My Mum is making my life a misery

[NotWantedAnywhere]

Just posting here because I feel fit to burst inside.

I'm late thirties and have an 11 year old child with some mild special needs but he's been the focus of my life really since he was born. I had to give up my career (I worked in events and was quite high up) to care for him as his needs were much more significant when he was younger and I really missed that work.My son's Dad was abusive, so I left right after I had the baby. He has never given me a penny, nor shown any interest or helped me in any way so I have been very much a "single Mum".

I built up a home-based business and worked from home for the first 5 years of my son's life and barely went out or saw anyone and got very depressed over that time. My family lived nearby but were not helpful at all.

Then I hooked up with an old school friend on Facebook and we started to chat and fell in love. I thought he was "Mr Right". He told me I was the love of his life, he told me he wanted to raise my son with me and he offered me a life as his wife. I thought he was a really good person and grew to love him very much so when he was offered a job transfer abroad, I went with him.

We were very happy for 4.5 years until one day he left me saying he had made a mistake and did not love me, did not want to raise my son and he basically just vanished.

I moved back home at Christmas, after finally saving up the money to do so, and am now living with my parents while I get on my feet. I started another home based business that is doing okay and I work very hard at it, but it's not yet making enough to afford rent and to move out on my own.

My new business is in my old line of work (events) and gets me out and about and I feel human again, my confidence coming back and I do love doing it and feel like it will give me my career dream at the end of this period of start-up. I have achieved a lot of success with it, including press articles on my new business and some great clients.

My main problem really is that my Mum is really getting me down.

She is just so mean, almost all the time.

She is always on the phone to my sister saying mean stuff about me, how I am ruining her life and taking away her freedom by being here and she is always being really passive aggressive towards me. She plays the martyr all the time.

She's OCD, so if I wash my hands in the sink I am panicking there is a splash of water, and even though I am constantly trying to do chores and keep her house perfect, she is almost always angry.

If my son spills a drink, she won't talk to me for hours like it is my fault.

I told her that her being so nasty really hurts me, and if she wants me to do something please ask and you just can't win. She doesn't want me to do things, she wants me to be gone and that's the truth. Nothing I can ever do would satisfy her.

If I am emptying the dishwasher, she literally starts re-filling it WHILE I am still emptying it and acts angry I am not doing it fast enough. If I put one t-shirt and a pair of socks in the wash she expects it to go on, and for me to watch it in the washing machine to the minute because if it stays in there for more than 3 minutes after the cycle ends she gets angry and says I am lazy.

She gets angry if I am working. She gets angry if I am not working. She gets angry if I need to go to a business appointment and she needs to babysit (even thought my son just plays xbox) and instead of being pleased for me that my work is going well she just doesn't want to help me get on my feet AT ALL.

I have been here two months, and went out ONCE a night and two weeks later she was STILL angry at me and barely speaking to me because I had been so selfish as to go out and leave my son with her.

Reality is, she was pissed off it was not HER going to the party because it was for one of my friends and my Mum knows her Mum from 20 years ago so clearly thought she should have been invited instead of babysitting.

She was like this when I was a child, and I was such a nervous and sad child as a result. When she was my age, she was always out, always glamorous, had a rich husband paying for everything for her and she seems to completely not see how sad my little life has been for the past decade, how much pain and struggle I have been through and how much I just need....well...a place to get back on my feet.

I want her to stop being so fucking obsessed with her house and welcome her Grandson into her home for a few months without giving me any shit.

I want her to be bending over backwards with happiness if I have an invitation to a party because she actually WANTS me to have a life and maybe have a husband of my own one day maybe.

I want her to be glad my business is doing well and be happy to babysit.

All my son does when she babysits is play bloody xbox and he goes nowhere near her anyway. Why does she have to lay a guilt trip on me constantly fro breathing?

I really love my Mum, she has lot of good qualities but she is making it very hard for me to feel welcome. I am still struggling with what my ex did and how unwanted he made me feel and I just feel so confused and feel sometimes like I can;t cope anymore.

Should I give up my dream business I have worked so hard on for the past year and a half just so I can get away from this?

What is my Mum's problem? she is 61...I am 37...why does she not WANT me to have a life? Does she not love me?

Your Mum reminds me of my Mum in some respects.

My Mum is like a display model mobile phone you get in a mobile phone shop. She looks like a Mum, calls herself a Mum and will tell anyone who will listen that she will do anything for us. However when you pick up the mobile phone it's really just a shell which doesn't do anything.

Several times in recent years I've fallen into the trap of thinking I can rely on her, like she will happily tell me and everyone else that I can, but I am quickly disillusioned and I realise she is not there for me in any real way.

It sounds to me OP that your Mum has some similar behaviours. I suspect that she offered for you and your DS to move in because 'that's what good Mum's do' but the reality is that she didn't want that and isn't truly prepared to support you.

I think you need to learn that your Mum doesn't do what she says on the tin and that you cant possibly live with her. It is extremely unlikely that she will ever change and she will probably only get worse.

It's a horrible realisation but it's much easier then having certain expectations and being disappointed all the time.

Gosh some mother!

