I think my husband is going to leave me..

[needaclue]

I have nc for this as i may be identified using my other name, and i am quite embarrassed.

Dh & i have been together 6 years married 3 and have two children (5 &2 if that's relevant)

We are best friends, support each other through absolutely everything and i truly believe we are supposed to grow old and grey together.

After the first dc i had severe post natal depression which resulted in a nervous breakdown, i was 'ill' for just over a year, within this time we stopped having sex then once i was 'better' we still didn't have an intimate relationship he left me saying he didn't love me, we ended up in counselling and we were both so young, had only been together 3 months when i fell pregnant then my breakdown... Even the strongest of men would crumble under the pressure we were under.

Our relationship got back on track and we started to get to know each other again, unfortunately our sex life didn't come back and he became quite cross about it.. We desperately wanted another baby a few years on and i found a way to make an effort i got pregnant quickly (i am scarily fertile)

The problem now, we haven't had sex since we conceived dc2...Who is now 2years 2 months so almost 3 years since we were intimate.

I have made excuse after excuse, i will lose weight, i am so tired, life is so difficult..

Well today we have had the mother of all arguments which started from me getting cross over housework being left with me. We are both starting new jobs, he doesnt drive so all childcare logistics falls to me.

He has exploded... Told me he has had enough and i need to sort myself out as there is no reason that we shouldn't have a sex life. Mentioned sex therapy which i have no desire to go to.

What can i do? Obviously i don't want to lose him, i love him.. I just have no inclination and no idea where i will develop it from

I think you have dismissed sex therapy far to quickly, there is clearly a problem-you shouldn't have had to find a way to have sex to conceive, i'm sorry.

If you want to be with your DH then i think the therapist may be worth a try.

He doesn't sound like a selfish arse to me.

He sounds like a perfectly normal human being.

and if all he can 'blow up' about is his lack of a sex life, sod him

It doesn't shock me that a man in his mid twenties got frustrated at not having sex in nearly 3 years. I think everyone has their breaking point.

Do you really want to have a sex life? If so . . .

Is it the scary fertility? Getting pregnant so soon in the relationship and the subsequent postnatal depression and pressure you were both under? Then you could only have sex when you wanted to conceive (as pregnancy became the aim)?

If you don't know what the problem is or how to fix it, then maybe a counsellor can put you on the right track?

Do you masturbate/can you/have sexy dreams?!? If not could it be physical? Could you see your GP? Does the contraception affect your libido?

Is it your body size? Do you have some outfits you wear, where you know and feel that you are sexually attractive? Do you need to work on acceptance of your body as it is now?
Do you need to make time to rest and have a break from DCs? Do you need to increase other physical intimacy apart from sex?

I don't think i am being cruel to him, this is the only serious issue that we have. Housework / childcare is something i think everyone argues about and it's something i doubt will ever change until the kids grow older and get easier.

Generally once the kids are in bed we sit and watch tv or a film together, we chat about this and that and genuinely from anyone looking outside you would never guess we have this problem.

We hug and kiss, and are always loving towards each other.

Getting pregnant again is an issue for me our dc2 has additional needs which i never want to run the risk of going through again. DH offered to have the snip but i think it would be cruel of me to expect him to do that???

I do want a sex life yes. But something doesn't work in me, soon no i don't do any of those things.

I can empathise with the contraception issue. My dh had the snip but we were considerably older than you your dh may encounter issues getting that on the NHS given his age. I think that this is an important issue that could cause the reticence on your part. Why don't you both go to the GP together to discuss your options.

I have absolutely no knowledge of this area but sometimes I think that you can overthink things. Could you start by taking sex totally off the menu i.e agree that there will be no expectation of intercourse for a set period of time and build back up to it slowly perhaps just touching each other etc and increase the physical contact overtime. Could you arrange some dates to reconnect on a romantic level.

It sounds like there is a lot of love between you. Don't let that go for the sake of some discomfort talking about your issues.

