Don't know whether to help/support and leave him be

[excitedbutscared]

Calling all those with DP's with stressful jobs, and also in a new (ish) relationship

I say new relationship, but we've been together about a year. We don't live together and for the last 5-6 months, have seen each other every weekend without fail.

He's quite a closed person when it comes to his feelings and stresses outside of how he feels about me. When we're together, he showers me with love and attentive affection. He would rather be just cuddling watching a movie than down the pub. The rest of the week, he'd rather be in the pub!

The problem I have is that I don't know how to talk to him outside of that! Our relationship has been so absorbed with 'us' and making the most of the time we share together that when it comes to deep conversations about the rest of our lives, we either find it difficult or it just doesn't happen. It's like I'm his release from all of that rather than another person to talk to about it!

I don't know what to do, as during the week, I don't hear from him much. I get a text or two a day and a phone call, but quite a lot of the time, that phone call feels like him just doing it out of duty. He calls, half listens to what I have to say, mentions bits about his working day - which lately has been a massive strain on him, but then suddenly ends the conversation completely and says he has to go and do things and can't talk any more, as if I called him and didn't shut up! But HE called ME, got himself stressed by talking to me about work and then hangs up in a state. I really don't know how to handle it!

The selfish side of me thinks hang on, he just wants me there at the weekends for a 'nice time' but hasn't got the time or doesn't want to grow or feel any further connection with to be able to talk to me properly about his life - and also doesn't consider my needs to feel wanted/thought about during the week and not just weekends - and the caring side of me thinks, oh my god, this guy is under so much stress! I should just stop complaining and be there for him whenever and however he needs me because, right now, that's what he needs. Small example, he was too stressed tonight to talk about plans for the weekend together so I just said 'I don't care what time you get home from work tomorrow (he's away and thinks he'll be home late), I'm going to be there, cook you something nice to eat for dinner and give you cuddles and head rubs (which he loves). He hardly responded to this and just made a groaning sound, although earlier in the conversation he said 'all I want is to cuddle up with my girl and have a head rub'.

I have my own life, own business and grown up children still at home and give up my weekends to spend time with him which I usually love, but am starting to feel a bit unappreciated. Or is this what couples should do and expect from each other?! The fact I'm even here asking this is a bit concerning!

HELP

Is this the one you caught on tinder a few months back ?

Hi.. I tend to go to his by choice as my DD's are older teenagers, have boyfriends round and we get to do what we want

No, we decide together what we want to do. Sometimes he'll have plans with friends but always asks if I want to go, or not. Sometimes, yes, he'll say he just wants to chill and do I mind. If all he did was wanted to have sex at the weekends that would be seriously worrying but that's not the case either

Yes Boomf, but that was about 3 months after I met him - he came off immediately after I told him I expected exclusivity by this point

No I don't clean his house haha.. He actually gets annoyed if I try and do anything because he says "it's not my job"

I am going to talk to him about it. I'm exhausted, confused and unsure of his intentions. Just not this weekend. This are strenuous enough and also has his best friend's death anniversary soon so really not sure I'd get a balanced, honest response from him - but I will

Update

I did it.. not in the best circumstances but it's out there. We'd had quite a lot to drink on Saturday night and he mentioned something about not being good to me during the week before which he recognised. Then, I blurted it all out. I didn't hold back though unfortunately and it ended up with it feeling like it was a bit of an attack on him. I said he made me feel like a 'weekend thing' and disconnected from him during the week. I said quite a lot of other things as well but stupidly, I cant really remember the detail because of think alcohol. I'm so annoyed with myself!

The result though, is yet to be known I think. At first, he told me he loves me more than anything and it hurts and makes him sad that he makes me feel that way. In the morning, we didn't speak for an hour or so and he was very inverted. I asked him if he was ok and he said 'no, I don't think I can do this'. He said he is afraid he can't change, can't make me happy and just hasn't got the space for it in his head. I didn't say anything - what could I! I just planned to get my stuff together and leave it there, but half an hour later, he came up to me, put his arms around me and said he didn't want to lose me and wants so much to make the relationship work. He spent the rest of the day basically pampering me and reassuring his feelings for me. He did say he doesn't know how to fix things, but is going to try so I just said that the smallest little things he could do would make such a big difference to me and that it shouldn't be such a big deal. When I got home last night, he texted me to say he loves me with all of his heart and promises to be a better partner for me.

Now I feel bad! Apart from not being in constant contact with me during the week and letting me make the plans for us (which I brought up and he said that I had set the precedence for it and that's why) - he's an amazing partner! Very thoughtful, caring, attentive, affectionate... I feel like I'm expecting perfection and being demanding.

