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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dtd with kids asleep in room

91 replies

Bitconfused123 · 19/02/2015 14:40

I've name hanged for this because I'm a bit embarrassed!
Currently having an argument with my dh. He is very cross because I refused to have sex with him while we were away and staying in the same room as our dcs (5yrs and 2yrs). I just felt that it wasn't appropriate and that my five year old is much too aware of things and shouldn't be exposed to this. He feels it was fine because it was pitch black and she was across the room.

He thinks there is no difference to doing it in the same room and in a tent (he's threatening to cancel our hols because we are camping for ten days in the summer). We have a big tent which is compartmented off. His argument is that its about the same space as the room as we were in and so the same kind of privacy. I am saying that the compartments (zipped up) give a lot more privacy.
The problem is we do end up sleeping in the same room on quite a few nights away and so he feels I'm being unreasonable with this rule. I have said that it's more about my feelings than anything else and if I don't feel comfortable he should respect that.
What do people think? Maybe I should have posted in aibu?!

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 20/02/2015 21:21

saltnpepa ?

DevaWalls · 20/02/2015 21:25

Oh and do go to the marriage counselor - there will be a swift referral to SS

No, there really won't be! Not for having a run of the mill, non-kinky, non-fetish holiday quickie in the same room as their own, fast asleep children. Don't be ridiculous and alarmist.

saltnpepa · 20/02/2015 21:25

Bowlersarm?

Bowlersarm · 20/02/2015 21:26

Who has said theyve had sex in front of a child?

saltnpepa · 20/02/2015 21:27

Oh because some sort of sex are not ok for children to witness while other sorts of sex are perfectly ok for children to witness. Very sensible arguement Confused

saltnpepa · 20/02/2015 21:29

They said they had sex in front of a child, do go back and read. Oh sorry silly me, a sleeping child, oh that's ok then, nevermind. Will they know whether child woke up and heard, whether child was never asleep in the first place, but yes it doesn't matter really because "needs must"

Bowlersarm · 20/02/2015 21:30

Dont be so ridiculous snp. Alarmist and ridiculous.

DevaWalls · 20/02/2015 21:33

Oh because some sort of sex are not ok for children to witness while other sorts of sex are perfectly ok for children to witness. Very sensible arguement

Yes it does make a difference, the context makes a big difference in terms of how child protection professionals view a situation.
You are making yourself look ridiculous with your alarmist comments.

BMO · 20/02/2015 21:34

The sex with kids in the room thing is almost irrelevant.

What if you just didn't want to have sex with him? What if you don't feel like it while you're on holiday? Would that be allowed?

saltnpepa · 20/02/2015 21:36

Call NSPCC and ask their advice on it please.

Bowlersarm · 20/02/2015 21:38

So saltnpepa - I shouldn't have sex with Dh in my bedroom because the children might wander in and see something....? Hear us.......? Bloody hell, I am abusing my children....

AnyFucker · 20/02/2015 21:40

You don't need marriage counselling

you need to say no and he needs to back off

if that doesn't work, it's a divorce lawyer you need

Allstoppedup · 20/02/2015 21:53

saltnpepa

I think you keep over quoting my post as I mentioned 'needs must' in a glib way.

I did say that my DP and I had sex with our 14 month old in the room as he sleeps in a bed up against ours, every night and has done since he was born. If we simply 'did it when we were alone' we, er, wouldn't ever do it. We were TTC DC2 (successfully as it happens) and so as I see it it WAS for a reason- hence saying needs must.

You can feel "positively sick" all you like but you really can shove your abuse accusations. Even if he were to wake he would have zero context or memory at his age and I went on to say that if he WERE older and more aware/ likely to remember anything we wouldn't even consider it.

I highly doubt the NSPCC will be popping round any time soon. In many countries around the world people live in much smaller quarters and have many young children- I'm sure they all must find a way somehow and I don't think it can always involve a completely child free environment.

I'm not saying that sex in a room where there are sleeping children is right but there are circumstances where it is in no way abuse.

RufusTheReindeer · 20/02/2015 21:57

Wouldn't have sex with children in the room and ds1 shared my bed for his first year

DH finds it hard to have sex when my dad is visiting Grin and believe me my dad's not in the room!!

