Don't know whether to help/support and leave him be

[excitedbutscared]

Calling all those with DP's with stressful jobs, and also in a new (ish) relationship

I say new relationship, but we've been together about a year. We don't live together and for the last 5-6 months, have seen each other every weekend without fail.

He's quite a closed person when it comes to his feelings and stresses outside of how he feels about me. When we're together, he showers me with love and attentive affection. He would rather be just cuddling watching a movie than down the pub. The rest of the week, he'd rather be in the pub!

The problem I have is that I don't know how to talk to him outside of that! Our relationship has been so absorbed with 'us' and making the most of the time we share together that when it comes to deep conversations about the rest of our lives, we either find it difficult or it just doesn't happen. It's like I'm his release from all of that rather than another person to talk to about it!

I don't know what to do, as during the week, I don't hear from him much. I get a text or two a day and a phone call, but quite a lot of the time, that phone call feels like him just doing it out of duty. He calls, half listens to what I have to say, mentions bits about his working day - which lately has been a massive strain on him, but then suddenly ends the conversation completely and says he has to go and do things and can't talk any more, as if I called him and didn't shut up! But HE called ME, got himself stressed by talking to me about work and then hangs up in a state. I really don't know how to handle it!

The selfish side of me thinks hang on, he just wants me there at the weekends for a 'nice time' but hasn't got the time or doesn't want to grow or feel any further connection with to be able to talk to me properly about his life - and also doesn't consider my needs to feel wanted/thought about during the week and not just weekends - and the caring side of me thinks, oh my god, this guy is under so much stress! I should just stop complaining and be there for him whenever and however he needs me because, right now, that's what he needs. Small example, he was too stressed tonight to talk about plans for the weekend together so I just said 'I don't care what time you get home from work tomorrow (he's away and thinks he'll be home late), I'm going to be there, cook you something nice to eat for dinner and give you cuddles and head rubs (which he loves). He hardly responded to this and just made a groaning sound, although earlier in the conversation he said 'all I want is to cuddle up with my girl and have a head rub'.

I have my own life, own business and grown up children still at home and give up my weekends to spend time with him which I usually love, but am starting to feel a bit unappreciated. Or is this what couples should do and expect from each other?! The fact I'm even here asking this is a bit concerning!

HELP

Yes, I think it was a warning, whether he meant it so or not. It takes a certain cold detachment to do that.

Another thing. It's like a drug when someone goes over the top with affection. It makes it harder to think clearly. You can become anxious if the person you're interested blows hot and cold, as he does somewhat. Even if you've never been that way before!

So I know you won't want to hear this, but try not to be too amazed by him, or his displays of affection when you're together. ;) He seems very much in control of the relationship, with you kept a little bit on edge by it, which seems unfair on you somehow. He's onto a good thing with you, and he needs to feel that.

I agree with Bird.

I just constantly feel that if I 'do this' things will be better or if I 'do that' it will fail.
This worries me. It sounds like what people do in abusive situations. Not that it's the case here, but it could well be the initial setting for one.

I was in a similar situation for a number of years and it completely wore me down. You have my sympathy. My DP was lovely in very other respect so I stuck in there. I think you need to build more of your own life to be honest.

To be blunt, this just sounds like way too much hard work and angst. Imagine living together...constantly trying to second guess shit. If you do not feel totally at ease with who you are when you are with him - you are not accepted, warts and all if you like - then really? How great is he if he is making you question stuff all the time.

Relationships should be about fun, support, love. Not control, playing games and angst. He has you wrapped around his finger.

You're absolutely right Bird. If he was more consistent, even not SO lovely when we're together but more communicative when we're not, I would be fine! It is like a drug! And it's hard contemplating giving up something you love. I just wish I knew whether it was going to be worth it in the long run so I knew whether to continue right now.

Lweji, that concerns me that it could be the setting for an abusive relationship. I've been through one of those before and although non of the characteristics are there at the moment, I'll be on the lookout. I do value myself more than to let myself be abused in any which way. At the moment I'm trying to figure out if this is just the way he is, unintentionally and if the good of the relationship is worth my weekday angst

saveme I'm interested in what you to say as it sounds as if you know what I'm going through. Are you still together with same DP? Is there anything in particular that made it easier for you?

chop this is the problem when we are together, I AM myself. There is a lot of love, fun and support in our relationship. It's just when we're not together he seems totally detached from me and don't know if it is just normal for a man of a) his personality, past etc and b) his extremely demanding job and that maybe I should just stop worrying and his coolness is not deliberate.

I take your points that I should just be able to talk to him about it but I guess when we DO see each other, we want to enjoy our euphonious time together, not get into deep conversations where we can easily clash. He's not a good 'talker' - he has already told me a lot of previous women have complained about this to him and he doesn't want that to be a factor in our relationship. But he doesn't know how to suddenly become one and I don't know how to suddenly make him!

OP Relax!
you are massively overthinking this.
Now you are on the lookout for him being an abuser with ZERO indications !
Do you see how crazy that is ?

I was reading your posts more carefully on the way to work (and lost a longish post) and I am getting the feeling that weekends are a show off for the most part, and then he needs to unwind. Meaning that that is not the real him. He is making a supreme effort to be that fantastic guy that you even think you are not worthy of being with and then has to unwind during the week. (that is a red flag, btw)
But he is not that fantastic. Previous girlfriends complained of him not talking and that is the real him. I suspect if you spent more time together that you'd see more cracks than wonderfulness and he knows it. Take it or leave it. Don't try to change him.

I also don't like it that he is playing the card of all the effort he is making, so you should be grateful, while at the same time blowing cold and saying things like he can't do it and he drops people without a second thought.

You said yourself that he doesn't suffer fools easily. Think about what that means.

