My Mum is making my life a misery

[NotWantedAnywhere]

Just posting here because I feel fit to burst inside.

I'm late thirties and have an 11 year old child with some mild special needs but he's been the focus of my life really since he was born. I had to give up my career (I worked in events and was quite high up) to care for him as his needs were much more significant when he was younger and I really missed that work.My son's Dad was abusive, so I left right after I had the baby. He has never given me a penny, nor shown any interest or helped me in any way so I have been very much a "single Mum".

I built up a home-based business and worked from home for the first 5 years of my son's life and barely went out or saw anyone and got very depressed over that time. My family lived nearby but were not helpful at all.

Then I hooked up with an old school friend on Facebook and we started to chat and fell in love. I thought he was "Mr Right". He told me I was the love of his life, he told me he wanted to raise my son with me and he offered me a life as his wife. I thought he was a really good person and grew to love him very much so when he was offered a job transfer abroad, I went with him.

We were very happy for 4.5 years until one day he left me saying he had made a mistake and did not love me, did not want to raise my son and he basically just vanished.

I moved back home at Christmas, after finally saving up the money to do so, and am now living with my parents while I get on my feet. I started another home based business that is doing okay and I work very hard at it, but it's not yet making enough to afford rent and to move out on my own.

My new business is in my old line of work (events) and gets me out and about and I feel human again, my confidence coming back and I do love doing it and feel like it will give me my career dream at the end of this period of start-up. I have achieved a lot of success with it, including press articles on my new business and some great clients.

My main problem really is that my Mum is really getting me down.

She is just so mean, almost all the time.

She is always on the phone to my sister saying mean stuff about me, how I am ruining her life and taking away her freedom by being here and she is always being really passive aggressive towards me. She plays the martyr all the time.

She's OCD, so if I wash my hands in the sink I am panicking there is a splash of water, and even though I am constantly trying to do chores and keep her house perfect, she is almost always angry.

If my son spills a drink, she won't talk to me for hours like it is my fault.

I told her that her being so nasty really hurts me, and if she wants me to do something please ask and you just can't win. She doesn't want me to do things, she wants me to be gone and that's the truth. Nothing I can ever do would satisfy her.

If I am emptying the dishwasher, she literally starts re-filling it WHILE I am still emptying it and acts angry I am not doing it fast enough. If I put one t-shirt and a pair of socks in the wash she expects it to go on, and for me to watch it in the washing machine to the minute because if it stays in there for more than 3 minutes after the cycle ends she gets angry and says I am lazy.

She gets angry if I am working. She gets angry if I am not working. She gets angry if I need to go to a business appointment and she needs to babysit (even thought my son just plays xbox) and instead of being pleased for me that my work is going well she just doesn't want to help me get on my feet AT ALL.

I have been here two months, and went out ONCE a night and two weeks later she was STILL angry at me and barely speaking to me because I had been so selfish as to go out and leave my son with her.

Reality is, she was pissed off it was not HER going to the party because it was for one of my friends and my Mum knows her Mum from 20 years ago so clearly thought she should have been invited instead of babysitting.

She was like this when I was a child, and I was such a nervous and sad child as a result. When she was my age, she was always out, always glamorous, had a rich husband paying for everything for her and she seems to completely not see how sad my little life has been for the past decade, how much pain and struggle I have been through and how much I just need....well...a place to get back on my feet.

I want her to stop being so fucking obsessed with her house and welcome her Grandson into her home for a few months without giving me any shit.

I want her to be bending over backwards with happiness if I have an invitation to a party because she actually WANTS me to have a life and maybe have a husband of my own one day maybe.

I want her to be glad my business is doing well and be happy to babysit.

All my son does when she babysits is play bloody xbox and he goes nowhere near her anyway. Why does she have to lay a guilt trip on me constantly fro breathing?

I really love my Mum, she has lot of good qualities but she is making it very hard for me to feel welcome. I am still struggling with what my ex did and how unwanted he made me feel and I just feel so confused and feel sometimes like I can;t cope anymore.

Should I give up my dream business I have worked so hard on for the past year and a half just so I can get away from this?

What is my Mum's problem? she is 61...I am 37...why does she not WANT me to have a life? Does she not love me?

What a hard time you are having. Did your mum invite you to stay or was it your idea? Just trying to understand why she feels so resentful.

She in invited me but then is resentful.

She complains she is making dinner, but then if you offer and go to the shops to buy stuff she says she'd rather do it.

nothing ever makes her happy.

You said you've gone to live with your parents while you get back on your feet - but you've only mentioned your mum. Where is he in all this? Is he welcoming? Does he rein her in al all?

Has she always been the same? It sounds tough, how close are you to being able to move out? Sometimes setting an end goal can be helpful.
Bear in mind she'll probably then tell you how much she misses you both, and how empty the house is, and you must visit more...

I mean where is your dad in all this?

I try and keep him out of it. He's okay, but just stays out of the way and is just as scared of her as we are. To be honest if I raised any of this with him, he would get angry at her, then there would be fight with smashed plates and drunk driving and all sorts of drama just like when I was a kid.