Fairenuff · 20/02/2015 22:34

He is very cross because I refused to have sex with him...

He has no right to be cross, whatever your reason. He is acting as if he has a right to sex. He doesn't.

LuluJakey1 · 21/02/2015 01:54

We have an almost 8 week old DS- first child- who sleeps in his moses basket in our room and we DTD when he is asleep. What else would we do- put him by himself in another room? Never DTD? He is asleep and he just sleeps through it.

LuluJakey1 · 21/02/2015 01:57

I would feel differently if he was older - but he will be in his cot then. I suppose on holiday if he was 5, I might not be comfortable. DH would never make a fuss about me saying no to sex, nor I he.

glidingpig · 21/02/2015 09:24

We had sex with DD sleeping in the room when she was a baby - believe me, the first sign of her waking up and my horn evaporated anyway... Now she's 4 and much more aware I'd be very uncomfortable with it. But we still do it in the room next to hers, with both doors open. We're not so stealthy that she couldn't catch us if she woke up and crept in.

The major problem here is a man who thinks that it's OK to respond to his wife's "no" in any other way than calmly accepting it and backing the hell off.

VixxFace · 21/02/2015 09:31

Just go into the bathroom if you want to.

Hakluyt · 21/02/2015 09:33

I wouldn't have sex with children over,say, 12 months old in the room.

I also wouldn't have sex if the only available partner got cross with me for saying no- whatever the reason.

But if he wasn't an entitled dick, I would suggest having sex somewhere else then going to bed. I found that once we had children I just didn't find the bed a very sexy place....

KERALA1 · 21/02/2015 09:42

One of the many reasons we don't camp for our summer holidays.

Fairenuff · 21/02/2015 09:47

Kerala what do you do for summer holidays? Don't you have your children in the same room with you, or are they old enough to have a separate one?

saltnpepa · 21/02/2015 12:33

I don't think we're talking about children wandering in we are talking about children witnessing their parents having sex. So how would any of you feel now if your parents had sex while you were asleep (or not) in the next bed? Really picture that. That would be ok would it? If not then why is it ok for a child? Allstoppedup do you live in one room? Can't you manage to have sex in another room? Kitchen, bathroom, sofa? No of course not shagging in front of your kid is fine if needs must. Please do call NSPCC and get the official line on this before you carry on, surely you would want to know.

Allstoppedup · 21/02/2015 16:05

Saltnpepa

It's really just not an issue, I should imagine the NSPCC have a 'line' on it the way that most professional bodies have to stick to certain advice but it simply isn't black and white. I can 100% that my baby has never woken, seen anything, would have no idea what we were doing and would have zero recollection of it.

Due to both a disability and other people in the house, sex in other rooms would be neither comfortable or practical. DS was a terrible sleeper from early on and now only goes to sleep if we are in the room with him. - As I've mentioned it's not ideal.

Trying to dramatize us quietly having sex under the covers, in the dark, whilst a (very young) baby sleeps as 'shagging in front of my kid', makes me worry more for your mindset than my DS.- Again as I said in my original post, if he were older and more capable of noticing anything I wouldn't have felt ok with it at all.

We were in a position where we wanted another child, something we feel would greatly enhance our lives and the lives of our DS. Unfortunately in order to do this we needed to have certain times in the month, now the job is done it's not necessary anymore and so we don't. That is what was meant by 'needs must' and I feel that you have twisted this very unkindly. I wasn't suggesting that we simply couldn't resist each other and just didn't care. I DO appreciate what you are clumsily trying to say but I just feel that trying to essentially imply that my DP and I were carelessly embroiled in abusive behaviour, that would have a negative impact on our son, is really quite insulting as I don't believe it applies in what I have described at all.

saltnpepa · 21/02/2015 19:33

I think most people have no idea that it is classed as abuse and everyone seems to think their situation is somehow unique. Nobody has said they'd be more than happy to have their own parents shag while they were asleep in the same room. i'd like to see that as an AIBU - "Parents had sex while I was in the next bed sharing a room with them on holiday" Oh yes everyone would say that was reasonable. Like I said this is not my official line,I am simply letting you know that it is THE official line vis a vis exposing children to sex.

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