Without meaning to be insensitive, are you actually still sexually attracted to your DH? Do you fancy him? I used to think I could take or leave sex and wasn't that bothered until I left my exh and met someone else. Not suggesting you do that obviously.

Then maybe speak to your GP? A blood test to check hormones? Maybe this won't give the answer but at least you can see what they say?

I understand that you might feel funny about seeing a sex counsellor, but I really think you should.

However, if you really don't want to - how do you feel about sex? Do you masturbate? (sorry if TMI!) Is it that you don't feel desirable, or that you don't desire him?

I do think it's possible to be in love with someone and not want to have sex with them. Unfortunately, I think the only fair thing to do in that situation is come clean about it and come to a joint decision about what to do next. I agree with other posters that I don't think it's surprising that he's questioning the relationship. But in my opinion a 20 something person who's gone three years without sex before getting to this point clearly loves you, and doesn't want to leave. So maybe you can figure it out together?

If you ask me, to put it bluntly you have a few options:

• Separate (which is seems neither of you want to do)
• Carry on as you are (not really working)
• Try to reach a sexual compromise. I know some people will leap on me for this, but if it's separate, or compromise and have sex with someone you love even though you don't really feel like it, how do you feel about that? I'm not suggesting you put yourself through trauma, if it would upset you it's not an option.
• Not an option for everyone, but open relationships work for some. If you love each other, but you don't want a sexual relationship, would you perhaps be open to him getting his needs met elsewhere?

As I said I really think this is something for you to discuss with a counsellor, to help you figure out why you feel this way and what you want to do about it. It doesn't need to be salacious or make you feel awkward. Sexual desire is complex and not really physical at all I don't think. Figuring out what you want, and feeling better about yourself, would help I think.

Oh and it's not about your weight! I mean, I understand it can be, for you. But I bet your husband doesn't care a bit.

I'm not sure how you can love your husband when he has asked you to get help and you dismissed it, because it might make you a bit uncomfortable?

3 years of withholding sex and then being dismissed out of hand would be a deal breaker for me.

If you need help, go and get it. If it's the case that you simply no longer have desire for him, let him go. You'll all be happier.

Have you always had a low sex drive? It sounds like your libido has disappeared and it's not necessarily specifically about your husband. Could it be related to depression or thyroid problems, maybe? Do you have a nice GP you could discuss this with? Have you had any individual therapy?

It sounds like you really don't want to get pregnant again at the moment, nothing is 100% (except hysterectomy!) but what about a copper coil? With no hormone in? Plus pill?

Or is it possible the link between the times you have ever had sex (which doesn't sound many in total tbh - sorry) and major life changing events that followed mean that any contraception wouldn't enable sex because you still haven't fully found out if anything else is holding you back? This is maybe where a therapist could help?

I hope you can find a resolution, he sounds patient and understanding to a point but without this argument you might not have had the "push" to look into it.

Plus just wanted to say we have had some arguments everytime I went back after maternity leave as I found I had taken all kinds of housework on and then we had to go back to sharing things. It's not that he objected to looking after the home but just got out of habit. Also the Childcare was to fit round my work, not his, so it lead to me organizing it, but this did get better after the 'adjustment period'.

You don't masterbate or have sexy dreams? Really?

Then I suggest the problem is not with your husband but rather that you have become for whatever reason, asexual.

You say you have made excuse after excuse but you haven't really explained how you feel about sex. Do you enjoy it? Have you EVER enjoyed it? With anyone?

Did you feel ambivalent about sex even before your PND or was your libido healthy prior to that?

Do you ever want to have sex again? Do you regard it as a penance you have to perform to keep your husband?

Would you be more content within an asexual relationship i.e. If your husband were to lose his libido too? Would that be an ideal fantasy outcome here if you could wave a magic wand?

Yeah I agree. Working and having little ones is hard, and if one has special needs its possibly harder again.