In all honesty I would actually endure this situation for a little longer until your business is up and running so you can afford to move out.

Once you move out I would tell her exactly what you think of her shocking behaviour then never look back.

No point having someone in your life if everything has to be on their terms.

My Mum is like a display model mobile phone you get in a mobile phone shop. She looks like a Mum, calls herself a Mum and will tell anyone who will listen that she will do anything for us. However when you pick up the mobile phone it's really just a shell which doesn't do anything.

Exactly.

And i hate saying it because everyone feels sorry for my Mum because her childhood was so brutal, and she makes a career out of being a martyr but although we were always perfectly fed, perfectly dressed, picked up from school on time, given plenty of money and expensive toys, I just feel this void inside me.

I don't ever remember having a bedtime story or playing barbies. I didn't even realise until I had my son quite how fucked up it was that I have NO memories of that at all.

I remember my childhood being mostly scared. Walking on eggshells. Trying to make her happy or impress her and it always being so short lived. Same with Dad really I guess.

I don't remember ever calling her because I needed to talk. She just only really talks about herself.

She's a good Grandma. She's good to you if you're ill...like she really takes care of you.

I spent a lot of years "ill" and my ex actually told me once it was okay, I didn't need to be ill anymore all the time because he loved me anyway.

then he left of course.

I am so sorry for you.

My mum is the same. So so many odd and horrible things.

You are right you do deserve a better mother. If you were my daughter I would do all the things you describe. I would be proud, cook for you, encourage you,help you save, play with your son, go on walks with you and listen and be there for you. That is what real mothers do.

But... You and I do not have that. I have still not cracked the need for approval. I don't know what to recommend. All I do know is that you sound very very strong, you have buckets of self awareness and you will never be like her.

It's time to hoick up your big girl pants, get a job and move out. Your son will not suffer going to a childminder etc. You never know what new opportunities the new job will bring. You can get a lovely flat and live in peace. And if you find out the answer on how to let go, can you let me know!

I love you and I am proud of you.

sunshineandshowers that was the mostly lovely post I have ever heard and such kindness from a stranger. It really made me feel so brightened.

I did get up a bit of confidence after the thread and had a chat with Mum and told her that her being so moody made me unhappy and she says she doesn't intend to be so controlling and moody but she is unhappy inside. She actually cried and said she didn't like it about herself.

Maybe I can do something to help her. She does have a good heart, just she is so stuck in this pattern of being like this. I asked her what she wnated and she says she wants a part time job and friends of her own.

Maybe I can help?

to all of you with nasty narcistic mums.
Wiil I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcistic mothers. Karyl McBride.
The emotionally absent mother. A guide to self healing and getting the love you missed. Jasmine Lee.
I hope you find these books useful.

I am glad to be a support.

Maybe you can change her.

I have tried to help my mum literally hundreds of times. But nothing has ever changed.

We all struggle sometimes. It is part of the human condition. I try to help my friends and family etc. but there comes a point where we have to take responsibility for ourselves. You could have given up when you split up with your sons dad, but you didn't. You womaned up and got on with it.

Why should your mother treat you like this? It's fine that she's unhappy iyswim and would like some friends, but she should say so, do something about it and ask for help, not bully her daughter and grandson. She is not breaking the cycle. You are.

Good point Fab.

"Maybe I can do something to help her. She does have a good heart, just she is so stuck in this pattern of being like this. I asked her what she wnated and she says she wants a part time job and friends of her own.

Maybe I can help?"

She does not want that, she is just paying lip service to her problems (for which she never sought the necessary help) and telling you what you want to hear.

You have already tried helping and it does not work (as sunshineandshowers has already seen). She does not want your help or support at all!. Your role to her is that of scapegoat, you are her scapegoat for all her inherent ills. Such damaged people do not change and her behaviours go well beyond her just being unhappy.

Parentification is indeed another way for her to abuse you.

It will also do your son no good at all to keep seeing you as his mother so disrespected by his toxic nan. For his sake as well as yours you and he need to move out asap.

It is NOT possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. I am sorry to write that but that is fact. Surround yourself instead with people who are emotionally healthy, not emotional vampires who suck the very joy out of you.

Sunshine thank you again.

Parentification I just had to look up on Google to know what it was. Is that abusive? Both my parents do that and always have. When I was about 5 I was breaking up their arguments.

Thank you Attila, I think I need to distance myself from the situation because I did overcome my childhood and lived a good / success life without repeating any dreaded patterns and had long term therapy where she replaced the role of Mum to me and filled a huge part of that void in me.

Now I've calmed down from being so upset, I feel really guilty about posting these things. I do really love my parents.

I will refocus myself on moving out ASAP though. I find even if I have to struggle it's better to live on my own terms without treading on eggshells or feeling like I am a burden to someone.

BTW...parentification was something my Mum also experienced from her own Mum but for me it was emotional, for her it was more cleaning the house, tidying up, making sure dinner was cooked etc.

I actually feel sorry for your mum.

I doubt her mental health is of her choosing and clearly, although she offered, she cannot cope with you living with her.

Yes, in an ideal world your parents would be the nurturing sorts who would help you get back on your feet, but sadly they're not.

