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Original poster

Don't know whether to help/support and leave him be

67 replies

excitedbutscared · 19/02/2015 22:52

Calling all those with DP's with stressful jobs, and also in a new (ish) relationship

I say new relationship, but we've been together about a year. We don't live together and for the last 5-6 months, have seen each other every weekend without fail.

He's quite a closed person when it comes to his feelings and stresses outside of how he feels about me. When we're together, he showers me with love and attentive affection. He would rather be just cuddling watching a movie than down the pub. The rest of the week, he'd rather be in the pub!

The problem I have is that I don't know how to talk to him outside of that! Our relationship has been so absorbed with 'us' and making the most of the time we share together that when it comes to deep conversations about the rest of our lives, we either find it difficult or it just doesn't happen. It's like I'm his release from all of that rather than another person to talk to about it!

I don't know what to do, as during the week, I don't hear from him much. I get a text or two a day and a phone call, but quite a lot of the time, that phone call feels like him just doing it out of duty. He calls, half listens to what I have to say, mentions bits about his working day - which lately has been a massive strain on him, but then suddenly ends the conversation completely and says he has to go and do things and can't talk any more, as if I called him and didn't shut up! But HE called ME, got himself stressed by talking to me about work and then hangs up in a state. I really don't know how to handle it!

The selfish side of me thinks hang on, he just wants me there at the weekends for a 'nice time' but hasn't got the time or doesn't want to grow or feel any further connection with to be able to talk to me properly about his life - and also doesn't consider my needs to feel wanted/thought about during the week and not just weekends - and the caring side of me thinks, oh my god, this guy is under so much stress! I should just stop complaining and be there for him whenever and however he needs me because, right now, that's what he needs. Small example, he was too stressed tonight to talk about plans for the weekend together so I just said 'I don't care what time you get home from work tomorrow (he's away and thinks he'll be home late), I'm going to be there, cook you something nice to eat for dinner and give you cuddles and head rubs (which he loves). He hardly responded to this and just made a groaning sound, although earlier in the conversation he said 'all I want is to cuddle up with my girl and have a head rub'.

I have my own life, own business and grown up children still at home and give up my weekends to spend time with him which I usually love, but am starting to feel a bit unappreciated. Or is this what couples should do and expect from each other?! The fact I'm even here asking this is a bit concerning!

HELP

OP posts:
Original poster
excitedbutscared · 19/02/2015 22:53

In my subject/title, I meant to say Don't know whether to help/support OR leave him be

OP posts:
Boomf · 19/02/2015 22:57

You sound a little bit subservient to me. What is he, a cat?!

How about you think about what might suit you instead of tip toeing around Mr Work? Only you can sort this one out - we'd all be guessing. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. His reaction to the conversation will tell you all you need to know

In the meantime don't keep offering him nice meals and head rubs because the poor darling is all rudely stressed.

Handywoman · 19/02/2015 23:03

Most of us are busy and stressed, right? Some deal with it better than others. Some people are more emotional mature/self aware than others. Some are more closed than others.

The question is, OP, as you get to know him (italics there - because you are only just getting to know him): what do you want?

It sounds to me like you need someone who is prepared to emotionally invest in a relationship, rather than someone to cuddle up with at the weekend? Or maybe he's 'not that into you' but is keeping you hanging on???

badbaldingballerina123 · 19/02/2015 23:08

Too stressed to talk about weekend plans ?

He sounds like a work whinger. They don't get better. Everyone has a job or other stresses in their life but they don't go on about it all the time. I wouldn't reward this selfish whinging by serving him food and rubbing his head. You hardly hear from him in the week and when you do he's whinging about work.

I'd bin him off.

Boomf · 19/02/2015 23:16

My instinct with this one is he's not massively into you

And ' the one' won't make you feel this way. You'd be able to talk to ' the one '

Original poster
excitedbutscared · 19/02/2015 23:17

I wish I could easily just do that! I couldn't have considered it before because I was so into him, but beginning to think he can't have a combined life and can only have completely separate things

The thing is, when we are together, he completely dotes on me. We went to the Maldives together, he includes me in family commitments at weekends, buys me silly (and large) presents regularly (I know that has nothing to do with it) so I really thought it had potential and still do.

I think I'm at the stage where it either needs to move on, as in be 'together' as a proper couple and see each other during the week or move in together, sharing a full life, or not at all. If I suggest that and he declines, when will it ever move on and stop making me feel like his weekend bit of fun/release from work :-(

Sorry, I sound as if I'm just brain dumping on here but just need to vent!

OP posts:
Boomf · 19/02/2015 23:21

Do you have children? How old are you?

