Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Wedding invite drama

67 replies

AussiegirlUK · 21/02/2015 21:30

Hi everyone
So, Im feeling really upset and left out today. I have been with my partner for 18 months, we have been living together for a year and he is a great stepfather to my two children. My point here is we are considered by my circle of friends to be a 'family unit', invites are always for both of us etc.
My partners family mostly live on the other side of the country, although his sister lives close by and I get on great with her. Ive met his parents too and we all got on fine, I email his mum since they went back home. His brother got married today. I wasn't invited to the wedding. Im so upset about this!

Firstly, I understand that weddings are hard, I am divorced so Ive been there. But according to my partners sister, absolutely everyone was invited, Uncles they haven't seen for years, Aunties they havent spoken to in years, and everyone received a plus one, married or not, except my partner and me. Really, hes the brother of the groom and if they are going to allow other guests to bring girlfriends who they have only been dating for a few months, why is it ok to exclude me? The wedding was only announced 4 months ago, so we had already been living together for a good long while when the invites went out. I just cant help feeling so very snubbed by the whole thing :(

But anyway, my main upset is with my partner. I always knew he would go whatever, its his brothers wedding! But not only did he not ask his brother if there was a reason I couldn't be invited, he didn't sit and have an adult conversation with me about it. I tried to tell him that I was feeling excluded but he just brushed it off. I know he doesn't particularly like his new sister in law, and maybe this whole thing made him uncomfortable, but I feel like he has made me feel insignificant to him. If the roles were reversed then I would have at least had a word and said 'hey, we are kind of a unit you know' not to try and force them to invite another person, but just to give some validity and recognition to a relationship I feel is very important to me. I would also have talked to him about it and made sure he knew why he wasn't invited.
Im an immigrant and him and my children are the only 'family' I have in this country. While my family have opened their arms to him and told him he is welcome to come to them anytime, I feel that his family have just made a very loud and clear statement that I am not part of their gang, I don't belong and I'm not welcome.

Does anyone have any advice for me on speaking to my partner about this? I know when he gets home tomorrow I'm going to be upset with him and I don't want it to turn into a huge thing. I'm emotional at the moment as I'm very homesick, and I don't want it to just come down to me being an 'emotional woman'. I feel that this is a very real thing and I want to deal with it sensibly.
Thanks everyone :)

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 21/02/2015 21:46

I'm curious to know why your partner didn't ask why you weren't invited?

loveyoutothemoon · 21/02/2015 21:49

Are they racist?

Handywoman · 21/02/2015 21:50

Sounds very strange. Do you think they disapprove of your divorced status?

I do think that your dp should have raised this somehow. But I think it will become overly emotive to ask for him to stand up for you now the wedding has happened - surely this will now put him on the defensive?

Poor you

SelfLoathing · 21/02/2015 21:57

Have you met his brother? Do you get on?

Also who was paying for the wedding?

Weddings are weird times and everyone has their own "rules" about who should be invited and why.

Eg. it could be something as simple as the bride's family were paying, so they got the bulk of the invites and your bf's brother was very limited.

It maybe the bride had a rule "no one I haven't met" or "no one I don't like".

Original poster

AussiegirlUK · 21/02/2015 22:04

Hmmm, don't think there is any racism! The Aussie/Brit divide is not that huge :)
I hadn't met his brother before, but the original suggestion from my fella before the invites came out was that this wedding would be my opportunity to meet the rest of the family :(
The Bride herself although isn't a divorcee, has 3 children from a previous relationship so I don't think that would be a problem. My partners parents paid a good portion of the wedding costs, according to partners sister.

Like you guys, Ive been going over any and all possible reasons for it, and I cant come up with any. And yes, my guy not asking any questions is what hurts me. The Bride owes me nothing, I'm not someone she knows or wants to keep happy etc.
I think I would have been happy if he had sat me down and said 'look, this is whats happening and why, Im sorry'. I just feel like this is going to hang over me like a cloud whenever I see his family. I'm the one girl who wasn't invited. And I'm the girl whos 'partner' didn't even notice.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 22:05

Your partner should have said to his brother that either you were invited or he wouldn't attend. That's what couples do..... they stand up for each other and they include each other. I'd take a dim view of a longstanding partner just disappearing off to a family event without insisting that I was there as part of the family.

