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Original poster

Affair gone wrong - I know I deserve it

249 replies

Susannah4444 · 22/02/2015 22:41

I just wondered if you could help me out with this without being too judgmental. I am married with two children and recently began an affair with a colleague who is also married with two children.

We have been working together for two years. For the first eighteen months we just enjoyed each others company and flirted a little bit. He was suggestive a few times but I always told him that as much as I found him attractive, I would never have sex with him because we were both married. However all of this changed a few weeks ago when we were alone in the office working on a project and he kissed me. I'm not sure how it happened but I do remember that it was one of the most passionate kisses I have ever experienced in my life and that I couldn't get him out of my head afterwards. Since then we have been intimate on one occasion (which has been amazing as far as I am concerned!) but we did not have full sex because we were in my car (shocking I know) and he had trouble maintaining his erection. I tried not to make an issue out of it but last week I felt I had to ask him what the problem was (because he didn't get very hard) and he told me that it wasn't me and that he tried to have an affair once before and couldn't get it up with her either. He had tears in his eyes when he told me and seemed really embarrassed and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He says he thinks the problem is probably down to guilt but from what he's told me about his relationship with his wife, I'm not so sure he has sex with her either! He also said that he wants the affair to end between us (short lived I know but we have been sexting and flirting for a long time) because he feels guilty and can't handle it, but I can't help but think the real reason he wants it to end is because he is afraid the same thing might happen again. I know you will say that we both deserve this as we are both married and that we shouldn't be having an affair on the first place, and I am not about to argue with you, but I can't help but feel sad that our short-lived affair has ended this way and that it has left him feeling quite obviously distressed. I am in the process of getting divorced by the way (because my husband has been unfaithful to me) and although I don't know much about my colleagues circumstances, I have reason to believe he is not happy either.

My other concern is that he couldn't get hard because of me - I know he says he couldn't get a full erection because of guilt (and we were in a car) but I can't help but think it was my fault in some way. He told me that he really, really fancies me and that I shouldn't take it personally but I can't help wondering if I put him off in some way.

Sorry to ramble on but I really needed to get this off my chest.

Your comments would be much appreciated as I don't want the relationship to end and I can't decide what to do next.

OP posts:
ShonaOCasey · 22/02/2015 23:14

I abhor people who make judgements about people who have affairs without knowing the circumstances

zippey · 22/02/2015 23:16

There's plenty more fish in the sea who aren't married. Why not try and find one?

You also say you deserve this. What is it you think you deserve, and for what.

Handywoman · 22/02/2015 23:19

OP your head is messed up by all of this - it's bonkers. You seem to be worried that you aren't attractive enough for him. Yet you are getting divorced, he is married with two kids. Don't do this to yourself! I actually feel sad for you : not pity, just sad. I think you should spend time talking to a counsellor. This is not the way forward.

Lj8893 · 22/02/2015 23:19

Shona we don't need to know the circumstances other than the man is married with children as is the op. Therefore, happy marriage or not, the affair is immoral and disrespectful. And quite open to judgement for those reasons.

Quiero · 22/02/2015 23:20

I think you've probably come to the wrong place to ask for advice on having an affair.

Give your head a shake.

ShonaOCasey · 22/02/2015 23:22

don't mention the A word on MN!

heartisaspade · 22/02/2015 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

savemefromrickets · 22/02/2015 23:29

Be thankful he couldn't get it up as it'll save you a lot of recrimination in the long run.

I fell in love with a married man during my separation. I didn't have sex with him, thankfully. Looking back, I can see that I was in no place mentally to get into a relationship of any kind.

He led me to believe he wasn't having sex with his wife. Separate bedrooms and all the 'she doesn't understand me' you can imagine. So, amazingly, it turns out his cock was long enough to stretch out of bed, down a landing and into another bedroom as he somehow managed to conceive with her!

He has form for attempting to cheat so walk away. Fast.

TyrannosaurusBex · 22/02/2015 23:32

The only people I've ever come across who use the term 'full sex' are men who read porn mags.