Try not to look at it as a criticism of you, rather its a goal for you both to work towards. I wish you both the best, you sound like you've both been through the mill, but sometimes good things need hard work

OP of you know for certain you never wish to get pregnant again, would you consider getting your tubes tied?

It's cruel to be in a relationship with someone and refuse to have sex with them for 3 years! How do you think that makes him feel? It's a normal part of relationships.

No way would I stay in a sex free relationship for 3 years - soul destroying.

OP have you thought about having a nice glass of wine to help relax you and then just going for it?

I do think it is very unfair and I think your man has been rather patient.

This is your problem to solve and I'm afraid unless you do something about it yourself there is going to be no magic cure for it.

Your options are therapy, weight loss, or just trying it out.

You can get your tubes clipped, very quick procedure as is a vasectomy.

You have done the right thing posting here as that shows you are wanting to sort things for the better.

Good luck

I agree with happygirl that must be soul destroying for him, he must feel totally rejected. If course you absolutely don't have to have sex if you don't want to, but you must see how awful that must make him feel, especially that you don't want to try and work it out - you're not prepared to make the effort.

When I was in my early 20s I was in a long term relationship and somewhere along the line we got in the habit of not having sex. It was definitely me not him, that was the issue. We had to have a break fairly near the beginning because I was on a treatment, and after that I was just more comfortable not doing it. No good reason for it.

Now is the part you are probably not going to like.

In relationships since then, I have made a promise to myself, not to say no, pretty much ever. I know that I risk being flamed for this, but in general sex is pretty quick - add more foreplay for shorter intercourse, and it makes everyone a lot happier in the long, short and medium term. When I'm feeling a bit like I can't be arsed, I do masturbation with a blow job finish - so no neck, jaw or arm ache involved. Takes a few minutes and everyone is happy with the result.

I am pretty much certain that saying "no" becomes a habit. And the only way to break it is by saying yes. If you said OK, lets have sex (of some sort) everyday, but not a marathon session everyday, I suspect you would be on the way to having a problem in the past tense by the end of the first month.

I think not to say no ever isn't a great mind set but not to instantly say no is better advice. It's ok to say no if you really don't want sex but once you start saying yes more you may find out that sex is actually really good and enjoy it. And start to instigate it and things will become easier.

I definitely think it's getting out of the habit of not having sex. Which I have slumped into in late pregnancy and for a few months post-partum. But once you get back into it it's like you get into the flow of it. But often the first time can be the most awkward after a long break. The longer you leave it I think the harder you'll make it for yourself. If you love and trust your husband I think you should ease into slowly with foreplay and work up to full sex.

Why not just have sex with him and pretend to enjoy it? You might find it reawakens something inside of you.

Sometimes we have to fake it to make it.

There are loads of things I really dislike doing in my marriage; cleaning, homework with the kids, pretending to like the dog are all things I really do not like doing but I still do them and with a smile on my face because it's important.

Your DH is a real winner, putting up that long without sex. I went 6 months last without it and considered an affair (didn't have one) because it felt so horrible that my H wasn't interested in sleeping with me. I'm sure he has his faults but devotion to you is not one of them.

Just forget about your weight (remember your H WANTS to fuck you), turn the lights out and just do it. Go out today and buy some lube (that stuff is amazing) and have sex with your husband. Even if you don't enjoy it, it will be more fun than other chores you'll do today...you might even enjoy it.

If you really don't have any solo sex life, my advice is different. Am gonna get flamed to hell for this but I'd really recommend you go watch some porn. Ethical stuff if you need it to be. Or read some erotica or watch a sexy movie or whatever gets you in the mood. In other words, try to get into the mood yourself and then take it to your husband.

Because you sound really disconnected from your body and from sex and actually feeling something other than dread might take some of the pressure off.

He obviously still wants you regardless of your shape or size. What actually stops you initiating sex, how would it make you feel if you were to go and instigate intimacy now?