My Mum is making my life a misery

[NotWantedAnywhere]

Just posting here because I feel fit to burst inside.

I'm late thirties and have an 11 year old child with some mild special needs but he's been the focus of my life really since he was born. I had to give up my career (I worked in events and was quite high up) to care for him as his needs were much more significant when he was younger and I really missed that work.My son's Dad was abusive, so I left right after I had the baby. He has never given me a penny, nor shown any interest or helped me in any way so I have been very much a "single Mum".

I built up a home-based business and worked from home for the first 5 years of my son's life and barely went out or saw anyone and got very depressed over that time. My family lived nearby but were not helpful at all.

Then I hooked up with an old school friend on Facebook and we started to chat and fell in love. I thought he was "Mr Right". He told me I was the love of his life, he told me he wanted to raise my son with me and he offered me a life as his wife. I thought he was a really good person and grew to love him very much so when he was offered a job transfer abroad, I went with him.

We were very happy for 4.5 years until one day he left me saying he had made a mistake and did not love me, did not want to raise my son and he basically just vanished.

I moved back home at Christmas, after finally saving up the money to do so, and am now living with my parents while I get on my feet. I started another home based business that is doing okay and I work very hard at it, but it's not yet making enough to afford rent and to move out on my own.

My new business is in my old line of work (events) and gets me out and about and I feel human again, my confidence coming back and I do love doing it and feel like it will give me my career dream at the end of this period of start-up. I have achieved a lot of success with it, including press articles on my new business and some great clients.

My main problem really is that my Mum is really getting me down.

She is just so mean, almost all the time.

She is always on the phone to my sister saying mean stuff about me, how I am ruining her life and taking away her freedom by being here and she is always being really passive aggressive towards me. She plays the martyr all the time.

She's OCD, so if I wash my hands in the sink I am panicking there is a splash of water, and even though I am constantly trying to do chores and keep her house perfect, she is almost always angry.

If my son spills a drink, she won't talk to me for hours like it is my fault.

I told her that her being so nasty really hurts me, and if she wants me to do something please ask and you just can't win. She doesn't want me to do things, she wants me to be gone and that's the truth. Nothing I can ever do would satisfy her.

If I am emptying the dishwasher, she literally starts re-filling it WHILE I am still emptying it and acts angry I am not doing it fast enough. If I put one t-shirt and a pair of socks in the wash she expects it to go on, and for me to watch it in the washing machine to the minute because if it stays in there for more than 3 minutes after the cycle ends she gets angry and says I am lazy.

She gets angry if I am working. She gets angry if I am not working. She gets angry if I need to go to a business appointment and she needs to babysit (even thought my son just plays xbox) and instead of being pleased for me that my work is going well she just doesn't want to help me get on my feet AT ALL.

I have been here two months, and went out ONCE a night and two weeks later she was STILL angry at me and barely speaking to me because I had been so selfish as to go out and leave my son with her.

Reality is, she was pissed off it was not HER going to the party because it was for one of my friends and my Mum knows her Mum from 20 years ago so clearly thought she should have been invited instead of babysitting.

She was like this when I was a child, and I was such a nervous and sad child as a result. When she was my age, she was always out, always glamorous, had a rich husband paying for everything for her and she seems to completely not see how sad my little life has been for the past decade, how much pain and struggle I have been through and how much I just need....well...a place to get back on my feet.

I want her to stop being so fucking obsessed with her house and welcome her Grandson into her home for a few months without giving me any shit.

I want her to be bending over backwards with happiness if I have an invitation to a party because she actually WANTS me to have a life and maybe have a husband of my own one day maybe.

I want her to be glad my business is doing well and be happy to babysit.

All my son does when she babysits is play bloody xbox and he goes nowhere near her anyway. Why does she have to lay a guilt trip on me constantly fro breathing?

I really love my Mum, she has lot of good qualities but she is making it very hard for me to feel welcome. I am still struggling with what my ex did and how unwanted he made me feel and I just feel so confused and feel sometimes like I can;t cope anymore.

Should I give up my dream business I have worked so hard on for the past year and a half just so I can get away from this?

What is my Mum's problem? she is 61...I am 37...why does she not WANT me to have a life? Does she not love me?

Hmm..

Ok.

Me coming up with £20 to go out one night in two months does not indicate I'm reckless with money. But thanks for that harsh judgement!

As I explained, the best schools are where my Mum lives. My son has special needs and his wellbeing is more important than anything. I applied to the council for a council place and was rejected. Housing benefit would help a little but not enough. Like I said, the only possible way to afford to move out is to get a full time job, and even then I would need to save for a couple of months.

My Mum invited me here. Not once, but many times, and it took me a very long time to afford the costs of the move on a tiny income and I spent a year abroad completely on my own, barely leaving the house, barely going anywhere and eating fish fingers every day to afford it. I sold everything I had to pay for the flights. I even sold my engagement ring, so please don't judge me - you know absolutely nothing about what's gone on in my life.

I've been to hell and back and like someone said I thought I could have a safe harbour for a few bloody months to get myself back on my feet and I am working really, really hard.

That's not using my Mum, that's expectation on her to be there for me. Expectation based on her the past 20 years since I left home of all the things I have done for her, all the times I have been there for her, all the times I have given her money and nice surprises or invited her to stay with me....and yes...based on the fact that in my head family should be there for you and the fact that the majority of other people I know would be welcomed by their family in my situation.

I get that this might not be what I have and i need to accept that, but I also don't think there's anything wrong with feeling hurt or angry about that.

I agree she does not want me living here, but that doesn't change the fact that she said she did, and that I went through enormous stress, saving and upheaval to make that change with a child in tow based on her assurances that we were welcome here as long as we needed and planned our lives around that.

If she'd not said that, I'd have made a diferrent plan!

I think as others have said, your mother does not want you there and you need to move out. I sympathise, as my mum too would talk the talk but in reality has never helped with my children. When I was giving birth to my second child, she arrived at my house within an hour and a half but did not bother to collect my son who was with a friend. My mother in law collected my son after she'd spent the whole day travelling the length of the country. She's the same now. My dh recently won a holiday at work, and she said, well you can't go, who would have the children?! My mother in law said immediately, go, I will look after the kids! I'm sorry, that she isn't the mother you want. I really think you need to act like she doesn't exist. Get your own place, even if you need to claim benefits yo do do.

The relationship you have with your mother has limitations, she's never going to be the mother that your friends have and the sooner you accept that and erect boundaries to protect yourself from her poor behaviour, the better.

This is who she is and who she'll probably always be, you are neither her emotional punchbag or therapist.

She did invite you. She can't cope with you and your child being there. And she isn't honest enough to tell you "look, I invited you here but now I have realised that I cannot stand it". But her behaviour makes it really clear that she wants you out. And this can be really harmful for your child (let alone you).

Leave. Or start making plans to leave soon.