So, I don't know if I've blown it now and he'll feel like he can't keep it up (the effort I'm expecting him to make during the week). Like I said, he has SO much other stuff to deal with, I feel like I've been unfair on him and perhaps pushed him over the edge, despite his words of wanting to make it work, I'm not sure if that's what he really feels or can actually do. At one point, he said that if it gets to 10 o'clock and he hasn't texted me, he feels bad and then does get a message to me, but it feels like a habit he has to keep up and it's added pressure. This was earlier in the conversation (before he turned around and said he desperately wanted it to work)

Time will tell I guess. I'm not sure how to behave immediately now. Whether to try and take pressure off him by just texting him first or more myself - or just completely back off and see what he does.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this and whether you think I did the right thing, or handled it really badly!

Honestly? It sounds like really hard work!! What are his redeeming qualities that make you put up with this tooing and froing?
He sounds like a pita to me.

I'll not argue that's it's not hard work at times. I keep thinking it will be worth it in the end though - just want that time to hurry up and get here!

I've kept it going because he has all the qualities I would look for not just in a man, but in a friend too. He's intelligent, hard working, cares about his family, he's thoughtful, he's interesting - has many hobbies and interests of his own. He's his own man, doesn't suffer fools gladly. He has charisma and charm. He stands out in a room full of people. He understands me, as a person. He listens to my problems, goes out of his way to help me with things. He treats me so well when we're together and makes me feel so wanted and loved. He's very physically attractive and amazing in bed! I can't explain it as those things sound like the typical things someone would say about someone they are obsessed with haha.. There's just something about him that I have never come across in a man before, not one that I'd be able to get hold of and keep anyway! (I would never tell him that!)

The problem is I think is that noone can keep all of these things up all of the time and there's bound to be another side. He tries so hard at everything he does and needs to feel appreciated - I've just done the opposite and made him feel like his efforts are completely in vain.

From his point of view I understand the work vs weekend thing. If you have a stressful job it can be all-consuming. The only downtime is weekends.

I would love the kind of arrangement he has set up. That would suit me down to the ground. If you work long hours, all you want to do in the week is come home, eat, chill out, in my case do some extra work and then it's bed, repeat the next day. Trying to fit in a needy partner, it's difficult.

Brandnewattitude I do get that. There's times when I feel like that too.. that's why I feel guilty!

Malabrig0 Silly little things would make such a difference to me. Like, texting me in the morning before he goes to work just letting me know he's thinking about me would be so nice.. and a goodnight text would mean a lot too. The other one would be suggesting plans for the weekend instead of me being the one to do that. Making an effort to see me during the week would be really nice too. Not necessarily every week, just sometimes. We have met during the week quite a few times but admittedly has been because I have suggested it

The gifts aren't always expensive.. they can be silly little things off the back of something I have said or a new interest we share.

As others said, how he approaches the relationship is not necessarily wrong.
I might be happy with that, and others might too.
But you are not, and that is what matters for you. If it doesn't make you happy, why be in it?

Lweji Yeah I've come to realise that

Why be in it? Because it's totally amazing the rest of the time and I hope that I can either get over this myself, or that the future for us will be worth going through it. I guess it is inevitable that we would talk about living together at some stage when, I won't have this problem! I don't want to push that though and force it too soon

A year on is still fresh, if you want to take it slowly.
Speaking from experience, after about one year I was faced with how the relationship was going and decided to call it a day, because I couldn't see myself getting more involved. I didn't want to waste anyone's time.

You don't have to push it, but I would say that this is the time to talk about the future if you see or want one where the relationship changes. I'd see how it goes but always keeping in mind that both of you should be happy about it.

Well, I still really feel like I may have f**d it up now and rocked the boat. Earlier in the evening before I said anything, he was telling me how happy he was and how I have been completely faultless through the whole relationship - then I go and have a two hour rant at him listing things that he had no idea existed in my head! I feel like I have completely blown everything out of proportion and a bit of a psycho bunny boiler - putting pressure on something that was, for him, perfect - probably because I wasn't doing that!

I can't now back track though because my feelings did come from somewhere, I just didn't relay them in the best way at all. (Alcohol induced rant)

Should I just not mention it again now at all, or should I say something the next time i'm with him such as "although I don't regret letting you know how I felt, I did exaggerate everything to try and get my point across or because of the alcohol"

Sorry to ask such daft questions - I just feel a bit lost and losing site of what is 'normal' - need guidance!! (I know noone can TELL me the answer, but it is really useful to get different people's opinions)

Hi Excited...have PM'd you.

The whole problem here is that you have been bottling it all up. Not surprised it all came out when drunk.
It may be a good idea to acknowledge that it was part drink, but that it is something that you have been thinking about.
You should be able to communicate your wishes and wants to your loving partner.

Yes Lweji, I know - but it all came out as a massive attack on him also with me going on about EVERYTHING that he does that upsets me. He must feel a bit shit too. I should have been able to calmly talk through my concerns whilst also letting him know that he also makes me extremely happy

I still feel like I have done irreparable damage. He did start texting me again last night and was very chatty and I had a soppy sweet message first thing this morning before he went to work which he hasn't done for a long time! So that's great - but now I feel like he is doing it just because he knows I want to. I guess that's kind of the point but I don't want him to just do it out of duty - he'll probably just resent me for that. God the guy can't win can he!