Yes she was ALWAYS the same. When I was 12 years old I wnated a sleepover and she said "no" because I would mess up. My Dad argued with her about it and it ended with my 12th birthday spent crying my eyes out while all my Dad's stuff was chucked out the window on the front lawn.

The funny thing is, if I moved out and was fine and did not need her for anything and was taking her out for lunches...she would be the empitome of sweetness and light.

What a sad user-name :-(

I think you need to plan to move out sooner rather than later if it's not working out you living together.

Have you looked into what benefits you might be able to claim whilst your business gets off the ground?

She probably has her own problems and needs her space. She probably worries about you and your future a lot which then manifests itself in her being short and cross with you. It's a difficult situation your son's father isn't helping you so your family are stepping in to help. Your ex has not lifted a finger. I would try to be grateful to you mum by ignoring her criticisms and doing things that may help her. How old is your son?

Again I think she is behaving like that because she is worried about you and your son's future and doesn't know how to help long-term.

To move back home at 37 is an option most people simply wouldn't have. Speaking for myself , my sister & every female ( or male ) friend I have ,we would simply have to make our own way in life regardless of circumstances.
Your post reads as though you think you are entitled to live there and that may be the root of the terrible atmosphere. It seems to me that you are just not welcome.
That sounds terribly harsh and I know you've experienced some difficulties but this is just life I'm afraid.

Her OCD has a lot to do with her behaviour and wanting to control everything. She is clearly a very unhappy person, try not to take it personally, easier said than done.
Unless she acknowledges and seeks help she is highly unlikely to change.
If I were you I'd look to moving asap.

Your mother was and is not a good parent to you and remains a poor example of a grandmother to your child. Toxic parents make for being toxic grandparent figures too.

You seem to be really steeped in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to your mother which is not altogether sadly surprising given what has happened to you to date. Those are but three of many damaging legacies left by such people to their now adult offspring.

You do not mention your own dad; is he at all present in your life these days?.

Does she really have a lot of good qualities; all I see here are really all the hallmarks of a toxic, angry, selfish and self absorbed woman who is your mother and you as her daughter who is still wanting her mother's approval at great cost to herself and her son (approval she will never give you).

If you are living with your mother you need to move out asap for your own sake as well as your DC, its not working out at all and her OCD is playing havoc as well.

Such emotionally damaged women like your mother are emotionally damaged, beyond reasoned argument and only love their own selves. None of your wishes re your mother above will happen simply because she is not built that way; her own family of origin did that lot of damage to her and you are further being harmed by you and your son having any form of contact with her. It is NOT your fault she is the way she is; you did not cause that to happen. The situation will not change because such people like your mother do not change.

Would you go low contact now or even no contact with regards to her?.

Keep your business going and make a nice life for you and your child without either her or your sister in it; you do not need these people and family are not binding. You are escaping bad things.

I would also suggest you seek out a therapist re this dysfunctional relationship but you must find someone who has NO bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Posting also on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on this Relationships page could also help you a lot too.

you know, my best friend was in the same position and her own Mum let her live with her for 2 years. She babysat every day so my friend could go to work, and she was much older and the child was much younger. I was welcome to go and stay. My friend was able to go out at night, and met her (now) lovely fiance who she was given the time and opportunity to both meet and date.

I just feel like I get such a shitty deal, and the worst bit is I know my Mum badmouths me to everyone...like the extended family and my siblings so THEY are angry with me too and think I am lazy or whatever.

It's just not true! I am spotlessly tidy and constantly offerring to do things and she refuses then acts annoyed that she is doing it. I feel like if people saw behind closed doors they would be so shocked.

My Mum's sister has her two grandchildren every Friday night so the parents can have date night. It's like...I get NO help at all and somehow manage to get put down anyway.

I bend over backwards for Mum...oferring to make her food, inviting her to places even though I'd rather go with one of my friends my own age.

I recently got 6 theatre tickets to a prestigious show and gave her FOUR of them and only took two for myself.

I wish she could see me as I am. Hard working, resilient, unselfish, a good Mum. Instead all she does is bitch

sorry all those posts cam in as I was typing, sorry I keep ranting, I am just sitting here in tears because she's made me SO depressed this morning.

Why? Because she cleaned the house. I offerred to clean the house for her and she said no she wanted it done her way, and she's STILL pissed off.

And why does she need to clean the house in the middle of my work day? I'm already struggling to finish my work with my son on half term. Grrr...

I will read those posts now.

Jackie0 - She invited me!

Your boundaries re your mother are far too low anyway and these need to be further raised with immediate effect. You can start by no longer bending over backwards for your mother; she does not want it and probably sees your kindness as weakness on your part as well. She likely as well will not seek any treatment for her OCD and myriad of other issues.

She will never give you the approval that you have sought from her since childhood. You are really the scapegoat for her inherent selfishness and ills; I see that your sister and her children are more favoured (your sister is the golden child in this dysfunctional dynamic. The golden child role is one not without price either but your sister is as yet still unaware of the price to be paid).

