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Original poster

I think my husband is going to leave me..

65 replies

needaclue · 22/02/2015 18:43

I have nc for this as i may be identified using my other name, and i am quite embarrassed.

Dh & i have been together 6 years married 3 and have two children (5 &2 if that's relevant)

We are best friends, support each other through absolutely everything and i truly believe we are supposed to grow old and grey together.

After the first dc i had severe post natal depression which resulted in a nervous breakdown, i was 'ill' for just over a year, within this time we stopped having sex then once i was 'better' we still didn't have an intimate relationship he left me saying he didn't love me, we ended up in counselling and we were both so young, had only been together 3 months when i fell pregnant then my breakdown... Even the strongest of men would crumble under the pressure we were under.

Our relationship got back on track and we started to get to know each other again, unfortunately our sex life didn't come back and he became quite cross about it.. We desperately wanted another baby a few years on and i found a way to make an effort i got pregnant quickly (i am scarily fertile)

The problem now, we haven't had sex since we conceived dc2...Who is now 2years 2 months so almost 3 years since we were intimate.

I have made excuse after excuse, i will lose weight, i am so tired, life is so difficult..

Well today we have had the mother of all arguments which started from me getting cross over housework being left with me. We are both starting new jobs, he doesnt drive so all childcare logistics falls to me.

He has exploded... Told me he has had enough and i need to sort myself out as there is no reason that we shouldn't have a sex life. Mentioned sex therapy which i have no desire to go to.

What can i do? Obviously i don't want to lose him, i love him.. I just have no inclination and no idea where i will develop it from

OP posts:
MrsMinton · 22/02/2015 18:46

My first thought is are you on medication from your breakdown?

When you say you have no inclanation do you mean for sex or any kind of intimacy?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 22/02/2015 18:48

Why do you not want to go to sex therapy?

All other issues aside (though those are obviously important too) do you want to have a sex life with him? Are you prepared to work towards that?

If you genuinely don't want to have sex with him ever then that is absolutely your right and he should not try to pressure you into it, but you can't expect him to be happy and stay in a sexless marriage

Bowlersarm · 22/02/2015 18:49

He has mentioned sex therapy, which you have declined. Do you want to resolve the issue? What about marriage councelling?

I'm sorry op, my sex drive isn't huge but if Dh wouldn't have sex with me I'd probably not hang around forever.

Hope you get some constructive advice x

AnnieMorel · 22/02/2015 18:52

I think not having sex stops you wanting it and it grows from there.

Why not consider therapy?

SewingAndCakes · 22/02/2015 18:54

Do you feel that he listens and takes on board your feelings in regards to household and childcare responsibilities? Do you feel valued by him?

lostoncemore · 22/02/2015 18:55

Why do you not want to have sex with your husband?

gildedcage · 22/02/2015 18:57

Yes are you still on medication?

You do owe it to him to be open about how you feel. Why is it that you don't want sex or intimacy? I'm not suggesting that you go into detail here, but your dh won't be able to understand if you aren't open about your feelings.

Would you have counselling on your own to get to the root of why you avoid intimacy?

I know that this is a bone of contention here but I feel that sexual intimacy and affection can be the glue that binds a couple. Throughout the span of a relationship there will be highs and lows in this respect but ultimately I feel that it is an important part of a marriage and can't be overlooked.

rollmeover · 22/02/2015 18:59

Why wont you undertake therapy? Would you start with couples conselling?
Sex therapy is available (in some areas) on the Nhs. Can you speak to your GP about this?

If you dont want your husband to leave have you considered what else you might do to help repair the marriage? Are you cross/not over how he treat you after the birth of your first child? That might contribute to why you dont want to have sex.

If its not that, can you be intimate at all? Just cuddles, a bath, a massage when sex is not on the table but would build your confidence up?

AlfAlf · 22/02/2015 19:00

Just to pick a small part from your OP, all housework is left to you? This would make me feel very resentful and unkeen on having sex.
I wouldn't find 2+ years with no sex acceptable in my marriage, but laying all the blame on you/your libido is not fair. marriage counselling might be useful.

MrsMinton · 22/02/2015 19:01

There is such a lot gone on in your relationship. You had only just got together as a couple when you fell pregnant and you say you were young. Can I ask how young? Then he went and you've gotten back together. But did you get over that properly? How do you feel about yourself? You say about losing weight. Do you just feel like a mom/wife and not that sexual? If you could would you like sex? Like sewing asked: do you feel valued?

I'm not surprised you don't feel like sex with all this going on!!