Don't let this one lie. His family have insulted you and he has let them.

SelfLoathing · 21/02/2015 22:13

If you'd never met the brother before, that's kind of a big deal.

I know a couple who got married recently where they agreed (they both had big families) to not invite anyone they hadn't both met or anyone they hadn't seen in the last 2 years.

Weddings are expensive. An extra guest (a plus one) is a big expense so why waste it on someone you've never met? It's your day so you get to pick and you aren't under any obligation to invite partners you don't know.

My guess is that's it.

partly your bfs fault for not introducing you at some point during 18 months. Is there a reason for that? It's a hell of time not to have met a sibling.

Hassled · 21/02/2015 22:13

Blimey - I can see why you're upset, not that that helps you at all. It is all kinds of weird that you weren't invited, and just baffling that your DP didn't challenge it, or discuss it properly.

Are you absolutely sure that you weren't invited? Did you see an invite?

SelfLoathing · 21/02/2015 22:17

Your partner should have said to his brother that either you were invited or he wouldn't attend.

Totally disagree. There are plenty of good reasons why this would not be appropriate. eg.

"This wedding is very expensive. Every guest is costing us £200 and we have limited space. We are stretched as it is and are only inviting people we know and who mean something to us as a couple. We haven't met your gf so we'd rather have our limited space used for our closest friends and family"

Not unreasonable. And the brother that has a "Invite me gf who you haven't met or I'm not coming" is an utter twat (if that was the hypothetical scenario). And there are plenty others where a sibling really has no standing to demand an invite.

It is the couple's day. They can have who they like and why the hell should they invite someone they have never met. They may be thinking "can't be that serious if he's never introduced us".

Original poster

AussiegirlUK · 21/02/2015 22:20

Yes SelfLoathing I totally get that. I myself made hard decisions about guests when I got married.
But many of the other guests (who weren't part of the bridal party) got a plus one and took girlfriends they had only been dating for a short time, and some of those hadn't met the bride before.
I think the only reason I haven't met his brother yet is they have 3 small kids and are constantly busy, we have 2 small kids and are constantly busy, my fella works away sometimes and its just never been possible before now. We live quite far apart and we honestly haven't had a proper holiday or break since we moved in together. I hadn't worried too much about it as I thought this wedding would be the big meeting thing. If anyone had said that not having met them before would mean I wouldn't be invited then I would have been arranging a visit asap!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 22:21

The world and his wife was invited to the wedding. Uncles they hadn't seen for years etc. There was no limitation on numbers

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 22:23

If the standard invitation was 'plus one' the DP was entitled to insist.... or politely decline

NameSwitcherooo · 21/02/2015 22:23

Almost exactly the same thing once happened to me. I'd been dating my then bf for about 10 months and his sister got married. I wasn't invited. I was so upset. I never raised it with him as didn't want to look clingy or needy.

We ended up dating for about 5 years and became quite serious.

I found out a lot later that his sister had asked him if he wanted to invite me and he'd said no - because he wasn't sure how long we would last and other related stuff (like wedding pressure "so will you two be next"). Basically, I'd assumed it was a snub but it was his choice not to invite me although the option was there.

Original poster

AussiegirlUK · 21/02/2015 22:24

It is the couple's day. They can have who they like and why the hell should they invite someone they have never met. They may be thinking "can't be that serious if he's never introduced us".

SelfLoathing, this is exactly why Im upset with my fella. I feel like he hasn't given enough credence to our relationship for his family to even consider inviting me. Just to mention too, we are talking marriage and are planning a baby in the next couple of years so this IS a serious relationship. Or I thought it was. Right now I just feel like getting on a plane and going home to my family where I am welcomed :'(

OP posts:

Jackw · 21/02/2015 22:32

I suspect that there is something in the family dynamics here that you have not been given a full explanation of. There is something awkward between the bride and your partner which is possibly affecting the relationship between the brothers. Your partner's sister could be stirring (I.e. The information you've been given about who's invited may not be entirely accurate). Some families can be really weird about not addressing undercurrents and you are probably used to more adult upfront tackling of issues. You could just let it go, which is what he's hoping you'll do by brushing it off but I'd be tempted to call him on it, starting by letting him know how hurt you are, both by your exclusion and by his lack of support and recognition of how hurtful this must be for you.