The bottom line is, he's not the kind of guy that will do things that he doesn't want to. He's very much his own (amazing) person, strong, confident etc. If something is a drag on him, he'll dismiss it from his life. He's actually told me he's sadly very good at just putting people out of his life that he doesn't want in it without looking back.

I am now concerned that because of the forced communication during the week when he is stressed out enough, will be too much for him and he'll 'dismiss me' as I have also said some pretty insulting and hurtful things in my drunken stupor (more comes back to me as the week goes on :-()

Just another thing.. We were supposed to go to Wales for the weekend at the end of the month, but over the weekend (after our chat), he said "I can't go to Wales now at the end of the month because it's my sister's 40th birthday party on the Saturday". I said that he couldn't really miss that and he agreed.

He didn't mention me, didn't say 'we can't go to Wales now'.. Do I just assume that I'm going with him? We would normally go to things like this together so I don't see why not but he hasn't actually invited me, nor said he is going but on his own

Feeling like I'm walking on egg shells a bit at the moment

That's not good. Talk to the man and clarify what he means before you drink a bit much again. :)

He may be his own person and only do what he likes, but you shouldn't have to be pussy footing around him either. You should be your own person and do what you like.
I really don't think it's a good dynamic to start with.

Can't believe the responses here. He sounds absolutely lovely. You live an hour apart. After a hard day at work I don't feel inclined to go anywhere , far less somewhere an hour away.

When you said you were older with grown up children I thought you meant you were 50ish. I assumed you were panicking. Then you said you were 37 and I thought dear God she really does think this is the last chance saloon. It's not. You have years ahead of you yet, years in which to meet the right person and not have to settle like you seem to be doing now.

I think he sounds a bit lazy that's all. In the practical sense I think the relationship sounds good. He is dedicating his time to you etc. judt tell him to make an effort or you will be off. I had this issue with dp for ages and I worked myself up in to angst over it and in the end we had a row and it was awful but I think it scared him a bit when the dust settled and he's been noticeably more forthcoming with attention since then

Thank you jasper - it's good to hear a voice of reason here too from both sides! He is absolutely lovely.. he tries to give such a lot to so many different people he hardly has room for himself sometimes.. he just likes to have his 'him time'! Up to me whether I can accept the lack of communication and missing him during the week I guess.

I think I feel stuck between being a 'girlfriend' and a 'partner'. He refers to me as his partner, but tonight being an example - he left work and said he was going home and then to a friend's house for a bit. That was the last I have heard from him and I know from other means that he hasn't done either and has been to different pubs instead - this happens quite frequently. I might be sounding completely bunny boiler bonkers here, but when I was married, neither I or my then DH wouldn't have done that without getting in touch and just communicating it. On the other hand, my current lovely DP wouldn't be abusive to me like my ex-DH was though - plus we DON'T live together, so maybe I should just stop complaining!!

Sorry Weebirdie - I didn't mean I was old, just that my DC's were older rather than little

Wotsit - I've done the same thing - very angsty! That's why I blew up the way I did on Saturday night. I let it all out - and he said he didn't want to lose me and was afraid he couldn't change and that he might. Since then - he has been a LITTLE bit better, but tonight, has been non-communicative. I don't want to text him or keep mentioning it because I just sound so whingy and nagging. That's the last thing I want to do and I know it will probably just push him away even further (second guessing here)

Was there a time period between your row and things getting better? Maybe it's still sinking in

He's actually told me he's sadly very good at just putting people out of his life that he doesn't want in it without looking back.
I don't want to rain on your parade too much, but that's not always a good sign, excitedbut.

he left work and said he was going home and then to a friend's house for a bit. That was the last I have heard from him and I know from other means that he hasn't done either and has been to different pubs instead - this happens quite frequently.

do you mean he just changes plans a lot: or often says he's doing one thing, and then does another?

Don't walk on eggshells or worry about pushing him away, btw. He should be as keen on keeping you happy, as you are on keeping him happy.

trackrBird I didn't take that as a good thing! It was almost like a warning sign. He seemed quite pleased about it, as if it was a personality quality, but I did think is he almost trying to warn me...

He just changes his plans a lot. He's pretty happy-go-lucky but he'll call and tell me what he's doing, or I'll call him and he'll tell me what he's doing, and when that changes, he doesn't let me know. I know he shouldn't have to at all, but just out of light-hearted chat, I'd feel almost compelled to text and say 'Not going to X's any more, doing this instead'. Maybe that's just me

I know I shouldn't - I'm way too worried about how this relationship will turn out. It's really not like me. His qualities and the way he treats me the rest of the time is like nothing I've ever experienced before and I just don't want to do anything to jeopardise that. I understand it takes two to make a relationship work - or fail in a lot of times, I just constantly feel that if I 'do this' things will be better or if I 'do that' it will fail. He seems to be really happy with it the way it is. Not sure if I'm explaining that very well