Original poster
needaclue · 22/02/2015 19:02

I am no longer on medication no, stopped quite some time ago

We spent hundreds of pounds on couples counselling and it was fantastic, it saved us. There was a discussion at the time about moving onto sex therapy,however the way it is done and the things that are discussed i feel extremely uncomfortable discussing with a stranger.

I don't discuss this sort of thing with my friends, and i know i wouldn't cope very well within a counselling session to talk about it.

I really do want to solve the problem, but i have no idea a) what the problem is and b) how to solve the probem.

I love him, and would never want to be without him. But yes, if we don't get this sorted i think he will leave me.

We are still very young, so this isn't something which should be an issue

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 22/02/2015 19:03

Do you by chance have a Mirena coil? I completely went off sex when I had mine put in and couldn't believe the difference when I had it removed, it was like I remembered I fancied dh and wanted sex.

Just a thought.

Original poster
needaclue · 22/02/2015 19:06

We are mid / late twenties now.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/02/2015 19:06

I think for the sake of your marriage you ought to at least try the sex therapy.

Not wanting sex or intimacy at any point in over two years is really only welcome in marriages where both parties prefer celibacy.

You want to solve the problem. You accepy there is a problem. You need to try the therapy. If it doesnt work, cross that bridge when you get to it.

Original poster
needaclue · 22/02/2015 19:07

madam no i don't, i recently stopped all contraception for a while and have restarted back on the only pill i can take.i am very sensitive to hormones.

OP posts:
Original poster
needaclue · 22/02/2015 19:10

Re housework... It's not that it's left to me, well it is, but if i ask him to help me he ddoes he just doesn't have a sense of things needing to be done.

I have worked at home the last few years and am now going out to work in a new position. So today's argument stemed from me saying it will be unfair working full time and still being left with all the housework and washing to do... It escalated quite quickly and turned into him telling me he has had enough.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 22/02/2015 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMinton · 22/02/2015 19:26

Maybe you need to have a talk about the house and your expectations all rolled into one. It sounds like there is frustration on both parts.
Talk about what will need doing and how that's going to happen with the house, who will cook, what needs doing daily/weekly and share it out.
Then talk about being intimate again building to sex. Hand holding. Cuddling. Affectionate messages and words. Massages and touching. Go right back to the start. Once you stop having sex it can be a huge effort to start again. Being tired, uncomfy in your body, feeling irritated all have an effect. Go out together without your DC or have a meal when they are in bed and talk about you two.

Original poster
needaclue · 22/02/2015 19:28

karma i am under no allusion that my husband won't stick about if i don't fix this. I am very aware and scared about it.

It's only since i had my breakdown i have been this way, something changed

I am over weight and need to shift it, which i am in the process of doing (I'm not a martyr)

I totally love him, very much so. There havr been times when I've thought about i should start something but for some reason i never do Confused

OP posts:
goldvelvet · 22/02/2015 19:29

If you want to save your marriage you need to get out of your comfort zone and go for sex therapy.

You can't expect a man in his mid twenties in a committed relationship to not want to have sex unless it's a mutual understanding that sex isn't part of the relationship. Which I doubt your dh went into a marriage with that in mind.

If my DH didn't want sex with me for years on end I can't see our relationship lasting. As I see intimacy as being the difference between a relationship and a friendship.

seabream · 22/02/2015 19:30

Needaclue, what is your relationship like otherwise? Do you feel loved, secure, looked after? Can you pinpoint why you feel the way you do about sex, or is it tied up in other things? Are you intimate in other ways? Affectionate?
Saying this kindly, only knowing what you've said: you are being deeply cruel to him. You will not actually explore or engage with this lack of sex as a serious problem. You are both so very young. Unless there is a medical reason, you can't expect him to just forego a sex life. That is so, so unfair. If you want to stay in the relationship, you'll have to face your problem fir his sake. And if you can't or will not, stop being so cruel to him and let him go.

I'm saying this as someone who was married in my 20s to a man who unilaterally decided that after our honeymoon, sex was no longer necessary. He wouldn't talk about it, or even see it as an issue. I stayed for six years. Then finally ended it. It was no life at all.

Joysmum · 22/02/2015 19:31

I think unless you show willing to work on this, you'll lose him.

SewingAndCakes · 22/02/2015 19:32

What is he like when the kids are in bed and you have time alone? Are you affectionate towards each other, or Is there just the expectation of sex when you go to bed?

SewingAndCakes · 22/02/2015 19:33

X-post with seambream

SewingAndCakes · 22/02/2015 19:33

Aargh Seabream stupid phone!

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