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Original poster

DD1, 13yrs wants to go "clubbing" please help me talk to her

61 replies

CurlyWurlyCake · 19/02/2015 21:40

She has been asking for ages to go with friends to a night club that has under 17's nights during the week in the school holidays.

Apparently all her friends go Hmm but so far "no, you aren't going" has been enough but now she is ramping the request up.

Tonight she said in passing that she was going to arrange a sleepover at a friends and "just go with them"

I don't know her friends mums very well although we have her friends here over night and visa versa, I personally wouldn't take them for a night out without checking with their mum but I can't be sure they would check with me iykwim.

I want her to know I trust her, because I do, but... Clubbing with 17 year olds isn't something I want her doing for all sorts of reasons.

Do I tell her my worries or just stick with no, because I said so?

What if a fight breaks out, some one starts on her? What if an older boy tries it on and doesn't take no for a first answer?

I have lots of reasons why I think she shouldn't go but I don't know how to get it across to her without the major sulks and the whole "every one else is going"

OP posts:
MinceSpy · 19/02/2015 21:46

She's 13 and your the adult. If you don't want her to go clubbing just say no and mean it.

19lottie82 · 19/02/2015 21:47

I'd let her go. Most young teens go to "unders" nights, it's not a big deal. And not really "clubbing". They finish about ten PM and obviously don't sell alcohol.

I don't think it will be full of older teens, they're too cool for things like that!

If you're that worried why don't you drop them off and pick them up?

I think you're over reacting, sorry.

Shedding · 19/02/2015 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnaFiveTowns · 19/02/2015 21:50

I'm the wrong person to ask. I always went to these under non alcohol, under 18 club nights (usually on a Sunday). We used to drink coke and dance with our mates. They were pretty tame, to be honest - although I grew up in a smallish city so maybe if you're in London things might be different.

She's 13 and it's for non drinking teenagers so I can't see why you'd want to stop her from going. I know it's hard but you have to start to let go a little.

avocadotoast · 19/02/2015 21:51

From what I recall of under 18s nights, it'll be mostly 13-15 year olds. Anyone older than that wouldn't want to hang around with a bunch of 13 year olds, and would probably have found a place to get booze tbh!

Original poster
CurlyWurlyCake · 19/02/2015 21:52

I appreciate the replies.

Thinking about it then yes, i suppose 17yr olds don't want to go to an under event with 13yr olds, I hadn't thought about that.

I still don't want her to go.

If I did say yes I would take her and pick her/friends up.

Isn't 13 too young? If she starts this now then what does that leave her to start when she is 15?

OP posts:
NiceCardigan · 19/02/2015 21:53

Mine went to a few of these and no one over the age of 14 would be seen near them. I took them and collected and the whole thing was very tame.

Fairenuff · 19/02/2015 21:53

I think you need to talk to her. Explain that you will let her go if she can show that she is mature enough. Then talk through all the possible problems and how best for her to handle them - stay with friends, call home, walk away from aggressive people, etc.

There will be responsible adults there who she can go to if she has a problem. It's really just a youth club held in a different venue. There will be no alcohol. It will be fun for her.

Tell her that the most important thing is that she is honest with you so trying to sneak off with friends is a big no-no. You won't be able to trust her if she goes behind your back and trust is the key to freedom. Also tell her that you will drop her off and pick her up.

Thereinajiffy · 19/02/2015 21:54

I see your point and a lot of your thoughts are probably what would go through my mind too. However, I think you are making it seem worse than it is.

Firstly, I wouldn't have thought there would be many 17 year olds at an under 18s event. Most would have started trying to get in to over 18 places and wouldn't fancy being around younger children.

These places are strict on who gets in and aren't allowed to take any drinks in, so the risk of alcohol isn't there. They will also not open really late if it is for under 18s either.

If 'everyone' is going, then obviously she will be around lots of people she knows well from school, this would reassure me.

It seems to me like a large school disco, with less supervision. So it all comes down to how much you trust your DD and how mature you think she is to handle situations like boys.

shaska · 19/02/2015 21:56

Well, to give an alternate view, I used to go to one of these at 14-16 and it was an absolute mess. Lots of vodka secreted away outside, and lots and lots of snogging. Mum was NOT keen for me to go but I wheedled her into it. Unfortunately this means no 13 year old of mine will get to go!

Depends on the way the event is run though - I also used to go on nights that were run by youth groups/churches etc which were very safe.

Maybe do a little bit of research? Talk to the other mums? Who organises it?

Shedding · 19/02/2015 21:56

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Shedding · 19/02/2015 21:57

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
CurlyWurlyCake · 19/02/2015 21:59

She is lovely on all counts Grin I really do trust her.

I'm taking in every post and I really appreciate them but can I ask again, isn't 13 too young?

She has sleep overs and we do things together and she still loves a cuddle on the sofa

OP posts:
AnnaFiveTowns · 19/02/2015 22:00

Yes, they really are for "kids" - as others have said, anyone over 16 would find it too childish. I think I started going aged about 11! I never saw a fight or even any snogging TBH! Worse things went on during the course of a normal school day than at the club. This was 20 odd years ago now but I reckon they're still pretty tame.

lemisscared · 19/02/2015 22:00

Why don't you want her to go? there will be no alcohol, there really wont be any 17yo there I wouldnt have thought. I would let her go on the proviso that you pick her up.

MrsDeVere · 19/02/2015 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CurlyWurlyCake · 19/02/2015 22:02

Snogging 13yr olds

She really isn't into boys yet

OP posts:
AnnaFiveTowns · 19/02/2015 22:03

And if you pick her up she won't be able to sneak any alcohol! You'll know straight away if she's been drinking!

Fairenuff · 19/02/2015 22:03

Too young for what OP? Talking to her friends, dancing, drinking cola?

Waitingonasunnyday · 19/02/2015 22:06

Good idea to let her go and you collect her! Then take her for a drive through burger and she can tell you about it. It will be FINE (you can tell my DC are younger can't you?)

Shedding · 19/02/2015 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firesidetreat · 19/02/2015 22:07

AH nappy nights as they were called when my kids went to them.

I never had a problem with mine going to them at 13' They were usually very well supervised,no alcohol etc.

17 year olds will be using fake ID to go proper clubbing so I wouldn't worry about them.

Joysmum · 19/02/2015 22:08

Personally I'd not take the word of anyone on here. I'd hang about at the start and end time of it for a couple of weeks to see the tone of it all and make my decisions based on tghat.

Mind you, I have no issues with asking for the details of other parents to get their take on things too and trying to present a united front.

Cabrinha · 19/02/2015 22:09

I think you should trust her.
You have a good relationship, talk to her. Tell her what you're worried about, ask her what she thinks.
You might be relieved when she pulls a face and says "snogging? Yuck! I just want to dance with my friends".
Talk to her about alcohol, about what it does to your judgement, about how it's OK to say no. About not going outside.
I snogged boys at 13 - no harm done :)

NoArmaniNoPunani · 19/02/2015 22:09

I had quite a sheltered life and even I was allowed to go to the under 18 clubnights when I was 13.

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