I think my husband is going to leave me..

[needaclue]

I have nc for this as i may be identified using my other name, and i am quite embarrassed.

Dh & i have been together 6 years married 3 and have two children (5 &2 if that's relevant)

We are best friends, support each other through absolutely everything and i truly believe we are supposed to grow old and grey together.

After the first dc i had severe post natal depression which resulted in a nervous breakdown, i was 'ill' for just over a year, within this time we stopped having sex then once i was 'better' we still didn't have an intimate relationship he left me saying he didn't love me, we ended up in counselling and we were both so young, had only been together 3 months when i fell pregnant then my breakdown... Even the strongest of men would crumble under the pressure we were under.

Our relationship got back on track and we started to get to know each other again, unfortunately our sex life didn't come back and he became quite cross about it.. We desperately wanted another baby a few years on and i found a way to make an effort i got pregnant quickly (i am scarily fertile)

The problem now, we haven't had sex since we conceived dc2...Who is now 2years 2 months so almost 3 years since we were intimate.

I have made excuse after excuse, i will lose weight, i am so tired, life is so difficult..

Well today we have had the mother of all arguments which started from me getting cross over housework being left with me. We are both starting new jobs, he doesnt drive so all childcare logistics falls to me.

He has exploded... Told me he has had enough and i need to sort myself out as there is no reason that we shouldn't have a sex life. Mentioned sex therapy which i have no desire to go to.

What can i do? Obviously i don't want to lose him, i love him.. I just have no inclination and no idea where i will develop it from

He has exploded... Told me he has had enough and i need to sort myself out as there is no reason that we shouldn't have a sex life. Mentioned sex therapy which i have no desire to go to.
What can i do? Obviously i don't want to lose him, i love him.. I just have no inclination and no idea where i will develop it from

What you can do is face up to the fact that unless you even try sex therapy your marriage is over. You seem to dismiss out of hand every suggestion people have made here.
Contraception/don't want to discuss it with a stranger/scarily fertile(?!)/love and hugs are still regular/sensitive to hormones.

You aren't listening to your husband. Love and hugs aren't enough after 3 years, I'm surprised this hasn't come to a head 2 years ago tbh.
Stop making excuses, this is important to your husband so you have to try. At the moment the relationship is on your terms entirely which is far from fair.

How often does he try to initiate sex?

Others have commented that it's unfair on your husband and cruel, do you understand and feel empathy for him? Do you recognise how important this is to him?

Perhaps because you dont need sex you don't see it as a big deal but it can be unless both partners want celibacy. My husband was in non sexual relationship in his 20's and it affected his self esteem very dramaciallly which affected other areas of his life.. When they did have sex is was to conceive and that made him feel unwanted and used.

I think if you need to feel motivated to do take some action or you should let him go.

Op I think if you do love your DH as much as you say you do you will give the sex therapy a try. It is hugely cruel of you to refuse any suggestions he make just because you don't want to and then fear if he will leave you. He is perfectly reasonable to do so. I don't think he is the selfish one at all. Maybe the housework issue is just his way of frustration at this issue. He's stuck around for 3 years which shows that he does love you but at some point he will have had enough. Are you considering have more kids? Do you think that would be wise without sorting this issue out. You could suggest therapy just on your own to figure out what's going on. Would your DH be ok with giving you time to do this?

He needs you to sort this out one way or the other, it doesnt HAVE to be a therapist, im sure there are many websites on this matter, however you certainly will not be the first person a sex therapist has seen with no libido - theyll know the right questions to ask to help you find out WHY you feel like this, and unless you know that things will never change.

I doubt they will ask you many (if any) questions on the actual "sex" part of things, the issue is that you dont WANT it.

The fact that you dont seem to be at all interested in it changing, or really feel like its in any way important beyond "he'll leave me if I dont" makes me think theres some pretty deep issue here that really could benefit from some professional advice.

Hello everyone.

Thank you very much for all the replies.

I posted here because i want it to change!

I am well aware how bad the situation is, and am 100% Wanting to sort it out, the therapist is more of a last resort thing for me.

We are not having any more children no, i am not able to get my tubes tied i did go and see the consultant and they agreed they would do it, however it carries many risks as i would have to have the c-section style op and we don't have the ability for me to be off work for that amount of time again.

I certainly am not rejecting every option, from this thread i think i do need to make more effort and offer more hugs and kisses and go from there..

OP, has there been any incident(s) of sexual violence/trauma in your past? (You don't have to answer in thread)

I am asking as I was molested for a long time as a child and the way you're describing the set up with your H is similar to where I ended up with an ex. Until I was able to sort out my past trauma (and it was a long process) I felt completely unconnected to my body and had no sexual feelings at all. (Except when drunk, when I suddenly became a raging nymphomaniac.)

Wondering if something during or soon after your first birth may have been triggered off.

If I'm completely way off course then just ignore me. But I do think you should grit your teeth and go for the sex therapy if that's the case, as presumably you do want to save your relationship?

If you don't want sex therapy or sex then you need to tell your husband straight. No-one should be forced into a life of celibacy plus you shouldn't be made to feel bad because you don't want it. You are making each other unhappy at the moment.

Op I have sympathy for both of you, but the ball does fall in your court to try and move this forward.

Tbh if my OH 'somehow' found a way to gave sex because they wanted a child, I would feel like a sperm doner. That can't be nice for him.

You do need to see a therapist I feel, I don't think your sex life is suddenly going to blossom out of nowhere.

As for the PP who aggressively said lots of couples live without sex, that's fine and true, but it's only that way if both partners are happy with it.

I have no doubt your husband will leave, if this can't be resolved. He had not had sex for three years, so from his mid twenties, I'm sure he doesn't want to be like this for evermore.

You need to do more than just offer more hugs and see how it goes. You need to talk to him properly about this and work out a way of getting past it. You still sound like you're going to put in a bare minimum of effort then go "oh well i tried". You say the sex therapy is a last resort thing for you, by your husband explosion it sounds like hes already reaching that point. You either care enough to change things or you dont

I am well aware how bad the situation is, and am 100% Wanting to sort it out, the therapist is more of a last resort thing for me.

You ARE AT the last resort stage love and unless you wake up and actually HEAR what your husband is telling you in plain English your marriage will end.

No-one here can add anything that your husband hasn't already told you.
YOU now need to act and that means booking that appointment with a sex therapist.
Get on with it!

Seems to me that the OP brought up a very valid concern and the DH turned it around to being her fault because they dont have sex! The two are very different issues. Does he often do this OP?

H does, or tries to. If I say I am pissed off about something he brings up something totally unrelated that pisses him off about me. It takes a lot of self control to not react, I say that OK but we will talk about that later, right now I want to talk about this. Its derailed many an argument in the past until I realised what he was doing.

You need to separate the two issues and not allow him to bamboozle you. You not having sex at the moment has nothing to do with him not pulling his weight in the house, he is just trying to get you off his back so he doesnt have to do the washing!

Tell him that yes, you will go back to counselling re the sex thing, but right now you want to sort out how to divide the housework now you are both working FT.

If u dont want to have sex with him dont. If he leaves let him go.
Sounds like torture to me trying to talk yourself in to sex with somebody u dont feel that way about anymore.