Look, all you can do is talk to him. ' this is how I feel. I'd like to know how you feel/ what you see for our future etc etc '

What else can you do? Just take the bull by the horns. You seem to be almost trying to placate him and soothe him etc. be yourself, tell him what works for you and what doesn't. You'll soon have an answer

Original poster
excitedbutscared · 19/02/2015 23:27

Yes, I have two DD's, 16 and 18 and I'm 37

The relationship has been slow all along, mainly because I've been gentle with pushing him further as he's very much a 'man's man' . He reassures me when I'm with him that he is my PARTNER and will love me forever, but when I'm not with him, it doesn't feel that way and I just don't know if I'm being selfish and overly-needy. I haven't displayed this feeling to him though but it's getting exhausting and I'm afraid of losing something that could be great, brilliant, if I'm just patient with him at take things at his pace rather than push things to suit myself or because I was uncaring or inconsiderate to his situation

OP posts:
Boomf · 19/02/2015 23:39

This PARTNER who will love you forever shouldn't be leaving you feeling exhausted and having to play the relationship a certain way. If you honestly feel that he'll bin you off if you vocalise how you're really feeling then it definitely makes sense to have the conversation sooner rather than later

It sounds like he nearly compartmentalises his life and is happy to slot you into the weekend when he's not working

Handywoman · 19/02/2015 23:40

You're not selfish or needy at all, not at all. If my man only half listened to me during phone calls in the week I'd have the distinct impression he wasn't emotionally committed or wasn't particularly into me. Perhaps he just compartmentalises you in his life. That may work for him, but it doesn't work for you. Time for an honest chat where you indicate what you want/need in a relationship.

Handywoman · 19/02/2015 23:41

X-post there Boomf

Lweji · 19/02/2015 23:53

I think you should trust your instincts on this.
It does sound like a weekend convenience.

What would he say if you suggested that you saw each other more during the week?
Or is it a long distance relationship?

Original poster
excitedbutscared · 19/02/2015 23:57

Yeah, I think I need to tell him how I feel and see what he does about it

I did suggest weeknight meets.. His response was that yes, that's a great idea, as long as neither of us have big work commitments the next day. That was about 3 months ago and we've seen each other about 3 times during the week since then, at my suggestion (although no resistance from him). It's like he needs me to make all the plans or they won't happen

He lives an hour away from me :-(

OP posts:
trackrBird · 20/02/2015 01:05

he just wants me there at the weekends for a 'nice time' but ...doesn't want to grow or feel any further connection with to be able to talk to me properly about his life - and also doesn't consider my needs to feel wanted/thought about during the week

I think you're spot on there. He seems to view you as a weekend diversion rather than a partner. That's OK provided it's what you both want: but you want a partner, and he only says he wants one - he doesn't act as if he does. He isn't thinking about your needs much, and just seems to make duty calls during the week when he only half listens to you.

Yet he buys you large presents and showers you with affection when he's with you.

That all comes across as very inconsistent. I can't help wondering why he puts on an apparently extravagant show when he's with you yet is so, well, indifferent when he's not ('yes, let's see each other midweek if we don't have work commitments (!) You make the arrangements will you...')

I wonder if he's holding something back from you. A proper talk is due.

Joysmum · 20/02/2015 06:51

You sound like his escapism to me and if he can't talk about his life to you, how much are you really getting to him/about him?

Joysmum · 20/02/2015 06:52

*to know him

DustBunnyFarmer · 20/02/2015 07:00

Reading the OP, i thought someone else would already have asked if he was married/in a committed relationship. Do you see each other every weekend? All the evasion and weekends only made me wonder if he is somewhere else with someone else the rest of the time.

FrankTurnersGuitar · 20/02/2015 07:12

Sounds like you are a compartment of his life, the distance between you is more than just the mileage.

Original poster
excitedbutscared · 20/02/2015 07:55

Wow, you guys are brilliant. Some great thoughts here

trackrBird, I think you're spot on, but hadn't thought he may be holding something back but now think you could be right! I wonder what's?

Yes a proper talk is due, I don't think this weekend is necessarily the right time as he really IS stressed out with work but definitely soon. The thing is though, when I do and if he doesn't give me the answer I want, I risk having to end the relationship because if I don't, I give it license to then let it carry on this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
excitedbutscared · 20/02/2015 08:02

dustBunny - it does sound like that might be a possibility.. But only with himself! I've been there all weekend pretty much every weekend and sometimes during the week too. I have a drawer in his cupboard and he has my love notes stuck up all over the place! Definitely no other woman, not physically anyway

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 20/02/2015 09:14

It sounds to me like he's happy to keep the relationship to "part time" status i.e. weekends only.

If you want more, I think you're going to have to get definite commitments from him (not just "yeah babe that sounds good but maybe in a few months when work's calmed down" - because it doesn't sound like work ever calms down for this dude.)

JoMunroTriesAgain · 20/02/2015 09:26

I've been there all weekend pretty much every weekend and sometimes during the week too

Hold on - do you go to his every weekend? Never him to you? So you are doing all the travel/upheaval for the weekends too? So he gets to live his life as normal during the week and then gets someone to move in over the weekend to be lover/girlfriend so he is not lonely and then they get kicked out (as it were) til the next weekend.

This is not sounding a very equal partnership to me.

When you are together at the weekend do you do what you want or just what he wants? He wants to chill, you chill. If you fancy a trip out do you do it? Or is it just on his terms?

WaxOnWaxOff · 20/02/2015 09:32

Is this the guy who works at his parents pub?

forumdonkey · 20/02/2015 10:15

If he wanted to see you he would make the time, nobodies life is that busy they can't spare a few hours in a whole 5 days to share a meal with somebody they love.

I also caution, don't be too sure he hasn't got a week day lady.

Lweji · 20/02/2015 11:57

I hope you don't clean his flat over the weekend too.

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