Wedding invite drama

[AussiegirlUK]

Hi everyone
So, Im feeling really upset and left out today. I have been with my partner for 18 months, we have been living together for a year and he is a great stepfather to my two children. My point here is we are considered by my circle of friends to be a 'family unit', invites are always for both of us etc.
My partners family mostly live on the other side of the country, although his sister lives close by and I get on great with her. Ive met his parents too and we all got on fine, I email his mum since they went back home. His brother got married today. I wasn't invited to the wedding. Im so upset about this!

Firstly, I understand that weddings are hard, I am divorced so Ive been there. But according to my partners sister, absolutely everyone was invited, Uncles they haven't seen for years, Aunties they havent spoken to in years, and everyone received a plus one, married or not, except my partner and me. Really, hes the brother of the groom and if they are going to allow other guests to bring girlfriends who they have only been dating for a few months, why is it ok to exclude me? The wedding was only announced 4 months ago, so we had already been living together for a good long while when the invites went out. I just cant help feeling so very snubbed by the whole thing :(

But anyway, my main upset is with my partner. I always knew he would go whatever, its his brothers wedding! But not only did he not ask his brother if there was a reason I couldn't be invited, he didn't sit and have an adult conversation with me about it. I tried to tell him that I was feeling excluded but he just brushed it off. I know he doesn't particularly like his new sister in law, and maybe this whole thing made him uncomfortable, but I feel like he has made me feel insignificant to him. If the roles were reversed then I would have at least had a word and said 'hey, we are kind of a unit you know' not to try and force them to invite another person, but just to give some validity and recognition to a relationship I feel is very important to me. I would also have talked to him about it and made sure he knew why he wasn't invited.
Im an immigrant and him and my children are the only 'family' I have in this country. While my family have opened their arms to him and told him he is welcome to come to them anytime, I feel that his family have just made a very loud and clear statement that I am not part of their gang, I don't belong and I'm not welcome.

Does anyone have any advice for me on speaking to my partner about this? I know when he gets home tomorrow I'm going to be upset with him and I don't want it to turn into a huge thing. I'm emotional at the moment as I'm very homesick, and I don't want it to just come down to me being an 'emotional woman'. I feel that this is a very real thing and I want to deal with it sensibly.
Thanks everyone :)

Hi Aussiegirl from your last post it certainly seems like he has taken on a lot and made sacrifices to be with you. it also seems like this is the first time he has messed up?

Your back story is quite dramatic and a lot for any one to take on. Could it be possible that DP's family are worried about him and perhaps not as supportive of your relationship as you thought, and he was trying to shield you from this?

I'm of course not saying that they have any reason to be, but unfortunately mud can sometimes stick.

He has stuffed up, big time.

Is he one of those people who communicates very poorly and makes mistakes as a result ?

I hope he is either majorly contrite about this or another reason emerges (old flame, weird family secret, embarrassing weird relatives).

Good luck, OP.

I am with JackieHarris. Perhaps it was a bit of a clumsy way of doing things, but it seems quite possible he was trying to protect you from something that he knew he was going to struggle with. Don't give up on him. Give him a chance to explain more and understand your frustrations, too.

Ys everyone, he struggles to communicate big time. He is THE most loving man I have ever met but finds it hard to talk about feelings. I know he loves me because he shows me all the time. And when he does say things, he really means them. this is the first thing he has done to stuff up.

So I spoke to him on the phone finally, and he was very surprised at how upset I was. He really didn't get it at first, but once I explained why I was upset and all the things I had been thinking, then he got all contrite and asked me to please hit him over the head with things that I'm bothered about in future because sometimes he is just dense and doesn't get it.

I do feel an awful lot better after speaking to him. I think that Knockmedown may be right, and it is his new SIL who may have a negative opinion of me. He wouldn't come out and say it, but he hinted that she is trying to cement her own 'standing in the family' by comparing herself to me, putting me in an unfavourable light. Kind of like 'oh well at least I'm not divorced from a sociopath hahaha' (like I am :()
I know he tries to shield me from things, he has put himself in the firing line to try and give me a break from my ex many times, saying he will shoulder anything as long as it stops me from having to :) So maybe in his own clumsy way, this was what he was trying to do here. He stuffed up about it lol, but I don't think he meant to hurt me.

And I told him how homesick I am. Money is a bit tight but we are going to start saving for a trip to see my family asap.