Move out asap and rebuild your life without either your mother and sister in it. You do not need these people in your life, such people suck the very joy out of it.

Your mother doesnt sound like a particularly nice person. She is angry, unhappy, selfish, unreasonable, and she clearly has mental and emotional problems if she has OCD.

You can't make her into the apple pie mom you would like her to be.

I know this unfair and other people get great mums, but life isn't fair.

I would focus on getting out of the as soon as you possible can, and then staying away from her.

Yes, she invited you because in her mind that was the respectable thing to do but everything she is doing is saying the opposite. If I were you I wouldn't be there one minute longer that absolutely necessary.

She definitely doesn't want you there.
I'm sorry op, I have some personal experience of toxic parents myself.

Thanks Atilla, that was really helpful.

I know my mother was not a good parent. I spent 5 years in therapy for anxiety attacks and unravelled all the ways she was odd. I was made to feel not wnated and in the way as a small child, and to be honest - I don't know WHY she had children if she did not want them around.

I was only allowed to ask her for a toy, which she would get out of the toybox for me. She ironed pants and socks. We were not allowed to wash out hands in case we wet the sink. We were not allowed to touch our clothes.

Once we were teenagers, she became lovely. She wanted to go out with us and all our friends, and once our friends were grown ups she loved it and wnated to be part of "the gang".

This is why she is so resentful of me ever going out.

My Dad is quite agressive, but keeps to himself and stays out of her way. She is just as bad to him. He recently went for a week away to work and when he came home she did not speak to him for 24 hours and slept on the sofa because he brought laundry home with him (???) and she deliberately made a dinner he was allerigic to. She did not even say hello to him. this is what she is like.

All my siblings suck up to her, as do I, but yes, she does have a lot of good qualities and like I said if I was not living here and not asking her for any assistance of any kind she would be lovely and more than happy to phone me to moan about my Dad.

I can;t even remember the last time I told her how I felt or what was upsetting me because all she ever wants to talk about it herself.

She had an absolutely awful childhood. Very chaotic and abusive. She was left outside school so long she soiled herself.

Atilla

I was the golden child until I had my son. As soon as that put me in a weak, single Mum position, she lost interest in me.

Now my sister is the favourite because she is successful, gives my Mum expensive gifts and is childless.

I'm sorry about your mum's childhood, and it's clear where her OCD comes from. It sounds like she never really has been mentally and emotionally ok, and it's had a very damaging emotional impact on you.

In this situation you really need to protect yourself. You can't fix her, and she can't be the person you need her to be right now.

I don't think it is unreasonable of you to expect your mum to help you out. I am of the opinion that parents have a lifelong obligation to be there for their children.
I have a very difficult relationship with my mum and I really feel for you.
The difference is that I would not let her humiliate me twice.
About 7 years ago she insisted that I move in in one of her properties and work for her. Couple of months later she complained that I was living off her, sponging etc so I just left with a bag of stuff I had and took a miserable job that offered live in accommodation and that was it.
I've also noticed that every time she offers me something is followed by a huge argument started by her. We only get along when i never accept anything from her.

I suggest you do your best, save and maybe rent a room/share accommodation until you can afford more. It will keep you sane and it will give you a sense of freedom that will be worth all the effort. Your confidence will boost in the long run.
Your son must sense the tension and he probably is affected by this too.
You seem to be a very strong person, I'm sure you can do it!

OP, sounds like you have to get out of there. Hope you have enough money soon to be able to move.
I feel sorry for you that you had to move back in with her.

Well done for getting your business up and running again, you sound quite capable. Don't let her get you down.

Hello Notwanted. You and your child are in a hard station.
Is there any council/ charity housing scheme that could help you? I'm afraid I don't know much about housing or benefits but you and your son's mental health is very important and you sound so very stressed.
I had a very fractious relationship with my mother and a lot of what you have written has sent a frozen chill from my memory banks.

Thanks all of you. I think you are all right and I do have to get out. It's going to mean taking a full time job though, and I wil have to do my business at the same time. I'll find a way, just so hard and fell like I am neglecting my son who's already been through his wanker of a stepfather running out on him and his whole life disappering.

I just had this fantasy in my head that if I could just get through the year and save up the money to move back home after what happenned to us that I would somehow be safe and loved and welcomed and it's just been nothing like that.

I thought it would be fab...that he could go to school, I could run my business and I;d have babysitters around (like Mum and sister) so I'd have a chance to actually maybe date, or have some sort of life.

It's perhaps just a silly fantasy, but after reading all this I know I am not going to get what I wished for, or what I would give to my own son from her and I need to accept it and be tough and move forward without help.

We do get some benefits, but certainly not enough to live in this area where his school is. I will have to go back to full time work and put the business on the backburner.

Perhaps selfish to think I could have done it anyway.

I guess I expected her to be proud. I was in the paper. A massive website ran a youtube video blog on me. i was doing WELL. Wish she saw it that way and wnated to offer anything at all to help me on my way, especially after such a shit childhood but I realise I'm being a whiny baby