is currently posting elsewhere on MN, frustrated at his refusal to seek help for his impotence and bemoaning the lack of sexual attention he gives her

What a small, small world you have reduced yourself to. I hope you can find a way out of it. The first thing to do would be stop mooning after this inadequate twat.

MrsThor · 23/02/2015 17:34

you have tried something new outside your comfort zone

This isn't a new hobby! The op is helping to destroy a marriage, I can understand that you would feel vulnerable and in need of some attention after a marriage breakdown, but going after a married man isn't the way and it certainly wont make you feel any better

You mentioned that your husband cheated on you and I am sorry for that, it must have been incredibly painful, but two wrongs don't make a right

This guy sounds completely messed up and I think he is the last thing you need right now. Get some help to recover from your marriage breakdown, work on your self esteem and direct your energy into your children, help them deal with the breakdown of their family

Eventually you will be ready to move and meet someone who is really free to care for you

vestandknickers · 23/02/2015 17:41

OP, I would suggest a little less obsessing about why this loser can't get it up and a little more thought for the four children involved in this mess.

Have you tried reading your own post? You sound about 15. You need to grow up and start making some good choices for yourself and your children.

handfulofcottonbuds · 23/02/2015 17:47

Compassion in short supply?

OP was brave to post?

This is a reaction to her own husband's affair?

Give me strength. If OP knew the true pain of an affair, she wouldn't start one herself. How can a woman so hurt by an affair so that to another family?

Where's the remorse other than coming on here feeling sorry for a limp d*cked adulterer who wants a fumble in a car? OP just wanted to ask how to continue with this farce of a 'relationship' after MM rejected her - erectile dysfunction or not - he has said he doesn't want you!

As I said before, concentrate on your DCs and the impact a divorce will have on them and get some self respect!

FWIW - I asked for my previous post to be removed myself.

BallsforEarrings · 23/02/2015 17:47

'he tried to have an affair before' and the same thing happened - that's ok then! Hmm

heartisaspade · 23/02/2015 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsThor · 23/02/2015 18:07

Wine to handful

limp dcked adulterer* couldn't have out it better

TonyThePony · 23/02/2015 18:14

Well, if you are going to potentially ruin two families lives, at least the sex was worthwhile and fantastic... Oh wait....

Hmm
handfulofcottonbuds · 23/02/2015 18:20

Why thank you mrsthor

For all the affair apologists, this was my view before my STBXH destroyed 2 families with his sordid affair!

I have all the time in the world for someone who shows remorse and wants advice on overcoming the pain, being an OW or not but no time for those who simply set out to destroy families for their own selfish pleasure!

badbaldingballerina123 · 23/02/2015 19:10

I don't really see the dilemma.

You had a fumble with someone else's husband who couldn't get a stiffy and he doesn't want to repeat the experience. That's the end of it. There's not really much point navel gazing about whether he's got ed or whether he has sex with his wife. That's really none of your business and doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to continue things with you.

handfulofcottonbuds · 23/02/2015 19:15

The OP has long gone - let's hope it's because she has realised that her DCs need her to be there for them through her divorce and not because she is in some darkened lay-by.

crazyhead · 23/02/2015 19:22

If you are currently getting divorced and have young kids, you are probably in a highly vulnerable, slightly crazy state of mind. It will be difficult to know for some time which of your feelings are 'real' and which are tied up with the last throes of your previous relationship.

My advice would be to protect yourself. Don't full trust your judgement and feelings - just set yourself simple rules and follow them.A married man you work with is clearly the last thing you need - if you feel the need to date, go on a singles night or take up a hobby! No way do you need a grubby, high octane, difficult to get out of affair. The limp dick is a good thing - it gets you out early.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 19:29

this particular affair hasn't proved "difficult to get out of"

he married boyfriend has dumped her already