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Original poster

Wedding invite drama

67 replies

AussiegirlUK · 21/02/2015 21:30

Hi everyone
So, Im feeling really upset and left out today. I have been with my partner for 18 months, we have been living together for a year and he is a great stepfather to my two children. My point here is we are considered by my circle of friends to be a 'family unit', invites are always for both of us etc.
My partners family mostly live on the other side of the country, although his sister lives close by and I get on great with her. Ive met his parents too and we all got on fine, I email his mum since they went back home. His brother got married today. I wasn't invited to the wedding. Im so upset about this!

Firstly, I understand that weddings are hard, I am divorced so Ive been there. But according to my partners sister, absolutely everyone was invited, Uncles they haven't seen for years, Aunties they havent spoken to in years, and everyone received a plus one, married or not, except my partner and me. Really, hes the brother of the groom and if they are going to allow other guests to bring girlfriends who they have only been dating for a few months, why is it ok to exclude me? The wedding was only announced 4 months ago, so we had already been living together for a good long while when the invites went out. I just cant help feeling so very snubbed by the whole thing :(

But anyway, my main upset is with my partner. I always knew he would go whatever, its his brothers wedding! But not only did he not ask his brother if there was a reason I couldn't be invited, he didn't sit and have an adult conversation with me about it. I tried to tell him that I was feeling excluded but he just brushed it off. I know he doesn't particularly like his new sister in law, and maybe this whole thing made him uncomfortable, but I feel like he has made me feel insignificant to him. If the roles were reversed then I would have at least had a word and said 'hey, we are kind of a unit you know' not to try and force them to invite another person, but just to give some validity and recognition to a relationship I feel is very important to me. I would also have talked to him about it and made sure he knew why he wasn't invited.
Im an immigrant and him and my children are the only 'family' I have in this country. While my family have opened their arms to him and told him he is welcome to come to them anytime, I feel that his family have just made a very loud and clear statement that I am not part of their gang, I don't belong and I'm not welcome.

Does anyone have any advice for me on speaking to my partner about this? I know when he gets home tomorrow I'm going to be upset with him and I don't want it to turn into a huge thing. I'm emotional at the moment as I'm very homesick, and I don't want it to just come down to me being an 'emotional woman'. I feel that this is a very real thing and I want to deal with it sensibly.
Thanks everyone :)

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 21/02/2015 23:34

He def didn't want you there for one reason or another.

DemelzaandRoss · 21/02/2015 23:35

I think this would be a deal breaker for me. Clearly you need to have a long chat about what has happened. Maybe give yourself a couple of months to re-assess your feelings. If you still feel the same as you do at the moment, then finish the relationship.

DeliciousMonster · 21/02/2015 23:38

My first thought was to recommend that you go home to family. My second is to do that pronto. This man is not invested in you long term, sorry,

honeyroar · 21/02/2015 23:39

That's horrible. You poor thing. I'd be gutted too.

Jackw · 21/02/2015 23:40

Ouch, yeah, that's hurtful. I suggest no more texting tonight while you think about where you want to go from here.

flux500 · 21/02/2015 23:47

actions speak louder than words @aussiegirl and I think this message from is loud and clear. He is not as serious as you thought and clearly does not feel it's worth him introducing you to his family (yet)

maybe suggest having a lunch or something at your place to meet them all and see how he is with that. I'd his behaviour changes or you feel he's not on board with this then you need a very serious conversation indeed.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 21/02/2015 23:48

Shit. That must feel awful. I really think this is something that's going to take a lot to get past.

In the short term, I'd send the bride and groom a congratulations message, maybe explaining that there had been a misunderstanding and you hadn't deliberately snubbed their wedding. It sounds as though your DP has downplayed your relationship with his family.

I can't think what to suggest you do now with your DP. He needs to know he has majorly fucked up and not in the way that a bunch of flowers will solve. Behaviour, attitude and consideration needs to change if you are to stay together.

BuggersMuddle · 21/02/2015 23:52

This smells extremely fishy OP, sorry.

If he didn't give a shit about going (presumably because not close?) then he wouldn't have needed to hide the invite would he? 'Oh I've been invited to such-and-such, appears to be just me, not sure I can be arsed though?'

TBH unless he has a very odd family dynamic, I wouldn't buy that for a brother. I have shown up at events for more distant relations who I really wouldn't choose to socialise with for the sake of avoiding drama.

Who the fuck is last minute for their sibling's wedding anyway? Surely you either have a friendly / civilised familial relationship of some sort or you don't. In either scenario, I can't imagine not thinking through your plans. It's not an evening invite for the wedding of the bloke you used to work beside 5 years ago...

NameSwitcherooo · 22/02/2015 00:01

I just cant get my head around him choosing to go without me! This is not what I expected at all and I have no idea what to do next.

I'm so sorry OP.

I can't say I'm surprised though because this was exactly what happened to me as I posted above. Your story had so many echoes with mine that I thought there was a high chance it would be the same situation. And I was bang on as it turns out. I know how shit it feels - I felt so small and rejected and couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to show me off at the wedding.

As I said, we ended up staying together for 5 years and he always said later that he really regretted not inviting me - if that's any comfort.

Like my ex bf, yours had the opportunity to invite you. Why he didn't maybe something that you don't get to the bottom of for ages.

