Have posted before but got slated for my inaction. Always think it will improve and of course...
Recently I have become a bully. I'm not sure how or why but that would appear to be the case. Apparently I always know best. There isn't a day goes by when I don't call him stupid.
I never call him stupid, although I do occasionally use numpty, because despite the fact that we are frequently called bitches and cunts, he doesn't like being called names.
We got into trouble last week for putting all something away. This is bullying because when we put it away, we are aware that it hurts him to have to reach down and get it (he has a physical disability). We are aware of this, but he'd gone to bed, and we thought it would be okay because said item would be back in place before he got up. Only he got up earlier than expected. I spend most of my day apologising. Yesterday because I had said something about my mother not being able to make friends and that reminds him he has no friends. Today I said something about weight loss but that reminds him he's fat (he isn't) and it's all a dig at him because I'm not sensitive enough or aware enough of this. I also got into trouble for not giving him a hug as soon as I walked in (went out for a walk which was longer than usual so knew I'd be in trouble one way or another). I'm always in trouble, I can't get anything right. I didn't get him to his dentist appointment last month due to dd being ill, and hadn't got around to making another, apparently his teeth weren't as bad then as they are now and that's my fault. I haven't got a heavy item in from the garage, he knew it wouldn't happen. I got into trouble this evening and do you know what, I'm not sure what for, he just told me he was offering advice which I never take and I'm stubborn and don't listen and don't back down and always have to be right. I'm confused that's for sure.
I had counselling last year, it really helped me stand up to him, but that's all slipped again. I'm so tired, I don't sleep properly, he wakes me up in the night and I have night sweats so a combination of the two makes it hellish. I cry every single day. He never lets up, it's fucking relentless and yet because he's ill, mentally and physically, I don't feel I can do anything. I can't throw him out, he has nowhere to go and needs full time care, although not as much as he thinks, if you see what I mean. There are things he doesn't do that he could do. Things he makes much of, which are nothing.