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Original poster

Dtd with kids asleep in room

91 replies

Bitconfused123 · 19/02/2015 14:40

I've name hanged for this because I'm a bit embarrassed!
Currently having an argument with my dh. He is very cross because I refused to have sex with him while we were away and staying in the same room as our dcs (5yrs and 2yrs). I just felt that it wasn't appropriate and that my five year old is much too aware of things and shouldn't be exposed to this. He feels it was fine because it was pitch black and she was across the room.

He thinks there is no difference to doing it in the same room and in a tent (he's threatening to cancel our hols because we are camping for ten days in the summer). We have a big tent which is compartmented off. His argument is that its about the same space as the room as we were in and so the same kind of privacy. I am saying that the compartments (zipped up) give a lot more privacy.
The problem is we do end up sleeping in the same room on quite a few nights away and so he feels I'm being unreasonable with this rule. I have said that it's more about my feelings than anything else and if I don't feel comfortable he should respect that.
What do people think? Maybe I should have posted in aibu?!

OP posts:

chocolatedrops31 · 21/02/2015 19:44

Saltnpepa-there is a clear distinction, a small child doesn't know what you're doing and wouldn't feel uncomfortable as they have no awareness-whereas an older child or adult would feel uncomfortable -even a child aged 3 maybe aware to strange noises etc which wouldn't register with an infant. It's important for a couple and their relationship that they have time to enjoy being a couple (or to conceive again), it's a loving act and there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing it in the same room as a sleeping infant-and I don't think the nspcc would differ in their views. People in much of the world aren't privileged enough to have separate rooms and I think they'd be appalled by your views.

saltnpepa · 21/02/2015 19:50

In some parts of the world it is perfectly ok to hit your child with a stick but I don't think you'd get away with that here. A relativist argument isn't very useful, in this country and in this culture, by the organisations that protect children it is considered abusive. There is no special dispensation for a couple wanting to conceive, needing sex or any other justification. Has anyone called NSPCC yet to find out the official line or are we still too busy telling ourselves that our situation is unique? Nobody has put their hand up yet to sleeping in an adjoining bed to their own parents having sex.

saltnpepa · 21/02/2015 19:52

Oh and again....drip drip drip, it is not my view but is the official view.

LetticeKnollys · 21/02/2015 19:58

When I saw the thread title I thought you would say your kids were babies, not 5. YADNBU.

Oh and trying to bully you into having sex with him when you don't want to... There's a name for that...

LuluJakey1 · 21/02/2015 20:02

Well I shared a room on holiday with my parents from being a baby up to 14 when they got me my own room. I have no recollection of ever hearing them having sex but would have no issue with them having done so if I was under 4ish and asleep.

MrsJuice · 21/02/2015 20:04

My DH has hideous memories of his parents DTD in the same room when he was 5. He pretended to be asleep, but said it was hideous.
He recalls everything they said, despite having his eyes tightly closed.
You did the right thing.

Onecurrantbun · 21/02/2015 20:10

Jesus how much sex are you people having?! Going 10 days without really wouldn't be an issue here, although we sometimes have sex every night for a week if the mood takes us... My eldest is only 3 but I would find it off putting to have her in the room and I don't like it if I even hear her cough or turn over (her room is next door) mid dtd. I have precious little time to be just Onecurrantbun (as opposed to 'mummy') which is why I enjoy sex - it's something just for us. I don't want to be feeling all mumsy and responsible which I would do if DCs are in the room. Even when the babies shared our room we used the lounge or spare room...... Maybe I am just super uptight!

RufusTheReindeer · 21/02/2015 20:16

Nope I'm with you onecurrant

Not literally obviously, that would be wrong on so many levels

christinarossetti · 21/02/2015 20:32

I'm with saltnpepa on this one, with a few caveats.

We did dtd with very small babies in our bedroom, but could never really relax.

Definitely not since they've not been very small babies.

"Abuse" is a very strong word and difficult to relate to situations in which no abuse was intended, which is why people have reacted so strongly to it being used.

Although I agree that the outcome of actions can be experienced as abusive by another party, even if that wasn't intended.

But I'm not sure that a child waking up whilst parents are having consentual sex and them then stopping is any more abusive than a child walking into their bedroom in the same context.

I don't think anyone has said that they're aware that their children have woken up/walked in and they've carried on having sex, have they?

I'm not sure that my children could wake up in the same room without me knowing, however engrossed I was in what I was doing, but this may not be the same for all children.

Missqwerty · 21/02/2015 21:41

He sounds very selfish!! He would cancel family holidays for the sake of a sex?? I would never have sex with mu boys in the room and they are the same ages as your children. A small baby thar is in a deep sleep and unable to peer out of a cot is one thing, but children would be traumatised seeing or hearing it!!

Vivacia · 22/02/2015 08:28

I wish the OP would return and let us know that she's ok.

KERALA1 · 22/02/2015 19:27

Fairenuff we house swap with other families from Spain/Italy/austria so have a whole family house at our disposal.

LuluJakey1 · 22/02/2015 20:37

When would you think a baby was 'too old'? DS (PFB) is almost 8 weeks. Dh and I have been DTD - when DS is asleep in his moses basket. He sleeps through anything - the hoover, hairdryer. Anyway, he is asleep.

Initially when I read this thread I thought about holidays and thought 4ish would be too old to be in a room and wake up. Now I am thinking 2 or even earlier. It was the pp who said about an 8 month old DD who could stand in the cot and look at her parents.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 28/02/2015 19:13

I wouldn't have done it when DS was so young. This is why it's so great when they get older. DS was 11 last year when we went away with my ex-DP. Literally every opportunity we went to our room for a shag, we had sex nearly every day for 2 weeks

FinallyHere · 02/03/2015 14:05

I have not time for a sulky attitude.

But then again, I wouldn't be keen on a holiday in those circumstances. I think Id much rather stay at home.

Wonder whether this is why my parents always seemed to prefer to do day trips in the holidays. Sigh.

Jan45 · 02/03/2015 14:18

Another child who had to witness the hearing of parents having sex, and if you do wake up you are hardly going to say, excuse me but I can hear you two doing the deed...........most kids pretend to be asleep, doesn't mean they are! Best to just refrain tbh or go to another room at least, there's something just not right about having sex in front of your kids, asleep or not, and the kids feel extremely uncomfortable for a reason, it's not right.

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