Nerf · 21/02/2015 22:33

Any reason he might have declined an invitation for you? Ex gf at the wedding? Awkward situation?

JaniceJoplin · 21/02/2015 22:34

I think this sounds really fishy, sorry. Do you believe your DP in that you were not invited? Did you see an actual invite? Perhaps it is your DP who doesn't want you there for some reason (ex girlfriends attending or worse). I think you have been wrongly treated but it's not clear where it's coming from. Either that or unfortunately someone in the family doesn't like you for some reason but that sounds unlikely if you've not really met. Not good at all either way, I hope you can get to the bottom of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 22:34

'why the he'll should they invite someone they've never met?'

... and how the hell are they supposed to meet you if you're never invited to anything and if your partner never pushes yo get you the invitation? It's what they call a no win situation...

Original poster

AussiegirlUK · 21/02/2015 22:43

I hadn't even thought of an ex girlfriend being there :o
I do believe him that I wasn't invited. He actually tried to hide the invite from me. He hates confrontation and tries to make everything go as smoothly as possible. Unfortunately hes made the wrong choices on this because all hes done is make me feel hurt.
JackW yes I am used to very upfront discussions, my family are very open and we all say what we think, no messing.
And yes Cogito, it is a lose lose scenario. I hate not being aware of things and then getting annoyed about things I cant change.

I think you re all right in that I have to talk to him about it. I will ask him to just give me the actual reason why I wasn't invited. If the bride had a rule then that's fine, but I will tell him that he should have made that clear to me from the start rather than ignoring it in an attempt to not rock the boat.
If he doesn't know why, then I will tell him he fucked up big time by not at least enquiring about that with his own brother. I never asked him to make them change their guest list, I never asked him to refuse to attend. I just wanted him to acknowledge me to his family.

Why are men so aaarrrghhhh sometimes?!!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 22:48

'Men' are individuals, same as women. Someone else - male or female - would have handled this a lot better and not left you feeling frozen out and offended

HootOnTheBeach · 21/02/2015 22:49

Are they aware that this is a serious relationship? Also curious as to why he didn't at least get a +1 option?

Original poster

AussiegirlUK · 21/02/2015 22:54

I decided to ask him via text so just sent him a message, just asking him to please give me the actual reason why I wasn't invited.
I cant wait until he gets home tomorrow night as I'm going to spend the whole time dwelling on it, and I know I will get upset when we talk in person. As I said before Im going through a bad period of being homesick and missing my family. Will be easier to do without me blubbing.

OP posts:

stopcrying · 21/02/2015 22:59

Aussiegirl, ive been there. It caused irreparable damage to the relationship, I could never get past the fact that he just hadnt stood up and at least asked. He just tried to brush it under the carpet. I spent the wedding day alone, feeling very sad, and even years later we couldnt talk about it. I do think now it was him, not the bride though. Hope it works out better for you.

SelfLoathing · 21/02/2015 23:04

He actually tried to hide the invite from me

Hmmm. This sounds more like it was him that didn't want you to go.

I wonder if he didn't want you to go for some reason as suggested above. It's not likely to be a good reason in terms of the seriousness of your relationship.

Original poster

AussiegirlUK · 21/02/2015 23:24

ok NOW I'm pissed off.
He responded to my question saying that he DID ask his brother, who said it was ok for me to rock up with him if that's what we wanted. But that he wasn't 100% sure if he was going to the wedding anyway, and didn't want to plan for me to go if he ended up not going himself.
I told him BULLSHIT. whether his plans were last minute or not they never included me because he had never spoken to me about any possibility of me going, and that it was lovely to know that it was HIM who didn't want me there rather than his family.
I'm so very hurt by all this :( Hes trying to fix it saying he didn't realize, he missed me, etc, but the damage is done. I just cant get my head around him choosing to go without me! This is not what I expected at all and I have no idea what to do next.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3