You need to investigate all the benefits you may be entitled to and get your own place, however small, for the two of you as soon as possible.

You need to move out. Your mother possibly loves you, but you are driving her crazy living in her house. Even if she invited you.

Yes, it would be great if your mother was warm and welcoming, but she isn't.

Move out, for everyone's sake.

My family lived nearby but were not helpful at all

she just doesn't want to help me get on my feet AT ALL

She was like this when I was a child, and I was such a nervous and sad child as a result. When she was my age, she was always out, always glamorous, had a rich husband paying for everything for her and she seems to completely not see how sad my little life has been for the past decade, how much pain and struggle I have been through and how much I just need....well...a place to get back on my feet

She is always on the phone to my sister saying mean stuff about me, how I am ruining her life and taking away her freedom by being here

she wants me to be gone and that's the truth

i want....i want....i want....

I'm late thirties and have an 11 year old child

I started another home based business that is doing okay and I work very hard at it, but it's not yet making enough to afford rent and to move out on my own

your mum has made it very clear that she does NOT want you living in her house - you CHOOSE not to respect that and then get all huffy and indignant when she verbalises how pissed off she is with you taking advantage of her and ignoring her request??? Is she meant to physically throw you out of her house for you to get the message?

it is perfectly possible for you to rent your own place even whilst your business is not making a profit....you are entitled to benefits as you are well aware, you HAVE been here before. You've got enough money to afford a night out but not enough to start saving for a deposit on your own rental home?

it's about time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and sorted out your own mess life. You are a grown woman and it is NOT your mother's responsibility to house you anymore. she's always made it clear to you that she will not help you - so why are you surprised? Yes it would be lovely to have an ideal family but, like many of us, you have not been blessed with one - accept it . How she funded her life is also none of your business - she does not owe you anything - your life is what YOU made it through your own choices - own it.

so stop this ' i want' attitude and take responsibility for sorting your own life out and stop expecting and trying to force your mum to do it when she has made it VERY clear she is not interested.

What a unpleasant post Sugar, OP has clearly had a hard time and needed a safe harbour for a short while, that's not an unreasonable expectation in the circumstances.

OP, take no notice of the harsher posts. Normal, loving families do care for each other when things get rough. Your mum sounds a nightmare to me and, for your own sake and the sake of your son I'd move out ASAP. Good luck and well done for all you've achieved so far.

no it may not be pleasant to some.....however it IS still the truth........

I think your mother has to write a letter stating that you will not be allowed to live with her from x date. Then you need to present yourself and the letter in person at your county council stating that you are homeless.

But her mum invited her to live there Sugar! She didn't just march in demanding a bed. And if she does want op to leave surely she should speak to her about it rather than making her life a misery? I think your post is unnecessarily harsh

Nice Sugar, very helpful if it was just as simple as 'your mother is not who you want her to be - get over it', lots of us on here could have saved ourselves years of heartbreak and therapist's bills. Do you really think she's being so unreasonable by expecting her OWN MOTHER to be supportive at a difficult time?

Please ignore the 'get over it' stuff OP. It is perfectly reasonable to crave support and kindness from your own mother and so terribly painful when you don't get it. My mother is similar - thinks she's incredibly caring and loving but its all just in theory. She can't actually 'do' the caring if you know what I mean. Everything has to be on her terms, she can't share, she can't wait, she can't consider anybody else's needs. She's a toddler emotionally. I love the display mobile phone analogy!

You know that moving out and moving on is the only way forward. Very best of luck with everything x

I think your mum's OCD is causing all these unhappiness. I don't think she is a happy person and needs treatment.
She invited you to live with her with good intentions I think but she cant cope and you are suffering because of that.
you are a very resilient person, I really congratulate you.

I actually agree with what Sugar says regarding the living arrangements....she does not want you living there. She is not going to change. Your hopes of a little help and harmonious living whilst you get your new business up and running are not going to be realised.

I'd move out sooner rather than later.

I'm the daughter of the worlds biggest Martyr and I know how all those horrible scenarios play out which you mention.

Good luck Op you will breathe a huge sigh of relief when you are out of there.

Don't feel guilty about posting. I know that you love your mum and dad.

Sugar have you ever considered a career as a therapist?! Do you have no compassion?

The whole point is your mum has not made it clear what she wants you to do. You have had very mixed messages. An adult might say, of course you can move in but only for 6 months. I will charge you no rent, or half the food bill. See, everything clear.

You have to reconcile that she will never be the mum that you want her to be or that society says she should be. I don't know how to do this. And you should try to move out. Xxx

Ps. It can be a very dangerous thing posting on message boards about something so painful, as you are maybe experiencing now. You don't have to take on board anything any of us say. Your experience is true to you and how anyone else interprets it is irrelevant at the end of the day.

Ditto- she will never be the mum you want her to be. Think you both idealise how each other should be and inevitably find wanting. She is doing the right thing by offering help but is incapable of living the reality of it. My dm is similar. It's hard. She means well and then she gets stressed/lets me down. I get hurt and retreat. Boundaries, keeping your distance and massively lowering expectations are key. She won't change. Move out. Good luck, OP.