TopazRocks · 22/02/2015 23:36

I'm sorry but I did laugh at 'he tried to have an affair before' - is this an actual ambition? Smile I'll make no apologies for not reading the thread, as it's bedtime, but I think you need to step back. What would you advise a friend to do in similar circumstances if she came to you? It's unfortunate that he's a work colleague but I think you have to let it go. Just because you are getting divorced isn't a reason for wrecking another marriage.

lyravoile · 22/02/2015 23:38

My friend once had an affair with a married guy when we were 17 and he couldn't get it up. The reason he couldn't get it up WAS because of guilt. That's your answer to that.

The reason the kiss felt like one of the most compassionate kisses you've ever felt is because what you did is forbidden. If you were dating openly and there was nothing illicit about it, I guarantee you it would not feel so passionate.

CrispyFern · 22/02/2015 23:42

He wants to finish things so why does it matter about his potential issues or if he fancied you enough or whatever.
Just move on.

He sounds pathetic anyway, how can you want to have sex with someone who has cried to you about his knob having more morals than the rest of him? I bet he cries after sex too, and says "thank you". [vomit]

VanitasVanitatum · 23/02/2015 00:05

He feels guilty because he knows it's bloody wrong!! If he really isn't happy he will leave his wife. Until then he is behaving really weakly and being pathetic - surely not attractive.

Wait until he's free, you will both feel so much better about it. If he doesn't leave his wife you'll know he's lying about their relationship and he wants to keep her and mess around.

Momagain1 · 23/02/2015 00:14

I suspect his erectile dysfunction existed well before you. It's happened at home, and he wants it to be her fault, not his. The sexting and flirting worked, but he still couldnt get it up in person. He was using you.

Tell him it is over and done with because you have to get your life in order. Delete everything on your phone, including his number. Get on with your life, and sort your CV too.

kentishgirl · 23/02/2015 11:44

Why are you keen to jump from one pathetic cheater to another?

Get some self respect and find yourself a decent man.

dominogocatgo · 23/02/2015 11:56

I would assume his lack of erection would be because of a mixture of fear, stress and guilt. Nature's way of telling you both to quit before it's too late.

Vivacia · 23/02/2015 12:38

If you're not willing to accept his request that it's over, I'm interested in what you plan on doing instead.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/02/2015 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Berrie1 · 23/02/2015 13:09

Agree with other posters who have mentioned erectile dysfunction.

You asked what you should do next - I advise you put this affair behind you and move on. Think of what this would do to his wife and his children. Do you really want to continue the affair and tear this family apart? Concentrate on your own divorce and your childrens' wellbeing - these are paramount at this time.

LL0015 · 23/02/2015 13:17

His erectile dysfunction is because he has issues in HIS head, and it could be due to extreme use of Porn or medication or many many different things.

ravenmum · 23/02/2015 13:26

Could be erectile dysfunction, but could be the guilt too. Why would you think it was you? Have your other partners told you that you put them off sex?

I read the emails my husband sent to his affair partner, and he told her I wasn't interested in sex and never had been. In fact it was always me that initiated sex, had been for some time (before their affair); if anything I had the impression that he was less interested, as he had stopped all attempts at foreplay and preferred watching TV to being in bed with me.

In a later email to his mistress he told her that I had "started asking for sex" but he couldn't do it with me as it felt wrong. In fact, he was still doing it, still reluctantly, and now with the added bonus that he was doing things he knew I didn't like and had given up any pretence at all of wanting to make me feel good. I stopped "asking", i.e. trying to turn my husband on, at that point.

Your affair partner was probably upset as he really wanted to have naughty sex but was too scared to get it up. Clearly not something he'd admit to you. But a good chance for him to play the "I'm a good man really" card.

worrieddadof2 · 23/02/2015 13:43

There are no set of circumstances that make an affair ok.
I feel for his poor wife and kids.

ineedabodytransplant · 23/02/2015 13:52

'He's just not that into you.'

Especially if he couldn't get it up ..Grin

Get divorced and THEN shag around as much as you like, but try and find unmarried men. You don't know the whole story of his home life so don't assume that any stories he tells you are true. I've read enough on here that the old ' my wife and I don't sleep together' story is well worn.

Vivacia · 23/02/2015 13:58

I know you have your own problems (the man you want to shag has turned you down) but have you given any thoughts to his wife and children?

Vivacia · 23/02/2015 14:01

(That sounded like I just wanted to get the boot in, I didn't, I'm genuinely baffled at you sitting down to create this thread as though your actions aren't hurting his wife and children).