Very pleased to read this Aussie.

He sounds like a lovely man with a few faults. If all is as you say, I'd give him a 'bye' on this and use it as a learning tool for better communication.

His new SiL sounds like a potential nightmare for the whole family!

The serious conversation you have to have with him is that you are not some kind of child that has to be shielded. You're an adult, you're his partner and, if there's a problem or bad news, he must respect you enough to tell you the truth. Lies are not acceptable and 'good intentions' is no excuse.

It seems strange that you only mentioned his communication difficulties so late in the thread. Are you happy with him being evasive and lying to avoid being honest because if you are, expect a whole lot more 'misunderstandings' in the future.

Knock me down makes good points. Yes, the bloke has handled this badly. I personally wouldn't end a relationship on that basis alone. If it was part of a wider pattern,aside from the communication issues, that would be different.

He is well aware that I am not a child, and one of the things that drew him to me is my personal strength. However, having had my children abducted by my ex the week before xmas, being in court on an almost fortnightly basis since then, and being slapped with yet another abuse accusation I have been a little frayed lately.
We normally face everything together, but he does always try to do what he can to minimize outside stressors for me. He cant be the one going to court for me, so he does pretty much everything else. Hes not great at lying at subterfuge (obviously, by the way this all turned out lol) and I doubt he will think its a good idea again.
He is a good man. We all have faults. I have my own, but we accept each other for who we are. When I mentioned the communication issues, I should have specified that it is only verbal communication he struggles with. Its all the different 'love languages' thing. While he struggles to talk about things, we usually communicate just fine because he is great at non verbal. This whole situation was something that needed him to be more verbal with me, which is why it turned into such a drama.
I have very good instincts now, after living a fraught life with a man who gaslighted me constantly, and controlled every aspect of my life. And after speaking to my fella I don't have any little voices asking me if I really believe him. I also got an email from his mum lamenting what an idiot he is, after she pestered him relentlessly to tell her why I wasn't there. :D
He apologized, I accepted, and that should be the end of it.

I think that Knockmedown may be right, and it is his new SIL who may have a negative opinion of me.

He has sent me a few messages saying that he absolutely did not want to go to the wedding because he hates the way his new sil treats his brother. He said he was hoping work wouldn't let him have the time off and so that's why he arranged it so last minute. He said the sil has created the rift between him and his brother etc.

These two statements don't add up. He said he there is a rift with SIL/BIL - and him - this has nothing to do with you??? and likely was in place since she came on the scene (before you?) -- had he never mentioned this to you before in the 18 months you have been together? Were you totally unaware of this situation?

Have you since seen the invite? Were you invited or not by the SIL/BIL?

He apologized, I accepted, and that should be the end of it

I agree. No relationship is perfect, we all stumble and fall at times. Your fella made a bad judgment call with regards to the wedding invite. Life goes on. I'm sure he's learnt from this and that's the main thing.

after living a fraught life with a man who gaslighted me constantly, and controlled every aspect of my life

I am really sorry Aussiegirl, but that is exactly what he just did. Controlling things to protect you is still controlling things. If you hadn't dug and asked questions then you would be none the wiser about why you were not at that wedding. Added to that an issue with the SIL and you...and the 'oh silly me I am so dense'. No - this was a contrived attempt to stop you from going to that wedding, and it was only your dogged determination that got to what he now hopes is the end of it.

If he is as nice as you say, I might believe his reasons for not inviting you.

He sounds confused and his reactions and behaviour are not well thought out. This doesn't sound like the story of a master liar/manipulator.

Your Ex sounds like a nightmare, have you had any counselling regarding the past and ongoing grief this man represents.

I'm not saying your DP is abusive but given your relationship history and the speed at which you've moved in with this man, I can't help but think that another dysfunctional dynamic is being created.

I may be a lone voice, but I think he was acting with good intentions. He was trying to manage a difficult situation (not approving of the marriage, trying to get out of it without causing a rift etc) without burdening you with you.

Obviously, what he should have done was clued you in from the start that he didn't want to go and was trying to get out of it, but he chose to protect you from the grim detail. I'm guessing he does feel very protective of you, based on what you've said about your past and how he's been amazing in getting you to where you are today. He made a judgement to protect you from this, which backfired on him. I wouldn't be too quick to condemn him, especially as this was a one-off.

Not a lone voice Opaque I and others have said similar upthread.