Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

Thumb We aren't moving that far away no, although we are not local to this area only having moved here last May (for a fresh start ) she is not going to like that DH never gets up early at the weekend to feed her like her mummy does!

Across you would absolutely laugh at the total eclectic mix of things we have picked out for our new home. The table and chairs LOL.. there is NO WAY DH would have agreed to get those, but they were cheap and are quirky and unusual. I will upload a pic of them when they arrive (Monday)

Missed a call from broadband guys earlier so have called back and hope they call me back soon. Will be happy to live without the net for a while so if its not on, Ill post a very quick one to let you all know all is well. Me and my oldest DD have decided to buy a bottle of champagne this weekend to celebrate our new home. Our new second hand sofa is coming tomorrow and we are looking forward to watching (Aiden Turner...swoon) Poldark on Sunday. Sofa covers in desperate need of a good wash but when we tried it our earlier, it was just one of those sofas you melt into!

Have sorted man with a van to come tomorrow after 1 pm. Poor DD has to go to work, they wouldn't give her any time off so it will be just me.

Still no sign of my baby girl cat though, have really missed her today and wanted to have lots of cuddles with her today before I left her tomorrow

Broadband sorted out for Monday. Three bin bags of cr@p from youngests bedroom already.

Still no cat

Miss Cat will show up, if not today then another day. If you two feel that your H isn't taking good care of her, you can 'cat-nap' her.

Eclectic is tres chic these days, non?

How lovely to think of you sinking into your 2nd hand sofa with a bottle of champagne and Aidan Turner! I have to wait until June to see the new Poldark .

Mmmm Aiden Turner...

Balls

He is home now, its potentially our last night here and he is acting like a twat! trying to start arguments with me

Found something disturbing while looking through daughters room earlier, have to deal with that later.

Feel tonight is not going to go well!

Roll on tomorrow..

what is disturbing in your daughter's room ?

Breathe, breathe, breathe. Look at it like childbirth. Something painful that you MUST endure, but what a reward at the end of it!

Refuse to engage. Don't let him make you repeat behaviour that is part of the past. Tomorrow it won't matter if he wins an 'argument' tonight. Let him 'win' tonight. Tomorrow you will be gone.

Whatever you found in your daughter's room will wait until you get settled.

Good Luck!!!

I found some sexual girl on girl stories/ with pictures ticked away in her drawers while tidying today.

Have only had the energy so far to sit with her and say I am ready to talk about those stories I found in your second drawer, whenever you are ready. Gave her a cuddle, told her I loved her.

She was initially confused, but now she remembers.

Its fine, its all good. Just on top of missing cat, DH losing the plot and this I actually need someone to beam me up right now!

I'm so sorry if I seem to be dramatic, I have been a bit nervous today anyway and its all been a bit weird! feels surreal and have not said anything to DH, would usually share this with him but I'm not.

These are stories and pictures she has drawn herself by the way, sorry I am crap about being clear in my posts!

How old is she ?

She is 11 AF, just started secondary school. Honestly I am not too worried about this. She has mentioned, sorry "announced" to all of us before she thinks she might be gay.

Shrugged and said, its fine with me as long as you are happy.

Now you have added a bit more detail, my advice would be to play it down like you have done

the only concern would be if the images/stories included more graphic detail than you would expect an 11yo to have in her head IYSWIM

You sound like a really lovely mum :)

I agree with AF, unless the pictures depicted something she shouldn't know about, I would see it as completely normal. Particularly if she's been questioning her sexuality. She might have been trying to prove things one way or the other.

You're so close to getting away now. Can't wait to see your "we're here!" Update :)

OK, I am going to admit that paranoia has struck, I had to speak to her again. Went up to find those things she had written to look at them again only to find them gone.

I have salvaged them from the bin where she put them. Personally, I think what she has written is way beyond what an 11 year old should know. definitely more than I would have known at her age, but then I grew up in the 70's.

I asked her again.

We had the good touch/bad touch conversation (*again). She totally understands that if an adult is asking her to do anything then it is wrong. There are no secrets she has been told to keep from me, she looked me in the eye and told me this. I am confident she is telling me the truth.

Apparently she has looked at some of my Game of Thrones books!

I always leave one in the bathroom! I am on the penultimate book right now, not much of the sexual persuasion going on in that one right now but it all makes sense.

She loves books and always has.

Oh dear!

Lesson learned!

Yes, I wouldn't have thought that GOT books were suitable reading for a suggestible 11yo. Never mind, it's done now. I am sure many of us sneaked a look at our mum's Jackie Collins/Lace books back in the day. It won't have planted any ideas that were not there in the first place.

I remember reading "Lady Chatterley's lover" at a very unsuitable age!

I have no idea whether she is getting this from school or somewhere else she shouldn't be.

Either way I am alert and worried now!

Moving day tomorrow..

It will be fine, you obviously have a good and open relationship with her...just hide the books!

ah yes Jackie Collins...what a disappointment to find all men didn't have a steely grey gaze and a panther like walk.....

A glance at at 'questionable' book, a 'fact of life told at school by another girl, a scene shown on telly. They all add up to a soup of misinformation and sexual thoughts, even for an 11 year old. As long as you feel she has not been taken advantage of and she knows you are there to answer her questions without judging all will be well.

Unlike my generation, who were told virtually nothing and had to learn it all with questionable books and the even more questionable 'experiences' of our chums. All my mother told me about sex was "Don't, until you are married".

Don't worry too much about the stories. I had that awareness at her age. X

My baby girl cat is still missing... Absolutely devastated

On the paranoia front I think he has engineered this somehow

How can I possibly leave him if the cat is missing?

I am totally wrong to think this, i really hope so.

That cat will/won't come back whether you are there or not.

11 is just the normal age for that kind of thing. Just the age, in fact, when I was tracing pictures of naked women from my mother's art books (and suddenly got worried that she might notice the indentations in the paper). Eep, I've never told anyone that before! This was half a century quite a long time ago, so there wasn't much else around when sexual curiosity kicked off.

I 'snogged' a girl at my house age 10 (play acted)
Read my mum's Jackie Collins at 11 and flowers in the attic.
Interested in best friend and my bodies in first year of secondary school and in summer when she slept at my house we looked at 'hugged' and were interested.
It was just puberty Imo
I was not 'forward ' abused or any worrying thing
And we both ended up being interested in boys

Of course you can leave if the cat is missing. Staying won't bring her back. And you know deep down what the right thing to do is. I know establishing a new life, even when you want it, can be scary. Don't give yourself cold (cat-) feet.

Cats are notorious for making themselves absent around house-moves. We had to shut ours up for a few days before we moved because she kept trying to get out. I think the packing & bustle makes them nervous. Chances are she'll come back after you've left and things are quiet. Then you can worry about how to get her from your H.

I agree. You cannot halt your leaving plans because of the cat. I doubt your H has engineered it, but if he has, all the more reason to carry on leaving.

You cannot take this guilt on board, it is NOT your fault.