The most likely (true!) reasons - whatever he says - are

  • he isn't as serious about you as you think (men choose to live with women for financial or convenience reasons all the time - sex/housekeeper/wealthier partner)
  • he is undecided about your future so didn't want to embed you in his family
  • he couldn't deal with all the "so will you catch the bouquet then dear/when are you two down the isle" stuff that often goes on at weddings.
  • there was some woman going to be there that he has held a flame for for years/ ex gf he fancied his chances with and didn't want to turn up with you in two.

Whatever it is, it isn't good.

NameSwitcherooo · 22/02/2015 00:03

Who the fuck is last minute for their sibling's wedding anyway?

No one buggersmuddle. It is obvious bollox.

saffronwblue · 22/02/2015 00:11

He does seem very distant with his brother. I can't imagine this level of vagueness between siblings and agree whatever way you look at it it is very disrespectful to you.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/02/2015 02:44

Could there be something that he is either embarrassed about or doesn't want you to know about that maybe his family or friends present would be inclined to tease him about or think it's funny to tell you over his objections? That's stupid of him, but better than thinking he just didn't want you there & might explain why he was thinking he may not want to go himself.

I realize that's pretty unlikely but I actually didn't want my DH to go to an event for that reason.

sebsmummy1 · 22/02/2015 04:22

It sounds as though he thought he would enjoy the wedding better if he went on his own. Have you been rowing recently or anything like that?

pearpotter · 22/02/2015 04:31

I agree with NameSwitcheroo on the analysis.

Serious conversations need to be had.

Ouchbloodyouch · 22/02/2015 07:38

I know exactly how you feel. I wasn't invited to my ex-ps daughters wedding. We were very serious and it was my partner who vetoed my invite rather than his daughter Hmm I was close enough to her to know there were many random plus ones going! I did go in the end after I told him my hurt at being excluded.
But those up thread who think they could brush it off by saying couples choice etc. See how easily you can brush it off if it happens to you!
I read your update OP. I'm sorry x

Isetan · 22/02/2015 07:56

You have moved very quickly in this relationship and because you have children, your commitment to the relationship appears stronger than his. It doesn't sound like he's fully integrated you into his life.

He kept his options open and is prepared to evade and lie in order to so. I'd be very concerned as to why evasion and lying is preferable to being honest, the truth appears to be a harder sell than the lie.

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 22/02/2015 08:13

Sorry OP it doesn't look great.

Who the fuck is last minute for their sibling's wedding anyway

^^ This.

I wonder if he's not as invested in this relationship as you thought. Make sure you have a proper talk with him.

MaryWestmacott · 22/02/2015 09:01

Agree, he's not as committed as you are.

Do not plan to get pregnant with him.

Original poster
AussiegirlUK · 22/02/2015 09:57

Yes I'm very concerned. I have never had any reason to question his commitment, he has made huge commitments and been through the wringer to be with me. I come from a very nasty domestic abuse situation with the father of my children. Emotional abuse still continues to this day, with me being accused of harming the children on a number of occasions (Just to point out, the accusations are part of the exs abuse cycle and I have always been cleared immediately) My partner has also been accused by him, and so hes had to go through all that too. Ex stopped all child support last year, just after I went back to full time study. Partner supported me 100%, and hes fully financially responsible for my children now too.
I had been convinced all this would scare him off, as it would have done a lot of men, but he just seems to roll with it and says he is happier now he is part of our little family :( Weve had no arguments or anything. Hes a great family man, and prefers to socialize within our own little circle of other parents rather than going out with 'the boys'. Before this I would have said life was as good as its ever been! Its so out of the blue and I don't know whats going on.
He has sent me a few messages saying that he absolutely did not want to go to the wedding because he hates the way his new sil treats his brother. He said he was hoping work wouldn't let him have the time off and so that's why he arranged it so last minute. He said the sil has created the rift between him and his brother etc. He said he didn't see it as leaving me out, more like not making me have to be involved in it. I still don't like it. he lied to me and that's gonna take a lot more explaining.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 22/02/2015 10:09

All this he is saying sounds like excuses to me. If he thought it was going to be a difficult occasion, wouldn't he want his partner there for support?

I think you need to keep looking for the real reason he didn't want you there.

magoria · 22/02/2015 10:15

He doesn't like the way SIL treats he brother so he treated you shabbily in return.

Well that is a confusing message. Or just more BS.

You can't trust a liar because well they lie.

He did ask work for the time off. Before the wedding. If he didn't want to go he could just have not done so and lied to his brother that way.

So he could have talked to you before all this.

It may be a one off blip or it could be more.

Make it clear where you stand and one more lie like this and your relationship is worthless and needs to be ended.

DeliciousMonster · 22/02/2015 10:31

I'm a bit surprised that you AND your kids weren't invited.

littleleftie · 22/02/2015 10:38

He is lying.

He didn't want you there.

You have to decide what to do with this information Sad

Mylifepart2 · 22/02/2015 10:38

Struggling to see why he could not have discussed the SIL/BIL dynamic with you before?

So you were invited - but he did not let you know?

Were you aware before that he hadn't decided if he was going or not?

What was the context of the conversation with the SIL who lives close by?

Did she know you were invited but assumed you had snubbed?

Jackieharris · 22/02/2015 10:49

Going against the grain a bit but his explanation sounds plausible to me.

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