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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DD1, 13yrs wants to go "clubbing" please help me talk to her

61 replies

CurlyWurlyCake · 19/02/2015 21:40

She has been asking for ages to go with friends to a night club that has under 17's nights during the week in the school holidays.

Apparently all her friends go but so far "no, you aren't going" has been enough but now she is ramping the request up.

Tonight she said in passing that she was going to arrange a sleepover at a friends and "just go with them"

I don't know her friends mums very well although we have her friends here over night and visa versa, I personally wouldn't take them for a night out without checking with their mum but I can't be sure they would check with me iykwim.

I want her to know I trust her, because I do, but... Clubbing with 17 year olds isn't something I want her doing for all sorts of reasons.

Do I tell her my worries or just stick with no, because I said so?

What if a fight breaks out, some one starts on her? What if an older boy tries it on and doesn't take no for a first answer?

I have lots of reasons why I think she shouldn't go but I don't know how to get it across to her without the major sulks and the whole "every one else is going"

OP posts:

StayGoldPonyBoy · 19/02/2015 22:10

I used to go to these, so did my sister and all her friends. They search bags for booze and any trouble makers get kicked out asap. They're fun! If she proves she can't be trusted she never gets to go again, does she? YY to collecting her so you can see how she is straight after.

I would let her go, but she isn't my DD and if you really are against it, she can't go. Just be wary of her sleeping at her friend with the 'cool mum's' house just so happening to co-incide with the nights these things are happening

SunshineAndShadows · 19/02/2015 22:10

I went to lots of these as a teen. We used to get the bus there and a lift home. Seriously it's a safe fun environment for a bit of dancing and a teenage snog. No dramas.
Don't make things off-limits, you'll encourage rebellion and secrecy and that is much more dangerous.

Original poster

CurlyWurlyCake · 19/02/2015 22:15

Thank you so much

DD will get to go to the ball club

She really is great and I very much trust her so yes, if I'd posted in AIBU I would now be saying i was.

Can I sit outside and MN whilst checking she doesn't come out of the venue

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 19/02/2015 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie · 19/02/2015 22:21

I think at her age, she'll find a way to go to something eventually if she's so minded - and it doesn't appear to be an idle whim because she's keeping on mentioning it. You're in quite a good position at the moment in that you can still say 'OK - but only if .........' (and then pick her up etc.) She's still asking for your permission.

I'd let her go to one and see how it goes.

cozietoesie · 19/02/2015 22:22

X post.

Original poster

CurlyWurlyCake · 19/02/2015 22:22

And I could tell you what I was up to

That is why I'm worried!! I've worked so hard and feel like it's all going to un ravel!

OP posts:

nnnamechangeddd · 19/02/2015 22:23

At 17 they would be more likely be trying to get into the normal clubs ...

Will most likely be 13-15 year olds

Firesidetreat · 19/02/2015 22:26

You have to let her unravel, She's growing up.

TokenGinger · 19/02/2015 22:28

To be honest, when I was younger (which wasn't that long ago), my mum preferred me to be in these under clubs.

As somebody said earlier, you'll likely not get anybody older than 15. The 16 and 17 year olds are already in college and getting in to real night clubs with fake IDs.

My mum knew I was safe - she'd drop me off, I'd have my phone with me and she'd pick me back up at closure time. If anything, it was more like a youth club with music.

I don't think I'd have a problem with them going.

Let's face it, the yobs you'd want to keep her away from are on the streets causing trouble.

UniS · 19/02/2015 22:31

What does dd think a night out clubbing will involve? It may not be as exciting as she expects.

Original poster

CurlyWurlyCake · 19/02/2015 22:36

Unis she wants to dress up and look years older than she is to match her friends, belly tops and skirts out of my wardrobe.

And she wants to do what her friends do.

OP posts:

Balders74 · 19/02/2015 23:09

At 13 my DD wanted to go to these under 18 club nights but now at nearly 15 she wouldn't be seen dead anywhere near one .

I really think it is a phase & when she goes she'll realise that it is not that different to a school disco. But if you don't let her go her friends will big it up to her, she will feel she missed out & it will become even more important.

I was very similar at that age. My DD is a lovely trust worthy girl & proved we were right to trust her.

I hope your DD has a fab time.

Justatoe · 19/02/2015 23:19

My DD went to a couple of these..the novelty wore off very quickly as she found better things to do with her £15 & the excitement was in the planning (what to wear, do we take our phones etc) rather than the event.
She just hung out with her friends, drank water and they took the piss out of her friend who was snogging loads of boys!

cozietoesie · 19/02/2015 23:20

......And she wants to do what her friends do......

She's probably getting lots of 'Oh Curly'sDD'sMum won't let her go ....' from her schoolfriends. Once she's gone, the allure will possibly die away.

MaudeLebowski · 19/02/2015 23:24

13 year olds definitely do snog. It is fun.

I had my first snog back in 1975, aged 12. [wistful face]

OvertiredandConfused · 19/02/2015 23:26

My DD13 has been to a couple of unders nights. I was apprehensive but agreed. It's no big deal. Heavily policed (in every sense) and her interest waned as quickly as my opposition. Hardly anyone there over 15.

Cabrinha · 19/02/2015 23:30

That's a great point from previous poster about finding better things to do with her money.
Is she using her pocket money for it? That may curb her enthusiasm :)

Cabrinha · 19/02/2015 23:34

Just thinking about the clothes out if your wardrobe thing.
You know what? There's not a single thing in my wardrobe that I wouldn't let my 6yo wear, let alone a 13yo.
Yes some styles might make her look older - but that's all.
So talk to her about why you worry about her looking older. About people thinking she's ready for more than she is, emotionally and physically.
Let her look 16, if you can trust her to understand what that can mean - and trust her to say "no" if she wants to.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 19/02/2015 23:35

I used to go. Always enjoyed myself. Never any drinking or drugs either. We did used to be allowed to smoke back then though.

LucyBabs · 19/02/2015 23:38

I think a pp advice on checking out the "club" before hand and at the end of the night to see what really goes on is a great idea.

At 13 the under 17s we went to was crazy! Drink, drugs and lots of girls and boys having sex in plain view of everyone.
Therefore my dd can plead and beg all she wants she will NOT be going to anything before she's 16!

I am dreading the teenage years, I am going to get serious payback for what I put my poor parents through eek!

Notrevealingmyidentity · 19/02/2015 23:40

I wore some utterly hideous revealing outfits, including a sort of mesh crop too. Ughhhhhhh.

MrsDeVere · 20/02/2015 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 20/02/2015 10:48

Do you normally wear each other's clothes then? If not, you can tell her that don't want her to wear yours and she can find something of her own to wear.

Original poster

CurlyWurlyCake · 20/02/2015 10:48

Thank you all for the replies, I am so glad I posted.

She doesn't have pocket money, I just give her money when she needs it so I'm going to introduce her own money (£20 a month?) for helping with the laundry and let her choose how to spend it, ie go to the club next month or go shopping.

Wearing my clothes is a new issue, she only borrows my clothes to go to birthday parties, she is taller than me and we are both slender so wear the same size. I will talk to her cab I do worry about her.

And we have had a couple of honest conversations about respect when one girl in her year became pregnant and another incident of a friends boyfriend fingering some one else - toddler tantrums are so much easier than talking to your daughter about the above!!

I'm also going to check the venue out and see if there are any online reviews

OP posts:

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