So, ask yourself if he is worthy of being with you, not the other way around.
I'd say that after one year the relationship won't change much from what it is right not.
The kind of angst you are in now should be natural at the beginning of the relationship, not so much one year on.
I think your instincts are telling you something. To you who are in the middle of the relationship. Don't distrust them.

Can I just say that I think this sounds like hard work, with you always trying to be the best you can. Always avoiding rocking the boat. But real life and human nature means that sometimes the seas are rougher.

If you were ill for a long time and couldn't be/look your best for months at a time, how would you see this working out. I believe my partner would step up, I believe that I would too. Our first year together has been full of stuff that would make the average person run for the hills. We're not out the other side, and at times the situation is bollocks, but the "us" part is still solid.

If you had a disaster in your life, would he really be there for you for more than the weekend?

Have you done the freedom programme? I did it online at the start of our relationship. My poor DP ended up answering some fairly out there questions - but it really made me realise I wasn't as repaired as I thought I was, 6 years after a EA relationship. Sometimes your thought processes really need a kick up the arse, to see that you could easily make another mistake because your boundaries are still squiffy.

excited, he's telling you who he is, you need to listen to what he's saying. He's said he's not a good talker and what previous women in his life have said about that. He's also told you that he can cut people out of his life if he wants to, and he's still (?) communicating with you so he obvs wants you in his life.

Re him letting you know when his plans change when he goes out during the week if it were me I wouldn't be expecting him to let me know he did change what he had said he was going to do, am curious though as to how you are finding out ("from other means") that he is doing that?

Oh, just saw what jasper said, and agree.

What Kiwi said..... What are these 'other means' you have of knowing where he is???

Thanks all

jasper - Yeah, totally. In my rational head! I hadn't thought it until Lweji said what she did

I have to say - the more I talk about it the more it helps and I feel a lot calmer about things.

wallypops Actually yes, I really think he would - as far as he could.

This is the other thing, I don't think like all of the above all of the time. Yesterday and today for instance, I am totally fine! Reading back over my messages makes me feel sad that anyone would feel like that but now I'm totally calm and know I'm over thinking it all and should really just enjoy the relationship - because it IS great. He does should me an awful lot of care and love and things are good. Apart from our spat at the weekend and one before about 3 months into our relationship, we have never ever fallen out or had a bad time or feeling with each other. We laugh a lot! We have great intimacy. I wish I could think and feel like this all the time. Maybe it's because it's close to the weekend again and I'm seeing him soon.

What is the freedom programme?

Kiwi Yes, I should do more proper listening. Although he said he is not good at talking and it has been a problem before - he also said he wants to be able to and needs to be 'pushed'. I don't know what he meant by that or how I should do that. He immediately becomes closed and almost defensive as soon as he does. That said though, I haven't really tried properly unless drunk and it comes out the wrong way and turns into a row. Not good. The times I have started to try on normal occasions, he sort of gives a nervous laugh and changes the subject

Re other means, Ok, I know the reaction I'm going to get to this before I write it because it sounds crazy. We both have iPhones and there is a feature where you can share your location with the someone with an iPhone. It shows you a map and tracks the phone by GPS. It started when I started riding a motorbike and he would ask me to turn it on so he could track where I was so if anything happened, he could come and find me. Then he turned his on when he went abroad for work so I could see where he was (out of interest). Then we both just left them on! We both know, it's totally voluntary and we often joke about it. So if he is leaving his house to come to mine or vise versa, he'll say "I'm leaving in about 20 mins, but you can stalk me anyway".. or if I go to London I might pop to the pub or to a friends before I go home and he'll text me asking if I'm enjoying my drink with a smiley face.

I KNOW this sounds over the top and very weird and unhealthy to other people. It has just become a thing of ours. We're both also very techie and geekie and were intrigued how it worked.. for him, it was probably also a gadget thing that he could show off to his friends as he does like to be 'in the know'.

I'm bracing myself for the response I get to this.. and I really dont want to go off topic from my OP as it is really helping me talking about the issue and hearing other people's thoughts and opinions. It's a huge support being on here - thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me

Although he said he is not good at talking and it has been a problem before - he also said he wants to be able to and needs to be 'pushed'. I don't know what he meant by that or how I should do that. He immediately becomes closed and almost defensive as soon as he does.

And he nicely made it your responsibility. You are already going round in circles wondering how you can do it, and if you can do it, and kicking yourself for failing. If he won't be able to talk, it's because you haven't approached it the right way, but whatever you do it will fail, because he avoids it. What actual effort is he making?

I'll PM you as I don't want to out myself!

So, give it a go and place responsibility firmly with him if he really wants to make the effort.
If you want to talk about something, do tell him that he either faces it then, or give you a time and place to do it and not shy away from it.
Otherwise, he is setting you up to fail (red flag).

Out of curiosity, have you spent longer than a week together? On holiday?

You have a good point Lweji - he did ask!!

Yes, we went to The Maldives together for 10 days and France for 5 before that. Those times were great! The only thing I'd say is that I think his sex drive is a little lower than mine, but that's all and not too much lower

Thank you Save...

I think you are over worried precisely because it is so good and almost perfect !
I get that totally. When you have had crap relationships and you finally have a great one it seems too good to be true and you are terrified of doing something to spoil it. I think that is fairly common.

But don't be terrified ! Relax and enjoy it.

Re not meeting or chatting much midweek. My job is stressful. Thankfully now just part time. When I worked full time I had NO energy on a school night to do anything. I used to sometimes pull into a layby for a nap on the way home. Occasionally I would get a second wind later in the evening and maybe hook up with friends for a bit , go to pub , whatever , but always spontaneously. I learned never to prearrange stuff midweek.
I think your boyfriend sounds really lovely .